Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

Hopeless Romantic

The door opens and then closes heavily a couple of seconds later.

The sound of keys dropped in a glass bowl resound and I hear her footsteps progressing towards the front room, where I'm sat watching television. But I'm now looking at the doorway, waiting.

I can tell from her stride that she's had a couple of drinks; and suddenly she there, smile on her face and cheeks a little flushed.

We catch eyes and laugh. She stumbles over to where I'm sitting and flops down on the sofa next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Are you in love?"
"I'm in love Amy."

Said at the exact same time, we giggle together. This has happened a couple of times. It's a harmless inside joke, that after a couple of drinks on a date she's in love. Rose tinted glasses working their magic on life, making it all seem so wonderful.

I envy it.

I'm having a hard time not to feel jaded towards the idea of love at the moment. I know what the real thing feels like and I guess I'm still clinging to it.

They never last though, these dates. After the second or third, the novelty has worn off. But that first date :) it even brings me a tingle of excitement and I'm not the one going on it.

#NeverGiveUpOnLove

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

Tinderlious

Oh god I'm here again and I'll tell you what, it NEVER gets easier.

In fact I think I'm pickier than when I was younger, when all I was looking for was someone tall, cute and fun. Now I'm looking for something long-term, husband material, someone I could see myself growing old with - what a tall order?!

And how do you even go about it? Long gone are the days when I have the time, money or energy to go out every night and meet someone organically. Now it's all down to these fandangled phone apps - and the fact I used fandangled just proves how out of the dating scene I am.

Tinder... actually, when I was still with my ex he had a client who was working on a BETA app that we signed up to as testers. It was under a different name back then but it's generally the same thing.

Using your location, it offers you pictures of guys and girls that you can either 'like' or 'dislike'. If you like someone and they like you, you 'match' and you have the option for communication. Great. Simple enough...

Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
It that really a penis? DISLIKE
OMG, really? Dislike

Hmm, maybe not as simple as I thought.

Am I rushing into this? No, it's nearly been 6 months; it's time to start the next stage. Can you do that if you haven't completely reached the finish line of the first? Shut up hope, shut up, we're doing this.

Ooh okay, cute. Like
Dislike
Dislike
Ha ha ha funny pictures. Like
Dislike
Dislike

Okay I'm bored now. I'll try again next month....

Metal and Dust

I'm not very good at letting go. I flirt with the idea of moving on every now and again but I've yet to give it my best shot. 

The thing is, I'm still 'in love' with what was. The future hasn't won me over just yet. 

I think I secretly like hurting myself, reliving the moments I cherished the most, the ones that give me the most pain... How f***ed up is that? 

Yesterday I cried because he didn't text me Merry Christmas... It's been five months! I should be stronger than that and yet I'm aware that a year ago today we moved into our flat. 

I got teary listening to London Grammar's version of Nightcall as I was travelling to meet a friend to do something FUN! 

I'm SO sick of this. 

If I've learnt anything it's that the more you love, the more it hurts when it ends - so just don't bother. 

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Men - Mars, Women - Venus? PAH!

It should be simple, right? I like you, you like me. BAM! An interesting ‘relationship' begins. So why is it that I’ve been battling, for months now may I point out, to define what I am/was/could be to someone?

I’ve actually gone as far as label myself to them as “FWB” potential – that’s ‘friends with benefits’ for all those innocents out there. I don’t want anything more, well... I didn’t. But that’s all changed. I actually grew to quite like the guy and the thought did cross my mind, much as I hate to admit it, that maybe just maybe, we could be something more.

It hasn’t really bothered me too much up until recently, mainly because I’ve had no idea what on earth is going on. Should the result be that we remain friends or go our separate ways, I’m not fussed, I just hate being in limbo. But my patient days are over because I officially give up giving a crap.

Now, you must think me crazy to put my business out there knowing that there’s a chance my ‘object of affection’ could read this. I’m here for two reasons; one, it gives people like me something funny/interesting/damn right crazy to read in our spare time, and two, sometimes it’s just nice to air your dirty laundry out in a public place.

Really, it’s because I’m baffled. Why, when it comes to the opposite sex, do we find it so hard to just be up-front and honest? It saves a hell of a lot of time because you’re not trying to read between the lines of every phone call, or text. A simple ‘I want you – let’s get it on’ will suffice, not to be used verbatim I might add, could result with a drink in the face.

Put me out of my misery quick and painless, like pulling off a band aid. If it’s bad news, I’ll be able to stop wasting time and move on. If it’s good news then great! Let’s party. You don’t have to pretend because that doesn’t win you any brownie points – even on the friendship table.

Please don’t take this as a jibe at men because ladies, you know we do it too. Men aren’t from Mars, and women aren’t from Venus. We’re both from Earth, so how about we stop playing games and start speaking the same language?

Stop fooling yourself

I like him. It's true, I can't help it. Arrgggh.

I've been trying so hard for it not to be true but last night I had to admit it to myself. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about it but I was a little 'toweleee' and was having a text conversation with my friend, Kay, and it just kind of... slipped out.

So now I'm out there and exposed.

Not to him, hell no. I'd die if he found out. Oh god, what if he already knows?

Friends in need

The other night I was accused of 'killing the mood' - you know who you are! - when I started talking about getting older and being alone. It is a depressing subject but I wonder if it's something we even something we need to worry about.

The only reason I even brought it up was because I happened to see and elderly man getting off the bus by himself and I was thinking about what I'd look like at 60... the answer is still damn fine!

I mean we're delaying everything nowadays. Having kids, getting married (if we decide to), blah blah blah. And relationships rarely last "forever" anymore either.

I'm DEFINITELY not looking for my next relationship to last forever and ever Amen; I'm merely looking for someone to get along with. Someone I feel is a good friend as well as an intimate partner.

I think it's funny that we approach making a new friend differently to making a new partner in crime. And a lot of the time, we just can't help it. It's an automatic reaction to treat the situation differently. Why is that? If I don't understand a friends motive I simply ask them out-right "Oi, what's that supposed to mean?".

I can be brutally honest (and apparently a little intimidating) with the closest of my friends, and they with me. I think that's why we get on so well. I don't expect them to know my behaviour through and through so it's good to be able to tell them "I vont to be alone" and know it's not going to hurt their feelings.

Anyway, the point to this note finally, let's not put pressure on the definition of relationships. If you really like someone and get on like a house on fire - just enjoy the ride, stop taking everything so seriously.

And in the words of Jerry Springer, be good to yourselves, and each other.

First Impressions

I've just been thinking. Having just completed my 'flirt test' and been speaking to Katie about getting to know new people (men)... what's the right way to go about it? Every day I speak to at least one person who is looking to meet or has met a good-looking member of the opposite sex and is questioning how to make the best impression. It's nuts that this occupies so much of our thoughts.

I remember way back when (I must have been about 12) telling a guy I went to school with that I liked him and he laughed... in my face, in the middle of the playground. I wanted to die. Extreme damage to self-esteem. And yet 2 years later he was doing everything in his power to get me to notice him. I know, I know, the power of growing breasts but still. How ridiculous is that? I wanted him, he wouldn't give me the time of day. I stopped wanting him and suddenly he knows who I am and all the things I like.

Even now, when I'm in a bar and I see someone I like, I've now got the confidence to go up to him and suggest he buys me a drink ;) but for a second, a split second, I hear the laughter again.

First impression? I'm not going to lie, it's important, but the second and third are when you can really secure the deal.

So, as long as your breath is fresh, your face isn't droopy from a large consumption of alcohol, you're hygienic in the places that really matter and you can hold a decent conversation, I'd say your first impression is home free.

Just don't use "Did it hurt?" as your opening line :/