Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

Tick Tock

It's been highlighted to me more than once in the last 6 months that I'm expect a lot from myself and I guess I do put a bit of pressure on myself to be better, looker sexier or be funnier or smarter now I'm single. 

But then I think, well hang on a minute, you should be a bit hard on yourself because you've got a lot to prove. It's that old comparison of where I am versus where I think I should be rearing it's ugly head again.

I live in shared accommodation, I barely have any savings, my relationship status is currently sitting between nun and no hope, and yes I may adore my housemates and have wonderful friends but London makes me feel isolated, stressed, claustrophobic and like I'm under performing.

It took me over 2 hours to visit a friend on the other side of the city. I could almost make it to my grandparents house in Norfolk in that same time frame. 

I've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and when he and I split I wasn't sure if by making the move I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. But now that I've recovered from everything and my heart is healing finally, it feels like the right decision... for me. 

I woke up yesterday to a WhatsApp message from a fellow Arian:

"You are definitely not a follower, Aries. Then again, while you are certainly capable of being a leader, you often choose to go off in your own direction. Right now the stars are encouraging you to blaze a trail to something exciting and new. There is a path you have been longing to take, and the time is right for taking it. Even if it happens rather offbeat, and even if those in your inner circle don't approve of it, you must do what you must do. Your bold ventures will result in success."

What more do I need to say? 

When All Is Said

Being honest with yourself can sometimes feel like an epiphany. A sense of euphoria washes over you and it's almost like a weight has been lifted... 

But realisation is the easy part, even if you felt the journey to it was tough, after the honesty comes the real work.

I'm not patient, I think we've all established that through other posts; I like to think it's because I'm an Aries rather than a general character flaw (denial is a girls best friend). 

In the last month I've made a few major decisions, taken some substantial actions, in my life:
To be or not to be a single mummy
Called time on the twisted ill-fated friendship I had with my ex
Called my mum out for being lazy with our relationship  

The result?

Feeling the most unwanted and most lost I've ever experienced in my life. 

I've literally been dreaming of packing up my shit and leaving everything, everyone behind in an effort to just start from scratch. I wouldn't do anything as 'drastic' as changing my name but I'd just kind of wipe the slate clean and start my life again. No pregnancy, no ex drama, no work expectations, no shitty family relations.  

Just me in a new place with everything to live for.

My dad said I need to find what makes me happy and just concentrate on that, but what if what makes you happy is a person or a job or a place? Apparently that's just stuff that shouldn't have an impact on your true happiness.


So what is happiness?





This, I fear, will be the real work after the epiphany.... FML

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

Are you being S.M.A.R.T or are you just being?

I held a training session this morning about setting S.M.A.R.T goals. I had no structure to my session as I hadn't prepared for it and I was basically bluffing my way through the session, but it did get me thinking.

I don't really have any goals. Crazy right?

I suppose I have some wishy washy ones:
"I just want to be happy"
"I'd like to have children one day"
"I hope to have a house in the countryside, walk my dogs along the beach and bake truly amazing cakes for my children's birthdays"
But where are the tangible career orientated goals; the ones that show I'm striving towards greatness?

Last night I spoke to someone I love dearly and felt as though they sounded so lost. It broke my heart. For as long as I've known them, they have pushed themselves to be the best that they can be, constantly reading up on their field of interest, answering work emails late into the evening, essentially working 7 days a week because of the need to prepare for the next week ahead. I found it SO frustrating that they so rarely let themselves have a day off, let alone a weekend.

I frequently ask what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I'm nearly 31 and I rent a room in someone else's house, I live pay cheque to pay cheque, I'm always in my overdraft because I like to buy cute things I don't need, eat out at nice places, drink myself into oblivion and dance like a crazy person, enjoy going to see live bands.

I'm not a saver, I'm not a 'put this aside for the future' kind of person, which is why I'll probably work until the maximum retirement age and won't be able to afford NOT to go back to work after having children, if I can even afford to have THEM.

But I love doing those things.

The fact that I'm 'a jack of all trades and master of none' of course bothers me but with 'great power, comes great responsibility'. And I honestly cannot be bothered with it. This way it means I can go home at a reasonable hour, have my weekends to myself and not have to squeeze in my holidays when I can, well squeeze them in. In a sense, I'm free. Free of responsibility, free of pressure, free of duty.

I hope they find peace, whatever they end up doing in life. And if you happen to read this and know it's you I'm referring to:

"To Live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

Oscar Wilde 

All my love x

The Date

I've decided to accept that I simply cannot control my heart. It wants what it wants.

Kind of like when my body craves chocolate or sugary goods around the time of the month all women, and possibly men too, hate.

So drawing on the limited learning I've gained from my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course, I'm trying to change the way I interpret and respond to my surroundings.

Step 1: Be more active in terms of socialising and 'putting oneself out there'

Step 2: Strike up conversation with someone (a guy)

Step 3: Exchange numbers

Step 4: If you're not totally weirded out by the guy, set up a date

Step 5: Go on said date

So, that's what I've done; I've gone on my first date… It wasn't terrible but I'd rather not do it again.

He'll probably google my name now and read this but I have to be honest.

It wasn't him, I just didn't feel anything and in fact, we spent a great deal talking about our exes. Today was his ex's birthday and my 6th month anniversary. Dates to be remembered and not for the 5 beers and forced conversation.

Still, I did it and it was relatively painless... about as fun as a wax, which reminds me...

Tinderlious

Oh god I'm here again and I'll tell you what, it NEVER gets easier.

In fact I think I'm pickier than when I was younger, when all I was looking for was someone tall, cute and fun. Now I'm looking for something long-term, husband material, someone I could see myself growing old with - what a tall order?!

And how do you even go about it? Long gone are the days when I have the time, money or energy to go out every night and meet someone organically. Now it's all down to these fandangled phone apps - and the fact I used fandangled just proves how out of the dating scene I am.

Tinder... actually, when I was still with my ex he had a client who was working on a BETA app that we signed up to as testers. It was under a different name back then but it's generally the same thing.

Using your location, it offers you pictures of guys and girls that you can either 'like' or 'dislike'. If you like someone and they like you, you 'match' and you have the option for communication. Great. Simple enough...

Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
It that really a penis? DISLIKE
OMG, really? Dislike

Hmm, maybe not as simple as I thought.

Am I rushing into this? No, it's nearly been 6 months; it's time to start the next stage. Can you do that if you haven't completely reached the finish line of the first? Shut up hope, shut up, we're doing this.

Ooh okay, cute. Like
Dislike
Dislike
Ha ha ha funny pictures. Like
Dislike
Dislike

Okay I'm bored now. I'll try again next month....

We're not old, we're retro - rant

Another one bites the dust.

My friend is pregnant. In the last 6 months she's found the love of her life and now, she's pregnant.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I knew it would be him :) they light up around one another but, I'm sad too. Not because I'm losing another friend to motherhood, it's more selfish than that; it's because I'm exactly in the same place as I was 5 years ago... getting over a boy, not sure what I'm doing with life. 

It's a numbing reality. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with work. Two weeks of Jan have passed and they have done so like thieves in the night, without me noticing. It's a sobering thought that time can pass so silently. 

I know why I'm freaking out. I've got 9 weeks left. This year, my 30th year, started on such a high, had a drastic dip and has now plateaued. I had imagined it SO differently. 

If you had the option to read about what would happen in your life over the next year, would you? I think after the last year... I might consider it, just to prepare myself for ANYTHING. 

I promise, I'm not drunk. Still sober 19 days in. I think this is a sugar rant, or lack of. 

One step at a time x

Body FAIL

At 30, I'm not old. Well, when you're under 25 I suppose 30 seems ancient but now I'm here, I am not old. So why is my body starting to fall apart?!

This weekend I got dressed up as an Avatar for a friend's 30th - I promised you a pic so here it is (eek)

I know, I know, I look like a twat but that what fancy dress is for!! 

Anyway, back on topic, obviously I got pretty drunk. I tumbled into a cab at about half past three in the morning, somehow was sober enough to wash ALL of my make up off before bed and then I promptly fell into bed STARKERS because I just couldn't function anymore to put on my PJs. 

Sunday morning brought with it glorious sunshine and horrendous body issues! WTF?! No hangover just a body that felt as though I'd been run down by a train, followed by a truck and swiftly beaten to a pulp by the Hulk. My throat ached, my nose hurt, I was suffering from an awful neck pain, shoulders ached, and my legs felt like dead weights.   

When did going out for a night of drinking, fun and dancing mean ending up in that state? 

I am not prepared. I guess my next online food shop will include more paracetamol and apparently some Deep Heat - good god!