You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Short Story - Test Of Character

What am I doing?

Alex tossed and turned in bed as she fought the flutters of unwanted excitement she felt in the pit of her stomach. This guy was NO good, and yet she couldn't help but fantasise scenarios where she took him up on his offer.

Alex checked her phone again. No more messages received; not that it mattered. Her mind was running wild without the need for more interaction from him.

Was this guilt? 

It couldn't be. The thoughts she was having about him clearly proved that she wasn't as concerned about his situation as she probably should be, which was even more worrying. Did this make her an awful person? How could she even be considering this?

She mentally shook herself and stared out into the darkness of her room. Alex needed to have a word with herself, a bloody stern word. Nothing had even happened… but she knew deep down, if she could have her way something definitely would. 

Alex flung the covers from her body and kicked them off her feet. She was burning up. All these naughty thoughts about a man who was completely unavailable to her, was having the most ridiculous physical effect.

Alex snatched her phone from the bed side table and opened her messages. She typed a quite note to her friend, Nina, who knew them both, and then turned her phone off. She wouldn’t be able to settle if there was a chance he could message again.

Wide awake and mildly disturbed by her desire, Alex got out of bed and walked through the dark flat towards the kitchen. The rest of the house were fast asleep and as much as she wanted a cup of tea, it was unfair to boil the kettle so far into the night; she’d have to settle for water.

Winter was descending on them and the streets of North London were glistening under the early morning frost. Everything was very still, which made the scene even more beautiful. Alex stood at the window looking out on the world from her 4^th floor flat. Moments like this reminded her to be grateful for everything that she had in life. Though, this particular feeling of appreciation was tainted by her attraction to a married man.

Darren just had something about him. He was what I suppose you would call a “lad’s lad”. When Alex met him, she was instantly attracted to him. He was tall, held his own and was extremely well-dressed. He seemed to stick out for all the right reasons and yet wasn't quite centre of attention.

They had spotted each other across the bar and shared a flirtatious smile, which made Alex’s groin shamelessly tingle. They didn't speak until the very end of the evening but when they did, he won her over with his cheeky persona and intense gaze.

Alex had never wanted to kiss a stranger so much. She wanted him bad and despite after months of flirting, when she found out that he was in fact married and expecting his first child, that desire had never subsided.

Alex pushed herself off of the wall she’d been leaning on to gaze out of the window, crossed the front room to the sofa and settled on a corner, pulling the communal throw over her shoulders. She remained sitting in the dark room, resting her head against the cushion, listening to the sounds of North London at night.  

It was really grating on her that she had again unconsciously fallen for someone she couldn't be with. Over the years, Alex had noticed that this was a defence mechanism. She did it to protect herself from getting hurt but it didn't always work.

The sound of a night bus rolling past was closely followed by a few drunken giggles and shouts and then silence again. Alex closed her eyes, allowing the feeling of ‘home’ wash over her. Darren was bad news but he was a welcome distraction from the, occasionally overwhelming, loneliness she sometimes felt. 

And just like that, she drifted off into a comfortable sleep. 

Raising Your Game

Self-discovery.

It sounds very wishy washy, doesn't it, and a lot of people believe that it is wasted time. Why spend time looking inwards? It means you're missing what's going on around you! And that's partly true. I suppose it very much depends on what you 'intend' to get out of your self discovery.

For me it started with finding myself again. When my last relationship ended I had 1,000,001 questions.

What had I done wrong?
What could I have done better?
Why wasn't I enough?
What will I do now?

And I felt very sorry for myself. I was obviously in need of improvement so I turned to the Internet and books.

How could I become a better person so that the person I loved wouldn't leave me? 

Now, you might read that and think I'm pathetic. I read that and think it's pathetic, but I don't think I am, well not any more at least. This journey I am on started with the right goal in mind but I was picturing the wrong person. The person that I didn't want to leave me was a guy, but over time, that person became me. And by better, I meant stronger. 

Have you ever found that when you're in a relationship, the things that used to be really important to you or that interested you and took up your time, they seem to just not be important any more? You don't see those friends, don't listen to that band, don't watch that show, don't play that sport or go to that gym class?

Your partner hasn't forced you to stop them, they just kind of fizzled out of your life. And regardless of whether your relationship ends or not, you just wake up one day and ask yourself "What did I used to do? What was I interested in?!"

Reconnecting with that you, that's self-discovery. Trying something new and finding out you're good at it or you hate it, that's self-discovery. Even being affected or NOT affected by something or someone after time has passed, that's self-discovery, because you're learning something about yourself.

Two and a half years ago I discovered that I liked training people.
A year and a half ago I accepted that I was quite good at it.
A year ago I decided that I wanted to get better at communicating so that I would be better at my job and that the people I trained would get more from the sessions I delivered.
Six months ago I pushed myself a little harder and discovered the power I held over my circumstances.
Three months ago I took a resourceful step towards the future I want.

The more I learn about myself and the capabilities I have and make use of the tools available to shape the world around me, the more flexible I become to meet my goals and 'be' successful.

Now that is definitely NOT wishy washy.

End Of An Era

Wow.

So the last few months have been a roller coaster and a half; emotionally, physically and professionally.

I have (literally) just finished a massive project at work that has taken over my life since March, and I am leaving my company in 2 weeks to start a new adventure in my career.

The next BIG step.

I'm sad as I write this because I have learned so much since being here; about myself as a person, a friend and a manager.

I've endured some pretty rough personal experiences since being here too and yet I am stronger than ever upon my leaving.

Really, this is a quick post just to say, watch this space... change is a'coming.

HASHTAG On It

So… it's been a while huh? :) 

Nothing really exciting has really happened, but I'm guessing you gathered from my last post that life was pretty busy. 

Work just seemed to get a bit manic all of a sudden, I was spending most weekends studying or attending workshops and then I went on 'holiday' with my niece for a week. 

To say the last 3 months have been a whirlwind in an understatement. 

My diary has become my lifesaver because I'm seriously at the point where I have to schedule time in with myself - yes, it's THAT crazy. 

Apart from days where I've been too exhausted to eat, it's not all been bad. 

I've met some incredibly wonderful people, learnt some really cool things, read some insightful books, been to some awesome places; laughed, cried, danced and suffered horrendous hangovers. And if the weather had been good for the duration, it would have bordered on perfect :) 

I still have a way to go till I'm where I want to be, but I can honestly say that I'm on my way. 

I've taken a little time off from studying but it's time to get back on it, or at least doing some active application. Which reminds me… I need to review my coaching action points and actually do some of them. 

Too much fun makes Amy a procrastinator! 

Growth Of Self: Finding The Time

I think I've been a 'victim' for far too long.

Accepting that you have the ability to create the life you have always dreamt of, can be extremely empowering. I'm literally buzzing with anticipation, excitement, at the possibilities; it's just about finding the time to fit everything in.

I'm blessed to have so many people in my life who want to spend quality time with me, and it does get a tad difficult making sure that I'm giving everyone their due attention, including myself.

I'm trying to read as much as I can, on the bus ride to and from work, just before bed, in the bath; my kindle has never seen so much action! But reading is just the start, in order to get to where I want to be I need to DO something.

I find this a lot easier to apply to things such as fitness... work on the other hand...

A review is in order because right now life is happening to me instead of me creating the life I want to live.

I hear my internal dialogue saying "let's start next week", "what if we wait until after our holiday, when we're rested?" and if I'm honest with myself, I'm listening to it when I shouldn't be because the way things are right now, it doesn't serve me well.

So here I am, Monday afternoon, looking forward to the end of the work day so I can get my fitness on, thinking - what can I do today that my future self will thank me for?

Wishing you a productive day people! 

Growth Of Self: Recognising How You Restrict Yourself

I've just finished a 10 day NLP programme, and boy have my eyes been opened.

I signed up to do this programme because I know I am my own worst enemy, so these 10 days I sat in a room with 40 other people being introduced to a variety of tools that I can utilise to recognise resourceful and unresourceful behaviour patterns and ultimately change them.

And if I became aware of anything during that time it was how much of a hold my 'restrictive' behaviours have on me.

My head hurt so bad by the end of the first day that I called in sick the next day as it had brought on a migraine. The chatter had already started, "You'll never get this", "You don't understand this because you're not capable of applying it", "When you get this wrong, everyone will know you're an idiot - whatever you do, KEEP QUIET".

My self dialogue was running wild and unfortunately I couldn't help listening. 

Honestly, the last 4 months have been a full-on journey of self-discovery, or perhaps uncovery. Lots of stuff I was 'partially aware of' has fluttered to the surface and is now staring me boldly in the face challenging me to take it on.

The question is, where to start?

One Step At A Time

First things first, I want to dedicate time to being comfortable with these new techniques.

I'm spending some time out of London this weekend and I plan to enjoy the peace and quiet in order to review what needs to be done, set priorities and plan my next steps.

The more I practise being aware of these 'restrictive' behaviours, and identifying whether they serve me well or not, the more I can make better decisions.

Oh and recognising that I'm in a good place, better than a lot of people, and being grateful for that as well as knowing that I am already making great progress.

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Four

One more week to go and I'll be a year older. 

So far my 30's have presented me with tough life experiences. Though I am not religious in any way I can't help but quote St Paul from Second Corinthians: 

'For when I am weak, then I am strong' 

After each event I've found myself in a strange but familiar darkness where I've experienced an acute anxiety of the future. 

Thursday is counselling day. 

An hour a week I am forced to look at WHY I do things, or think about things the way that I do, so it's no surprise that I have been drawn to topics like 'self-confidence', 'depression' and 'happiness' on TEDTalks.

Interestingly, some of the key messages I picked out fit nicely with the NLP course I'm about to embark on next weekend but also with the conversations I've been having with my counsellor.

When the final wave of my grief over my relationship ending I posted a status on Facebook by Bob Marley about being strong, and in the talk I listened to after last week's session by Andrew Solomon, those words were repeated:

"We seek our identities in the wake of our painful experiences" 

Well, hot damn, that's what I've been doing for the last 6 months... wow, it's been 6 months! How different life could be if I'd made a different decision.  

My favourite talk of them all was one by Shawn Achor 'The Happy Secret To Better Work'. Not only is Shawn an engaging speaker but he puts things into perspective.

The main thing I took away from his talk was the way he broke down the happiness formula that we all probably use:

"If I work harder I'll be successful. 

The more successful I am, the happier I'll be..."

And every time our brains register a success, we change the goal posts of what success looks like! Take this weekend for an example, I ran a 10k for the British Heart Foundation with some work colleagues and got a personal best, in fact I've never come close to getting that time before and yet I'm already scheming how I can better it rather than just being content.  

"If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there."

It's an interesting thing to consider though, no? 

What do you consider to be success and do you allow yourself to enjoy it when you get there or do you immediately move the goal posts and therefore delaying your happiness? 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part One

Like most Monday mornings, yesterday I found it very hard to get out of bed. I got home from my mum's and went straight to my room were I was reading until late (ish as it was still before midnight) caught up in a romantic piece of chick lit.

Then one of my housemates crashed home at 2 am after a boozy date and woke me up. So I'm tired, and apparently grouchy.

After 3 weeks of feeling poorly, I'm now feeling terribly portly! All this eating and no exercise is expanding my waistline. No fault of my own for a change, it's just amazing what a difference a break away from my routine can do.

So now that I'm back to good health, I just need to retrain my body and brain into the habit of exercising and eating better; as much as sitting on the couch eating ginger-nuts and drinking tea sounds like heaven in this bipolar weather.

• First step is to eat breakfast every day. 
• Second, try to get some protein in there.
• Third, eat a sufficient lunch and dinner.  
• Forth, run home twice a week.

I packed my bag and in it I put... my running kit and I ran home last night.

I decided to take a different route to normal, one I knew put hadn't checked the distance. By the time I got to just over 4km I could feel a dirty stitch developing underneath my ribs. I tried to run through it but it made me feel like I wanted to be sick so I gave into it, I finished logging my run and walked it out.

I didn't want to give up. I knew if I hadn't got the pain I'd have been able to run the whole way. Instead of letting the negative thoughts overcome me and giving up, I started a new workout and began jogging in a new direction. The pain was gone, my legs were still feeling okay, no harm done.

When I got home, dripping with sweat and feeling a tad over heated, I'd covered a longer distance in just over my normal time - chuffed to bits. Going to try to better this on my next run home. Typical Arian competitive streak coming out.

Getting my SEXY back is just one of the tasks I'm setting myself. There's a lot more to do!

Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

Are You Confident?

Confidence is an essential component to create a healthy relationship with yourself and in turn that inspires and motivates others to do the same.

Confident people:

• Focus on their positive characteristics.
• Tell themselves they are perfectly imperfect.
• Cherish and honour their principles.
• Respect their own needs and wants.
• Advertise their strengths, not their weaknesses.

Be kind to yourself

Become aware that if you are unkind to yourself, you will subconsciously attract others to be unkind to you. Let go of the compulsive need for approval.

Confident people know self-belief is the main pillar of success. They have indestructible self-belief; they let go of self-defeating beliefs about what might happen in the future and know they have to change their perceptions to change their lives.

It’s all well and good me writing this but the RESULTS are in the practice. I own about 3-4 books that say the same or similar things, it’s one of the main learnings of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

I’m a great reader. I have underlined these books to the max! I agree and believe in each point.

However, I’m not so great when it comes to ACTION.

Action seems like a dirty word to me. I know I have to do something but I just never seem to 'get round to it'.

Now you could say that it can’t be that important to me, it is I promise you, but I give into the limiting beliefs that tell me I’m not good enough or I can’t do it.

I couldn’t tell you where these feelings stem from, maybe it was feedback I received whilst growing up - my school teachers, my parents, friends, boyfriends, who knows - but they exist.

The catch 22? If I practice, I could reduce the strength of these limiting beliefs… sods law.

Am I confident?

I can be, but naturally no. It takes a strong worded pep talk for me to don the confident armour and that's usuallu accompanied by a couple of glasses of wine.

New Years Resolution #1 - work on confidence. It could be the key to getting to where I should be!

Change In Perspective

Christmas is often a time for reflection on the year just passed. People start thinking about what went well, what didn't and what they want to achieve in the next year.

Last year was a lousy time for me. But this year I feel... different; more positive.

To quote my favourite song at the moment:

"I'm focused on my future, I've settled on the past"

A lot of sh*t went down in 2014. There were high times and some serious lows, but I'm still standing - taller than ever.

I am perfectly imperfect and everything that I do from hereon in will be focused on perfecting those perfect imperfections because that's what makes me ME.

Merry Christmas!

How Do You Choose

When I get on the bus to travel to work there are always seats, my stop is 3 from the terminal. The closer we get to Camden, the more people get on and it always intrigues me how people choose who they sit next to.

Personally if there's an empty row, I'll choose that over sitting next to someone, unless I'm getting off soon. If there isn't then I go for the seat nearest the stairs (I always sit on the upper deck).

I guess I question this decision process because I wonder if people go for who they deem approachable, in which case I don't match because I'm mostly left last. Sad, I know.

I've actually got someone sitting next to me as I type, she's just got on, but if I take a look around there are only 3 seats left... at the back.

Note to self: smile more whilst travelling

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

Having A Plan - Being Awesome

I've spent too much time letting life dictate to me how things are going to play out. 

So listen here life, I'm not having you walk all over me like you do. You might scare me with your lack of relevant opportunities where I want to move to and your lack of cooperation on the romance front but I'm not going to let you get me down. 

I'm making a plan of attack. I'm spending some me time getting my ducks in a row because next year I'm going to kick ass! 

I've done an alright job this year despite the challenges you threw my way so I'm going to do a little celebratory dance as a pat on the back. Well done me.

The pain you made me feel allows me to take pleasure and appreciate the small wins. The uncertainty and longing for what was, makes me value what I have so much more. I'm clearer on what I'm worth and what I deserve. 

You might think that it was all down to you that I am like this now, and to a certain extent that's true but you weren't the one who forced themselves out of bed each day when all you wanted was to disappear, you weren't the one who put in the hours of research and reading to further improve your skills and knowledge, you weren't the one who had the strength to ignore your heart and listen to your head. 

So this is how it's going to work, you're going to do your thing and I'm going to do mine. You'll test me and I'll overcome them because ... 

I AM AWESOME! 

Tick Tock

It's been highlighted to me more than once in the last 6 months that I'm expect a lot from myself and I guess I do put a bit of pressure on myself to be better, looker sexier or be funnier or smarter now I'm single. 

But then I think, well hang on a minute, you should be a bit hard on yourself because you've got a lot to prove. It's that old comparison of where I am versus where I think I should be rearing it's ugly head again.

I live in shared accommodation, I barely have any savings, my relationship status is currently sitting between nun and no hope, and yes I may adore my housemates and have wonderful friends but London makes me feel isolated, stressed, claustrophobic and like I'm under performing.

It took me over 2 hours to visit a friend on the other side of the city. I could almost make it to my grandparents house in Norfolk in that same time frame. 

I've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and when he and I split I wasn't sure if by making the move I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. But now that I've recovered from everything and my heart is healing finally, it feels like the right decision... for me. 

I woke up yesterday to a WhatsApp message from a fellow Arian:

"You are definitely not a follower, Aries. Then again, while you are certainly capable of being a leader, you often choose to go off in your own direction. Right now the stars are encouraging you to blaze a trail to something exciting and new. There is a path you have been longing to take, and the time is right for taking it. Even if it happens rather offbeat, and even if those in your inner circle don't approve of it, you must do what you must do. Your bold ventures will result in success."

What more do I need to say? 

Mars Versus Venus

I have been struggling since my return from holiday.

I've felt quite lost and unsettled. It's affected my sleep pattern, my appetite, my productivity at work, the effort I put in with my friends...To top it off, last Saturday my ex got in contact with me again after 3 months silence.

I think with everything that's happened, all the emotions I've been feeling with the pregnancy and my family, I just kind of clung to the possibilities of it's meaning.

Honestly, after the initial annoyance of hearing from him again I was fantasising about us getting back together. I don't know why I do it to myself. 

Of course that's not how it all worked out, come on, I don't get happy endings! (Can you tell I'm feeling a little bitter as I write this post?)

I'm not angry at him anymore. I was for a little while after he left the country and went quiet but in hindsight I'm actually angry at myself for failing to read in between the lines, for failing to take what was said at face value.

They say that women should take men for the simple creatures that they are, that what men say is what they mean, and yet when he said:
'I care deeply for you and find what we have easy and natural'
I heard:
'Why am I questioning us? This is obviously the right relationship for me I'm just a bit scared to admit that right now'.

Oh yeah I'm putting it all out there in this post because hopefully it will teach me to stop being such a frigging idiot!

I'm very clear now that we're done. I'm hoping, with this realisation after 15 months of our relationship ending, that the stupid thoughts and fantasies that have haunted me will now fade away into oblivion.

I have loved this man with every fibre of my being, believed whole-heartedly that what we have/had was so special it was worth fighting for and trust me, I have fought to exhaustion.

Ironic that John Legend sang Ordinary People on X-Factor tonight because that's all I want to recite to him but...

After everything each of us have gone through, if he does not feel like it's worth it despite admitting that he could see us together - then I guess I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat.

This isn't letting go, this is definitely giving up... and f*** me it hurts like crazy. 

Keeping momentum

Three weeks ago I was chilling in the sunshine enjoying an amazing weekend away in Devon. Since then I've mentally made the decision that I'm moving there, or at least towards the South West.

I've been threatening to leave London for too long now, it's time to put together an action plan.

I discussed it briefly with my coach and I think he assumed I'd not put much thought into it, that I was simply riding the waves of my holiday euphoria, and he's partly right.

Moving away will not solve the issues I have, running away never does but as you all probably know by now I do not want to live in London for the rest of my life.

Someone at work has the same idea. She's moving to Gloucester because she's:

• Single
• 38
• Moved to London to make a lot of money and therefore to save a lot of money but living in London is not cheap and so hasn't saved
• Feels lonely in London
• Enjoys the lifestyle she enjoys when visiting 

I can see her reasons for moving, mine are similar. Yes I have friends here, heck my family are all here, but I just don't enjoy the hustle.

The traffic stresses me out, the number of people, the fact I can't walk to 2 metres down the road without smoke being blown in my face, I can't sleep without being woken by some truck/drunken idiot/ambulance or police car racing passed my window. Rent is so expensive, as is travel - if you're not working all hours to justify a pay rise so you can afford to live, you're working 2 jobs to afford to live.

Don't get me wrong, there's SO much London can offer but you need to be in the right place for it, otherwise it's overwhelming. I'll miss the lights along Embankment at night, having access to so many shows, the variety of music, markets and food. But I've lived here for the majority of my life and yet I yearn for something quieter.

So the saving starts here.

I want to have enough to move and survive a couple of months on savings, though I'll put in the planning beforehand so I have a job to move to.

This is it.

I might not get that cottage I've always dreamt of straight off but at least I'm making a step in the right direction.

Time To Take It Seriously

Money has always been my biggest weakness. I'm useless with it. As soon as it hits my account, it's gone... doesn't help that I have an addiction to eBay.

I want to save but the things I want to experience cost money.

I have to make peace with the fact that I will never be in a position that I will be able to afford my own home. It's something you really need to start to save for early on, something I wish someone had made clear to me in my late teens.

So this year I've made the decision to invest in my education and life experiences. I've finally found a job that I enjoy and it marries most of my interests.

It's time!

I'm not getting any younger and time just seems to be slipping through my fingers scarily fast.

In two months the lease will be up on our flat and there will be two options: our rent will stay the same and I'll stay or I'll have to move.

As much as I want to get out of London I have finally built up the momentum where I could learn and experience a lot (professionally). I'm not sure if that means staying in my current role, although I'd need to continue REALLY shaking things up, or seek other opportunities.

I've felt myself slip into a bit of a lull recently and I wonder if that's because I've not had a proper break since Christmas. I'm second guessing myself every day. I'm at a point where I feel like I want to just escape it all for a while.

I think I need to refocus. I've got my next coaching session on Saturday morning and I feel like I should reduce the time between sessions for the next few, get back that momentum I had.

One thing I do know is that come January 2015 (eek!!) I'm going to be starting my CIPD course and that will take me one step closer to where I want to be professionally. I have to remember that I'm not superhuman and I have to be careful not to overload myself but I just want to be AWESOME!!

And on that note, here's a link to a real guide on 'How to be Awesome'. I'll be following these tips religiously for the next month to see if it makes any difference.