Losing Grip

And so she held her breath once again,
Hoping that the wave of emotion seemingly taking over her body subsided.
She opened her eyes to see flicker of day light;
It felt like she was drowning.

The world around her dipping and swaying,
Pressure pushing hard against her chest, her head swimming in a drunken haze.
She hoped that she'd escaped feeling this again,
That she had control and yet her she was, feeling weightless, helpless.

She kicked her feet hard, praying that it would push her closer to the surface.
Running out of energy to fight;
Her mind began to slip.

Her lungs burned as they fought against a lack of air.
Her senses dulled to nothing;
Slowing but surely losing grip.

How Dare You!

I have a very dear friend, who has gone through SO much over the last 2-3 years, and that hasn't changed in the short time that I've known her. 

We met (properly) on a girly holiday last year and I'd say our bond was instant. She was present at one of the worse experiences of my life and has supported me ever since. Funnily enough we also share the same birthday. 

With all the stuff that's been happening in her life - not my place to say - I advised her to start a blog, as mine has helped me get stuff off my chest, I hoped she could do the same. So she did, anonymously, and for the last 5 months I've seen her open her mind to release the thoughts that, left unsaid, could tip anyone over the edge. 

Until today. Because today some selfish s**thead outted her. 

They hacked her phone and sent a nasty letter to all her friends, family, work colleagues, even her dentist, claiming that 'no-one should have secrets'! 

I am outraged. If I found out who it was - oooh, there would be trouble. 

If you knew how unassuming and nice she was, how hard she tries to keep her problems out of other people's lives. If you knew a smidgen of the crap she's been dealing with, you'd understand the f**king break she needs, but this person/people… clearly have NO compassion and definitely no respect. 

I'm speechless that there are people like this in the world. 

If you read this, please share with others. Let's spread the word that BULLYING is unacceptable. 

Better Than You Know

I DID IT!

I actually made it through what was the hardest physical event I've ever done.

It was the furthest I've ever ran, I was dunked into the coldest water my skin has ever had contact with, I HAVE been muddier but NEVER electricuted. I crawled through tunnels, jumped off a 15ft plank, was the only person in my group to complete the 'Funky' monkey bar challenge, been hauled up a wall by my arse cheek... and enjoyed every bit of it.

The beer at the end of the course was quite possibly the best beer I've ever tastet and you know why? Because I worked damn hard for that beer! I was petrified at the start because even the running, which I'm more familiar and trained for, was hardcore. I never realised here heavy trainers caked in mud were. I could feel it dragged my feet closer and closer to the floor. It was like gravity was bumped up a notch or two and my body was having to fight against it, INSANE!

The comraderie, the laughs, the injuries, I felt such a high upon completition that I'm still wondering if I should sign up for another one.

The bruises on my knees and lower legs, the aches and pains in my shoulders, ribs and hip, the pure exhaustion I feel; that was 3 hours and 15 minutes I'll never regret.

So proud!

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

Running myself into the ground

After a long break from the gym over the Christmas period and then being written off for 3 weeks because of the horrendous cold I was suffering from, I managed a 5km treadmill run last Tuesday morning (BEFORE work people, get me!) and attempted a 7k outdoor run Saturday just gone.

My chest burnt like hell as I tried to control my breathing without hocking up the gunk settling in my lungs, and I could really feel it in my feet and calves.

In fact, I only managed to complete 6 of my planned 7k on Saturday because my calves began to feel so tight it hurt when I rolled onto the balls of my feet because the muscles/tendons were being stretched. It was like someone was sticking hot pins in the backs of my ankles whilst I was running. And I so wanted to do the entire route, but I ended up walking the rest of the way home, and gently stretched when I got there. All I could think about was, where's the MAT specialist ex when you need him? :)

I hate running, HATE it. What I love is the feeling of accomplishment once I've managed to go for a run.

I love the challenge of bettering my time per km, or going that little bit further than last time. I'm literally in competition with myself, each time I work out.

I've recently started using an interval treadmill programme. After the first complete run, I'd clocked just over 5k but my time was 10 minutes longer than if I just went for it, so the next time I did it I upped the jog pace by 0.5 mph and upped the running pace my 1 mph. I felt more of a challenge on the run, even though it only lasted a minute, and it took me that little bit longer to recover but I felt exhilarated. Pumped, you might say.

My next scheduled run is an outdoor one in the countryside. I've planned an 8k route but if I only manage 6-7 I won't cry about it, though I will be disappointed with myself.

Ultimately, the fact I even get out of the door is an achievement :D

Let's keep on running b*tches!  

Don't forget to be AWESOME

A quiet period? That's what he's told people, that we're having a quiet period…

I'm not sure that I like that description. I feel like it belittles what is actually happening - that I'm having to force myself into a new mindset, one that doesn't include him and to do that I need some freaking space.

What a prick. Quiet period indeed!

Honestly the more this goes on, even when he's not doing anything particularly different to before, I feel like bitterness is taking over me. It's like that black stuff in Spiderman 3.

And then, when I feel comfortable with the fact that I'm not in touch with him, he pops up on my phone to see 'how my week's been'; projecting himself back in my life, WTF?!

And suddenly those bad feelings are right back at my door. Transference is a bitch. Transference: “the redirection of feelings and desires toward a new object.”

There's a really funny scene in Two Can Play That Game that explains what I'm talking about but I couldn't find a clip :( It is FUNNY though.

Non-stop banter with the colleagues, lots of laughter at their hangovers and a pizza for lunch has left me in a much better mood for the beginning of the weekend. So happy it's Friday. Now I'm off to share some quality time with some loved ones.

Final thought of the week: Heartache is a B***H

Find the ones worth suffering for

Okay so this post goes out to my friends and family, who have shown their true colours this past month. You guys rock - hardcore! 

Urban Dictionary: 
A conflictingly, unproven belief that all of life's problems/obstacles can all be conquered/averted by simply believing in friendship, or the belief in others close to a particular individual or group of friends.

Sad to say but when shit hits the fan, you can clearly identify who your friends for a 'season' are in all their glory. It can be a bloody painful realisation, and the pain feels 100 times worse if you're already going through something emotionally challenging. You've invested a great deal of time in a relationship and it suddenly buckles under-pressure.

I received an amazingly touching message over the weekend from someone I've never necessarily considered close (mainly as it's an ex connection). Her words cut through the bullshit and hit my core. It was everything I'd been feeling, fearing, questioning and suddenly there it was, summed up beautifully.

"I think one of the hardest parts about deciding what you want is admitting the possibility that it may involve leaving people behind - that your relationships won't stand up to the changes you're making to be more you. It's painful to look at this possibility, because at one point those relationships were vital, had a spark and a connection. The prospect of leaving them behind, and the prospect that someone might let me leave, is gut-wrenching because it makes me wonder if that connection was real, or if I imagined it in the first place."

Please don't get me wrong. Real friendship is not something I've just learned about, I know I have great friends and I feel undoubtedly blessed because of it. It makes me smile to know I have so many people who care for me that are not just blood relations. I just wanted to share the love with you.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” 

― Bob Marley

Kicking a habit

So I know I’ve been quiet for a few days but if I’m honest, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

Me and the boyf have called it quits.

Sounds so bizarre after I’ve been writing posts about how much I love him and idolise our relationship, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’ve found myself in a dark place this past week, my head shifting from complete understanding to a whirlwind of confusion.

I’ve tried to make him understand how and why I’m feeling the way I do but I just couldn’t quite articulate it correctly. I wanted to understand why it hurts so much, hoping that by knowing the emotional/physical reasons that I’d start to be able to come to terms with my new reality. As you do, you head to Google, and I found the following: Heal heartbreak

I think my favourite quotes from this article are “Separation annihilates all those lovely dreams - it wipes out all those fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.“ and "There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity."

That is exactly how I feel.

And get this explanation for the physical pain - you are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug.

In the midst of all this mind and heart paralysing state of affairs, I’m looking for a new place to live and a new purpose for life because, sad as it sounds, he was my passion.

I’ve got new friendships to make and new adventures to experience. Right now that seems SO daunting but time, they say, is a healer.

Are your muscles healthy?

Should you ever find yourself with a muscle pain that is not just general soreness from a workout, before you head to a doctor or chiropractor take a look into Muscle Activation Techniques (MAT).

The boyfriend is a qualified specialist in this technique and he really helped me yesterday with my Body FAIL. Today I feel as though my body is working much better and we've made plans for a follow-up at the end of the week, giving my muscles time to recuperate because it is essentially a work out.

Before I met him, I'd never heard of MAT. I dislocated my left knee when I was 20 and never received any physio for it. Since then I've suffered from lower back pain.

Last Easter I was in so much pain from my back pain that I could barely walk. I had to take time off work and I was popping Ibuprofen like they were Nestle Smarties. The boyfriend was still studying so he convinced me to visit his friend for MAT. Even though after the session I could move easier, I wasn't truly convinced until months later I realised that I'd not had any problems with my back since.  

It works by providing a system of checks and balances using resistance, allowing trainers to evaluate and determine any muscle inhibition. It is a specific technique designed to improve muscle function, which in turn can reduce the risk of injury while also speeding up the body’s ability to recover from injury - By the way guys, I totally got that from the website. There's no way I could explain it myself that succinct. 

You should do it regularly though. Like most things with me, I remember to go back when I really need it - niggling pain in my hip or knee, or like yesterday a total body shut down - instead of going on a regular basis to prevent injuries. What can I say, I'm an idiot.

Anyway, if you're interested in learning more, please click here. If you're in pain, interested and want to find your nearest MAT practitioner, please click here.

And um, not because I'm biased but if you're in the Liverpool Street (London) area and need it, want to try it or just talk to someone about it, contact these guys - Integra

Go me!

Body FAIL

At 30, I'm not old. Well, when you're under 25 I suppose 30 seems ancient but now I'm here, I am not old. So why is my body starting to fall apart?!

This weekend I got dressed up as an Avatar for a friend's 30th - I promised you a pic so here it is (eek)

I know, I know, I look like a twat but that what fancy dress is for!! 

Anyway, back on topic, obviously I got pretty drunk. I tumbled into a cab at about half past three in the morning, somehow was sober enough to wash ALL of my make up off before bed and then I promptly fell into bed STARKERS because I just couldn't function anymore to put on my PJs. 

Sunday morning brought with it glorious sunshine and horrendous body issues! WTF?! No hangover just a body that felt as though I'd been run down by a train, followed by a truck and swiftly beaten to a pulp by the Hulk. My throat ached, my nose hurt, I was suffering from an awful neck pain, shoulders ached, and my legs felt like dead weights.   

When did going out for a night of drinking, fun and dancing mean ending up in that state? 

I am not prepared. I guess my next online food shop will include more paracetamol and apparently some Deep Heat - good god! 

Putting yourself out there

Despite giving myself the 'talk' on my way to work this morning, I expected a response.

Me1 - "You won't get one. You know you won't. He's not like that."
Me2 - "I know but I can't help but think.."
Me1 - "Don't get your hopes up honey. I know you want to hear something back but don't expect anything."
Me2 - "You're right. I won't get anything."
Me1 - "Good girl."
Me2 - "You don't think maybe?"
Me1 - "No. Don't think about it."
Me2 - "You know I'm going to check my gmail account as soon as I get in though, don't you?"
Me1 - "Sigh. I know. Fingers crossed. I want there to be a response."
Me2 - "Me too."

I put it off for as long as I could... 20 minutes. No response. But I already knew that'd be the case.

OVER IN A JIFFY

I really think boyfriends are just like a brazilian wax.

They start off so tidy and clean. Makes you feel so special that occassionally you want to show them off to your friends (just me then?).

But after a while they start to look a little untamed, not matter what you try. You get uber annoyed with the fact they're making you feel uncomfortable all the time, and in the end you just can't stand the sight of them any longer!

So, we make the decision to sort it out, get rid and go through a hell of a lot of pain just to get the next one.

*sigh*

LOST

I wake from a sad dream to find reality much the same.
Although the 'spring' sun shines through my window,
The warmth of its rays are empty when they touch my skin.
All feeling lost.

Life passes me by and I'm stuck in a limbo,
Neither coming or going.
Eyes ache from tears that have kept me company at night.
Sick with a want that has to be denied.