Till it's gone

I'm not sure when it happened but when it did, it hit me like a train. I felt like my whole body was broken, not just my heart.
I was sitting bolt up straight, half in and half out of bed. My hair was stuck to my face and the tears just wouldn't stop.
This was something I had never felt before and never thought I would. He was hurting me, and he was doing it on purpose.

It was like my ears had popped because I could hardly make out what he was actually saying, I just knew that it was hurting me.
I wanted to dismiss the words leaking from his mouth, putting it down to drinking lots of Stella - he always was a bit crazy after a Stella binge. But he sounded like it had taken a lot for him to open up and tell me the truth.

All of a sudden my world was ripped apart and discarded on the floor of our shared bedroom. I hated him. Hated how he could believe calling me up in the middle of the night to end our 2 year relationship... I couldn't believe he thought THAT was acceptable.

My heart wept as openly as my face did. I was torn to pieces and yet he was telling me he still loved me. I had to get of the phone, it was all too much. The dialling tone rang in my ear for a second before I let the phone drop beside me.

For what seemed like an age I just stared at it through blurred and tired eyes. My chest was struggling to expand for breath. I sat taking in small, short, sharp air intakes. The tears falling freely into my lap.

The phone sprang to life in the stillness of my room. I snatched it up. I knew it was him. No one else would be calling at three in the morning.

"Why did you hang up? I was still talking."
"I didn't want to hear anymore. You've made your point."
"I didn't mean to hurt you."

Ha! You tell me that you no longer what to be my boyfriend, you say that you still love me BUT you didn't mean to hurt me?! What did you think would happen? I wasn't actually saying this. It was all dancing in my head. Physically I couldn't shop shaking. I was sniffing, coughing, still crying down the phone.

"I'm coming home."
"No! I don't want you here. I don't want you near me. I hate you!"
"I'm coming home."

I couldn't sleep, so I just lay there looking into the darkness. The sound of the traffic kept my mind from wandering, keeping me forever in the here and now. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe what was happening to me.

What I did know was that he'd made his decision. He wouldn't have told me otherwise. I'm aware that I'm crying out loud but I can't help it. I need to cry because my heart is breaking and my life, as I know it, has just been given an almighty shove into a brick wall.

I'm still awake when I hear him fumbling at the front door. I'm just blinking in the darkness when he stumbles in and hugs my stiff body. I feel his tears through the quilt and I feel bitterness. Disgust took over me.

"Why are you crying?"

He lifted his head. Eyes searching for my face.

"Why are you crying?"

The bitterness of my words hung in the air. He got up and stormed over to the door, slamming his fist into the wall. I heard him collapse onto the sofa in the next room, then all I heard was him sobbing.

I shouted, he shouted. I wanted to thrash out but I knew that wouldn't go down well. So I tried to hug him. I wanted to close my eyes and hold onto him. Wish that this was all a bad dream. But he stopped me. Pushed me away and then stuck the final knife in.

"Tonight, I kissed someone else."

I caught my breath. I was glad we were standing in the dark. I felt all the blood drain from my face but I kept staring at him. He'd said that to purposely hurt me. He wanted me to stop, he wanted me to hate him. I could see the anger in his eyes as he looked at me.

We seemed to go round and round in circles. Me, trying to understand him. Him, trying to explain through his drunken ramblings and clouded thoughts. The more he tried, the more confused I got.

When finally the silence between us became deafening, I suggested we went to bed. Lying next to him made the sadness swell up inside of me. The heat coming off from him, the softness of his skin against mine. The tears fell.

They didn't wash away the pain but they soothed the ache of my eyes. I lay there still, crying silently, listening to him sleeping until I too, fell into a heartache induced slumber.