Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Do you have self-discipline?

My friend sent over a link to me this morning titled:

No Excuse! The Power of Self Discipline

So far I've only managed to listen to the first 18 minutes of it. Not because it's heavy going, it's just not something you can listen to whilst trying to think, plan or note down others things; it's something you should really pay attention to.

However, even above the hubbub of my normal working day I heard something important, something that made me stop what I was doing and listen properly. It was this quote:

"Self discipline is the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not."

Whether you LIKE it or NOT. 

Now, that's where my ears pricked up. That has made me sit at my desk and reflect on all the things that I do because I'm too lazy to put in the hard work. 

My career. So I've never known what I've wanted to do in life, but if I had put in the HARD WORK who knows where I'd be now. 

My fitness. My ex was a PT. He would talk for ages about the things he'd read or learnt, tried to show/guide me a few times, he thought I was good enough to be a Zumba instructor and so paid for me to get my certificate. Though I found it all interesting, the healthy eating, meal planning, weight lifting, responsibility... it all seemed like such HARD WORK. So, two years on, I'm at square one instead of square 50 or something. 

My finances. I've been very open about my weakness for spending. I like pretty things, what can I say? I want those gorgeous Irregular Choice shoes, I want that nice fake fur coat, I want those trainers, that tattoo, to go to that gig... etc. Saving means I miss out on those things. Saving means I'm at home because I cannot 'afford' to go for drinks AND put money away this month. Saving sounds boring. It's all just too much HARD WORK. 

18 minutes was all it took for me to start thinking perhaps taking the 'path of least resistance' isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

Watch this space people! 

Are you worth it?

I'm doing Dry Jan. I almost wrote 'attempting' but I know I can do this.

I was never really a big drinker before the break-up, don't get me wrong I liked a drink but since August most of my social activities have been mainly drinking based. I know it's bad to wait until the New Year to make changes but in a sense it's kind of easier; you've got a clear starting and end point.

Anyway, I digress, so it's been six days and I've not given in to having a drink, which is quite a feat considering the amount of alcohol we still have at the flat and my housemates like a cheeky wine with dinner. I've not really been tempted either.

I have lapsed on the sugar though :( I just cannot stop myself when I'm at home. I just want to eat, eat, eat. But I should give myself a little slack. I can't do everything at once because it'll be too hard and far too daunting a task, resulting in a massive binge and no doubt 500 steps in the wrong direction.

So I'm sticking with just a few goals for January:

• Try to get in at least 3 forty-five minute workouts in a week. Running, weights, walking, Zumba, an hour on the Wii - anything!
• Cut out the following from your diet - fizzy drinks, alcohol, junk/fast food
• Reduce the number of lunches you buy on the day to one a week
• Do 10 push-ups every day... and I mean EVERY DAY

Got my personal training session tomorrow with Kix Training and I'm excited. He's going to work me till I cry but if it gets me to where I want to be, I'm up for it. I've made too many excuses for too long and I know I cannot do this alone. 

It's going to take time. 

It's going to take discipline. 

It's going to take a lot of hard work. 

But it's all going to be worth it :) 

Having trouble sleeping…

I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I lie awake for - god knows how long because I don't want to check my phone - I listen to the sounds of traffic coming from the road below me, and I wait. I've invested in an eye mask to keep the light out, I've stopped drinking caffeinated tea after 6pm and I've not had a drop of alcohol for 3 days.

Three weeks of high fat, high sugar indulgence is showing it's ugly head, and messing with mine. So I have to be careful with what I eat until my sleeping habits return to normal because not only does sleep deprivation literally mess with your mind but it seriously screws with your appetite as well.

When deprived of sleep, the body produces more ghrelin, a ”hunger hormone”, that increases your desire to eat… and eat… and eat.

Simply by getting enough sleep your body will better regulate those hunger cues all on its own, which will make it easier for you to moderate your consumption of any tasty, but pesky, leftover holiday treats that have managed to sneak their way into your office.

Moral of the story… Sleep more, snack less. Sleep more, weigh less.

Amen!

Down the rabbit hole I go

Of course there would be more of me scraping my knees along the gravel before I would finally pick my a** up from the bottom of the pit and start to climb towards the light…

However, I'm not sure if I have actually hit rock bottom yet. Yes, I belittle myself by begging and crying in public - not both at the same time thank goodness, perhaps I still have a little more to go down the rabbit hole before this ends? But I'm still as befuddled towards the reasonings as the day my world was turned upside down.

My sister says it's something to be proud of, the fact that I am fighting for something I believe in. I am amazed - at my capacity to make myself so vulnerable and still keep going back for more. I DO believe in this - in love! It's not the fairytale ending Disney led us to believe growing up folks.

Ever wonder why the story ends when the girl and guy gets together? Because shit gets messy! Values are questioned, wants and needs are examined, then your boyfriend decides that you are not as important to him as possible life experiences… he's not actually said this I'm presuming reasons because I cannot get straight forward answers…

So what do I do? I send him another email asking him to change his mind. You may read this and think "God, that's so pathetic", it is and I woke up this morning feeling like I sold my soul but at least I went down'n'out fighting - HARDCORE.

Anyway, I've not heard anything back which is probably a good thing. The longer he can stay away from me and I not hear from him, the better all round. The hardest part is knowing that I've made myself about as vulnerable as can be - completely exposed - and I'm effectively being rejected BUT I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix, just hopefully not as destructive as Dr Jean Grey.

I joked that I'm half tempted to just show up on his doorstep. Imagine it, he arrives home after a late session with a client, tired, and I'm sitting there, completely rain sodden, big doe eyes, ready to plead. Now in the movies this would work.

I'm not afraid to say I still love him. He was my family, my lover, my past and my future, he held my heart, soul, mind and body, he was my joker, my challenger, my best friend. And  I just cannot manage to make it through the day without thinking of him, how he's doing, if he's happy, if he has someone to talk to.

Everyday, even after a particularly hard one, I wake up with hope. I don't know why because I've only ever received negative results in this situation, but the positivity keeps bubbling to the surface briefly.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Ctrl Refresh

I can honestly say that after this last week, I've felt like running away. Just packing my shit up and leaving.

I've felt alone and confused, and even though I've not cried for 24 hours I am under no illusion that the worst has yet to come. He still needs to leave and eventually he'll find someone else. These thoughts make me physically sick.

But I am making progress.

This time last week I was just waiting, waiting for him to clarify my fate. And for the last seven days I've had to think about money, new living arrangements and the fact that my planned future no longer exists.

Do you want to know what I've been thinking the most though? That I really wish my Zumba class was still going. I could do with just shaking my hips to Latin influenced music and sweating for an hour.

Suddenly having something like this shake you to your core, gets you thinking about what you like to do and want out of life.

I love Zumba. Even if I've had a bad day and I struggled to get myself to the class by the end of the hour I'm on top of the world, strutting home with a smile on my face. I hate going to the gym because it's boring and I've never felt confident that I'm doing things right.

So I'm thinking that I might retrain, part-time, as a personal trainer. I'd work my own hours and I'd have something to really work for - myself!

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up hand in my notice tomorrow to start a new career but as I'm in a time of ambiguity, I have a blank canvas to write/draw/paint/adorn. Who or what says I have to pick up the pieces and carry on as normal? Why not use this time, opportunity, to recreate myself?

At this time I'm just thinking. I'll give myself a little time to let the dust settle. I might find that once I can see clearly again, things may have rearranged themselves.

But three things are certain - he'll be gone, I'll be living somewhere new and my heart will be broken.

Are your muscles healthy?

Should you ever find yourself with a muscle pain that is not just general soreness from a workout, before you head to a doctor or chiropractor take a look into Muscle Activation Techniques (MAT).

The boyfriend is a qualified specialist in this technique and he really helped me yesterday with my Body FAIL. Today I feel as though my body is working much better and we've made plans for a follow-up at the end of the week, giving my muscles time to recuperate because it is essentially a work out.

Before I met him, I'd never heard of MAT. I dislocated my left knee when I was 20 and never received any physio for it. Since then I've suffered from lower back pain.

Last Easter I was in so much pain from my back pain that I could barely walk. I had to take time off work and I was popping Ibuprofen like they were Nestle Smarties. The boyfriend was still studying so he convinced me to visit his friend for MAT. Even though after the session I could move easier, I wasn't truly convinced until months later I realised that I'd not had any problems with my back since.  

It works by providing a system of checks and balances using resistance, allowing trainers to evaluate and determine any muscle inhibition. It is a specific technique designed to improve muscle function, which in turn can reduce the risk of injury while also speeding up the body’s ability to recover from injury - By the way guys, I totally got that from the website. There's no way I could explain it myself that succinct. 

You should do it regularly though. Like most things with me, I remember to go back when I really need it - niggling pain in my hip or knee, or like yesterday a total body shut down - instead of going on a regular basis to prevent injuries. What can I say, I'm an idiot.

Anyway, if you're interested in learning more, please click here. If you're in pain, interested and want to find your nearest MAT practitioner, please click here.

And um, not because I'm biased but if you're in the Liverpool Street (London) area and need it, want to try it or just talk to someone about it, contact these guys - Integra

Go me!

ReEnergise

So in a months time I will be strutting down the streets of London Town in a skin tight Avatar costume - I promise to upload a picture (eek!)

But I spent this May Bank Holiday weekend drinking a lot of alcohol; this on top of a pretty bad diet for the last couple of months. However, in my head I can kind of turn this around in 21 days. How, you ask? How indeed! I'm freaking out over here.

What I will not do is starve myself or set out to commit to a ridiculously unrealistic exercise regime that I know I'm going to sack off after my first attempt.  

So I'm increasing the amount of healthy things I do already in an effort to not just make me look good in this outfit - and I will look Beyonce FIERCE come June 1st - but also make a long term improvement to my lifestyle.

I am hoping that because these are such simple changes I might be able to stick with them. So here's what I'm doing:

1) Drinking more water - I am terrible at this because I find water so boring, but I read that it also includes herbal teas. Sainsbury's will definitely see it's Peppermint sales go up this month.

My buff, intelligent PT of a boyfriend has also advised me that it's better to reuse glass bottles because plastic can house excess oestrogen, which apparently I retain and is the answer to why I've got a sneaky muffin top.

2) Get plenty of sleep - I love sleep and I have no problem sleeping in till late in the mornings but I tend to wake up in the night which disturbs the quality of the sleep I'm getting. How to resolve this? No liquid intake after 8pm and no TV/iPhone/iPad/Laptop an hour before bed.

3) Get those veggies in - upping the anti on the vegetable intake and reducing the simple carbs.

4) Do some friggin exercise! - I can't kick myself too much here because technically I walk to work every day, so that's 30 minutes of medium pace cardio 10 times a week but I need to incorporate a couple of high intensity cardio and resistance training sessions into my week to see further improvements.

That's all doable right? We'll see. I've been doing this for 2 days so far. Will update you on my progress next week, especially as my nan's just text me to say we're having Fish & Chips for dinner tonight! Whoops