Lost My Mojo

I'm not feeling inspired. 

I go through this sometimes with my writing. When times are hard I have inspiration galore but as soon as things start to smooth out, I'm literally lost for words. 

A few years ago I started writing a book. It was all about my love life (sound familiar) and about the relationships I found myself falling into, or more often than not, falling out of. 

When I started dating my ex and I was content with the ways things were, it was all very laid back and casual to start with gradually morphing into something deeper; there was no real stress about it, well not that I remember, but the point is I stopped writing. 

Looking back I wonder if I stopped because I couldn't dramatise what was happening? If you're in love and happy, how can you describe that feeling without sounding like you're high on acid imagining butterflies, unicorns, rainbows and shit? 

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to write about it I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! "I've finally found a man I can be myself with and he loves me for it!" But it just sounded… silly. I couldn't make a story out of it because I didn't know where it was going - the story, not the relationship. 

Do they get married? Does she get pregnant? Is it a happy or sad ending? Will he cheat on her, or she cheats on him? I couldn't plan it because it was based on MY life and I just didn't know. 

So I started writing it here, in small digestible chunks and it was kind of exciting because you just never knew what was coming, I mean just check out the last few posts before the break up, I was blissfully unaware it was all about to go pete tong.  

Anyway, I'm whitening on now. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm trying but right now there's just nothing interesting to report. 

Over and out. 

When All Is Said

Being honest with yourself can sometimes feel like an epiphany. A sense of euphoria washes over you and it's almost like a weight has been lifted... 

But realisation is the easy part, even if you felt the journey to it was tough, after the honesty comes the real work.

I'm not patient, I think we've all established that through other posts; I like to think it's because I'm an Aries rather than a general character flaw (denial is a girls best friend). 

In the last month I've made a few major decisions, taken some substantial actions, in my life:
To be or not to be a single mummy
Called time on the twisted ill-fated friendship I had with my ex
Called my mum out for being lazy with our relationship  

The result?

Feeling the most unwanted and most lost I've ever experienced in my life. 

I've literally been dreaming of packing up my shit and leaving everything, everyone behind in an effort to just start from scratch. I wouldn't do anything as 'drastic' as changing my name but I'd just kind of wipe the slate clean and start my life again. No pregnancy, no ex drama, no work expectations, no shitty family relations.  

Just me in a new place with everything to live for.

My dad said I need to find what makes me happy and just concentrate on that, but what if what makes you happy is a person or a job or a place? Apparently that's just stuff that shouldn't have an impact on your true happiness.


So what is happiness?





This, I fear, will be the real work after the epiphany.... FML

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere

Start From Scratch

You could move to a small town
Leave behind everything you know
Head to a place you can start again

Work as a waitress
In a cafe off the main street
Be someone new, a new life, a new name

The let downs, new expectations
Pressure, the moment you step out the door
It would be nice not to feel

Time can only do so much
Friends can only listen so long
Moving forward is the way to deal

You could drive out to the ocean
Throw pebbles out into the sea
One for every day things were fine

You could move to a small town
Because you are healing, getting stronger,
One step at a time.

Devotion - very short story

He smiled at me today.

Well that's not anything special. He tends to smile at me a lot nowadays; because he's happy, and if I'm honest I'm a little jealous.

I can't help but glance over at him from time to time. I don't even know I'm doing it until he glances up at me.

It all sounds so very stalkerish, but it's innocent I swear. I start off staring into space, not concentrating on anything in particular and then he's in focus. I come to, quickly averting my gaze.

But when he looks at me I get this fluttery feeling inside.

When we innocently touch, I get the strongest impulse to kiss him.

We barely talk, we have no need to, but when we do I feel like the only one in the room.

My entire body gets hot and he knows; I know he knows.

And I bet secretly he gets a kick out of it but I can't help myself.

I need this.

The thought of us together.

It's all I have. This crush. Because I missed my chance.

Still...

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

The wind blowing against my skin, pushing my cardigan away from my body

Mellow guitar cords strumming in my ears

Making the perfect soundtrack

All these elements create a feeling inside of me that I just can't shake

Like it's haunting me 

Life is going on around me

Happy, smiling

Painful, sad 

A group of girls giggling

A father pushing a buggy

Lads playing football

And me, the observer of life

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.

It's those little things

I got my hair did - done :) and I think I look completely different.

It's taking some getting used to because there's a lot of it and it's much heavier but it's nice to feel different, even if it's superficial.

I sat at home last night reading some chick lit on my kindle and I had my iTunes playing a loud on random. Suddenly this song came on, I didn't even know I was paying any attention to it until I burst into tears - oh dear. And that was it. It took about 45 minutes to get a hold of myself again but for the rest of the evening my head swam with memories and I was overtaken with a new sense of loss.

It's been over a month since I last saw him - the longest time period in 2 years. I still think about him every day in some way or another but I must confess that it is getting easier… obviously when I'm not hijacked by traitorous repressed emotions. I hope that he misses me too but there is a good chance that he doesn't, and that's okay it really is because we're no longer a couple, we no longer have ties, and most importantly he's entitled to move on.

I'm currently busy looking for new rooms to rent, in fact I've got two viewings this evening, which is exciting. But I am in a bind, I'm not sure if I should tell my landlord that I'm looking or just surprise him with a month's notice once I've found a place.

I've also got three exciting weekends lined up. This week I'm off to the country to visit my grandparents where I'm also planning on attempting my first 7-10 mile run (eek), next weekend I'm going to the ARCTIC MONKEYS CONCERT, visiting the BRUTAL exhibition, have a dinner party invite for a friend's birthday and a brunch date, and the following weekend I'm dressing up for Halloween for work, going to two fancy dress parties - Great Gatsby themed for my cousin's 18th and 90's pop acts themed for my friend's 29th. And that's October done and dusted.

I'm grateful for my health, my friends and family and for the little things that make me smile every day.

If you're going through something similar, it's not hopeless but it helps to just get through each day as it comes x

Quick fix

So though most will be wishing away the remaining days of this short week, due to the bank holiday, I will be moping about in my new room in my new onesie.

I am absolutely dreading this move. Although I am happy with the property and its occupant, I just do not want to live there. No offence to my new roomie, I'd feel this way if I had to move anywhere. It's because I do not want to move on without him.

This is going to be a major shock to the system and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to face up to reality; the "sticking my head in the sand till it blows over" technique, is one I'd gladly adopt. 

EVERYONE is telling me it'll all be okay, it takes time, it'll get easier - well it doesn't feel that way right now and that's all I can wrap my broken self around at the moment. 

I try to think about the people who are worse off than me, how they still get up every day and 'plod on' because that's life, it keeps on moving, but I feel stuck; like my feet are cemented to the ground and no matter what I do I cannot move - in any direction! I just end up flapping my arms about like some loon, begging for assistance but I'm told over and over the same solution, something that will take ages to take effect. 

It's no good - I'm an Aries, impatient, I need a quick fix, give me a damn quick fix!