HASHTAG On It

So… it's been a while huh? :) 

Nothing really exciting has really happened, but I'm guessing you gathered from my last post that life was pretty busy. 

Work just seemed to get a bit manic all of a sudden, I was spending most weekends studying or attending workshops and then I went on 'holiday' with my niece for a week. 

To say the last 3 months have been a whirlwind in an understatement. 

My diary has become my lifesaver because I'm seriously at the point where I have to schedule time in with myself - yes, it's THAT crazy. 

Apart from days where I've been too exhausted to eat, it's not all been bad. 

I've met some incredibly wonderful people, learnt some really cool things, read some insightful books, been to some awesome places; laughed, cried, danced and suffered horrendous hangovers. And if the weather had been good for the duration, it would have bordered on perfect :) 

I still have a way to go till I'm where I want to be, but I can honestly say that I'm on my way. 

I've taken a little time off from studying but it's time to get back on it, or at least doing some active application. Which reminds me… I need to review my coaching action points and actually do some of them. 

Too much fun makes Amy a procrastinator! 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Brand New Start, Same Old Nonsense

I've moved - YAY! The last weekend of November 2013 was a hectic weekend of lugging boxes and personal affects, cleaning and furniture window shopping. I am still truly exhausted.

There were no tears but I did feel melancholy. I mean this is my life for the next year at least, and if I'm honest - I still hoped, you know? So I've got a new routine to get used to, new people to learn about and a new future to carve…

The countdown to the end of 2013 has begun. I'm making a note of 12 things I want to achieve/experience in 2014, one for each month of the year. So instead of New Years Resolutions, which I'll break within two weeks, I'm treating myself to 12 awesome activities.

I'm planning to have fun and let loose in 2014 - start really enjoying my life.

Friday night I was supposed to go out for a drink... with a boy. I was fretting about this because deep down I know I'm not over him but, as my friends have been saying, I've got to start somewhere.

Anyway, I was kind of excited. I'd spoken to this fella a couple of times during the week and he seemed really NORMAL and nice, why shouldn't I be excited? We were going to meet after work for a drink in London Bridge, as it's half way between our respective homes, but he bailed on me last minute; something to do with work. He suggested we meet on Sunday instead, 'I'll make it up to you' he said.

Now, I had a busy day Saturday.

I walked into Camden (I can do that from my new place) with my housemate Mel, we wandered around the market for a bit before she had to head back and I had rush around to buy some running gear. I had arranged to meet my old housemate/landlord that afternoon for a catch-up and to return my keys, then I was due to head down to Brixton for drinks with a colleague and friend.

I got in really late, swaying and glad I'd made the effort. Laziness would have had me staying in alone instead of socialising with new fun and friendly people, but I won this battle. So yesterday morning was a struggle.

Row, one of my other housemates, and I went to a vintage fair, enjoyed tea and cake, and then did a spot of shopping in Hampstead. I'd exchanged a couple of messages with this matey-boy but there was no mention of meeting up. It was his suggestion and he didn't even bring it up.

I just can't be bothered with that nonsense. I'm not looking for anything serious so I'm not fussed by it, just can't stand people wasting my time. So I stayed in and cooked a chicken curry for me and Row to enjoy. We stuffed our faces (she also bought naan bread and poppadoms) whilst watching X-Factor, followed by I'm a Celebrity and then Jess came home with 2 boxes of 12 Krispy Kreme's - OMG.

I had two. No wonder I couldn't sleep last night - on a sugar HIGH.

Oh no you didn't - yes, yes I did *hangs head in shame*

It's been a drunken, emotional weekend; and I had my first EVER experience of a drunken text to the ex :/

I was swaying in the middle of an O'Neill's pub after enjoying a fun and fancy-free evening at my cousin's 18th; my state sponsored by Captain Morgan's and coke. I don't know why but I just suddenly started to miss him. I knew then and there that I needed to stop what I was drinking and head home, home for that evening being my mum's couch.

I jumped into a cab, mum in tow, stumbled out of my dress and heels and collapsed on the sofa. Even as I was writing the text, I could barely see it, I knew it was a BAD idea and yet I still ploughed through the pain of double vision and sent it.

Sleep swept me off into oblivion for a few hours but I woke up feeling physically sick at my weakness and of course, I've received no response - not that I expected one.

I got a text from a flat I really wanted to say, oh what a surprise, I didn't get it.

Then last night my housemate accused me of 'taking my eye off the ball' because I've forgotten to throw out the empty toilet roll once or twice and I don't stand around all night listening to him witter on about stuff I don't find interesting. I NEED to escape.

SO not happy right now :(

Dear body, I'm so proud

Dear body,

I'm so sorry for this weekend. I've abused you :(
BUT we had fun though didn't we?
I thoroughly enjoyed the dancing we attempted, no achieved!
You were a badass and all eyes were on you, even if they were wide with horror at the shapes you were throwing around.
Totally awesome.
However, yesterday... I'm just sorry.
I know you felt awful but I tried to help by hydrating you with plenty of water, although I suppose the 10 biscuits dunked in coffee, the Haribo sweets, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and Chedder crackers didn't really help.
I'll do better.
Tonight we shall Salsa and we'll take a nice little break from alcohol this week.
I promise to visit the gym at least twice and feed you healthy, nutritional meals.
After all, we've got a big day coming up.

Don't freak out, we've got this.
We'll do our best and we'll have a laugh, and when we get to the finish line we can say
"I did that!"
It'll be our first achievement in this new chapter for us.
Can I just say, you've done me proud.
You've shown me a strength I never knew I had.
We've come a long way over the last couple of months, I know it's been hard on you too but you've never given up :) so I thank you.

We are on our way baby!

All my love,
me
x

Don't forget to be AWESOME

A quiet period? That's what he's told people, that we're having a quiet period…

I'm not sure that I like that description. I feel like it belittles what is actually happening - that I'm having to force myself into a new mindset, one that doesn't include him and to do that I need some freaking space.

What a prick. Quiet period indeed!

Honestly the more this goes on, even when he's not doing anything particularly different to before, I feel like bitterness is taking over me. It's like that black stuff in Spiderman 3.

And then, when I feel comfortable with the fact that I'm not in touch with him, he pops up on my phone to see 'how my week's been'; projecting himself back in my life, WTF?!

And suddenly those bad feelings are right back at my door. Transference is a bitch. Transference: “the redirection of feelings and desires toward a new object.”

There's a really funny scene in Two Can Play That Game that explains what I'm talking about but I couldn't find a clip :( It is FUNNY though.

Non-stop banter with the colleagues, lots of laughter at their hangovers and a pizza for lunch has left me in a much better mood for the beginning of the weekend. So happy it's Friday. Now I'm off to share some quality time with some loved ones.

Final thought of the week: Heartache is a B***H

That morning after the night before feeling

I'm in a bizarre space at the minute. I'm not sure if I'm just in a mood or suffering from a hangover. 

To give you some context, I spent a lot of yesterday in the sun. I'm not pasty as the few days of sunshine we have had this year, I've been blessed with catching some colour but even so, it's always nice to sit out in the sun. I drank lots of water to keep well hydrated, watched some of the Lions game, a little of the women's final (tennis) and then went out to a party last night that I didn't really want to go to but was duty bound. Had an okay time but I drank a lot of cheap, horrible tasting wine to get through it.

The result was that I slept badly.

I dreamt that I was in a place surrounded by tall glass buildings, with people I know from work but also some family members, and bombs kept exploding causing shards of glass to rain all round me. I spent most of the dream trying to figure out the location of the next bomb to go off in order to run from it, dragging a friend or family member away with me.

So now I'm a bit 'meh'.

I'm currently at the boyf's parent's house in Devon and tomorrow morning shall see me up at the crack of dawn to catch a train back to London so I can go to work. I am not a morning person so you can imagine, I'm not looking forward to that AT ALL.

Maybe it is just a mood brought on by the wine, which essentially means it's a hangover. I hope it f***s off soon because it's doing my head in.