You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Raising Your Game

Self-discovery.

It sounds very wishy washy, doesn't it, and a lot of people believe that it is wasted time. Why spend time looking inwards? It means you're missing what's going on around you! And that's partly true. I suppose it very much depends on what you 'intend' to get out of your self discovery.

For me it started with finding myself again. When my last relationship ended I had 1,000,001 questions.

What had I done wrong?
What could I have done better?
Why wasn't I enough?
What will I do now?

And I felt very sorry for myself. I was obviously in need of improvement so I turned to the Internet and books.

How could I become a better person so that the person I loved wouldn't leave me? 

Now, you might read that and think I'm pathetic. I read that and think it's pathetic, but I don't think I am, well not any more at least. This journey I am on started with the right goal in mind but I was picturing the wrong person. The person that I didn't want to leave me was a guy, but over time, that person became me. And by better, I meant stronger. 

Have you ever found that when you're in a relationship, the things that used to be really important to you or that interested you and took up your time, they seem to just not be important any more? You don't see those friends, don't listen to that band, don't watch that show, don't play that sport or go to that gym class?

Your partner hasn't forced you to stop them, they just kind of fizzled out of your life. And regardless of whether your relationship ends or not, you just wake up one day and ask yourself "What did I used to do? What was I interested in?!"

Reconnecting with that you, that's self-discovery. Trying something new and finding out you're good at it or you hate it, that's self-discovery. Even being affected or NOT affected by something or someone after time has passed, that's self-discovery, because you're learning something about yourself.

Two and a half years ago I discovered that I liked training people.
A year and a half ago I accepted that I was quite good at it.
A year ago I decided that I wanted to get better at communicating so that I would be better at my job and that the people I trained would get more from the sessions I delivered.
Six months ago I pushed myself a little harder and discovered the power I held over my circumstances.
Three months ago I took a resourceful step towards the future I want.

The more I learn about myself and the capabilities I have and make use of the tools available to shape the world around me, the more flexible I become to meet my goals and 'be' successful.

Now that is definitely NOT wishy washy.

End Of An Era

Wow.

So the last few months have been a roller coaster and a half; emotionally, physically and professionally.

I have (literally) just finished a massive project at work that has taken over my life since March, and I am leaving my company in 2 weeks to start a new adventure in my career.

The next BIG step.

I'm sad as I write this because I have learned so much since being here; about myself as a person, a friend and a manager.

I've endured some pretty rough personal experiences since being here too and yet I am stronger than ever upon my leaving.

Really, this is a quick post just to say, watch this space... change is a'coming.

HASHTAG On It

So… it's been a while huh? :) 

Nothing really exciting has really happened, but I'm guessing you gathered from my last post that life was pretty busy. 

Work just seemed to get a bit manic all of a sudden, I was spending most weekends studying or attending workshops and then I went on 'holiday' with my niece for a week. 

To say the last 3 months have been a whirlwind in an understatement. 

My diary has become my lifesaver because I'm seriously at the point where I have to schedule time in with myself - yes, it's THAT crazy. 

Apart from days where I've been too exhausted to eat, it's not all been bad. 

I've met some incredibly wonderful people, learnt some really cool things, read some insightful books, been to some awesome places; laughed, cried, danced and suffered horrendous hangovers. And if the weather had been good for the duration, it would have bordered on perfect :) 

I still have a way to go till I'm where I want to be, but I can honestly say that I'm on my way. 

I've taken a little time off from studying but it's time to get back on it, or at least doing some active application. Which reminds me… I need to review my coaching action points and actually do some of them. 

Too much fun makes Amy a procrastinator! 

Growth Of Self: Finding The Time

I think I've been a 'victim' for far too long.

Accepting that you have the ability to create the life you have always dreamt of, can be extremely empowering. I'm literally buzzing with anticipation, excitement, at the possibilities; it's just about finding the time to fit everything in.

I'm blessed to have so many people in my life who want to spend quality time with me, and it does get a tad difficult making sure that I'm giving everyone their due attention, including myself.

I'm trying to read as much as I can, on the bus ride to and from work, just before bed, in the bath; my kindle has never seen so much action! But reading is just the start, in order to get to where I want to be I need to DO something.

I find this a lot easier to apply to things such as fitness... work on the other hand...

A review is in order because right now life is happening to me instead of me creating the life I want to live.

I hear my internal dialogue saying "let's start next week", "what if we wait until after our holiday, when we're rested?" and if I'm honest with myself, I'm listening to it when I shouldn't be because the way things are right now, it doesn't serve me well.

So here I am, Monday afternoon, looking forward to the end of the work day so I can get my fitness on, thinking - what can I do today that my future self will thank me for?

Wishing you a productive day people! 

Growth Of Self: Recognising How You Restrict Yourself

I've just finished a 10 day NLP programme, and boy have my eyes been opened.

I signed up to do this programme because I know I am my own worst enemy, so these 10 days I sat in a room with 40 other people being introduced to a variety of tools that I can utilise to recognise resourceful and unresourceful behaviour patterns and ultimately change them.

And if I became aware of anything during that time it was how much of a hold my 'restrictive' behaviours have on me.

My head hurt so bad by the end of the first day that I called in sick the next day as it had brought on a migraine. The chatter had already started, "You'll never get this", "You don't understand this because you're not capable of applying it", "When you get this wrong, everyone will know you're an idiot - whatever you do, KEEP QUIET".

My self dialogue was running wild and unfortunately I couldn't help listening. 

Honestly, the last 4 months have been a full-on journey of self-discovery, or perhaps uncovery. Lots of stuff I was 'partially aware of' has fluttered to the surface and is now staring me boldly in the face challenging me to take it on.

The question is, where to start?

One Step At A Time

First things first, I want to dedicate time to being comfortable with these new techniques.

I'm spending some time out of London this weekend and I plan to enjoy the peace and quiet in order to review what needs to be done, set priorities and plan my next steps.

The more I practise being aware of these 'restrictive' behaviours, and identifying whether they serve me well or not, the more I can make better decisions.

Oh and recognising that I'm in a good place, better than a lot of people, and being grateful for that as well as knowing that I am already making great progress.

Growth Of Self: Workout/Life Balance

I have a sweet tooth. 

I like 2 sugars in my morning coffee. I'm a big fan of Cadbury's chocolate, which I am craving a lot at the moment. I'll chow down on any kind of crumble, or work my way through half a packet of ginger nut biscuits. 

I have daily battles with my cravings for these BAD things. Sometimes I win, and sometimes… lose is too kind a word for what actually happens. 

Things is, I KNOW that sugar, and carbs but that's another blog for another time, is the reason I cannot shift my muffin top! But cutting it out completely would make me a miserable arse. 

So what can I do? 

I turned to my friend, who over the last couple of years has became a fountain of workout and nutrition knowledge. We had a deep conversation about 'realistic' programmes geared toward weight loss or body fat reduction. 

She told me about an article she'd read on a simple "30 minute a day HIIT routine", which over the course of a few weeks (plus watching what you stuff your face with, of course) could see you meet your goals but also that it's SO easy, it's proven to be less of a quick win and more of a sustainable long-term workout regime. 

Now, I have a problem with this already. 

Of course I generally have 30 minutes to dedicate to some form of exercise BUT if that exercise requires me to be in specific workout gear or using particular apparatus, then 30 minutes EVERY DAY becomes less realistic to me. 

I've got friends/family to visit, weekend courses to attend, additional study and research to undertake, dinner/drinks to be had, gigs to go to, washing, cleaning and cooking to do, as well as my 9 - 6 day job. 

I'm lazy as it is, we've established this blogs and blogs ago, and 30 minutes is nothing really in the scheme of things but doing High Intensity Interval Training EVERY DAY? I don't think so. I don't want it that much. 

And that's really the question isn't it? How much DO you want it?!

I'm all about the quick wins but in this instance I'm going to slug it out and see if 3 decent cardio workouts, one that focuses on stretching and strength, more walking (now the sun's out) and good eating does the trick. 

Let's set the deadline for June 6th. 

Growth Of Self: The Release

Last night I cried.

I cried tears that came from no where

That had no where to go

I cried for loneliness

I cried for happiness

For hope and for loss 

I let them roll down my face

Onto my pillow

I gave into my weakness 

Which fuelled their power

I cried for me, for him & for her

I cried until I had nothing else

Then a peace descended on me

And I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Nine

Don't Stop Believing

They say you should never compare yourself to others, but I feel like there's no harm in it if it feeds you a little more motivation. 

In my post, Qualification Necessity or Fancy?, I rambled on about needing a qualification to certify my knowledge... It saddens me to say that I've still not taken the leap of spearheading into my career with confidence alone. 

I enjoy what I do. 

I feel I still have a lot to learn, but I enjoy the fact that I'm good at what I can do. 

Naturally, I want to be better; so I'm going to bite the bullet and book myself on a course/workshop. If I want to progress then I need this knowledge. And by just deciding this I'm SUPER excited! 

Every year since I was about 25, I've felt anxious leading up to my birthday. I think it's because I feel I should be in a certain place in my life and if I'm not then I feel bad, but this year was different. 

I've been through some emotional bad times in the last couple of years, and every time I felt like I was back on my feet something else would knock me off balance. So I guess, with all the baggage and counselling and the lost friendships, I've finally started living for me. If it doesn't bode well for me, then I don't have time for it.  

As cliche as this sounds, life is too short; and ain't nobody living this life but me so I'm going to do what I want to do and damn well enjoy myself.  

Peace! 

Into The Darkness

From reading several articles on the matter, good visual design encourages learners to engage with e-learning content and positively affects the way in which learners absorb the key facts. 

How do I know that I am achieving this? 

Right now we're working on scripts for our training videos. We know what message we want to get across, but does that mean what we're saying is all relevant; are they real learning points?

The experts say: 

• Identify critical information and focus on that. 
• The most effective designs are clean and simple.
• Having one key element on the page will ensure learners remember it rather than getting distracted. 
• Make key elements larger or use contrasting colours.
• Design simple and intuitive navigation between sections with clear buttons and instruction so it is obvious what people have to do.
• Consistency gives the course a unified feel and pulls everything together.

It's all theory to me right now as I still do not have any completed content to work with, but the planning needs to happen now so we're ready to roll when we get it. Here's where I turn to t'internet for advice. 

There's only so much I can glean from these online resources. I want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing because ultimately I'm leading this project, I'm guiding others - the blind leading the blind, I fear. 

Tom Kuhlmann has a blog which shares 'practical tips & tricks to help you become a rapid learning pro'. Reading through it, I can't help but feel that you actually need to have a certain level of understanding of instructional design before you can really take these tips and run with them. 

I'm a novice; an enthusiastic novice but a novice nonetheless. I need a 'Dummy's Guide'; but let's see how it goes. 

"E-learning… The current adventure…

These are the voyages of AG-M.

Her continuing mission:

To explore emerging new learning trends…

To seek out new understandings; new ways to develop our species…

To boldly go where she's never gone before!" 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Three

Qualification Necessity or Fancy? 

I have a perfectionist streak. I like to know that I actually know what I'm doing before I do it. Regardless of whether I'm cooking or working, I want to feel confident that I'm doing it right. 

And that trait is often a major hindrance for me. 

For my birthday one year, my ex bought me what I thought would be a day of Zumba, and at the time I went once a week religiously and RAVED about it to everyone I could. I love to dance around, it makes me feel free and careless. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make, it turned out to be an instructors workshop. At the end of it, you had the 'ability' to be a Zumba instructor… you still had to subscribe to their network, get insurance to instruct and a licence to play music that the ZIN (Zumba instructors network) didn't provide you, but you had the essentials to teach a class. 

I loved Zumba. I was good at most of the steps. When I attended a local class for the first time, the instructor asked if I was one! But I was missing one vital thing… confidence to just do it. I felt I wasn't ready. I made excuses like "I need to be better at Salsa" or said things like "Who would want to pay someone to teach a class, when they're no better than anyone attending?". In the end, a year passed and my certificate became void. 

So I'm sitting here now thinking about what I want to do with my life; not in the big sense because I know, but I'm talking about my next step and I'm contemplating whether I should do a qualification. 

I want to design learning programmes, both face-to-face and online but something inside me, that annoying trait, is telling me that I'll never be sure that I can do it without 15 months of study and a certificate telling me I can… 

So what do I do? 

One of my best friends forward me an article about everything I'm feeling right now. It spoke about finding the courage to rise above your fear - you can find more about this here - but I'm still hesitating... problem is, the fear just feels too strong :( 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Two

#LazyGirlRunning

Me to a T.

So at the beginning of the year, when I made a promise to myself that this was the year that I'd run a half marathon, I knew I needed help to get there. I signed up to a 10 week programme with Laura Fountain, who IS Lazy Girl Running, and hoped that not only would I make it to more than one session but that I'd notice a difference in how I ran.

After 4 weeks of attending these weekly sessions, and forcing myself to run home from work once or twice, I went along with a few of the girls from the programme to run a 10k across Wimbledon Common and Richmond Park. Apart from the icy cold temperatures, I absolutely loved it.

A few of us at work have signed up for a 10k next weekend in Regent's Park. I'd hoped it would be a real social affair but apart from a large number of us all doing the run, nothing 'tribey' has been organised. Not that I mind; I have a goal.

I want to complete this in under 60 minutes.

My average pace is between 5.35 - 5.59 so with the right conditions I could do this in between 54-56 minutes *fingers crossed*

There was a dip in my motivation at the beginning of the month but I'm back on it. I've got some gorgeous new running tights, my New Balance trainers (all 4 pairs of them) have seen better days but still a few more miles in them yet and I've got strength. That half marathon is within reach.

I'm hoping to join a local gym so that I can get back to doing weights. I have a decent level of strength to tackle hills but my legs tire after about 11k. with a quick walking break I'm usually fine but I'd like to be able complete the HM without stopping.

Dreams, dreams, dreams :) let's just complete next weeks run first!

 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part One

Like most Monday mornings, yesterday I found it very hard to get out of bed. I got home from my mum's and went straight to my room were I was reading until late (ish as it was still before midnight) caught up in a romantic piece of chick lit.

Then one of my housemates crashed home at 2 am after a boozy date and woke me up. So I'm tired, and apparently grouchy.

After 3 weeks of feeling poorly, I'm now feeling terribly portly! All this eating and no exercise is expanding my waistline. No fault of my own for a change, it's just amazing what a difference a break away from my routine can do.

So now that I'm back to good health, I just need to retrain my body and brain into the habit of exercising and eating better; as much as sitting on the couch eating ginger-nuts and drinking tea sounds like heaven in this bipolar weather.

• First step is to eat breakfast every day. 
• Second, try to get some protein in there.
• Third, eat a sufficient lunch and dinner.  
• Forth, run home twice a week.

I packed my bag and in it I put... my running kit and I ran home last night.

I decided to take a different route to normal, one I knew put hadn't checked the distance. By the time I got to just over 4km I could feel a dirty stitch developing underneath my ribs. I tried to run through it but it made me feel like I wanted to be sick so I gave into it, I finished logging my run and walked it out.

I didn't want to give up. I knew if I hadn't got the pain I'd have been able to run the whole way. Instead of letting the negative thoughts overcome me and giving up, I started a new workout and began jogging in a new direction. The pain was gone, my legs were still feeling okay, no harm done.

When I got home, dripping with sweat and feeling a tad over heated, I'd covered a longer distance in just over my normal time - chuffed to bits. Going to try to better this on my next run home. Typical Arian competitive streak coming out.

Getting my SEXY back is just one of the tasks I'm setting myself. There's a lot more to do!

50 Shades Of The Same Old Ish

After work failed to pay us at the end of Jan (there was a reason but the minus sums in my account seemed to speak louder than those excuses) I started to panic about my attitude to money.

I love buying new clothes - I feel like I'm always writing about this, perhaps I am. I really enjoy being able to reinvent my look or just buying the smaller size in something I already own because I've lost a couple of pounds #WIN

Recently my purchases have been sport related because I'm doing more of it; but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm spending money when I probably shouldn't. 

So I'm adopting a new attitude; trying it on for size for a month and then review how I've done.

There are so many places I'd like to visit, experiences I'd like to have this year and I need my game face.

So far this year I've been pretty good at working towards strength but I know I can achieve more.

Enough of this 'same old same'.

I have some really amazing friends, I live in one of the most connected cities in the world, I need to start utilising my time better, get out there and explore to world... well maybe not the world but definitely the UK. 

Edinburgh for Easter is booked, a trip to the Lake District needs to happen and a visit to Bournemouth - if I want to move there I should at least go there for a day trip. 

Life is what you make of it... so I'm letting my creative juices flow! 

Secretly

"Because I need to feel loved I allow myself to be used, just so I can feel something."

Anon

Lying awake in the dark, I listen to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores. I feel like with every breath you take they get louder.

Another night of very little sleep and yet I'm just glad I'm not here alone.

You turn and slip your arm around my waist. This is what I crave the most, the warmth of you beside me but it seems to come in short supply.

What really gets me is the way you can practically ignore me all week and then be someone completely different when we're alone.

When my counsellor talks of me needing to let down my guard, these are examples of the moments I keep those walls up for because if I made myself vulnerable to you, I'd be in pieces.

Am I the reason you act so cold? Did I set us down this path, and you're just reacting to me?

Your softer snores are almost endearing, as you nuzzle my neck and pull me closer to you. Is this how you really feel? Your unconsciousness betraying you as you sleep.

I am completely confused by your presense in my life at the moment. I flit between being annoyed with you and wanting more of you. 

As the sun rises, you will stir and I'll come face to face with the other you, the one who barely meets my eye and makes me feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Can you see why I distance myself further from you?

All these secrets are silently eating away at me. I recall this was supposed to be fun but I'm definitely not having fun anymore.

Then you will call me, and all these questions will melt away until you are sleeping soundly and I'm staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores.

Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

Are You Confident?

Confidence is an essential component to create a healthy relationship with yourself and in turn that inspires and motivates others to do the same.

Confident people:

• Focus on their positive characteristics.
• Tell themselves they are perfectly imperfect.
• Cherish and honour their principles.
• Respect their own needs and wants.
• Advertise their strengths, not their weaknesses.

Be kind to yourself

Become aware that if you are unkind to yourself, you will subconsciously attract others to be unkind to you. Let go of the compulsive need for approval.

Confident people know self-belief is the main pillar of success. They have indestructible self-belief; they let go of self-defeating beliefs about what might happen in the future and know they have to change their perceptions to change their lives.

It’s all well and good me writing this but the RESULTS are in the practice. I own about 3-4 books that say the same or similar things, it’s one of the main learnings of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

I’m a great reader. I have underlined these books to the max! I agree and believe in each point.

However, I’m not so great when it comes to ACTION.

Action seems like a dirty word to me. I know I have to do something but I just never seem to 'get round to it'.

Now you could say that it can’t be that important to me, it is I promise you, but I give into the limiting beliefs that tell me I’m not good enough or I can’t do it.

I couldn’t tell you where these feelings stem from, maybe it was feedback I received whilst growing up - my school teachers, my parents, friends, boyfriends, who knows - but they exist.

The catch 22? If I practice, I could reduce the strength of these limiting beliefs… sods law.

Am I confident?

I can be, but naturally no. It takes a strong worded pep talk for me to don the confident armour and that's usuallu accompanied by a couple of glasses of wine.

New Years Resolution #1 - work on confidence. It could be the key to getting to where I should be!

Change In Perspective

Christmas is often a time for reflection on the year just passed. People start thinking about what went well, what didn't and what they want to achieve in the next year.

Last year was a lousy time for me. But this year I feel... different; more positive.

To quote my favourite song at the moment:

"I'm focused on my future, I've settled on the past"

A lot of sh*t went down in 2014. There were high times and some serious lows, but I'm still standing - taller than ever.

I am perfectly imperfect and everything that I do from hereon in will be focused on perfecting those perfect imperfections because that's what makes me ME.

Merry Christmas!

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

Having A Plan - Being Awesome

I've spent too much time letting life dictate to me how things are going to play out. 

So listen here life, I'm not having you walk all over me like you do. You might scare me with your lack of relevant opportunities where I want to move to and your lack of cooperation on the romance front but I'm not going to let you get me down. 

I'm making a plan of attack. I'm spending some me time getting my ducks in a row because next year I'm going to kick ass! 

I've done an alright job this year despite the challenges you threw my way so I'm going to do a little celebratory dance as a pat on the back. Well done me.

The pain you made me feel allows me to take pleasure and appreciate the small wins. The uncertainty and longing for what was, makes me value what I have so much more. I'm clearer on what I'm worth and what I deserve. 

You might think that it was all down to you that I am like this now, and to a certain extent that's true but you weren't the one who forced themselves out of bed each day when all you wanted was to disappear, you weren't the one who put in the hours of research and reading to further improve your skills and knowledge, you weren't the one who had the strength to ignore your heart and listen to your head. 

So this is how it's going to work, you're going to do your thing and I'm going to do mine. You'll test me and I'll overcome them because ... 

I AM AWESOME!