Twitch

My leg is bouncing uncontrollably as I will myself to stop thinking about you
It’s ridiculous that I feel this way
Twitchy and nervous
I haven’t heard from you in a week
And I know I won’t hear from you

Your smile is burnt into my memory
Every touch;
Every kiss
Butterflies in my stomach, fluttering wildly
Damn it

How’d did I get here again
Almost blindly
I love the feeling of falling
But it’s not much fun on your own

I'm not crying

I'm not crying but I do feel empty.
I feel lost and confused,
Angry with myself for being in this place.

I'm not crying but I want to scream, loudly.
I feel tense in my body,
Longing to lash out.

I'm not crying but I'm bloody exhausted.
Scared to tell the truth,
Denying myself a chance.

I'm not crying but I feel so lonely.
Vulnerable and naked,
Beaten and raw.

I'm not crying, I'm not.
But I feel like I want to.

Falling

How crazy is it that it's been 32 hours since I last kissed you but I can still feel the touch of your lips.

I can still smell you on my pillow and can still imagine the warmth of you lying beside me.

I love and hate feeling like this, because now I'm just waiting to hear from you again so that I can get all of this back for real.

I'm playing the game to keep me allusive, keep you comfortable and at a distance.
When all I want to do is see you or hear from you, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not thinking about it; not thinking about you.

You have something I can't have but I'm indulging myself.
God what a dangerous game, because if I get swept up in it, I lose and if I lose...

I've been here before so many times.
Why don't I know better?

Urge to spend

All around us the economy is crumbling.

I don't take the time to read about it and I never watch the news. The closest I've come to a newspaper in the last 3 years is the free rags I pick up on the tube to pass the time of my journey. Even then I tend to read my horoscope and flick over the 'celeb' pages.

I moan about money all the time. I'm earning a 'comfortable' wage. It pays my rent and bills, and I could save some of it if I wasn't constantly buying clothes and shoes; handing over my hard earned cash to pay for the increasing flow of Rose I seem to be consuming and occasionally I satisfy the hunger pains.

I just don't care. It's true. I'm a grown, goddamn woman and I'm sitting here thinking "they don't each you how to deal with this shit at school, so how am I suppose to know what I should be worried about?"

Yep that's right, blaming everyone about my ignorance except myself. But you know what? Ignorance is bliss because right now the only thing on my mind is the sexy pair of brown wooden heels I plan to buy this weekend from River Island.

Losing My Grip

I'm not actually sure what I'm doing any more.

I've never had a complete handle on how I hoped life would turn out, I don't have a five year plan - I don't have a six month plan! I've been feeling really lost and confused, about everything, recently and I think I've just done something without thinking about it which means that I'm now absolutely numb and a little bit bloody scared.

Have you ever just wanted to pack up everything and leave, not really knowing where you're going or how things are going to pan out? I want to do this right now. But then I think about the commitments I've made to people, my measly but very real debt, and my family (who I'd miss terribly) and I ignore this burning and ever more frequent desire to, let's face it, run away.

I was once told that I'm an extremist. I don't do well sitting in the middle, I either react or I don't. I'm reacting today. I just told my housemates I want to move out, asked my mum if I could move in, I'm ending things with a guy I really like because he's too young for me to take him seriously long-term - I'm exhausted!