Losing Grip

And so she held her breath once again,
Hoping that the wave of emotion seemingly taking over her body subsided.
She opened her eyes to see flicker of day light;
It felt like she was drowning.

The world around her dipping and swaying,
Pressure pushing hard against her chest, her head swimming in a drunken haze.
She hoped that she'd escaped feeling this again,
That she had control and yet her she was, feeling weightless, helpless.

She kicked her feet hard, praying that it would push her closer to the surface.
Running out of energy to fight;
Her mind began to slip.

Her lungs burned as they fought against a lack of air.
Her senses dulled to nothing;
Slowing but surely losing grip.

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Four

One more week to go and I'll be a year older. 

So far my 30's have presented me with tough life experiences. Though I am not religious in any way I can't help but quote St Paul from Second Corinthians: 

'For when I am weak, then I am strong' 

After each event I've found myself in a strange but familiar darkness where I've experienced an acute anxiety of the future. 

Thursday is counselling day. 

An hour a week I am forced to look at WHY I do things, or think about things the way that I do, so it's no surprise that I have been drawn to topics like 'self-confidence', 'depression' and 'happiness' on TEDTalks.

Interestingly, some of the key messages I picked out fit nicely with the NLP course I'm about to embark on next weekend but also with the conversations I've been having with my counsellor.

When the final wave of my grief over my relationship ending I posted a status on Facebook by Bob Marley about being strong, and in the talk I listened to after last week's session by Andrew Solomon, those words were repeated:

"We seek our identities in the wake of our painful experiences" 

Well, hot damn, that's what I've been doing for the last 6 months... wow, it's been 6 months! How different life could be if I'd made a different decision.  

My favourite talk of them all was one by Shawn Achor 'The Happy Secret To Better Work'. Not only is Shawn an engaging speaker but he puts things into perspective.

The main thing I took away from his talk was the way he broke down the happiness formula that we all probably use:

"If I work harder I'll be successful. 

The more successful I am, the happier I'll be..."

And every time our brains register a success, we change the goal posts of what success looks like! Take this weekend for an example, I ran a 10k for the British Heart Foundation with some work colleagues and got a personal best, in fact I've never come close to getting that time before and yet I'm already scheming how I can better it rather than just being content.  

"If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there."

It's an interesting thing to consider though, no? 

What do you consider to be success and do you allow yourself to enjoy it when you get there or do you immediately move the goal posts and therefore delaying your happiness? 

Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

Make An Effort

How do you know if/when your friendships have run their course?

Does the time between communication get longer and longer?
Do your meet ups suffer from those 'awkward' silences?
Are you making excuses NOT to see them?
Avoiding phone calls or your calls never answered?

And what happens if it's family?

I'm finding that my patience is wearing thin. I know I'm being stubborn but I'm just really sick and tired of being a pushover. I've always been the one to put myself out there, make the first contact but this time, I'm digging my heels in. And unfortunately that will mean me missing out on things, on people.

It REALLY upsets me that the people I love and care for the most seem to find it so easy to forget me, but life moves on. The sun rises and sets, bills still need to be paid, work still needs to be done.

Yet I feel selfish for not making an effort to communicate, to find out how they're doing, are they okay? But as time passes and my phone remains silent, I can feel a slow anger build inside of me.

So I get up, do my thing, try to do something every day that will help me improve, and repeat. Every day I'm changing, moving further away from the person they know. I'm moving on.

IF that means without them, so be it. I deserve better, even if what I really want is them to wake up and realise what's happening before it's too late.

Sadly, I know however far I get I'll always need them - and every night I wish they felt the same.

Blast from the past

Out of the blue,

Ironic timing. 

Emotions running high, 

Left over from losing him.

It was definitely love once, 

Way back in the day.

He brings back strong memories, 

So much has changed.

Unhealed hurts tumbling out,

Pandora's box opened.

It took so much to get over,

The beast awoken.

You

Me

Her

Another life

The friend in need

One of my closest male friends, someone I hoped would be there for me when my world crashed around me, has recently found himself alone and heartbroken. He text me and said "I finally know how you felt".

And you know what?

I felt as though I had NO advice to give him.

Not because I hadn't learnt something from these past 6 months, but because nothing I say will help. EVERY day will be hard until one day you wake up and it's not so hard anymore.

I'm friends with both of them. They are both trying to cope with the loss of someone that means/meant everything to them. 

All I could say was:

It'll take time lovely. Give yourself the space to grieve what you had. 

My only advice is to keep your distance as much as possible for now. Plus, no one expects you to jump into anything just yet. 

Love is a powerful drug, it takes a while for it all to work out of your system. I'm not fully recovered yet, but I'm no longer so under Love's influence that I can't see doing what I need to do is the best thing for me right now. 

Look after you and rest will work itself out x

How much of that I actually believe, I don't know but it's how I feel. 

The week leading up to yesterday I found myself scouring the net, reading 'how to get over/let go of your ex' articles in an effort to keep hold of my sanity. I've been like 'if I can preoccupy my mind by following a couple of things they suggest, I'll not feel so helpless and unwanted'.

I came across this article - Different Hearts, Same Heartbreak - and I thought, yes this is exactly how it feels.

So I hope they read this blog and the one I've linked to. It won't lessen the pain he's feeling but it helps (a minuscule amount) with the loneliness because everyone feels the same heartbreak…

"Don't try to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted."

Ghosts of relationships' past

My emotions were pushing hard against the barriers I've put in place to keep them contained and cracks were appearing. It was getting too much for me to carry, standing tall.

My fitness has been slipping, something I'd grabbed hold of over the last few months, something I could control. I have been losing myself to it all the last couple of weeks - the stress of looking for a 'home', a place I could start again, the loss of HIM and our friendship, our love, our connection, possible future.

And then HE texts me.

When the floodgates opened I was scared that I'd relapse. Taking deep breaths seemed to make me feel like I was shrinking, my surroundings growing bigger, closing in on me. The only thing to do was to embrace it but power through whatever I was doing, not stopping to let it take over me completely.

I slept uneasy, made restless by my thoughts - what do I want?

HIM - still *sigh*

But I made the right decision… for me

The sun was shining when I woke this morning so I decided to walk part of the way into work, the crisp air pinking up my cheeks. I could feel the part of my anxiety easing with every step I took, the act of being outside in the winter sun, moving forward.

Putting aside the feelings that had haunted me all night I'm ready to tackle a new day…

My phone beeps, it's one of the girls I'm hoping to move with - we got the flat we'd had our hearts set on.

Finally, I can begin to move on.

How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

Are you healing through music?

So, I'm listening to two new albums at the moment. The artists and feel of the music couldn't be more different but both are striking a cord with me.

Arctic Monkeys released their new album this week, AM. Starting off with "Do I Wanna Know", where several lyrics mirror my state of mind:

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat...

(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay...

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new...

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts...

Fireside, which is not only a tune you can easily bop to whilst walking down the street, it speaks to my soul - I know kinda deep but honestly, give it a listen. Alex T is clearly talking from experience and he puts it beautifully, in a twisted descriptive way.

I love the way he puts the absence of a loved one:

Like in my heart there's that hotel suite and you lived there so long, 

It's kinda strange now you're gone

And

And I thought I was yours forever

Maybe I was mistaken but I just cannot manage to make it through the day

Without thinking of you lately

Oh my god! 

Anyway, in general the album flows through an array of emotions about having lost someone you love with catchy beats and chorus'. It's an album anyone can relate to whether they've been in love or had an unhealthy crush - you know what I'm talking 'bout!

The other is London Grammar's debut album, If You Wait.

Haunting melodies and insightful lyrics, these guys tap into the dark and twisty side of your emotions evoking thoughtful analysis of what you really want out of life and love. Phew! That was a bit deep, huh? But their album review by WHATCULTURE quoted "A combination of ambience, trance and a classical aura create an intoxicating blend which somewhat demands you to listen to them."

Metal and Dust paints the picture of all relationships that are built and then crumble, offering their observation in both verses:

And so, you built a life on trust

Though it starts, with love and lust

And when your house, begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

And all foundation that we made

Built to last, they disintegrate

And when your house begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

Flickers is more about those haunting - there's that word again - images and thoughts of the person who left you behind. Much like my post "Full of you". The guitar and bass rifts gives it an uplifting reggae feel. But it's the chorus:

And everytime I go to bed

An image of you flickers in my head

And everytime I fall asleep

An image of you flows in my dream

I think my favourite part of the song is towards the end around the 2.50-3 min mark when the beat kicks in a bit more and Reid draws you in with her own rifts. I get goosebumps listening to it.

Last but not least, the title track "If You Wait".

And if you wait 

I will trust in time that we will meet again

Have a listen to both, even if you think either are not really your cup of tea musically. Open yourself up.

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.

When the love is over

Four weeks to the day that he broke my heart, I moved out of our shared flat. The actual move was easy, the hard part was the goodbye.

He was sat on the bed, Mac on his lap, as I walked in to tell him I was done with the last of my packing and making a move. I wanted him to get up and pull me into his arms, make me feel less alone in that moment but he remained on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, his blue eyes searching my face.

I didn't want to linger, I'd made myself vulnerable to him too many times over the last month, I didn't have the strength for another rejection. As the seconds ticked by and it was obviously he wasn't going to move, I turned my head away and waved goodbye. I barely got out of the door when I broke down, and remained crying the 25 minute walk to my new 'home'.

I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in this new place long, part of me wants to move closer to my family so I'm not so alone. I'll need them when he finally leaves and I'll never see him again. I don't know why but just knowing he's knocking around somewhere out there in London makes me feel less discarded.

So we're going to try to be 'just friends', which I'll find hard at first.

I miss him being there, and that's what gets me the most; the loss of having that connection with someone, no longer sharing in-jokes, chilling on a sofa with a beer watching a movie. The physical stuff can be replaced by someone else when I'm strong enough but the friendship…

So here's to new beginnings, to taking each day as it comes - for now - and hopefully to new friendships.

One step at a time...