How profound…

Are you actually having a profound conversation or are you talking shit?

I've just spent the better part of an evening discussing the fact that no two people take away the same meaning from any conversation. We've both been learning about the origin of communication and how we can use it more effectively and yet we've spent the last few hours confusing each other with thoughts and descriptions of feelings that, if overheard by the untrained ear, could sound… well nuts. 

That's not to say that the other member of the conversation understood where I was coming from or my intention of the sentences that seemed to escape my lips like an unexpected but not unpleasant verbal fart. She nodded and responded in all the right places so one can only assume that one was understood. 

Anyway my point is, does anyone actually pay attention to the receivers feedback (facial expressions, body language, etc) when talking/having discussions, are we all just partaking in monologues with such similar themes that it gives the impression that we are ‘conversating’ or am I just looking for meaning were there is none to be found? 

Growth Of Self: Recognising How You Restrict Yourself

I've just finished a 10 day NLP programme, and boy have my eyes been opened.

I signed up to do this programme because I know I am my own worst enemy, so these 10 days I sat in a room with 40 other people being introduced to a variety of tools that I can utilise to recognise resourceful and unresourceful behaviour patterns and ultimately change them.

And if I became aware of anything during that time it was how much of a hold my 'restrictive' behaviours have on me.

My head hurt so bad by the end of the first day that I called in sick the next day as it had brought on a migraine. The chatter had already started, "You'll never get this", "You don't understand this because you're not capable of applying it", "When you get this wrong, everyone will know you're an idiot - whatever you do, KEEP QUIET".

My self dialogue was running wild and unfortunately I couldn't help listening. 

Honestly, the last 4 months have been a full-on journey of self-discovery, or perhaps uncovery. Lots of stuff I was 'partially aware of' has fluttered to the surface and is now staring me boldly in the face challenging me to take it on.

The question is, where to start?

One Step At A Time

First things first, I want to dedicate time to being comfortable with these new techniques.

I'm spending some time out of London this weekend and I plan to enjoy the peace and quiet in order to review what needs to be done, set priorities and plan my next steps.

The more I practise being aware of these 'restrictive' behaviours, and identifying whether they serve me well or not, the more I can make better decisions.

Oh and recognising that I'm in a good place, better than a lot of people, and being grateful for that as well as knowing that I am already making great progress.

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Three

Qualification Necessity or Fancy? 

I have a perfectionist streak. I like to know that I actually know what I'm doing before I do it. Regardless of whether I'm cooking or working, I want to feel confident that I'm doing it right. 

And that trait is often a major hindrance for me. 

For my birthday one year, my ex bought me what I thought would be a day of Zumba, and at the time I went once a week religiously and RAVED about it to everyone I could. I love to dance around, it makes me feel free and careless. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make, it turned out to be an instructors workshop. At the end of it, you had the 'ability' to be a Zumba instructor… you still had to subscribe to their network, get insurance to instruct and a licence to play music that the ZIN (Zumba instructors network) didn't provide you, but you had the essentials to teach a class. 

I loved Zumba. I was good at most of the steps. When I attended a local class for the first time, the instructor asked if I was one! But I was missing one vital thing… confidence to just do it. I felt I wasn't ready. I made excuses like "I need to be better at Salsa" or said things like "Who would want to pay someone to teach a class, when they're no better than anyone attending?". In the end, a year passed and my certificate became void. 

So I'm sitting here now thinking about what I want to do with my life; not in the big sense because I know, but I'm talking about my next step and I'm contemplating whether I should do a qualification. 

I want to design learning programmes, both face-to-face and online but something inside me, that annoying trait, is telling me that I'll never be sure that I can do it without 15 months of study and a certificate telling me I can… 

So what do I do? 

One of my best friends forward me an article about everything I'm feeling right now. It spoke about finding the courage to rise above your fear - you can find more about this here - but I'm still hesitating... problem is, the fear just feels too strong :( 

Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

Change In Perspective

Christmas is often a time for reflection on the year just passed. People start thinking about what went well, what didn't and what they want to achieve in the next year.

Last year was a lousy time for me. But this year I feel... different; more positive.

To quote my favourite song at the moment:

"I'm focused on my future, I've settled on the past"

A lot of sh*t went down in 2014. There were high times and some serious lows, but I'm still standing - taller than ever.

I am perfectly imperfect and everything that I do from hereon in will be focused on perfecting those perfect imperfections because that's what makes me ME.

Merry Christmas!

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

Mothers and Daughters

I wrote to my mum.

On Sunday night I was wide awake at midnight and I just felt like I needed to stop giving the silent treatment, which wasn't working anyway, and just say how I felt.

I don't think she fully understood the depth of how much her abandonment hurt me, but I guess her response and promise to try harder is a start.

I'm still going to spend Christmas with my grandparents this year though. An apology, of sorts, doesn't wipe the slate clean; we've got a lot of work to do on our relationship. However, I'm not punishing them with my absense, merely protecting myself from further disappointment.

"You always seem so self sufficient and not needing me".

I'm a grown ass woman who has a job and a rents her own home, yes, but I still need her, especially at times like that. Who the hell takes a termination in their stride?! And if she knew me at all she should know that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was old enough to take care of my baby (not so much a baby now as he's 24) brother.

I know that families aren't perfect, and I'm not asking for a phone call every day or family roasts every Sunday, I'd just like to have to do less of the initiating contact and organising; not to be taken for granted.

Actions shall speak louder than words...

Andrea Burden Painting

Changes I've been going through

I started this post over a week ago when I was still sunning myself on holiday but for whatever reason I didn't finish. So here goes...

I thought lying by the pool on a beautiful island like Barbados would help me get over a boat load of issues I've been carrying with me but it seems the Caribbean sun just brings them to the surface.

A few months ago I met someone new. He had left the country and we'd not spoken for weeks, I felt it was time to stop kidding myself about things 'finding their way', get off my ass and start dating. So I met this guy through a friend. He was lovely. We had easy banter and after a couple of weeks chatting we decided to meet up. A few dates later I let myself stay over at his. 

Everyone's schedule gets busy but after a couple of failed attempts to meet up afterwards, the calls and messages stopped. I was so busy with work and social activities, looking forward to my holiday, I wasn't really that fussed and it dawned on me that I perhaps didn't like him as much as I thought. C'est la vie.

I noticed that my mood was swaying between exhausted and irritable. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (not that hard as we all know) but even coming home to the girls, I just wanted to head straight to my room. My body was betraying me too and I put it down to stress. There was something very wrong. 

I left it for a week before I spoke to my housemates about it. As you may know from previous posts, I've battled with depression before, and I was worried that my behaviour was displaying it's return. 

But one morning I woke up and had a thought. I didn't believe I was, I mean how could I be? I slept with him once, it lasted 2 seconds because we were so drunk and more importantly we used protection. The facts were: my period was late, my boobs were swollen and hurt, I'd lost my appetite.

I cried so hard when I saw the test result. I convinced myself that it was a mistake and went to the doctor the very next day. I fell to the floor when she confirmed it. 

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me. I venture out into the world again in an effort to move on and the FIRST person... 

18 days ago, 9th October, I had a pregnancy termination. 

Even putting that down in black and white I can't believe it. 

I did it at home, where two of my housemates took care of me. Both my mum and my sister (who is pregnant by the way) knew what I was going through but it was two people I'd know less than a year who held my hand, wiped the tears from my face and nursed me as I writhed on the sofa in agony. 

I cannot begin to explain what it's like to feel your body reject a life and release it or the emotional trauma you go through. By the next day I was back at my desk completing the last few tasks before my holiday. Yes they said it would be fine to travel. Yes I would most probably bleed for a few days more but I should be perfectly capable of enjoying my trip.

Even as we arrived on the Sunday, I knew I wasn't back to my normal health. I was still experiencing an odd cramping feeling occasionally, which made it hard to sit comfortably. But I found myself, 4 days in, sweat dripping from my head, clutching my body, screaming out because I'm in so much pain. 

The flight had aggravated my cervix, which caused it to become inflamed. I was rushed to a private clinic and put on a drip as I waited for the ambulance. I don't remember much else about that night until I come round in the labour ward, side effects of the pain-killers worn off and I'm having a scan. I'm lucky because I got to go home that night with a prescription of antibiotics.

The flight home undid some of the medication's hard work, I was sick as soon as I got off the plane but I didn't wait around to seek help. As soon as I got back to my London flat, I made a doctors appointment for that day. 

I'm feeling much better. The medication I'm on now does make me feel drowsy, I have unsettling dreams, I'm still off my food so I look a bit scrawny but like I said, I'm feeling much better. 

Why am I bearing my soul to the world? 

Because I need to get it out. 

I'm angry that the only contact my mum has made since I last saw her on the 28th September was a shit text about her greying hair this morning, to which I've not replied. 

I'm angry that I wasn't made aware of the dangers flying could have and that I didn't get antibiotics straight away. 

I'm angry that it affected my holiday and that when I was in the throes of pain, I was silently praying he'd get in contact with me. 

I'm angry that I found myself in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm sad that I feel so alone. That despite speaking to so many people about it, it never feels over. 

I'm sad that the people I love and want to be loved by keep me at arms length. 

I'm sad that I feel I need their love at all; that the love I have for myself isn't enough.

Then I'm really scared. I'm scared that it's ruined me. My chances of love, of being a mother one day.

These are the thoughts that have kept me awake at night, that cause the tears I cry when I'm alone. This is the pain, the disappointment and the shame I feel. These are the changes I've been going through. 

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice" 

Bob Marley

 

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

Everything To Live For

I have 12 sleeps until I'll be jetting off to the beauty of Barbados. I booked my flights back in May and I have been holding on to my sanity ever since.

The last 14 months have been a roller-coaster of highs and depressing lows, confusing twists and turns. I feel like I deserve to treat myself to this, kind of like a little celebratory break for surviving.

Last night I started my packing. I've separated the 'holiday' wear from the 'everyday' wear so I could be clear on what I'm still missing.

Because the last 3 weeks have been a bit of a health nightmare, I've put on just under 3 kgs and it all sits on my stomach, the one place I'd worked so hard to trim down. Sods law really but I won't let it ruin my holiday.

I woke up motivated to go to the gym this evening but as usual that dread has set in. I shall go anyway. I just need to get back into the habit of exercise. I know I'll feel better for going, and will sleep like a log tonight.

I've been training for something on and off for the last year, exercise being the substitution for my lost relationship. Sad really, and yet it's probably the best thing I could have done.

It's better than going out and getting pissed, ending up in bed with a random and okay perhaps I don't enjoy it as much I probably would the getting pissed and ending up in bed with a random, but I've learnt a lot about myself in those hours spent at the gym...

• I'm actually a decent runner when I can empty my mind
• I can achieve most things I put my mind too
• I enjoy the short lived sense of achievement
• It's a great way to spend 30-45 minutes on myself

I'm sure I can lose half of that weight gain in 2 weeks if I'm just consistent and watch what I eat (she says as she finishes a mini Terry's Orange bar). So, as I check the clock... 55 minutes left of my work day... I guess I'll see you on the flip side - or the gym's changing room. Got a beach body to regain!

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Focus on how you feel

As someone who has had body issues for as long as I can remember, it's difficult not to focus on things like 'how much you weigh' or your 'dress size'.

Growing up I was always quite active. I played Netball twice a week (practise and a game), I was on the athletics team, and would walk 5k a day (to school and back).

Once I'd done my A Levels, my life became more sedentary. Within two years I went from a UK size 10 (US 6) to a size 14 (US 10). didn't help that I was working in a pub and my routine was a late start and late finish with beer and burgers making up most of my meals. Exercise ceased to exist in my life.

However, I was completely unaware that there was anything 'wrong' with my body.

I was blissfully ignorant to the feelings of body self-consciousness until a boy I used to date as a young teenager called me 'meaty'.

Comments like that have continued to haunt me and even when people I love, including boyfriends, have tried to convince me otherwise. There's an image in my head that I'm in constant competition with. I am never satisfied.

But I've learnt that what I'm looking for is not at the end of any fad diet and the scales at the gym (because I don't own my own) are never going to make me happy.

It's going to be the way I feel in my favourite pair of jeans. The way they hug my thighs without cutting off circulation when I sit down.

It's going to be the way my t-shirts do not ride up my back when I walk and the fact that I can carry those heavy shopping bags a bit further before swapping hands.

Feeling stronger due to a healthier, active lifestyle. Looking 'better' will be an added bonus.

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.

Are you being S.M.A.R.T or are you just being?

I held a training session this morning about setting S.M.A.R.T goals. I had no structure to my session as I hadn't prepared for it and I was basically bluffing my way through the session, but it did get me thinking.

I don't really have any goals. Crazy right?

I suppose I have some wishy washy ones:
"I just want to be happy"
"I'd like to have children one day"
"I hope to have a house in the countryside, walk my dogs along the beach and bake truly amazing cakes for my children's birthdays"
But where are the tangible career orientated goals; the ones that show I'm striving towards greatness?

Last night I spoke to someone I love dearly and felt as though they sounded so lost. It broke my heart. For as long as I've known them, they have pushed themselves to be the best that they can be, constantly reading up on their field of interest, answering work emails late into the evening, essentially working 7 days a week because of the need to prepare for the next week ahead. I found it SO frustrating that they so rarely let themselves have a day off, let alone a weekend.

I frequently ask what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I'm nearly 31 and I rent a room in someone else's house, I live pay cheque to pay cheque, I'm always in my overdraft because I like to buy cute things I don't need, eat out at nice places, drink myself into oblivion and dance like a crazy person, enjoy going to see live bands.

I'm not a saver, I'm not a 'put this aside for the future' kind of person, which is why I'll probably work until the maximum retirement age and won't be able to afford NOT to go back to work after having children, if I can even afford to have THEM.

But I love doing those things.

The fact that I'm 'a jack of all trades and master of none' of course bothers me but with 'great power, comes great responsibility'. And I honestly cannot be bothered with it. This way it means I can go home at a reasonable hour, have my weekends to myself and not have to squeeze in my holidays when I can, well squeeze them in. In a sense, I'm free. Free of responsibility, free of pressure, free of duty.

I hope they find peace, whatever they end up doing in life. And if you happen to read this and know it's you I'm referring to:

"To Live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

Oscar Wilde 

All my love x

ReEnergise

So in a months time I will be strutting down the streets of London Town in a skin tight Avatar costume - I promise to upload a picture (eek!)

But I spent this May Bank Holiday weekend drinking a lot of alcohol; this on top of a pretty bad diet for the last couple of months. However, in my head I can kind of turn this around in 21 days. How, you ask? How indeed! I'm freaking out over here.

What I will not do is starve myself or set out to commit to a ridiculously unrealistic exercise regime that I know I'm going to sack off after my first attempt.  

So I'm increasing the amount of healthy things I do already in an effort to not just make me look good in this outfit - and I will look Beyonce FIERCE come June 1st - but also make a long term improvement to my lifestyle.

I am hoping that because these are such simple changes I might be able to stick with them. So here's what I'm doing:

1) Drinking more water - I am terrible at this because I find water so boring, but I read that it also includes herbal teas. Sainsbury's will definitely see it's Peppermint sales go up this month.

My buff, intelligent PT of a boyfriend has also advised me that it's better to reuse glass bottles because plastic can house excess oestrogen, which apparently I retain and is the answer to why I've got a sneaky muffin top.

2) Get plenty of sleep - I love sleep and I have no problem sleeping in till late in the mornings but I tend to wake up in the night which disturbs the quality of the sleep I'm getting. How to resolve this? No liquid intake after 8pm and no TV/iPhone/iPad/Laptop an hour before bed.

3) Get those veggies in - upping the anti on the vegetable intake and reducing the simple carbs.

4) Do some friggin exercise! - I can't kick myself too much here because technically I walk to work every day, so that's 30 minutes of medium pace cardio 10 times a week but I need to incorporate a couple of high intensity cardio and resistance training sessions into my week to see further improvements.

That's all doable right? We'll see. I've been doing this for 2 days so far. Will update you on my progress next week, especially as my nan's just text me to say we're having Fish & Chips for dinner tonight! Whoops