Short Story - Test Of Character

What am I doing?

Alex tossed and turned in bed as she fought the flutters of unwanted excitement she felt in the pit of her stomach. This guy was NO good, and yet she couldn't help but fantasise scenarios where she took him up on his offer.

Alex checked her phone again. No more messages received; not that it mattered. Her mind was running wild without the need for more interaction from him.

Was this guilt? 

It couldn't be. The thoughts she was having about him clearly proved that she wasn't as concerned about his situation as she probably should be, which was even more worrying. Did this make her an awful person? How could she even be considering this?

She mentally shook herself and stared out into the darkness of her room. Alex needed to have a word with herself, a bloody stern word. Nothing had even happened… but she knew deep down, if she could have her way something definitely would. 

Alex flung the covers from her body and kicked them off her feet. She was burning up. All these naughty thoughts about a man who was completely unavailable to her, was having the most ridiculous physical effect.

Alex snatched her phone from the bed side table and opened her messages. She typed a quite note to her friend, Nina, who knew them both, and then turned her phone off. She wouldn’t be able to settle if there was a chance he could message again.

Wide awake and mildly disturbed by her desire, Alex got out of bed and walked through the dark flat towards the kitchen. The rest of the house were fast asleep and as much as she wanted a cup of tea, it was unfair to boil the kettle so far into the night; she’d have to settle for water.

Winter was descending on them and the streets of North London were glistening under the early morning frost. Everything was very still, which made the scene even more beautiful. Alex stood at the window looking out on the world from her 4^th floor flat. Moments like this reminded her to be grateful for everything that she had in life. Though, this particular feeling of appreciation was tainted by her attraction to a married man.

Darren just had something about him. He was what I suppose you would call a “lad’s lad”. When Alex met him, she was instantly attracted to him. He was tall, held his own and was extremely well-dressed. He seemed to stick out for all the right reasons and yet wasn't quite centre of attention.

They had spotted each other across the bar and shared a flirtatious smile, which made Alex’s groin shamelessly tingle. They didn't speak until the very end of the evening but when they did, he won her over with his cheeky persona and intense gaze.

Alex had never wanted to kiss a stranger so much. She wanted him bad and despite after months of flirting, when she found out that he was in fact married and expecting his first child, that desire had never subsided.

Alex pushed herself off of the wall she’d been leaning on to gaze out of the window, crossed the front room to the sofa and settled on a corner, pulling the communal throw over her shoulders. She remained sitting in the dark room, resting her head against the cushion, listening to the sounds of North London at night.  

It was really grating on her that she had again unconsciously fallen for someone she couldn't be with. Over the years, Alex had noticed that this was a defence mechanism. She did it to protect herself from getting hurt but it didn't always work.

The sound of a night bus rolling past was closely followed by a few drunken giggles and shouts and then silence again. Alex closed her eyes, allowing the feeling of ‘home’ wash over her. Darren was bad news but he was a welcome distraction from the, occasionally overwhelming, loneliness she sometimes felt. 

And just like that, she drifted off into a comfortable sleep. 

How profound…

Are you actually having a profound conversation or are you talking shit?

I've just spent the better part of an evening discussing the fact that no two people take away the same meaning from any conversation. We've both been learning about the origin of communication and how we can use it more effectively and yet we've spent the last few hours confusing each other with thoughts and descriptions of feelings that, if overheard by the untrained ear, could sound… well nuts. 

That's not to say that the other member of the conversation understood where I was coming from or my intention of the sentences that seemed to escape my lips like an unexpected but not unpleasant verbal fart. She nodded and responded in all the right places so one can only assume that one was understood. 

Anyway my point is, does anyone actually pay attention to the receivers feedback (facial expressions, body language, etc) when talking/having discussions, are we all just partaking in monologues with such similar themes that it gives the impression that we are ‘conversating’ or am I just looking for meaning were there is none to be found? 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Seven

Freak Of Nature

Oh. Holy. Shit. I have had a nightmare week. 

First, I got into the office on Monday to find that all the work we've done towards the video stuff (scripts, guidelines, research, etc) has gone, poof, disappeared. Six weeks of work - I'm not ashamed to say that I cried.

Then the crazy guy from my post Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Five, has ramped up the volume on the psycho notch. I feel like I've ended a relationship and he's trying to convince me otherwise except in this case I HAVE NEVER MET HIM! 

Seriously!

Monday night I received two voicemails and countless 'apologetic but meaningless' texts after I had to block him from sending me whatsapp messages. 

Tuesday morning he called again, from a private number.  

Yesterday he text me again. This experience was starting to freak me out. I replied - why? because this guy needed to be told about himself. His persistence to contact me after I had asked SEVERAL times to stop is the exact reason I blocked him in the first place. He apologised. 

It was over. I went to bed with a sense of closure and slept deeply, peacefully. 

This morning... ready for a new day… he called again, leaving a voicemail, inviting me to his birthday drinks tomorrow night.

"If you decide to come, and you like me, it will make it the best birthday EVER." 

I mean, what the actual f**k? I'm beyond speechless and I'm also really uncomfortable, to the point that I feel irrationally scared. 

I've asked him to stop. 

I've told him to stop. 

Now I'm ignoring him. 

What scares me most is that he doesn't see his behaviour as inappropriate. He feels that if he contacts me enough times, exercising the exact behaviour he is apologising for, I'll be won over.

10 missed calls, 7 voicemails, 573 texts *swoon* I'm yours! - er, nope. I don't know what rule book he's reading from, but in mine, that s**t is CRAZY.  

                                                                                     *because I never did!

Secretly

"Because I need to feel loved I allow myself to be used, just so I can feel something."

Anon

Lying awake in the dark, I listen to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores. I feel like with every breath you take they get louder.

Another night of very little sleep and yet I'm just glad I'm not here alone.

You turn and slip your arm around my waist. This is what I crave the most, the warmth of you beside me but it seems to come in short supply.

What really gets me is the way you can practically ignore me all week and then be someone completely different when we're alone.

When my counsellor talks of me needing to let down my guard, these are examples of the moments I keep those walls up for because if I made myself vulnerable to you, I'd be in pieces.

Am I the reason you act so cold? Did I set us down this path, and you're just reacting to me?

Your softer snores are almost endearing, as you nuzzle my neck and pull me closer to you. Is this how you really feel? Your unconsciousness betraying you as you sleep.

I am completely confused by your presense in my life at the moment. I flit between being annoyed with you and wanting more of you. 

As the sun rises, you will stir and I'll come face to face with the other you, the one who barely meets my eye and makes me feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Can you see why I distance myself further from you?

All these secrets are silently eating away at me. I recall this was supposed to be fun but I'm definitely not having fun anymore.

Then you will call me, and all these questions will melt away until you are sleeping soundly and I'm staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores.

How Do You Choose

When I get on the bus to travel to work there are always seats, my stop is 3 from the terminal. The closer we get to Camden, the more people get on and it always intrigues me how people choose who they sit next to.

Personally if there's an empty row, I'll choose that over sitting next to someone, unless I'm getting off soon. If there isn't then I go for the seat nearest the stairs (I always sit on the upper deck).

I guess I question this decision process because I wonder if people go for who they deem approachable, in which case I don't match because I'm mostly left last. Sad, I know.

I've actually got someone sitting next to me as I type, she's just got on, but if I take a look around there are only 3 seats left... at the back.

Note to self: smile more whilst travelling

Mars Versus Venus

I have been struggling since my return from holiday.

I've felt quite lost and unsettled. It's affected my sleep pattern, my appetite, my productivity at work, the effort I put in with my friends...To top it off, last Saturday my ex got in contact with me again after 3 months silence.

I think with everything that's happened, all the emotions I've been feeling with the pregnancy and my family, I just kind of clung to the possibilities of it's meaning.

Honestly, after the initial annoyance of hearing from him again I was fantasising about us getting back together. I don't know why I do it to myself. 

Of course that's not how it all worked out, come on, I don't get happy endings! (Can you tell I'm feeling a little bitter as I write this post?)

I'm not angry at him anymore. I was for a little while after he left the country and went quiet but in hindsight I'm actually angry at myself for failing to read in between the lines, for failing to take what was said at face value.

They say that women should take men for the simple creatures that they are, that what men say is what they mean, and yet when he said:
'I care deeply for you and find what we have easy and natural'
I heard:
'Why am I questioning us? This is obviously the right relationship for me I'm just a bit scared to admit that right now'.

Oh yeah I'm putting it all out there in this post because hopefully it will teach me to stop being such a frigging idiot!

I'm very clear now that we're done. I'm hoping, with this realisation after 15 months of our relationship ending, that the stupid thoughts and fantasies that have haunted me will now fade away into oblivion.

I have loved this man with every fibre of my being, believed whole-heartedly that what we have/had was so special it was worth fighting for and trust me, I have fought to exhaustion.

Ironic that John Legend sang Ordinary People on X-Factor tonight because that's all I want to recite to him but...

After everything each of us have gone through, if he does not feel like it's worth it despite admitting that he could see us together - then I guess I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat.

This isn't letting go, this is definitely giving up... and f*** me it hurts like crazy. 

Changes I've been going through

I started this post over a week ago when I was still sunning myself on holiday but for whatever reason I didn't finish. So here goes...

I thought lying by the pool on a beautiful island like Barbados would help me get over a boat load of issues I've been carrying with me but it seems the Caribbean sun just brings them to the surface.

A few months ago I met someone new. He had left the country and we'd not spoken for weeks, I felt it was time to stop kidding myself about things 'finding their way', get off my ass and start dating. So I met this guy through a friend. He was lovely. We had easy banter and after a couple of weeks chatting we decided to meet up. A few dates later I let myself stay over at his. 

Everyone's schedule gets busy but after a couple of failed attempts to meet up afterwards, the calls and messages stopped. I was so busy with work and social activities, looking forward to my holiday, I wasn't really that fussed and it dawned on me that I perhaps didn't like him as much as I thought. C'est la vie.

I noticed that my mood was swaying between exhausted and irritable. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (not that hard as we all know) but even coming home to the girls, I just wanted to head straight to my room. My body was betraying me too and I put it down to stress. There was something very wrong. 

I left it for a week before I spoke to my housemates about it. As you may know from previous posts, I've battled with depression before, and I was worried that my behaviour was displaying it's return. 

But one morning I woke up and had a thought. I didn't believe I was, I mean how could I be? I slept with him once, it lasted 2 seconds because we were so drunk and more importantly we used protection. The facts were: my period was late, my boobs were swollen and hurt, I'd lost my appetite.

I cried so hard when I saw the test result. I convinced myself that it was a mistake and went to the doctor the very next day. I fell to the floor when she confirmed it. 

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me. I venture out into the world again in an effort to move on and the FIRST person... 

18 days ago, 9th October, I had a pregnancy termination. 

Even putting that down in black and white I can't believe it. 

I did it at home, where two of my housemates took care of me. Both my mum and my sister (who is pregnant by the way) knew what I was going through but it was two people I'd know less than a year who held my hand, wiped the tears from my face and nursed me as I writhed on the sofa in agony. 

I cannot begin to explain what it's like to feel your body reject a life and release it or the emotional trauma you go through. By the next day I was back at my desk completing the last few tasks before my holiday. Yes they said it would be fine to travel. Yes I would most probably bleed for a few days more but I should be perfectly capable of enjoying my trip.

Even as we arrived on the Sunday, I knew I wasn't back to my normal health. I was still experiencing an odd cramping feeling occasionally, which made it hard to sit comfortably. But I found myself, 4 days in, sweat dripping from my head, clutching my body, screaming out because I'm in so much pain. 

The flight had aggravated my cervix, which caused it to become inflamed. I was rushed to a private clinic and put on a drip as I waited for the ambulance. I don't remember much else about that night until I come round in the labour ward, side effects of the pain-killers worn off and I'm having a scan. I'm lucky because I got to go home that night with a prescription of antibiotics.

The flight home undid some of the medication's hard work, I was sick as soon as I got off the plane but I didn't wait around to seek help. As soon as I got back to my London flat, I made a doctors appointment for that day. 

I'm feeling much better. The medication I'm on now does make me feel drowsy, I have unsettling dreams, I'm still off my food so I look a bit scrawny but like I said, I'm feeling much better. 

Why am I bearing my soul to the world? 

Because I need to get it out. 

I'm angry that the only contact my mum has made since I last saw her on the 28th September was a shit text about her greying hair this morning, to which I've not replied. 

I'm angry that I wasn't made aware of the dangers flying could have and that I didn't get antibiotics straight away. 

I'm angry that it affected my holiday and that when I was in the throes of pain, I was silently praying he'd get in contact with me. 

I'm angry that I found myself in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm sad that I feel so alone. That despite speaking to so many people about it, it never feels over. 

I'm sad that the people I love and want to be loved by keep me at arms length. 

I'm sad that I feel I need their love at all; that the love I have for myself isn't enough.

Then I'm really scared. I'm scared that it's ruined me. My chances of love, of being a mother one day.

These are the thoughts that have kept me awake at night, that cause the tears I cry when I'm alone. This is the pain, the disappointment and the shame I feel. These are the changes I've been going through. 

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice" 

Bob Marley

 

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

A Year On: In Between The Lines

You receive a text from a boy.

It's not asking a question, in fact it's more of a statement, so you don't need to reply. It's complimentary and you're flattered, but despite what he's said his actions are contradictory.

What message do you go with?

Further to my Shut That Door post, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards the men in my life that seem to want me to wait for when the timing is good and ready for THEM.

It's like that song by Loose Ends 'Hanging On A String' whose lyrics are:

I've waited oh so long for you to come to me

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me

Baby I feel it too, What am I supposed to do?

Maybe I've just changed, Or could I be wrong for you?

You, you've got me hangin' on a string now

I'm not your plaything x2

You never told me you were waiting, contemplating

With my heart, my love x2

Do you mean to say that after all this time

I've waited like a fool, now who's been changin' you?

And that's my biggest fear.

Someone said to me recently that perhaps I'm attracting men at a crossroads because I'm at a crossroads. At a fork in the road. 

I think it's probably best for me to cut myself off. 

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

Just Hold On

Straight to the heart

No planned diversions

Words fired at speed

They're impact dead certain

The wall, it then crumbles

Just debris at my feet

Torn and now exposed

A soul incomplete

A remedy made available

For all this heartache

I was caught with my guard down

Vulnerable, awake

Now here we are

where damage is done at close range

Questioning the future

Regrets we cannot change

Straight to the heart

Sudden tears of relief

I am not unloved

I am not

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

End Of The Road

So, we made it
It's been six whole months
Have we really changed?

I am confused,

Shouldn't things get better?

Yes, time passes

But the reasons it's over still matter.

Is my laughter really real,

Or have I found it's the only way?

Taking those deep breaths, in and out,

Denying things I still want to say.

Nobody wants to hear it any more, 

Because it seems enough time has passed.

I should just be over it all,

No longer allowed to feel so crushed.

You don't call or text,
I guess that says it all really.
My days and nights are still full of us,
But you're managing fine without me.

And that's normal I suppose,
I mean, you wanted it this way.
You want to find true love, that's not me I get it,
I just wish I felt the same.

So smile, be happy, move on, go date

That's what I should do.

And only ever cry, hidden, when I remember,

That all I ever wanted,
Was you.

I had a dream

I was chatting to a colleague today about dreams; he'd had one about me getting together with a fellow colleague that I sit opposite. I also had a very weird dream last night and once we'd had a giggle about how strange we both are we decided to look into them.

First I'll share my dream with you.

I work for some sort of CIA organisation and we're based in what looks like an old hospital. It's war beaten, bombed and dusty. My plain clothed team are placed strategically around and there are patients dotted around. Then, a couple of kids run in, apparently my relatives because they run up to me crying "Auntie" and hug me. The team have to then pretend we are actually doctors attending to these patients, who are in fact our prisoners or something. 

I try to usher the kids out of the building, and we're suddenly in a run down street in East London. My nephew (I don't have one in real life) jumps on me and starts hugging and kissing my face then laughs and tells me he has headlice. I check his scalp and there they are, the little buggers. I start feeling itchy. 

I send the children back in the war zone hospital which has turned into a pub and I run to the corner chemist. I walk straight up to the counter, the assistant is chatting to a male friend. I start to get impatient. I want an ointment but all they have is some old school shampoo. I pay and run back out into the street - I wake up and wash my hair! 

Interpretation:
To dream that there are endless amount of bugs coming out of your hair suggests that something is weighing on your mind that you are confused about. Perhaps you are making a big deal out of a minor matter. Alternatively, the dream refers to concerns over your public image.

To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life. You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.

To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

Conclusion:
I think the dream is symbolising the way I'm dealing or not dealing with my relationship ending.

What have you been dreaming about lately? Check out their meaning at Dream Moods

Seven days (Day 5)

I didn't sleep well. Staying over at mums means me having to share a bed with her. She doesn't exactly snore but she's not a silent or still sleeper. 

I dress all in black because its going to rain today and I thought I'd mirror the bleak weather. But mum has a little Pomchi (Pomeranian/Chihuahua) and its hair gets everywhere! 

I grab a cup of tea, mum tells me to take a banana and an apple with me, and I head out to catch the bus. It's eight fifteen am. I feel exhausted. My eyes actually hurt I'm so tired. Today will be a long day.

My luck is looking up, I get the fast train (no stops between Harrow and Finchley Road) and I wangle a seat pretty much immediately. It's raining when I arrive at Farringdon but I've got my trusty umbrella. I work double quick so my new trainers don't get too wet. My bowl of cornflakes is calling to me. 

I'm a bit busy this morning. Lots of running around to make sure people are where they need to be. Not great when it's like a sauna in the office but I gotta do what I gotta do. It also means most of the morning has passed. 

The colleague I had lunch with the other day asked whether he has been in touch, seems her game playing has worked in her favour. I've just gone from being sad about the fact that I haven't heard from him to being positively motivated by my anger. Cold turkey it must be! 

He may have said that he can't control his feelings but I still have a right to be annoyed by his actions, so I'm going to use that to push me through this. Hmm, but they always say that nothing positive will come from being negative. 

I'm now searching for posts online about forgiveness and emotional well being. Honestly, all this being sad and confused is SO emotionally draining. So I'm reading this one: A Hug's Message to Tragedy: "Move On."

"To overcome hatred with forgiveness is to take control of your circumstances and perhaps put a spring back into your step, both mentally and physically."

What am I really trying to achieve? I know that if I stop all contact with him the only person I'm really hurting is myself. On a separate note, I just found a post on an early morning rave, right here in London. It's run by a group called Morning Glory. It starts a 6.30am - 10.30am. Unfortunately I've just missed one so will have to wait until the 25th but how awesomely cool would that be? 

I think I'm going to go for Salmon Teriyaki for lunch today. I've not had any fish since Monday. For now I'll make do with an apple and a glass of water. 

Back to work. Email here, email there. Send this document, print that document. Oh look, it's lunchtime. I change shoes. As it's still raining, I'll don my trainers for the walk to Wasabi and prey that lovely orange dress I saw on the market last week is no longer there to tempt me. 

So I was a good girl. I went to the supermarket for a meal deal which means two good things happened: 

1) I spent HALF the money

2) I avoided the "Market of my Financial DOOM" 

However, on my travels I came to a realisation - being single is far more expensive than being in a relationship. You have to go out more, therefore spending more money. I have more reason to save my money now than I did before *sigh* I had a roast chicken sandwich, an orange juice and a packet of hula hoops… I feel terrible now :( my tummy is not happy. 

It's two o'clock. Four hours to go. I am looking forward to bed time but before I even get there I've arranged a run with one of my besties (why?). 

Whoop, I've just confirmed some training that I've been working on for about a month! YES! 

I'm not sure why but I'm suddenly feeling more positive about things. I give in to the dark far too easily. Perhaps this is my new mission. I said this to, well someone this week, perhaps this big event is LIFE's way of telling me that I've become too complacent?! 

Honestly, since the moment he told me it was over, I've had to think about me, and only me. What do I like doing? What do I want to do more of? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be with… apart from him? In the last month or so, I've spent more time with my friends, more time with my family, made the most of my evenings and weekends, I've gotten into exercise - come on, we now that's big. Life has become more than rushing home to spend time with him. *lightbulb*

I have a meeting about sales training, which I know nothing about, but I know people need to have structure so that's what this meeting is about. Two members of the party don't show but I am adamant that we make headway on this so the meeting goes ahead. In all honesty, I think we've made a good effort. A staff meeting follows this and before I know it, I'm stuffing a banana into my mouth and setting my iPhone to play only feel good music to get me in the mood for this run. 

The journey over to Putney, where she lives, is painless and I make it in forty minutes. I quickly change and we're off. The sun is setting over the river as we make our way towards Hammersmith keeping a good pace. We run to the bridge and back, covering 6.99km (whoop) and we're feeling good. This is all in prep for that 12K I've talked about in a couple of previous posts. 

I don't stick around; I'm tired, though pumped, and I still have to travel across London to get home. I drop him a line to find out if we're still on for tomorrow - plans to go to a gig. He replies yes. I ask what time I should aim for.... That's where the conversation appears to end.

I walk into a quiet house, the housemate must already be in bed. I have a quick shower before I slip into something comfortable, namely my onesie, and settle down for a well deserved sleep. It's ten forty pm.

Bidding wars

I've never really tried to use eBay before. I have sold a couple of items on there but that's about it, never bought anything. In the last 2 months I've had to throw away a couple of my favourite pairs of shoes - my beloved converse (black & grey).

I decided, the cheapskate that I am, to buy a used pair because then not only would I be spending less money but I won't have to go through the 'breaking them in' pain.

Had a look on eBay, added a few items into my 'wish basket' and started bidding.
"Ooh 99p, yes please".
Within 30 minutes, these bad boys have crept up to £7 and there's still a whole day left on the offer.

I got into work this morning at 9am, I don't start until half past, and the first thing I did was log into my eBay account. I really want these hi-tops and the other bidders are really starting to annoy me.

I type in a pound more than what they've offered and I'm still out-bidded. How can this be? How fast are these people bidding? We still have over 6 hours left, why are they so desperate?!

I type in £2 more than the current bid and it's accepted. But hey, my bid amount isn't showing, yet eBay is telling me I'm now the highest bidder. I'm confused… Hang on a darn minute… what's this maximum bid thingy?

O M Jizzle, so this is how it works.

With 40 minutes left to bid, I'm the highest bidder at £26.50, still less than half the price for a new pair but I'll admit I'm not going over the half way mark for a used pair of trainers. They may be in 'good nick' but I'll be damned if I buy a used ANYTHING for close to the price of something new.

But it has to be said, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. And the best reward at the end of all this, even if I don't 'win' the trainers, I've not felt sad all afternoon :)

End of bid result: I got them! £31.00, steal of a price :D

GET IN!

Working 9 to 5

*Sigh* I'm having trouble at work, in the sense that I never want to be here.

I've never really known what I wanted to do with my life - work wise - and I'm still struggling. I used to work at a college coordinating international visits, but thought I wanted to be a Project Manager. I then got a job as a Project Manager, realised what a thankless job it is and hated every second of it so handed in my notice.

The sense of relief was amazing and I felt free to explore what else was out there. I love the freedom my boyfriend has with his day. Yeah he has to get up at god-awful times in the morning, but he gets to nap during the day. Or if the freaking sun decides to grace us with it's presence, he gets to relax in the park topping up his tan!

Last year I went to a Zumba workshop, bought for me by my boyfriend, which resulted in me obtaining an instructor's certificate. I'd always been far too scared to consider making a living from it but this time round I suddenly had the enthusiasm and gusto to potentially go for it.

Then an opportunity presented itself to me at my old company. I hadn't even finished working my notice yet, but given my feedback as to why I chose to hand in my notice (lack of training) and feedback they had received from others, I was offered the position to set up our own training department. Now, I've got absolutely NO training experience but I want to make this work. If I am passionate about one thing it's supporting the well-being of staff. I know what it's like to have work drive you to depression. Life can be one hell of a bitch at the best of times, so I want to assist with work being the place that helps pay your bills, but also stretches your mind.

So I have days when I'm all go, go, go! And then I hit a wall and all creativity, momentum, motivation disappears and suddenly all I can think about is being at home, nursing the baby my boyfriend refuses to give me at this moment in time :)

I will make something of this role. I have to. I will not be that 30 year old woman who has no idea what she wants or has nothing to show for the 18 years in work.

Powered by such a depressing goal, I'm reaching out to old colleagues who work or worked in Education, Management & Leadership for tips. It's not what you know but who, right?!

Let's get this party started.  

I'm not crying

I'm not crying but I do feel empty.
I feel lost and confused,
Angry with myself for being in this place.

I'm not crying but I want to scream, loudly.
I feel tense in my body,
Longing to lash out.

I'm not crying but I'm bloody exhausted.
Scared to tell the truth,
Denying myself a chance.

I'm not crying but I feel so lonely.
Vulnerable and naked,
Beaten and raw.

I'm not crying, I'm not.
But I feel like I want to.