Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

Pin-Addict

I love everything about Pinterest.

I happily waste a good few hours a week on it, pinning items I wish I had, quotes/saying I wish I had the guts to say, and places I wish I could go.

At the moment my biggest addiction is pinning decor for the home I 'hope' to buy, but will never be able to afford.

I pin anything I like. There's no real theme, except comfort.

I'm a girls girl so there's plenty of floral and colour, possibly and man's nightmare but from my experience they don't even notice unless it's pointed out to them… much like dust!

So I'm following an uber cool thread on Google + called Housetohome for inspiration and get emails from Joss & Main.

I have a good idea of how I want my living area and my kitchen. Ideally I'd love a cottage, so incorporate that into my pins. I think of coming home to sink into a comfortable sofa, surrounded by cushions, neutral and calm colours, making a cup of tea on my AGA ;)

Here are a few examples...

  

If you're more into cool prints, shower curtains and accessories, head to the American site Society6. Absolutely love the random bits you find on there.

I definitely nest. My home is my haven. It's the place I centre myself after a rough day or a hard experience. If my home is in order, life seems more bearable.

What centres you?

Still...

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

The wind blowing against my skin, pushing my cardigan away from my body

Mellow guitar cords strumming in my ears

Making the perfect soundtrack

All these elements create a feeling inside of me that I just can't shake

Like it's haunting me 

Life is going on around me

Happy, smiling

Painful, sad 

A group of girls giggling

A father pushing a buggy

Lads playing football

And me, the observer of life

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

The Date

I've decided to accept that I simply cannot control my heart. It wants what it wants.

Kind of like when my body craves chocolate or sugary goods around the time of the month all women, and possibly men too, hate.

So drawing on the limited learning I've gained from my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course, I'm trying to change the way I interpret and respond to my surroundings.

Step 1: Be more active in terms of socialising and 'putting oneself out there'

Step 2: Strike up conversation with someone (a guy)

Step 3: Exchange numbers

Step 4: If you're not totally weirded out by the guy, set up a date

Step 5: Go on said date

So, that's what I've done; I've gone on my first date… It wasn't terrible but I'd rather not do it again.

He'll probably google my name now and read this but I have to be honest.

It wasn't him, I just didn't feel anything and in fact, we spent a great deal talking about our exes. Today was his ex's birthday and my 6th month anniversary. Dates to be remembered and not for the 5 beers and forced conversation.

Still, I did it and it was relatively painless... about as fun as a wax, which reminds me...