Deepest Regret

We take it all for granted, don't we, life.

A lot of the time our priorities are anything but. We run towards money, prestige, to some extent education and away from enriching experiences, family & love.

It's a weird experience finding out that one of your parents is poorly.

I feel so bad for not reacting more. when asked if I was okay, I replied with a jovial "Yeah, fine." When in reality I was terrified. Listening to words that didn't quite make sense but felt more real than I could have ever imagined.

I really wish I reacted more emotionally, if only to show that I care - of course I do - we're just not like that.

So I stifled the fear I feel, my eyes brimming, and spoke calmly about options and side effects to treatments.

There's still hope, in fact a lot of it, this time in six months it could be like nothing had happened. But I hope that it changes things.

For a start, that we make more of an effort with each other, because one day we just might have run out of time.

Insomnia

I woke with a start at 4am yesterday morning, cold sweat dampening my vest top. 

I have no clear memory what I was dreaming about but when I came to I felt uncomfortable and unsettled. It took me a while to fall back to sleep and when I did I was easily woken by traffic or my night owl housemate walking around. 

There's nothing particular that's occupying my mind, in fact I've been in an unusually good mood all week, despite still fighting off a cold. 

I managed to run home from work on Monday when the temperature took a nose dive into arctic proportions. I'm eating much better, with prepared lunches and minimal snacking - the effort to have breakfast could be better but baby steps. I gave it my all at my running club this week and look forward to a longer run in Regent's Park this weekend.   

I have to confess though, I am restless. I can feel it. I can barely concentrate on one task, always itching to be on to the next, except the tasks that I should be doing to get ME ahead. 

It's been two weeks since my last coaching session and I haven't even confirmed my months goals. I have them writing down and made a start on them but I've not shared them. THAT to me shows me that my head's not in the game. 

So I guess, until my mind realises that 4am is NOT the best time to start processing life, I'll have to up my coffee intake during the day so I stay awake and push myself harder when running after work in an effort to exhaust and force a good nights sleep on it. 

Zzzzzz 

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.

Running myself into the ground

After a long break from the gym over the Christmas period and then being written off for 3 weeks because of the horrendous cold I was suffering from, I managed a 5km treadmill run last Tuesday morning (BEFORE work people, get me!) and attempted a 7k outdoor run Saturday just gone.

My chest burnt like hell as I tried to control my breathing without hocking up the gunk settling in my lungs, and I could really feel it in my feet and calves.

In fact, I only managed to complete 6 of my planned 7k on Saturday because my calves began to feel so tight it hurt when I rolled onto the balls of my feet because the muscles/tendons were being stretched. It was like someone was sticking hot pins in the backs of my ankles whilst I was running. And I so wanted to do the entire route, but I ended up walking the rest of the way home, and gently stretched when I got there. All I could think about was, where's the MAT specialist ex when you need him? :)

I hate running, HATE it. What I love is the feeling of accomplishment once I've managed to go for a run.

I love the challenge of bettering my time per km, or going that little bit further than last time. I'm literally in competition with myself, each time I work out.

I've recently started using an interval treadmill programme. After the first complete run, I'd clocked just over 5k but my time was 10 minutes longer than if I just went for it, so the next time I did it I upped the jog pace by 0.5 mph and upped the running pace my 1 mph. I felt more of a challenge on the run, even though it only lasted a minute, and it took me that little bit longer to recover but I felt exhilarated. Pumped, you might say.

My next scheduled run is an outdoor one in the countryside. I've planned an 8k route but if I only manage 6-7 I won't cry about it, though I will be disappointed with myself.

Ultimately, the fact I even get out of the door is an achievement :D

Let's keep on running b*tches!  

Scandal

As I've been off sick this week I've pretty much had nothing, well I've not had the energy to do anything but watch movies and catch-up on shows.

Before Christmas, a colleague told me to check out Shonda Rhime's newest hit, Scandal. I forgot about it for weeks but after 1 episode, I was hooked.

I've found myself staying up into the early hours of the morning damning Shonda for keeping me so gripped that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep.

I have smiled until my cheeks hurt, been brought to tears, frightened, angry, absolutely SHOCKED, disgusted, jealous of the lead's wardrobe with EVERY episode, fallen in love, been aroused…  My diet shall consist of nothing but popcorn and Bordeaux from hereonin.

I frickin' LOVE it - and now I've run out of episodes to watch so I must wait like normal people.

Damn you Shonda, damn you!!

Under the weather

What does that even mean? Whatever it is, I feel it.

Maybe it's the shock of doing serious exercise or the dramatic reduction in 'crap' but my body just cannot handle it. I'm annoyed though because I had a flu jab before Christmas and suddenly I'm experiencing flu-like symptoms.

When will winter be over?! I'm done with the dark, cold, the wet and windy - unless that's the name of an awesome cocktail. In which case, I'll be seeing you in February ;)

I can see why people who vow not to touch a drop to drink throughout Jan as a New Year's Resolution fail miserably and end up rob ably drinking more in the first 2 weeks of Jan than they did all of December. It's a crappy month. It's dark, you're back at work, you're broke because of Christmas, the weather is shite, etc

But don't lose hope.

If you are on that 'Dry Jan' journey like me, and have found yourself succumbing to winter weariness, treat yo self!

Schedule in a few evenings or days in the month where you do something for you. Be it time to soak in the bath reading a trashy novel, pampering yourself with a face steam/mask (boys too), doing your nails, watching your favourite programme or films back to back.

Turn off your phone. Log off Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tinder/POF and relax. Instead of that boring piece of chicken breast for dinner, grab a steak. Do something you love but feel you never have time for. Summer will soon be around, your social calendar will fill up and you'll really have time for yourself.

Use these annoying dull days to do something for you - even if that's planted to the sofa recovering from a stupid cold like me *sniff*

Having trouble sleeping…

I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I lie awake for - god knows how long because I don't want to check my phone - I listen to the sounds of traffic coming from the road below me, and I wait. I've invested in an eye mask to keep the light out, I've stopped drinking caffeinated tea after 6pm and I've not had a drop of alcohol for 3 days.

Three weeks of high fat, high sugar indulgence is showing it's ugly head, and messing with mine. So I have to be careful with what I eat until my sleeping habits return to normal because not only does sleep deprivation literally mess with your mind but it seriously screws with your appetite as well.

When deprived of sleep, the body produces more ghrelin, a ”hunger hormone”, that increases your desire to eat… and eat… and eat.

Simply by getting enough sleep your body will better regulate those hunger cues all on its own, which will make it easier for you to moderate your consumption of any tasty, but pesky, leftover holiday treats that have managed to sneak their way into your office.

Moral of the story… Sleep more, snack less. Sleep more, weigh less.

Amen!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It's out. After a week, it's out. 

They said it would settle but you know when your body is telling you something, you just bloody listen. My head was telling me it was too heavy, too exposed, and f**king uncomfortable. I slept badly and in turn found myself being grumpy and eating sugary foods to keep my energy up.

When you've managed to lose 8lbs and been able to keep it off over 2 months, you don't want to fall back into bad habits. I look good and I feel good. Sacrificing that for cool hair… er, no! So it's back to my natural tresses, although I shall be wearing it semi-straight during the week.

Rolling stone

I'm still struggling with this room search. Spareroom is leaving me ready to breakdown.

It's almost as expensive to rent a room in my ideal location, as it would be to rent a studio or 1 bed flat somewhere a bit further out. I'm now in a position where I have to question whether comfort (standard of accom) and location are worth spending upwards of 65% of my monthly salary on rent & bills. Trying gumtree for a week.

I really don't want to be in this house when Christmas rolls around. I'm tired of my own company - is that weird? I mean I like the odd day to do nothing but relax with myself, reading of having a movie day but I still feel that odd anxious feeling when I've got an entire free weekend looming on the horizon and knowing that my Sunday spent on the sofa will benefit by having others around, just makes me feel more comfortable.

Best way to get over someone...

People are pushing me to get out there and date. Let me make this clear I.AM.NOT.READY. I'm not even thinking about that yet. Yeah the colder months would be nicer if I had someone to snuggle with BUT no, no, no. It'll happen when it happens, until then I'm fine just trying to settle into my new single status; there'll be no rushing in that department. Unless Ben Cohen (Strictly Come Dancing) leaves his wife and children ;) What a dancing hottie!

One of those days

Already today most things are annoying me.

I'm too hot

My head itches (apparently it's where my scalp is exposed)

I can't sleep properly, because of all this hair, so I'm tired 

Every song that plays on my iTunes this morning is making me think of him

And, oh yeah I seem to have mislaid some of my salary this month *rolls eyes*

Luckily two things today make this all bearable:

1. I'm going to see my favourite auntie and my grandparents 
2. IT'S FRIDAY

I'm almost as excited about that last one as I would be if someone told me we'd be getting paid today!

I've also kind of found my outfit for my colleagues birthday party. I think I mentioned this before, it's a 90's themed fancy dress party and me, along with 4 others, are going as spice girls. Can you guess who I'm going to be?

Of course, Scary!

Now had this party been a month ago, I'd already have the perfect hair for it but as it happens I'm going to need to locate a wig for the occasion. I'm sorry, what? eBay, I hear you say? Uh huh - purchased for £5. Hmm, now I'm starting to see where my money is going and it's all stuff that I'll only wear on occasion... but at least I'll look bloody fantastic.

Happy Friday everybody!

Seven days (Day 6)

I wake up, exhausted. There's light shining through my curtains but it sounds like its raining. I was planning on going out for a run. I don't want to go anywhere in this weather but I have a schedule to keep. 

So he did message me after all. I read it once my eyes have adjusted to the world again. Why am I so tired? 

Even though its raining, I'm trying to think of ways I could go without getting too wet, or more to the point, without getting my new trainers and iPhone wet. 

I tidy my room as I wait for my housemate to get out of the bathroom. Once he is, I'm in and out like a shot, gym gear on and old trainers for the walk. It's not that warm out and there's a breeze that chills you to the core. 

I manage 5 miles on a random programme but I walk the last fifteen minutes and feel like a bit of a failure. I walk home, looking forward to my shower. The house is empty so I put on the radio, letting it play whilst I'm washing my hair. I put on a load of washing and paint my toenails as I wait for it to finish. 

I'm not going to make it to Camden and back in time for my wax appointment so I take the time to epilate my legs, paint my finger nails and relax. I'm not meeting him till five pm now anyway. 

I wear my new paisley dress with my blue converse (the ones I won in Bidding Wars) throwing a denim jacket over my shoulders as it's breezy out. The wax is painful and I end up with a lot less than I expected - can anyone say Hollywood?! A misunderstanding which I pay for in more ways than one. 

I'm waiting around forever because he's pushed the meeting time back half an hour and it's now that I realise I haven't eaten anything. I grab a portion of chips and walk around Brick Lane for a bit. It's getting cold so I decide to head towards the flat anyway, I still know the code to get in the building an if I need to I'll wait in the hallway for him. But as I near the block of flats he texts me that he's home.

Here we go...

We're drinking beer as he eats and already I want him. I'm sitting in the front room watching TV whilst he's in the shower. Now I need a wee. My left foot is aching, probably from all the exercise and running I'm doing now that I never did before. Shock to the body, I guess. He kindly performs some MAT on my foot and ankle, which makes a massive difference in the tightness I am feeling. Now the right needs some work :)

Turns out he's got the wrong date and the gig's in a month's time. I'm thinking I should go home but I don't, I stay because I miss him and this is an opportunity to not be alone. BUT, to get through tonight I've got to stop thinking about him as my ex and see him as my friend; we're just going out for drinks. It's hard.

Even as we're walking down the street towards a bar, I'm aware of the distance between us. We stop at traffic lights, waiting for them to change and we're literally people apart. A stranger looks at me and then him and I feel as though he knows... this is not an awkward first date, it's an awkward break-up get together.

When we get to the entrance of the bar, we're actually pretty hungry again. There's plenty of places to chose from but we end up in The Diner. It's here I let my guard slip. He lets on that he's been too busy this week to think about things - I don't say this but my mind is screaming:

I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS

Here's where we differ. Here's where I should pick up my big girl panties and move on, never to look back, but here's where the wounds of my heart start to weep because he's getting on just fine without me.

Dinner ends on a bum note but we walk back to the bar anyway. He asks me if I actually want to go in as we're waiting in the queue outside, and I'm torn between running home to cry or taking my friend's advice: Go out and have a fabulous time. It might be your last. 

We go in, have a couple of nice drinks, check out the dancefloor, have a laugh about him thinking a song was called "Niggas in France" when it was called "Better than Prince" and he puts his arm around me... it's a friendly gesture, it's a friendly gesture, it's a friendly gesture.

Drinks run low, the music isn't great, the night has come to an end.

He walks me to the nearest bus stop and waits with me for the bus to arrive. We hug goodbye. I don't want to cry, I just don't want to go. He's not the bad guy, he's just had a change of heart, which can't be helped.

I get back to an empty house again, which is fine because all I'm going to do is curl up and go to sleep. It's eleven thirty-four pm and I wish I was climbing into bed next to someone who loves me... one day I hope.

Seven days (Day 3)

I did not want to get up this morning. I slept really well. I only woke up once. I washed my hair this morning and I'm not pleased with how the back just seems to be SO darn frizzy nowadays. I'm looking forward to when I'll get the twists in and not have to worry about the knots for a while.

I walked into work again this morning. I experimented with the route but as it's such a gorgeous day I wasn't that bothered where I was going or how long it was taking me. What did bother me was the rubbing on my little toe :( my 'new' converse are a little too small for my right foot. With time they will get more comfortable but right now - ow ow ow.

I spend the morning listening to Beyonce. I play "Why don't you love me" a few times and not because I feel sad, it's actually a catchy tune. She's a sexy beast, that Be :)

Lunchtime is spent discussing man issues with a colleague and laughing at ourselves for flapping about when a wasp tries to settle on our food. The sun makes so many issues or problems you have disappear, or at least feel less impossible.

My new running shoes arrive and I feel happy that I've finally got a selection of comfy trainers to wear, either to walk to work in or tackle this running malarky. This will be the last treat I allow myself this month. I've spent too much already and it's only the 4th Sept!

I have a couple conversations about future training and set up a meeting about a new training structure. I chase a few people to do things I've asked them to do several times already and finish the last of my water - that's 2 ltrs done, plus two green teas.

I'm excited about meeting up with my girl pal later on for drinks, although I know she's going to ask a lot of questions about me and the ex-boyf.

A friend sends me an article on kindness and I feel chills. I find that I want to become a better person nowadays. I want to enjoy my life and the people who I share special moments with because those moments are far too fleeting. The article was by George Saunders.

My favourite part of it was:
Can we succeed?  Can we build a viable life for ourselves? Accomplishment is unreliable. “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard. Success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it, and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended. 
We're having a deep conversation about what this may mean to our own lives. I'm feeling very spiritual.

My afternoon is spent preparing for the couple of meetings I have booked in tomorrow, all the while I'm acutely aware that he hasn't been in touch at all since Monday afternoon. Beyonce is still playing on repeat, her sexy beats making me feel motivated to get in shape.

I race out the door at 6pm to get down to Old Street to collect the watch I ordered (yes, another purchase) and then saunter over to The Hoxton Grill. I grab a bottle of beer and settle in a nice little alcove. She arrives within minutes of me sitting down.

The evening proceeds with non-stop drinks, several bathroom breaks, a few nibbles and constant nattering. There are a few tears shed, from us both, but mainly gossiping and laughter. It's midnight by the time we stumble out the door towards the train station. We hug, I have orange lip gloss on my face when I jump on the bus home.

I walk in the door and straight up the stairs to bed. The housemate is still up and I mumble something about being drunk. Bed feels SO good.

Seven days (Day 1)

I'm having a lie in. Well, I say lie in but I have to get up at seven thirty am. My new housemate is in the shower.

I woke up about 3 times last night. I'm starting to get that 'dread' feeling in my tummy on Sunday nights but to be honest that could just be that I'm still feeling emotional from last week's events.

Showering always feels like a break from reality. I love standing beneath the shower. Water has never failed to soothe my troubles.

Breakfast equates to 2 dry pieces of toast. I can't handle it with butter at the moment, it makes me want to gag. I've decided to walk today. It's gorgeous out and if I'm going to be trapped indoors all day I might as well make the most of it now. My housemate thinks me crazy for liking to walk, but on days like today I could just keep going.

Work is work - nothing interesting happens, but I talk to him for 20 minutes about nothing in particular. It improves my mood and the rest of the afternoon passes quickly.

I leave 5 minutes early in order to actually get on a bus, I'm on my way to the gym. When I arrive I change quickly and head for the brightly lit workout area. There are no weight machines available so I'll have to reverse my planned workout and hit the treadmill first.

I'm sweating profusely, my towel is completely damp, and even though I've had to stop and walk twice, I'm determined to go the distance.

I manage 50 minutes and then do 5 sets of 10 on the Lat Pull-Down. Everything else is still busy so I call it a day and head home. Even though I've just ran/walked for 50 minutes, I still have a half hour walk home. I cut through the park (it's still light and densely populated) and make it home relaxed though aching.

Dinner is 2 trout fillets, chopped carrots, peppers and onion in a stir-fry style, with a cob of corn on the side. I flick through the channels on TV as I eat but I'm done in 15 minutes.

I'm hanging out the washing I put on when I got in as my housemate walks in the door. It's nine thirty in the evening. I'm shattered. We have a chat, I enjoy a hot shower and find myself falling asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel.

I get up to close the door, change into my PJs and wrap myself in my duvet, asleep within minutes. It's ten thirty pm.