Finding That Secret Formula

And let me tell you, it's not Twiglets! (I've been eating a lot of these of late)

What with the theme of my last few posts being about me feeling down and whatnot, I've been trying to climb out of this funk and evoke some Christmas cheer.

I work on the Commercial floor at my company. The average age on this floor is probably about 25 and they have been playing Christmas songs since mid-November. I've always LOVED Christmas but this year I seem to be the resident Grinch... the songs have not helped! I've been included in their floor Secret Santa and invited to their floor party.

I have resisted the 'far-too-early' singalongs, boozy Friday night gatherings at the company bar and the Christmas jumper outings BUT they have now introduced a desk decoration competition and THAT is something I find fun!

Some have gone for a 80's retro look, i.e. brightly coloured foil lanterns and banners, some have embraced a film theme 'Narnia' with an actual Fur Coat rail and tables littered with fake snow, we've got a real tree, Santa's workshop with elves (colleagues wearing elves hats and ears)... I've gone for a minimalist but stylist look.

My office has glass walls and door so I've cut out snowflakes and icicles and decorated some of the glass. I've not finished yet. Still got a few more snowflakes to make, and I want to create a small family of polar bears (got some spare A3 paper) - anything I can do for free.

I'm not giving in and buying tinsel or anything because it's all going to be thrown away in a couple of weeks... though I've just heard there's a celebrity judge, but I love a bit of arts and crafts :)

Anyway by joining in a bit I'm feeling happier. Even though it only lasts a short while, I'm no longer all "BAH HUMBUG".

Devotion - very short story

He smiled at me today.

Well that's not anything special. He tends to smile at me a lot nowadays; because he's happy, and if I'm honest I'm a little jealous.

I can't help but glance over at him from time to time. I don't even know I'm doing it until he glances up at me.

It all sounds so very stalkerish, but it's innocent I swear. I start off staring into space, not concentrating on anything in particular and then he's in focus. I come to, quickly averting my gaze.

But when he looks at me I get this fluttery feeling inside.

When we innocently touch, I get the strongest impulse to kiss him.

We barely talk, we have no need to, but when we do I feel like the only one in the room.

My entire body gets hot and he knows; I know he knows.

And I bet secretly he gets a kick out of it but I can't help myself.

I need this.

The thought of us together.

It's all I have. This crush. Because I missed my chance.

Having trouble sleeping…

I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I lie awake for - god knows how long because I don't want to check my phone - I listen to the sounds of traffic coming from the road below me, and I wait. I've invested in an eye mask to keep the light out, I've stopped drinking caffeinated tea after 6pm and I've not had a drop of alcohol for 3 days.

Three weeks of high fat, high sugar indulgence is showing it's ugly head, and messing with mine. So I have to be careful with what I eat until my sleeping habits return to normal because not only does sleep deprivation literally mess with your mind but it seriously screws with your appetite as well.

When deprived of sleep, the body produces more ghrelin, a ”hunger hormone”, that increases your desire to eat… and eat… and eat.

Simply by getting enough sleep your body will better regulate those hunger cues all on its own, which will make it easier for you to moderate your consumption of any tasty, but pesky, leftover holiday treats that have managed to sneak their way into your office.

Moral of the story… Sleep more, snack less. Sleep more, weigh less.

Amen!

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Womb - Office - Tomb

In the last 7 months I've announced "A new start to life" at least 5 or 6 times. And every time it's had its highs and lows.

The highs are when you feel indestructible. You vow never to take any ‘shit’ from any one, ever again. You make plans upon plans so you know exactly what your next steps are; where you are going, when and why. Your days are full. So full that when you finally get home, you are completely exhausted, and just kind of collapse in a heap on your bed. Then you get up and do it all again.

The lows are when you realise that you have no time to yourself to just relax. You are starting to be forgetful and ditzy, you doubt the reasons you are doing something or going somewhere and in the end you suddenly feel as if you are right back where you started.

Since leaving Foxtons, I've not known where I'm going for the best of times. I'm just kind of milling through life, enjoying the time I have free with friends and family. All my life I've been trying to figure out what it is that I'm meant to be doing. Aiming for something because people expect you to make something of yourself.

Well, why?

I don't need, nor want, to be the next successful entrepreneur, or CEO/Marketing Director blah blah blah of any business! Yes, I want to make money so I can live comfortably. Yes, I want to be able to afford my own home at some point, and yes, I want to be able to go on nice holidays. But why am I aiming to reach a position in a company whose workload requires me to stay late, every night, encroaching into my time with the family I hope to have.

I sit at my desk today and make chit chat with the people I work with. They all seem to be really nice, genuinely friendly, but hardly any past me without complaining about being here.

I'm not saying be a bum. Please do go out to work, make that money, and enjoy yourself. I hold high regard for those who know what they want and are on the path to getting it. And I completely understand those who are still looking but are happy to work away until something sticks. Rent and bills have to be paid.

Just don't be taken for a fool.

WAITING FOR WORK

Yet another day in the office sipping coffee and surfing the net. Another day of wishing I had more money, more time at the weekends and a little less of my stomach! But I don't really help myself. I'm still spending more time doing any and everything else when I should be dedicating all of my time towards finding another job. One where I actually get to do something during the day.

BUT, my confidence and lack of experience in a specific area kinda gets in the way. So tonight people I HAVE got to fit in at least an hour on Mavis Beacon to improve my typing, and then another hour applying for positions.

What do I want to do? I have no bloody idea.

Four years ago I was carving a career in the Hospitality industry but that didn't exactly work out, and so now I'm trying to do the same in marketing. I read blogs and webpages daily to help improve my knowlegde but ultimately it all seems to go in through the eyes and out of my arse!

But you know what? As much as I complain about how 'useless' I may feel, I love to write and express myself. Which is why I'm here. I may not have to discipline to make it as a novalist but I can definitely while away the hours writing nonsense on here :)