The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Seven days (Day 1)

I'm having a lie in. Well, I say lie in but I have to get up at seven thirty am. My new housemate is in the shower.

I woke up about 3 times last night. I'm starting to get that 'dread' feeling in my tummy on Sunday nights but to be honest that could just be that I'm still feeling emotional from last week's events.

Showering always feels like a break from reality. I love standing beneath the shower. Water has never failed to soothe my troubles.

Breakfast equates to 2 dry pieces of toast. I can't handle it with butter at the moment, it makes me want to gag. I've decided to walk today. It's gorgeous out and if I'm going to be trapped indoors all day I might as well make the most of it now. My housemate thinks me crazy for liking to walk, but on days like today I could just keep going.

Work is work - nothing interesting happens, but I talk to him for 20 minutes about nothing in particular. It improves my mood and the rest of the afternoon passes quickly.

I leave 5 minutes early in order to actually get on a bus, I'm on my way to the gym. When I arrive I change quickly and head for the brightly lit workout area. There are no weight machines available so I'll have to reverse my planned workout and hit the treadmill first.

I'm sweating profusely, my towel is completely damp, and even though I've had to stop and walk twice, I'm determined to go the distance.

I manage 50 minutes and then do 5 sets of 10 on the Lat Pull-Down. Everything else is still busy so I call it a day and head home. Even though I've just ran/walked for 50 minutes, I still have a half hour walk home. I cut through the park (it's still light and densely populated) and make it home relaxed though aching.

Dinner is 2 trout fillets, chopped carrots, peppers and onion in a stir-fry style, with a cob of corn on the side. I flick through the channels on TV as I eat but I'm done in 15 minutes.

I'm hanging out the washing I put on when I got in as my housemate walks in the door. It's nine thirty in the evening. I'm shattered. We have a chat, I enjoy a hot shower and find myself falling asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel.

I get up to close the door, change into my PJs and wrap myself in my duvet, asleep within minutes. It's ten thirty pm.