HASHTAG On It

So… it's been a while huh? :) 

Nothing really exciting has really happened, but I'm guessing you gathered from my last post that life was pretty busy. 

Work just seemed to get a bit manic all of a sudden, I was spending most weekends studying or attending workshops and then I went on 'holiday' with my niece for a week. 

To say the last 3 months have been a whirlwind in an understatement. 

My diary has become my lifesaver because I'm seriously at the point where I have to schedule time in with myself - yes, it's THAT crazy. 

Apart from days where I've been too exhausted to eat, it's not all been bad. 

I've met some incredibly wonderful people, learnt some really cool things, read some insightful books, been to some awesome places; laughed, cried, danced and suffered horrendous hangovers. And if the weather had been good for the duration, it would have bordered on perfect :) 

I still have a way to go till I'm where I want to be, but I can honestly say that I'm on my way. 

I've taken a little time off from studying but it's time to get back on it, or at least doing some active application. Which reminds me… I need to review my coaching action points and actually do some of them. 

Too much fun makes Amy a procrastinator! 

Growth Of Self: Finding The Time

I think I've been a 'victim' for far too long.

Accepting that you have the ability to create the life you have always dreamt of, can be extremely empowering. I'm literally buzzing with anticipation, excitement, at the possibilities; it's just about finding the time to fit everything in.

I'm blessed to have so many people in my life who want to spend quality time with me, and it does get a tad difficult making sure that I'm giving everyone their due attention, including myself.

I'm trying to read as much as I can, on the bus ride to and from work, just before bed, in the bath; my kindle has never seen so much action! But reading is just the start, in order to get to where I want to be I need to DO something.

I find this a lot easier to apply to things such as fitness... work on the other hand...

A review is in order because right now life is happening to me instead of me creating the life I want to live.

I hear my internal dialogue saying "let's start next week", "what if we wait until after our holiday, when we're rested?" and if I'm honest with myself, I'm listening to it when I shouldn't be because the way things are right now, it doesn't serve me well.

So here I am, Monday afternoon, looking forward to the end of the work day so I can get my fitness on, thinking - what can I do today that my future self will thank me for?

Wishing you a productive day people! 

Growth Of Self: Workout/Life Balance

I have a sweet tooth. 

I like 2 sugars in my morning coffee. I'm a big fan of Cadbury's chocolate, which I am craving a lot at the moment. I'll chow down on any kind of crumble, or work my way through half a packet of ginger nut biscuits. 

I have daily battles with my cravings for these BAD things. Sometimes I win, and sometimes… lose is too kind a word for what actually happens. 

Things is, I KNOW that sugar, and carbs but that's another blog for another time, is the reason I cannot shift my muffin top! But cutting it out completely would make me a miserable arse. 

So what can I do? 

I turned to my friend, who over the last couple of years has became a fountain of workout and nutrition knowledge. We had a deep conversation about 'realistic' programmes geared toward weight loss or body fat reduction. 

She told me about an article she'd read on a simple "30 minute a day HIIT routine", which over the course of a few weeks (plus watching what you stuff your face with, of course) could see you meet your goals but also that it's SO easy, it's proven to be less of a quick win and more of a sustainable long-term workout regime. 

Now, I have a problem with this already. 

Of course I generally have 30 minutes to dedicate to some form of exercise BUT if that exercise requires me to be in specific workout gear or using particular apparatus, then 30 minutes EVERY DAY becomes less realistic to me. 

I've got friends/family to visit, weekend courses to attend, additional study and research to undertake, dinner/drinks to be had, gigs to go to, washing, cleaning and cooking to do, as well as my 9 - 6 day job. 

I'm lazy as it is, we've established this blogs and blogs ago, and 30 minutes is nothing really in the scheme of things but doing High Intensity Interval Training EVERY DAY? I don't think so. I don't want it that much. 

And that's really the question isn't it? How much DO you want it?!

I'm all about the quick wins but in this instance I'm going to slug it out and see if 3 decent cardio workouts, one that focuses on stretching and strength, more walking (now the sun's out) and good eating does the trick. 

Let's set the deadline for June 6th. 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Two

#LazyGirlRunning

Me to a T.

So at the beginning of the year, when I made a promise to myself that this was the year that I'd run a half marathon, I knew I needed help to get there. I signed up to a 10 week programme with Laura Fountain, who IS Lazy Girl Running, and hoped that not only would I make it to more than one session but that I'd notice a difference in how I ran.

After 4 weeks of attending these weekly sessions, and forcing myself to run home from work once or twice, I went along with a few of the girls from the programme to run a 10k across Wimbledon Common and Richmond Park. Apart from the icy cold temperatures, I absolutely loved it.

A few of us at work have signed up for a 10k next weekend in Regent's Park. I'd hoped it would be a real social affair but apart from a large number of us all doing the run, nothing 'tribey' has been organised. Not that I mind; I have a goal.

I want to complete this in under 60 minutes.

My average pace is between 5.35 - 5.59 so with the right conditions I could do this in between 54-56 minutes *fingers crossed*

There was a dip in my motivation at the beginning of the month but I'm back on it. I've got some gorgeous new running tights, my New Balance trainers (all 4 pairs of them) have seen better days but still a few more miles in them yet and I've got strength. That half marathon is within reach.

I'm hoping to join a local gym so that I can get back to doing weights. I have a decent level of strength to tackle hills but my legs tire after about 11k. with a quick walking break I'm usually fine but I'd like to be able complete the HM without stopping.

Dreams, dreams, dreams :) let's just complete next weeks run first!

 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part One

Like most Monday mornings, yesterday I found it very hard to get out of bed. I got home from my mum's and went straight to my room were I was reading until late (ish as it was still before midnight) caught up in a romantic piece of chick lit.

Then one of my housemates crashed home at 2 am after a boozy date and woke me up. So I'm tired, and apparently grouchy.

After 3 weeks of feeling poorly, I'm now feeling terribly portly! All this eating and no exercise is expanding my waistline. No fault of my own for a change, it's just amazing what a difference a break away from my routine can do.

So now that I'm back to good health, I just need to retrain my body and brain into the habit of exercising and eating better; as much as sitting on the couch eating ginger-nuts and drinking tea sounds like heaven in this bipolar weather.

• First step is to eat breakfast every day. 
• Second, try to get some protein in there.
• Third, eat a sufficient lunch and dinner.  
• Forth, run home twice a week.

I packed my bag and in it I put... my running kit and I ran home last night.

I decided to take a different route to normal, one I knew put hadn't checked the distance. By the time I got to just over 4km I could feel a dirty stitch developing underneath my ribs. I tried to run through it but it made me feel like I wanted to be sick so I gave into it, I finished logging my run and walked it out.

I didn't want to give up. I knew if I hadn't got the pain I'd have been able to run the whole way. Instead of letting the negative thoughts overcome me and giving up, I started a new workout and began jogging in a new direction. The pain was gone, my legs were still feeling okay, no harm done.

When I got home, dripping with sweat and feeling a tad over heated, I'd covered a longer distance in just over my normal time - chuffed to bits. Going to try to better this on my next run home. Typical Arian competitive streak coming out.

Getting my SEXY back is just one of the tasks I'm setting myself. There's a lot more to do!

Check Me Out

I'm trying to be playful with my style - NOT by buying more clothes for a change.

I've noticed that I frequently get compliments at work about my clothing and hair styles, so I'm trying to make the most of 'what I got', my hair especially.

I'm blessed to have soft, ringlet curls, which I can blow out should I feel the urge. As much as I find straight hair easier to style, I try not to do it often as it dries my ends and means that I need more cut off when it's time for a trim.

However, 2nd day curly hair is NOT fun! You can't wear it out because it's flat and matted where you've slept on it, and putting it in a ponytail makes me look about 12. This is where Pinterest has become a lifesaver. I found some cool pins, which show step-by-step guides on cool and stylish up-dos.

They come from a blog on Loxa Beauty, but the author who has changed my life is Samantha Harris. I'm being more adventurous and completely open to being more versatile with my hair.

The gorgeous Samantha Harris  |  My 'smaller scale' attempt

Although my hair isn't the same length or texture as Samantha's, I just make slight amendments to suit my own hair type, and so far I'm happy with the outcomes.

If you have the same problems as I do with being creative with your hair, check out this lovely lady's blog posts here.


Keep 'em coming Samantha, keep 'em coming!

Tick Tock

It's been highlighted to me more than once in the last 6 months that I'm expect a lot from myself and I guess I do put a bit of pressure on myself to be better, looker sexier or be funnier or smarter now I'm single. 

But then I think, well hang on a minute, you should be a bit hard on yourself because you've got a lot to prove. It's that old comparison of where I am versus where I think I should be rearing it's ugly head again.

I live in shared accommodation, I barely have any savings, my relationship status is currently sitting between nun and no hope, and yes I may adore my housemates and have wonderful friends but London makes me feel isolated, stressed, claustrophobic and like I'm under performing.

It took me over 2 hours to visit a friend on the other side of the city. I could almost make it to my grandparents house in Norfolk in that same time frame. 

I've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and when he and I split I wasn't sure if by making the move I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. But now that I've recovered from everything and my heart is healing finally, it feels like the right decision... for me. 

I woke up yesterday to a WhatsApp message from a fellow Arian:

"You are definitely not a follower, Aries. Then again, while you are certainly capable of being a leader, you often choose to go off in your own direction. Right now the stars are encouraging you to blaze a trail to something exciting and new. There is a path you have been longing to take, and the time is right for taking it. Even if it happens rather offbeat, and even if those in your inner circle don't approve of it, you must do what you must do. Your bold ventures will result in success."

What more do I need to say? 

Keeping momentum

Three weeks ago I was chilling in the sunshine enjoying an amazing weekend away in Devon. Since then I've mentally made the decision that I'm moving there, or at least towards the South West.

I've been threatening to leave London for too long now, it's time to put together an action plan.

I discussed it briefly with my coach and I think he assumed I'd not put much thought into it, that I was simply riding the waves of my holiday euphoria, and he's partly right.

Moving away will not solve the issues I have, running away never does but as you all probably know by now I do not want to live in London for the rest of my life.

Someone at work has the same idea. She's moving to Gloucester because she's:

• Single
• 38
• Moved to London to make a lot of money and therefore to save a lot of money but living in London is not cheap and so hasn't saved
• Feels lonely in London
• Enjoys the lifestyle she enjoys when visiting 

I can see her reasons for moving, mine are similar. Yes I have friends here, heck my family are all here, but I just don't enjoy the hustle.

The traffic stresses me out, the number of people, the fact I can't walk to 2 metres down the road without smoke being blown in my face, I can't sleep without being woken by some truck/drunken idiot/ambulance or police car racing passed my window. Rent is so expensive, as is travel - if you're not working all hours to justify a pay rise so you can afford to live, you're working 2 jobs to afford to live.

Don't get me wrong, there's SO much London can offer but you need to be in the right place for it, otherwise it's overwhelming. I'll miss the lights along Embankment at night, having access to so many shows, the variety of music, markets and food. But I've lived here for the majority of my life and yet I yearn for something quieter.

So the saving starts here.

I want to have enough to move and survive a couple of months on savings, though I'll put in the planning beforehand so I have a job to move to.

This is it.

I might not get that cottage I've always dreamt of straight off but at least I'm making a step in the right direction.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

Pin-Addict

I love everything about Pinterest.

I happily waste a good few hours a week on it, pinning items I wish I had, quotes/saying I wish I had the guts to say, and places I wish I could go.

At the moment my biggest addiction is pinning decor for the home I 'hope' to buy, but will never be able to afford.

I pin anything I like. There's no real theme, except comfort.

I'm a girls girl so there's plenty of floral and colour, possibly and man's nightmare but from my experience they don't even notice unless it's pointed out to them… much like dust!

So I'm following an uber cool thread on Google + called Housetohome for inspiration and get emails from Joss & Main.

I have a good idea of how I want my living area and my kitchen. Ideally I'd love a cottage, so incorporate that into my pins. I think of coming home to sink into a comfortable sofa, surrounded by cushions, neutral and calm colours, making a cup of tea on my AGA ;)

Here are a few examples...

  

If you're more into cool prints, shower curtains and accessories, head to the American site Society6. Absolutely love the random bits you find on there.

I definitely nest. My home is my haven. It's the place I centre myself after a rough day or a hard experience. If my home is in order, life seems more bearable.

What centres you?

A Year On: Taking Control

Last night before bed I did some Ab work. I intended on getting up this morning to do them again but I chose to stay in bed and snooze.

When I'm looking at exposing my stomach to the world in less than 6 weeks, I really need to make defining them a priority but I guess I can't want it that bad if I opt to sleep over having a decent brekkie and a quick workout before my morning shower.

I had M&S cornflakes instead for breakfast, which by the way taste nothing like Kellogg's. In fact they are thicker and therefore chewier. I don't like them. I meant to pick up my smoothie from the fridge to have on the bus ride in but forgot it.

So now it's 11.12 am and I've already had my fruit snack. My stomach is crying for some food but I refuse to give in and have my crisps - I just cannot condone snacks like that before noon.

I plan to do some interval training tonight to get my sweat on and follow that up by some weights. Squats & lunges are on my mind…. as well as lunch. What's the canteen got on the menu today? Fish… might need to go to the salad bar and get some chicken or a damn burrito - I'm verging on HANGRY.

Four hours later

I stuffed my face.

Had a curried chicken stir-fry/paella-esque thing with roasted vegetables and roasted chicken. It was delicious.

Enjoyed a cup of tea, whittled my unread emails down by half and finally finished the report for my boss with a working table of contents, which I had to Google in order to get working.

I've also asked a boy out.

the decision came from a little bit of peer pressure but also, I just need to get out there. I spend most of my free time on the sofa, which isn't healthy.

I'm in my early 30's, I'm good looking, smart and funny. I'm wasted sitting at home, even if I'm there with the girls. It's time I put on my gladrags and stepped out into the world, I've got enough clothes for it after all #guilty #ebaying.

No response yet but at least I'm taking control.

And on that note, I really need to review my coaching action points....

Start From Scratch

You could move to a small town
Leave behind everything you know
Head to a place you can start again

Work as a waitress
In a cafe off the main street
Be someone new, a new life, a new name

The let downs, new expectations
Pressure, the moment you step out the door
It would be nice not to feel

Time can only do so much
Friends can only listen so long
Moving forward is the way to deal

You could drive out to the ocean
Throw pebbles out into the sea
One for every day things were fine

You could move to a small town
Because you are healing, getting stronger,
One step at a time.

21 Days to Tone and Sculpt

Gearing up to Summer, magazines and online sites are full of regimes that promise you a body worthy of walking through the busy streets of London / New York / {Insert City Name Here} in just a bikini & heels.

I have friends readying themselves for holidays abroad, big birthday events, weddings, etc and all they are talking about is 'slimming down', 'toning up' or 'detoxing', and that's pretty much ALL I'll be hearing or talking about for the next few months; until the nights begin to grow colder and we start to cover ourselves up again.

I have exactly 3 months to improve my fitness levels for Tough Mudder and though at the start of the year I was making good on this, my fitness routine has left me feeling rather stale of late; that and the boozy, take-away laden bank holiday weekends.

I'm not consistent enough and I LOVE my carbs - simple & complex. Fact is, I'm eating too much and working out (weight-training) too little.

So I'm setting myself a mini 21 day work-out experiment/challenge.

It's made up of both cardio and weight-training exercises, 6 days a week with one day off to rest. Day one starts today with some interval running and light stretching.

It's a fad regime, I'm aware of this. It's also not something that you can realistically maintain, but like I said, it's an experiment. I want to see if it actually works, and more importantly, if I can push myself to do it - EXACTLY as it states, no slacking.

Less alcohol - No crap - No more excuses!

More water - More vegetables - More effort!

After I've successfully completed this 'quick fix', I need to bump up the 'warrior' workouts at the gym from 0 to 2, and run 10k twice a week because I'll have just under 12 weeks until I have to prove myself.

AND I WILL NOT DIE ON THAT COURSE!

Do you have self-discipline?

My friend sent over a link to me this morning titled:

No Excuse! The Power of Self Discipline

So far I've only managed to listen to the first 18 minutes of it. Not because it's heavy going, it's just not something you can listen to whilst trying to think, plan or note down others things; it's something you should really pay attention to.

However, even above the hubbub of my normal working day I heard something important, something that made me stop what I was doing and listen properly. It was this quote:

"Self discipline is the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not."

Whether you LIKE it or NOT. 

Now, that's where my ears pricked up. That has made me sit at my desk and reflect on all the things that I do because I'm too lazy to put in the hard work. 

My career. So I've never known what I've wanted to do in life, but if I had put in the HARD WORK who knows where I'd be now. 

My fitness. My ex was a PT. He would talk for ages about the things he'd read or learnt, tried to show/guide me a few times, he thought I was good enough to be a Zumba instructor and so paid for me to get my certificate. Though I found it all interesting, the healthy eating, meal planning, weight lifting, responsibility... it all seemed like such HARD WORK. So, two years on, I'm at square one instead of square 50 or something. 

My finances. I've been very open about my weakness for spending. I like pretty things, what can I say? I want those gorgeous Irregular Choice shoes, I want that nice fake fur coat, I want those trainers, that tattoo, to go to that gig... etc. Saving means I miss out on those things. Saving means I'm at home because I cannot 'afford' to go for drinks AND put money away this month. Saving sounds boring. It's all just too much HARD WORK. 

18 minutes was all it took for me to start thinking perhaps taking the 'path of least resistance' isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

Watch this space people! 

Are you being S.M.A.R.T or are you just being?

I held a training session this morning about setting S.M.A.R.T goals. I had no structure to my session as I hadn't prepared for it and I was basically bluffing my way through the session, but it did get me thinking.

I don't really have any goals. Crazy right?

I suppose I have some wishy washy ones:
"I just want to be happy"
"I'd like to have children one day"
"I hope to have a house in the countryside, walk my dogs along the beach and bake truly amazing cakes for my children's birthdays"
But where are the tangible career orientated goals; the ones that show I'm striving towards greatness?

Last night I spoke to someone I love dearly and felt as though they sounded so lost. It broke my heart. For as long as I've known them, they have pushed themselves to be the best that they can be, constantly reading up on their field of interest, answering work emails late into the evening, essentially working 7 days a week because of the need to prepare for the next week ahead. I found it SO frustrating that they so rarely let themselves have a day off, let alone a weekend.

I frequently ask what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I'm nearly 31 and I rent a room in someone else's house, I live pay cheque to pay cheque, I'm always in my overdraft because I like to buy cute things I don't need, eat out at nice places, drink myself into oblivion and dance like a crazy person, enjoy going to see live bands.

I'm not a saver, I'm not a 'put this aside for the future' kind of person, which is why I'll probably work until the maximum retirement age and won't be able to afford NOT to go back to work after having children, if I can even afford to have THEM.

But I love doing those things.

The fact that I'm 'a jack of all trades and master of none' of course bothers me but with 'great power, comes great responsibility'. And I honestly cannot be bothered with it. This way it means I can go home at a reasonable hour, have my weekends to myself and not have to squeeze in my holidays when I can, well squeeze them in. In a sense, I'm free. Free of responsibility, free of pressure, free of duty.

I hope they find peace, whatever they end up doing in life. And if you happen to read this and know it's you I'm referring to:

"To Live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

Oscar Wilde 

All my love x

The onesie rut

Sitting at home watching movies with your girls is all right every once and a while but when you take stock of your month and see that it happens each and every evening and weekend… it's time to re-evaluate your social life.

The problem with January is it's a 'poor' month for me. I over spend at Christmas because it's the party season and I've seem to continued with that level of spending into the New Year. It's day 20 and I've already had to dip into my savings to save me from going too far into my overdraft.

We all know I love to spend.

In the last month alone I've had to fork out for 3 family birthday presents, lots of travel and then there's my shopping habit (2 coats, 3 pairs of shoes and some new gym kit - not apologising for the the last one though).

This has GOT TO STOP. With 11 days left of the month I'm looking at my calendar and thinking - I can hold on for a little bit longer if it means I am in a better position financially.

My hair is badly in need of a trim but with some serious deep conditioning and homemade oil treatments, my ends can survive for another 2 weeks. And now that I've recovered from my common but brutal cold, I'll fill a couple of week nights with visits to the gym, even if it's just for 30 minutes in the sauna.

My work lunches will be brought in from home EVERY DAY and I will use whatever I have in the cupboards. Dinner will be sponsored by Scandal, meaning that I shall be eating nothing but popcorn until pay day next Friday, and at the weekend I can make a point of visiting my mum's to get fed.

Bloody hell, I'm nearly 31 and I'm living like a student.

In the meantime I should probably invest in a few more onesies... I think I might have a shopping addiction.

Having trouble sleeping…

I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I lie awake for - god knows how long because I don't want to check my phone - I listen to the sounds of traffic coming from the road below me, and I wait. I've invested in an eye mask to keep the light out, I've stopped drinking caffeinated tea after 6pm and I've not had a drop of alcohol for 3 days.

Three weeks of high fat, high sugar indulgence is showing it's ugly head, and messing with mine. So I have to be careful with what I eat until my sleeping habits return to normal because not only does sleep deprivation literally mess with your mind but it seriously screws with your appetite as well.

When deprived of sleep, the body produces more ghrelin, a ”hunger hormone”, that increases your desire to eat… and eat… and eat.

Simply by getting enough sleep your body will better regulate those hunger cues all on its own, which will make it easier for you to moderate your consumption of any tasty, but pesky, leftover holiday treats that have managed to sneak their way into your office.

Moral of the story… Sleep more, snack less. Sleep more, weigh less.

Amen!

How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

ReEnergise

So in a months time I will be strutting down the streets of London Town in a skin tight Avatar costume - I promise to upload a picture (eek!)

But I spent this May Bank Holiday weekend drinking a lot of alcohol; this on top of a pretty bad diet for the last couple of months. However, in my head I can kind of turn this around in 21 days. How, you ask? How indeed! I'm freaking out over here.

What I will not do is starve myself or set out to commit to a ridiculously unrealistic exercise regime that I know I'm going to sack off after my first attempt.  

So I'm increasing the amount of healthy things I do already in an effort to not just make me look good in this outfit - and I will look Beyonce FIERCE come June 1st - but also make a long term improvement to my lifestyle.

I am hoping that because these are such simple changes I might be able to stick with them. So here's what I'm doing:

1) Drinking more water - I am terrible at this because I find water so boring, but I read that it also includes herbal teas. Sainsbury's will definitely see it's Peppermint sales go up this month.

My buff, intelligent PT of a boyfriend has also advised me that it's better to reuse glass bottles because plastic can house excess oestrogen, which apparently I retain and is the answer to why I've got a sneaky muffin top.

2) Get plenty of sleep - I love sleep and I have no problem sleeping in till late in the mornings but I tend to wake up in the night which disturbs the quality of the sleep I'm getting. How to resolve this? No liquid intake after 8pm and no TV/iPhone/iPad/Laptop an hour before bed.

3) Get those veggies in - upping the anti on the vegetable intake and reducing the simple carbs.

4) Do some friggin exercise! - I can't kick myself too much here because technically I walk to work every day, so that's 30 minutes of medium pace cardio 10 times a week but I need to incorporate a couple of high intensity cardio and resistance training sessions into my week to see further improvements.

That's all doable right? We'll see. I've been doing this for 2 days so far. Will update you on my progress next week, especially as my nan's just text me to say we're having Fish & Chips for dinner tonight! Whoops