Deepest Regret

We take it all for granted, don't we, life.

A lot of the time our priorities are anything but. We run towards money, prestige, to some extent education and away from enriching experiences, family & love.

It's a weird experience finding out that one of your parents is poorly.

I feel so bad for not reacting more. when asked if I was okay, I replied with a jovial "Yeah, fine." When in reality I was terrified. Listening to words that didn't quite make sense but felt more real than I could have ever imagined.

I really wish I reacted more emotionally, if only to show that I care - of course I do - we're just not like that.

So I stifled the fear I feel, my eyes brimming, and spoke calmly about options and side effects to treatments.

There's still hope, in fact a lot of it, this time in six months it could be like nothing had happened. But I hope that it changes things.

For a start, that we make more of an effort with each other, because one day we just might have run out of time.

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part One

Like most Monday mornings, yesterday I found it very hard to get out of bed. I got home from my mum's and went straight to my room were I was reading until late (ish as it was still before midnight) caught up in a romantic piece of chick lit.

Then one of my housemates crashed home at 2 am after a boozy date and woke me up. So I'm tired, and apparently grouchy.

After 3 weeks of feeling poorly, I'm now feeling terribly portly! All this eating and no exercise is expanding my waistline. No fault of my own for a change, it's just amazing what a difference a break away from my routine can do.

So now that I'm back to good health, I just need to retrain my body and brain into the habit of exercising and eating better; as much as sitting on the couch eating ginger-nuts and drinking tea sounds like heaven in this bipolar weather.

• First step is to eat breakfast every day. 
• Second, try to get some protein in there.
• Third, eat a sufficient lunch and dinner.  
• Forth, run home twice a week.

I packed my bag and in it I put... my running kit and I ran home last night.

I decided to take a different route to normal, one I knew put hadn't checked the distance. By the time I got to just over 4km I could feel a dirty stitch developing underneath my ribs. I tried to run through it but it made me feel like I wanted to be sick so I gave into it, I finished logging my run and walked it out.

I didn't want to give up. I knew if I hadn't got the pain I'd have been able to run the whole way. Instead of letting the negative thoughts overcome me and giving up, I started a new workout and began jogging in a new direction. The pain was gone, my legs were still feeling okay, no harm done.

When I got home, dripping with sweat and feeling a tad over heated, I'd covered a longer distance in just over my normal time - chuffed to bits. Going to try to better this on my next run home. Typical Arian competitive streak coming out.

Getting my SEXY back is just one of the tasks I'm setting myself. There's a lot more to do!

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Running myself into the ground

After a long break from the gym over the Christmas period and then being written off for 3 weeks because of the horrendous cold I was suffering from, I managed a 5km treadmill run last Tuesday morning (BEFORE work people, get me!) and attempted a 7k outdoor run Saturday just gone.

My chest burnt like hell as I tried to control my breathing without hocking up the gunk settling in my lungs, and I could really feel it in my feet and calves.

In fact, I only managed to complete 6 of my planned 7k on Saturday because my calves began to feel so tight it hurt when I rolled onto the balls of my feet because the muscles/tendons were being stretched. It was like someone was sticking hot pins in the backs of my ankles whilst I was running. And I so wanted to do the entire route, but I ended up walking the rest of the way home, and gently stretched when I got there. All I could think about was, where's the MAT specialist ex when you need him? :)

I hate running, HATE it. What I love is the feeling of accomplishment once I've managed to go for a run.

I love the challenge of bettering my time per km, or going that little bit further than last time. I'm literally in competition with myself, each time I work out.

I've recently started using an interval treadmill programme. After the first complete run, I'd clocked just over 5k but my time was 10 minutes longer than if I just went for it, so the next time I did it I upped the jog pace by 0.5 mph and upped the running pace my 1 mph. I felt more of a challenge on the run, even though it only lasted a minute, and it took me that little bit longer to recover but I felt exhilarated. Pumped, you might say.

My next scheduled run is an outdoor one in the countryside. I've planned an 8k route but if I only manage 6-7 I won't cry about it, though I will be disappointed with myself.

Ultimately, the fact I even get out of the door is an achievement :D

Let's keep on running b*tches!  

Under the weather

What does that even mean? Whatever it is, I feel it.

Maybe it's the shock of doing serious exercise or the dramatic reduction in 'crap' but my body just cannot handle it. I'm annoyed though because I had a flu jab before Christmas and suddenly I'm experiencing flu-like symptoms.

When will winter be over?! I'm done with the dark, cold, the wet and windy - unless that's the name of an awesome cocktail. In which case, I'll be seeing you in February ;)

I can see why people who vow not to touch a drop to drink throughout Jan as a New Year's Resolution fail miserably and end up rob ably drinking more in the first 2 weeks of Jan than they did all of December. It's a crappy month. It's dark, you're back at work, you're broke because of Christmas, the weather is shite, etc

But don't lose hope.

If you are on that 'Dry Jan' journey like me, and have found yourself succumbing to winter weariness, treat yo self!

Schedule in a few evenings or days in the month where you do something for you. Be it time to soak in the bath reading a trashy novel, pampering yourself with a face steam/mask (boys too), doing your nails, watching your favourite programme or films back to back.

Turn off your phone. Log off Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tinder/POF and relax. Instead of that boring piece of chicken breast for dinner, grab a steak. Do something you love but feel you never have time for. Summer will soon be around, your social calendar will fill up and you'll really have time for yourself.

Use these annoying dull days to do something for you - even if that's planted to the sofa recovering from a stupid cold like me *sniff*

Attack of the DOMS

OUCH!

Yesterday wasn't that bad. Yes my quads were aching a little bit but NOTHING like today. Walking downstairs makes me want to cry and don't get me started on how they feel after I've been seated for a while.

 

To get technical - my rectus femoris ache a lot, but both vastus lateralis… O.M.G unreal kind of pain.

And yet I love it because it's not bad pain, it's just my body's way of telling me "Hey b*tch, I'm shocked. You've shocked me!" And so it should be! I worked out like a beast on Wednesday night and I plan to continue. It's time to shake things up a bit.

I'm a cardio/classes kinda girl, so doing weighted squats - squats at ALL - deadlifts, lunges and those bloody mountain climbers, my body has no idea what has happened. But it better get used to it because this is my new workout routine.

I'm still going to run because I've got a 10K run in July to train for and I want a PB (personal best) but I want to start seeing definition of these strong muscles of mine. I want, come Summer, people to see the results of my time spent at the gym and think 'Oh yeah, you can see she works out.'

HELL YEAH I DO - Grrrrrrrr

Are you worth it?

I'm doing Dry Jan. I almost wrote 'attempting' but I know I can do this.

I was never really a big drinker before the break-up, don't get me wrong I liked a drink but since August most of my social activities have been mainly drinking based. I know it's bad to wait until the New Year to make changes but in a sense it's kind of easier; you've got a clear starting and end point.

Anyway, I digress, so it's been six days and I've not given in to having a drink, which is quite a feat considering the amount of alcohol we still have at the flat and my housemates like a cheeky wine with dinner. I've not really been tempted either.

I have lapsed on the sugar though :( I just cannot stop myself when I'm at home. I just want to eat, eat, eat. But I should give myself a little slack. I can't do everything at once because it'll be too hard and far too daunting a task, resulting in a massive binge and no doubt 500 steps in the wrong direction.

So I'm sticking with just a few goals for January:

• Try to get in at least 3 forty-five minute workouts in a week. Running, weights, walking, Zumba, an hour on the Wii - anything!
• Cut out the following from your diet - fizzy drinks, alcohol, junk/fast food
• Reduce the number of lunches you buy on the day to one a week
• Do 10 push-ups every day... and I mean EVERY DAY

Got my personal training session tomorrow with Kix Training and I'm excited. He's going to work me till I cry but if it gets me to where I want to be, I'm up for it. I've made too many excuses for too long and I know I cannot do this alone. 

It's going to take time. 

It's going to take discipline. 

It's going to take a lot of hard work. 

But it's all going to be worth it :) 

No time to excuse-ercise

I've gotten lazy.

I used to walk to and from work every day without fail through rain, sleet and proper snow. For the last 2 months I've taken a bus every day. It's been an added expense when really I could have flipping walked. Now I'm moving further away and I'll HAVE to get public transport, I'm kicking myself for not making the most of the opportunity.

I managed to get myself into a routine of hitting the treadmill and doing a little strength training 2-3 times a week AND eating healthier - as opposed to not eating at all, which was the case in September.

How is it possible to lose your fitness mojo when just yesterday it was SO strong?

So this is my vow: I WILL go to the GYM or a 20-30 minute run 3 times a week AND walk at least half of my journey into, and home from, work.

It's a start.

I don't want to fall back into the rut I found myself in earlier this year where I couldn't be arsed to do ANYTHING, except moan about how unfit and fat I thought I was. Jesus, no wonder he bloody dumped me :) - I know, poor humour.

My gym stuff is here (at work) with me today and I'm in two minds to hit the tread instead of staying behind for a couple of drinks with guys from the office and treat myself with 15 minutes in the sauna.

Then again I could do this tomorrow instead, if I'm not moving - and here we go again…

Mission Impooible (instead of possible)

Now this might not be to your taste but I have something to declare....

I have to be sneaky if I want to do a 'number 2' at work.

Please feel free to leave now if you're disgusted, I don't blame you, talking about poo has always been taboo. WHY? We all do it.

I've always been funny about going to the toilet. There was a point about ten years ago when I had to go to the doctor and get it all sucked out because I was so backed up I couldn't go without a little help.

I'd go to the toilet when I was comfortable, which meant either when I was in the house alone (I lived with my ex boyf), at my mum's - a 40 minute drive away or at my grandparent's who live 2 and a half hours drive away. Basically I did not go often enough and it was making me seriously ill.

I remember the woman who was 'clearing me out' turning to me and saying: "Lovely, you gotta go when you gotta go. This is not healthy." Since that day I make a conscious effort to go when I need to go.

Still it took me at least 6 months to be comfortable enough around my boyf to be able to go when he was in the house, which was the complete opposite to him - who is open with me about his daily bowel movements - it must be love.

Anyway back on topic, I work on the 1st floor of my office building and there are two toilets, one for the males and one for the females. On the floor below there are two sets, the floor below that (-1) one for the ladies, one for the boys and finally the basement.

Today I have been down to the basement on a secret mission twice. I'll take a laptop, a notepad but most just my phone, so if I get stopped I can pretend I just needed a quiet 5 minutes for a task when really it's so I can poo in peace and not have to worry anyone will hear me or worse... smell it!

*shudders*