You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Five

When It Hurts So Bad

A broken heart mends.

Like a wound to your body, give it time and it heals. It might not work the same as it did before, sometimes it's weaker but sometimes it's a little tougher.

He is too intense. He wants everything I have and more.

I don't want to give it up.

I remember the feeling of loss that washed over me when my last relationship ended and I suddenly realised I'd invested too much of myself in him and our future together.

I want to go slow.

I want to take our time, enjoy talking on the phone, snatched evenings in-between my hectic study weekends, flirty messages. I want to learn about him, pick up on personality traits, let him teach me things about his interests and vice versa.

He wants me NOW. He wants to spend lots of time I don't have to give, meeting friends and family. He wants 'official'.

"Do not break my heart"

And then I get it.

He's pinning his hopes on me. He wants me to make it all better. I tick the right boxes, but he hasn't given it a chance to mature.

He's painted a picture and that's all he sees, but I'm interpreting things differently. I see danger. I see pain; and not mine.

I don't want to be the bad guy.

I don't like having people think negatively of me. I'd rather try to explain myself, make sure everything is out in the open and if we still can't get along then fair enough but right now I am uncomfortable.

My counsellor would tell me to try and stay in that uncomfortableness for as long as I can and not react like I usually do.

But I want to run; far and hard. I want silence. I want to rewind. I do not want this.

He wants me to save him, and all I want to do is save myself.

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere

Devotion - very short story

He smiled at me today.

Well that's not anything special. He tends to smile at me a lot nowadays; because he's happy, and if I'm honest I'm a little jealous.

I can't help but glance over at him from time to time. I don't even know I'm doing it until he glances up at me.

It all sounds so very stalkerish, but it's innocent I swear. I start off staring into space, not concentrating on anything in particular and then he's in focus. I come to, quickly averting my gaze.

But when he looks at me I get this fluttery feeling inside.

When we innocently touch, I get the strongest impulse to kiss him.

We barely talk, we have no need to, but when we do I feel like the only one in the room.

My entire body gets hot and he knows; I know he knows.

And I bet secretly he gets a kick out of it but I can't help myself.

I need this.

The thought of us together.

It's all I have. This crush. Because I missed my chance.

No Love Allowed

I live with 3 beautiful women. That's not me being nice, these girls are gorgeous.

Each of them smart, funny and cultured. Found each other by chance, and it was the best thing that could have happened for me.

What do we have in common? We're single in London.

Whether fresh out of a relationship, been single for a while, suffering from trust issues, the one thing we all agree we crave is simple love and affection.

And it's proving hard to find someone on the same page.

Using a variety of means to meet someone new, it seems there is just too much temptation for some guys to remain keen enough to move passed the first or second date. Some don't even put in the effort to make it that far.

As much as I personally crave the attention and the physical affection (not referring to sex here) I'm also very aware that my heart is still healing, despite it nearly being a year, but I don't want anyone serious. There will be no Mr. Right. I'm not ready, it's still too raw.

I just want some good company, someone to laugh with, someone to talk to. It's probably what I miss the most.

Feeding or bruising the ego

At what point should I get offended that I just cannot seem to secure a date?

I've not been on Tinder since the beginning of Jan. That date has put me off a little.

But I did match with another guy, who seemed super keen, organised a date with me then cancelled the day before - something about a funeral for his step mum's sister-in-law - and then didn't contact me for a week. When he did it was like "Hey been busy with work and extra-curricular activities. Will be available in a week. Hope I'm still in your considerations" like I'm sitting at home in my onesie, drinking wine with my housemates every night... which is totally what I'm doing.

But not only that, in the last month I've had TWO guys from my past message me out of the blue, both who are now married with children. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?

Is this what I've got to look forward to? Now that I'm wandering in to district 31 all that awaits me are guys who think I must be desperate enough to become a home wrecker? No thanks.

Someone said to me today, a guy I might add, that all my past relationships and flings have ended because the men I've liked/loved have not quite been ready to take care of a woman like me.

Well, as much as I'd love to be taken care of, I'd just really like someone nice to share my life experience with, even the mundane experiences like a bad wax - you know?

Over before it began

Whatever happened to men wooing women?

When exactly did the tables turn and the woman had to ask the man out for a date? I've heard the term "if you want something doing..." but this is a tad ridiculous.

At my age, I'm sorry to say, it's slim pickings. If they haven't got children already, they have serious baggage AND men just do not dust their shoulders off and get back on the relationship saddle in the same way that women do.

I mean, look at me; heart ripped from chest, stamped on, set alight and then promptly shoved back into my chest barely still beating, and yet I'm riding that old mare as if I never fell.

However, all my 'big and brave' talk means absolutely nothing when I'm trotting in a field full of seemingly gay horses. Obviously I'm not being literal but seriously, when did men making the first move become extinct?

I'm not looking to jump into another relationship by any means, I'm only just starting to enjoy this time on my own. I've managed to make working out into a habit, although like washing my hair I don't look forward to it because it's such an effort, I know with time I'll start seeing some great results.

It's been the same getting over him.

At first it was hard to get up every morning, hard to spend time on my own but the more time that passed, the more distance I put between myself and that event, I started to feel more content and appreciative of the things that I already had in my life which made me happy.

And now, what would make me that little bit happier is a smidgen of male attention.

What?

I'm still a hot-blooded female, last time I checked, with a cracking smile and a great personality (no that doesn't mean I'm ugly).

Such a shame that all this chit chat about men being stronger than women only applies to the physical and even then, it's all relative.

Come on boys, take a chance. 

Waiting for the phone to ring

I've never been very good at the whole dating thing. I've kind of just ended up getting into relationships with friends, or friends of friends.

They already know some or all of my 'special' qualities so I'm more comfortable around and that makes the flirting side of things A LOT easier.

My ex and I met under special circumstances. We took things into our own hands. If we hadn't I'm sure we would probably have never met. And, though it ended, we had a great time together.

So here I am, single, my heart on the mend and a recent influx of male attention. A guy has asked me out on a date, we've confirmed the day but not the time and that's the last I've heard from him.

I refuse to get in contact with him first but am I entitled to feel pissed off with the fact we've not communicated for over 5 days?

I feel like calling the whole thing off just out of principle.

Urgh, what a headache!

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Men - Mars, Women - Venus? PAH!

It should be simple, right? I like you, you like me. BAM! An interesting ‘relationship' begins. So why is it that I’ve been battling, for months now may I point out, to define what I am/was/could be to someone?

I’ve actually gone as far as label myself to them as “FWB” potential – that’s ‘friends with benefits’ for all those innocents out there. I don’t want anything more, well... I didn’t. But that’s all changed. I actually grew to quite like the guy and the thought did cross my mind, much as I hate to admit it, that maybe just maybe, we could be something more.

It hasn’t really bothered me too much up until recently, mainly because I’ve had no idea what on earth is going on. Should the result be that we remain friends or go our separate ways, I’m not fussed, I just hate being in limbo. But my patient days are over because I officially give up giving a crap.

Now, you must think me crazy to put my business out there knowing that there’s a chance my ‘object of affection’ could read this. I’m here for two reasons; one, it gives people like me something funny/interesting/damn right crazy to read in our spare time, and two, sometimes it’s just nice to air your dirty laundry out in a public place.

Really, it’s because I’m baffled. Why, when it comes to the opposite sex, do we find it so hard to just be up-front and honest? It saves a hell of a lot of time because you’re not trying to read between the lines of every phone call, or text. A simple ‘I want you – let’s get it on’ will suffice, not to be used verbatim I might add, could result with a drink in the face.

Put me out of my misery quick and painless, like pulling off a band aid. If it’s bad news, I’ll be able to stop wasting time and move on. If it’s good news then great! Let’s party. You don’t have to pretend because that doesn’t win you any brownie points – even on the friendship table.

Please don’t take this as a jibe at men because ladies, you know we do it too. Men aren’t from Mars, and women aren’t from Venus. We’re both from Earth, so how about we stop playing games and start speaking the same language?

Stop fooling yourself

I like him. It's true, I can't help it. Arrgggh.

I've been trying so hard for it not to be true but last night I had to admit it to myself. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about it but I was a little 'toweleee' and was having a text conversation with my friend, Kay, and it just kind of... slipped out.

So now I'm out there and exposed.

Not to him, hell no. I'd die if he found out. Oh god, what if he already knows?

Answering the 'Phantom Call'

I'm waiting for a telephone call. In fact, I've been waiting for it since last week. It's not terribly important but it could put my mind to rest.

Of course, it's a phone call from a boy.

I'm stuck in limbo with him at the moment. I'm not sure if we're just friends, something more, or nothing at all. Any of which I'd be perfectly happy with, I just need to know. It's the not knowing that is slowly driving me insane.

My male friends are giving me conflicting advice. Some are saying "Let him chase you, he's a hunter". Others are saying "Make him an offer he can't refuse". Obviously my female friends are telling me to forget it altogether because he's playing games.

With all this advice flying around, I'm completely bamboozled! When did being friends with a guy become so difficult?

Friends in need

The other night I was accused of 'killing the mood' - you know who you are! - when I started talking about getting older and being alone. It is a depressing subject but I wonder if it's something we even something we need to worry about.

The only reason I even brought it up was because I happened to see and elderly man getting off the bus by himself and I was thinking about what I'd look like at 60... the answer is still damn fine!

I mean we're delaying everything nowadays. Having kids, getting married (if we decide to), blah blah blah. And relationships rarely last "forever" anymore either.

I'm DEFINITELY not looking for my next relationship to last forever and ever Amen; I'm merely looking for someone to get along with. Someone I feel is a good friend as well as an intimate partner.

I think it's funny that we approach making a new friend differently to making a new partner in crime. And a lot of the time, we just can't help it. It's an automatic reaction to treat the situation differently. Why is that? If I don't understand a friends motive I simply ask them out-right "Oi, what's that supposed to mean?".

I can be brutally honest (and apparently a little intimidating) with the closest of my friends, and they with me. I think that's why we get on so well. I don't expect them to know my behaviour through and through so it's good to be able to tell them "I vont to be alone" and know it's not going to hurt their feelings.

Anyway, the point to this note finally, let's not put pressure on the definition of relationships. If you really like someone and get on like a house on fire - just enjoy the ride, stop taking everything so seriously.

And in the words of Jerry Springer, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

CRUSH

Those pesky butterflies are off again. And all because he walked up behind me. Sigh, this is starting to get a tad annoying but I still like it. I don't know why it happens but when it does I feel like a bloody school girl. My cheeks get hot, I start sweating and tingles shoot up and down my spine. Then I start to think of how soft his touch would be and how it would feel to be all up close and personal with him. The sweet smell of his aftershave and the heat of his breath as he leans forward to kiss me. God damn it! There they go again.

But this little fantasy is what gets me through the day. Breaking the dreariness of the nine to five by playing silent games with my secret crush. And we play them all day. I know what he's thinking when we lock eyes as he walks past my office and when we brush arms as we pass each other in the corridor. He tries so hard not to show it but I can tell that he wants me. One day I really want to just grab him and kiss the shit out of him. Obviously not literally shit but, ah you know what I mean! Sigh, but until that day I guess I'm just going to have to apply some stronger deodorant.

;) x