Insomnia

I woke with a start at 4am yesterday morning, cold sweat dampening my vest top. 

I have no clear memory what I was dreaming about but when I came to I felt uncomfortable and unsettled. It took me a while to fall back to sleep and when I did I was easily woken by traffic or my night owl housemate walking around. 

There's nothing particular that's occupying my mind, in fact I've been in an unusually good mood all week, despite still fighting off a cold. 

I managed to run home from work on Monday when the temperature took a nose dive into arctic proportions. I'm eating much better, with prepared lunches and minimal snacking - the effort to have breakfast could be better but baby steps. I gave it my all at my running club this week and look forward to a longer run in Regent's Park this weekend.   

I have to confess though, I am restless. I can feel it. I can barely concentrate on one task, always itching to be on to the next, except the tasks that I should be doing to get ME ahead. 

It's been two weeks since my last coaching session and I haven't even confirmed my months goals. I have them writing down and made a start on them but I've not shared them. THAT to me shows me that my head's not in the game. 

So I guess, until my mind realises that 4am is NOT the best time to start processing life, I'll have to up my coffee intake during the day so I stay awake and push myself harder when running after work in an effort to exhaust and force a good nights sleep on it. 

Zzzzzz 

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.

Stuck in the FUNK

Do you ever feel like you're in a funny head space?

There are times, when the grey clouds cover the sky, and I feel myself tuning out of life. My mood shifts from 'general sunny disposition' to 'don't even fucking look at me as I do and will bite'.

If this mood happens to fall on a weekend you should count yourselves lucky, because I spend my time stuck to the sofa, flicking from channel to channel muttering expletives because I cannot find anything worthy to watch, stuff my face with crap and then get really annoyed at myself being I feel fat, and so restless that I could scream - NO, this is not PMS if that's what you're thinking.

If I have to go to work, I don't talk to anyone, reschedule my meetings and spend the entire day with my headphones in, sporting the best bitchy-resting-face I can be arsed to muster. These are potentially some of the most productive days in my working week because I do not put up with distractions. If I have to answer questions, I do not speak them, in fact I'm sure any form of verbal communication comes out as an actual bark.

Motivation is at an all time low, if I can even be bothered to get up it'll take a few hours for me to get in the shower and get dressed - many times I've just sat around in a towel all day. I feel lost, confused and a little upset. I start to question what I'm doing with my life, my worth, and WTF I've spent my months wages on.

BAD times.

Sometimes it only lasts for a day, maybe two.

Then I'll wake up the next day and before I've even realised, I'm in a better place. The clouds in my mind have dissipated and I can see clearly again.

I try not to let this mental rage hurricane darken my skies but sometimes, just like you need to cry for no particular reason, I just need ride it out. I'll pre-warn my friends and family so they know what they're dealing with and just get ready to face the storm.

If you find yourselves feeling the same, here's a cool blog post I found with 20 ways to pull yourself out of a funk.