Just Hold On

Straight to the heart

No planned diversions

Words fired at speed

They're impact dead certain

The wall, it then crumbles

Just debris at my feet

Torn and now exposed

A soul incomplete

A remedy made available

For all this heartache

I was caught with my guard down

Vulnerable, awake

Now here we are

where damage is done at close range

Questioning the future

Regrets we cannot change

Straight to the heart

Sudden tears of relief

I am not unloved

I am not

I wish

I know it's not going to be immediate but I wish it would all stop. 

At first I wished I could make it better. 

Then I wished I could pretend it didn't happen.

I wanted it to not be real; moving out proved I was definitely not dreaming.

I thought we could be friends, but that only works when you're both over it. I'm not sure if I ever will be. 

For a week or two I wished I could meet someone else. 

I wish we could talk but I've got nothing to say, except those 3 words I forbid myself to utter. I won't let them escape. 

I write you texts and delete them. I write you emails and discard them. I dream of you often and think of you always. 

I wish you'd take it all back. It's just not fair.

 

The Greater The Love

Oh my goodness.

This house-sharing malarkey can be BRUTAL. I can see how I got so upset when I was looking before. Every rejection is like having toothpicks stabbed into your bruised heart - I'm over-exaggerating here a little.

In the last week I've sent off countless emails to people with a cosy double room and a LIVING ROOM, you'd be surprised how many properties no longer have a comfortable social area so the landlords can benefit from another rental income - mini rant.

I've been invited to 4 viewings... FOUR. I'm potentially seeing a place tonight and tomorrow but neither party have actually confirmed, which rattles my cage already.

I feel ready to move on now - come on universe, help me out a little please.

We've just sorted out all bills and stuff so there's no longer any need for us to be in touch, which saddens me a little. Two and a half years of learning about someone, being close to them, shared experiences, promises, future plans... it's a shame good things have to come to an end.

I've also just logged back onto Twitter as a way to further distract myself but it's SO easy to get carried away reading a lot of nonsense. I'm following a lot of 'interesting' facts, motivational quotes, fitness blurbs but for some reason today I've been drawn to the following:

Dagnamit

 Hmm

Wow, harsh but probably what I need to take notice of

Fact is, and this is what I fail to accept fully, it is over - there is NO going back. He wants the chance for us both to feel true love because what he was feeling was not enough. 

That's not an easy pill to swallow. In fact, it's so BIG a pill that I've had to karate chop it into a million pieces and each day I take a little piece and force it down. Eventually I'll get to the last piece and it won't be so bad, I won't feel so bad. 

Getting over someone is hard. 

No matter how many self-help quotes, books, articles you read or advice you take, the pain will cease in it's own sweet time. All you can do is distract yourself with lots of good stuff in the meantime. 

• Learn something new
• Treat yourself - to as much as you want because there is no guilt during this time. Get your hair done, get a massage or two, freshen up your wardrobe! NO GUILT. But if after you're over it you do start to feel guilty, meh, you can always sell your new stuff on eBay :) 
• DON'T drink too much or do an excessive amount of drugs, the comedown will make it worse - I learnt this the hard way during my first break-up
• Set yourself a goal - something fun or challenging, anything as long as you'll feel a sense of achievement from it
• When you're ready, get out there and start dating. Okay so you might not be ready to start something new but the getting ready for the date and going out with someone you're attracted to will boost your spirits. 

As you can tell from my blog posts over the last 2 months, I'm far from over him - in my eyes he's still the owner of my heart BUT I've stopped crying. 

We're in contact, very rarely and usually about practical things, and yeah it gets me down for a while but I just do something that I know will cheer me up and before I know it I'm back on the up'n'up. 

"The time between thoughts of them will grow longer,

And the urge to cry about what has happened will lessen.

The desire to get back out there will get stronger,

Regardless of when, it will never diminish what you felt for them." 

Amy Gentles-McKie

Glutton for punishment

I tried my best. No one can say that I didn't try because I really DID. I have no shoulda, woulda, coulda's left. He's looking for the chance to find true love, something I apparently cannot offer. I can only offer REAL love and that's just not enough for him. But I understand that this isn't about me, it's about him and how he feels and that's nothing I can influence or control.

C'est la vie

So, I'm going to have to pack up all the memories, the good feelings I had for him, the in-jokes and intimate thoughts. They'll all go in an archive box to be stored in the shadowed regions of my heart for a while. When I'm strong enough, I may take it out every once and a while to remind myself about the good times but that won't be for a few months yet.

It's sad, I'm not going to lie, and it's hard. Who really wants to know that you're not enough for someone to love?! However, he answered my questions - in a vague, contradictory way - but his overall message was clear:

Move on and don't look back. 

I'm not down on myself though, not this time. I'm just sad, because I thought we had something really great.

Friends think that he'll regret it, but I don't. Even years down the line, if he's still looking, he won't regret this decision. And hopefully one day soon, I won't even care if he does or doesn't.

I'm literally speechless now. I'll never be able to convey just how perfect I felt we were, and I wasn't the only one who thought so, but there you go… you can never guarantee how things work out and if that's true about anything, it's LOVE.

Goodbye you - I hope that one day you fully understand just how much you gave up but that you can look back and it still warms your heart to know you were loved SO much x

Down the rabbit hole I go

Of course there would be more of me scraping my knees along the gravel before I would finally pick my a** up from the bottom of the pit and start to climb towards the light…

However, I'm not sure if I have actually hit rock bottom yet. Yes, I belittle myself by begging and crying in public - not both at the same time thank goodness, perhaps I still have a little more to go down the rabbit hole before this ends? But I'm still as befuddled towards the reasonings as the day my world was turned upside down.

My sister says it's something to be proud of, the fact that I am fighting for something I believe in. I am amazed - at my capacity to make myself so vulnerable and still keep going back for more. I DO believe in this - in love! It's not the fairytale ending Disney led us to believe growing up folks.

Ever wonder why the story ends when the girl and guy gets together? Because shit gets messy! Values are questioned, wants and needs are examined, then your boyfriend decides that you are not as important to him as possible life experiences… he's not actually said this I'm presuming reasons because I cannot get straight forward answers…

So what do I do? I send him another email asking him to change his mind. You may read this and think "God, that's so pathetic", it is and I woke up this morning feeling like I sold my soul but at least I went down'n'out fighting - HARDCORE.

Anyway, I've not heard anything back which is probably a good thing. The longer he can stay away from me and I not hear from him, the better all round. The hardest part is knowing that I've made myself about as vulnerable as can be - completely exposed - and I'm effectively being rejected BUT I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix, just hopefully not as destructive as Dr Jean Grey.

I joked that I'm half tempted to just show up on his doorstep. Imagine it, he arrives home after a late session with a client, tired, and I'm sitting there, completely rain sodden, big doe eyes, ready to plead. Now in the movies this would work.

I'm not afraid to say I still love him. He was my family, my lover, my past and my future, he held my heart, soul, mind and body, he was my joker, my challenger, my best friend. And  I just cannot manage to make it through the day without thinking of him, how he's doing, if he's happy, if he has someone to talk to.

Everyday, even after a particularly hard one, I wake up with hope. I don't know why because I've only ever received negative results in this situation, but the positivity keeps bubbling to the surface briefly.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Are you healing through music?

So, I'm listening to two new albums at the moment. The artists and feel of the music couldn't be more different but both are striking a cord with me.

Arctic Monkeys released their new album this week, AM. Starting off with "Do I Wanna Know", where several lyrics mirror my state of mind:

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat...

(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay...

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new...

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts...

Fireside, which is not only a tune you can easily bop to whilst walking down the street, it speaks to my soul - I know kinda deep but honestly, give it a listen. Alex T is clearly talking from experience and he puts it beautifully, in a twisted descriptive way.

I love the way he puts the absence of a loved one:

Like in my heart there's that hotel suite and you lived there so long, 

It's kinda strange now you're gone

And

And I thought I was yours forever

Maybe I was mistaken but I just cannot manage to make it through the day

Without thinking of you lately

Oh my god! 

Anyway, in general the album flows through an array of emotions about having lost someone you love with catchy beats and chorus'. It's an album anyone can relate to whether they've been in love or had an unhealthy crush - you know what I'm talking 'bout!

The other is London Grammar's debut album, If You Wait.

Haunting melodies and insightful lyrics, these guys tap into the dark and twisty side of your emotions evoking thoughtful analysis of what you really want out of life and love. Phew! That was a bit deep, huh? But their album review by WHATCULTURE quoted "A combination of ambience, trance and a classical aura create an intoxicating blend which somewhat demands you to listen to them."

Metal and Dust paints the picture of all relationships that are built and then crumble, offering their observation in both verses:

And so, you built a life on trust

Though it starts, with love and lust

And when your house, begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

And all foundation that we made

Built to last, they disintegrate

And when your house begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

Flickers is more about those haunting - there's that word again - images and thoughts of the person who left you behind. Much like my post "Full of you". The guitar and bass rifts gives it an uplifting reggae feel. But it's the chorus:

And everytime I go to bed

An image of you flickers in my head

And everytime I fall asleep

An image of you flows in my dream

I think my favourite part of the song is towards the end around the 2.50-3 min mark when the beat kicks in a bit more and Reid draws you in with her own rifts. I get goosebumps listening to it.

Last but not least, the title track "If You Wait".

And if you wait 

I will trust in time that we will meet again

Have a listen to both, even if you think either are not really your cup of tea musically. Open yourself up.

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.

Rage Against the *love* Machine

I wrote him a letter and left it at the flat this weekend. I wasn't expecting him to find it so fast but I guess I didn't really hide it. He text me this morning to say that he found it. There's nothing to say to that.

I left it for a reason BUT I feel guilty and I'm not sure why. It could be because we had such a lovely day yesterday and I've now tarnished that for him (if he cares enough) or the fact he found it at the beginning of his day… whatever the reason, I now feel like a douche!

RAGE! Wtf? Why can I not stop thinking about this bullshit experience I'm going through? It's an unwanted shadow over my life. I've accepted the fact he doesn't want me, now let me move the f**k on!

I guess I've just slammed back into the "Anger" stage of grief/loss.

FML and take a deep breath

Ctrl Refresh

I can honestly say that after this last week, I've felt like running away. Just packing my shit up and leaving.

I've felt alone and confused, and even though I've not cried for 24 hours I am under no illusion that the worst has yet to come. He still needs to leave and eventually he'll find someone else. These thoughts make me physically sick.

But I am making progress.

This time last week I was just waiting, waiting for him to clarify my fate. And for the last seven days I've had to think about money, new living arrangements and the fact that my planned future no longer exists.

Do you want to know what I've been thinking the most though? That I really wish my Zumba class was still going. I could do with just shaking my hips to Latin influenced music and sweating for an hour.

Suddenly having something like this shake you to your core, gets you thinking about what you like to do and want out of life.

I love Zumba. Even if I've had a bad day and I struggled to get myself to the class by the end of the hour I'm on top of the world, strutting home with a smile on my face. I hate going to the gym because it's boring and I've never felt confident that I'm doing things right.

So I'm thinking that I might retrain, part-time, as a personal trainer. I'd work my own hours and I'd have something to really work for - myself!

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up hand in my notice tomorrow to start a new career but as I'm in a time of ambiguity, I have a blank canvas to write/draw/paint/adorn. Who or what says I have to pick up the pieces and carry on as normal? Why not use this time, opportunity, to recreate myself?

At this time I'm just thinking. I'll give myself a little time to let the dust settle. I might find that once I can see clearly again, things may have rearranged themselves.

But three things are certain - he'll be gone, I'll be living somewhere new and my heart will be broken.

Kicking a habit

So I know I’ve been quiet for a few days but if I’m honest, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

Me and the boyf have called it quits.

Sounds so bizarre after I’ve been writing posts about how much I love him and idolise our relationship, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’ve found myself in a dark place this past week, my head shifting from complete understanding to a whirlwind of confusion.

I’ve tried to make him understand how and why I’m feeling the way I do but I just couldn’t quite articulate it correctly. I wanted to understand why it hurts so much, hoping that by knowing the emotional/physical reasons that I’d start to be able to come to terms with my new reality. As you do, you head to Google, and I found the following: Heal heartbreak

I think my favourite quotes from this article are “Separation annihilates all those lovely dreams - it wipes out all those fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.“ and "There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity."

That is exactly how I feel.

And get this explanation for the physical pain - you are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug.

In the midst of all this mind and heart paralysing state of affairs, I’m looking for a new place to live and a new purpose for life because, sad as it sounds, he was my passion.

I’ve got new friendships to make and new adventures to experience. Right now that seems SO daunting but time, they say, is a healer.

What makes you happy?!

For me it's

Love 

I loved someone once before, when I was young. What we had to start with was magical. 

When we were apart, I was so excited to see him again, I cried when we had to say goodbye, I drove 2.5 hours to spend the night in his arms and then left at the crack of dawn to make it back in time for work. 

We decided to live together after 3 months of being a couple - we'd known each other already for 6 years. Two and a half years later, he left for San Fran to chase his dreams and I stayed behind trying to find mine. 

I loved him as best I knew how but times were not always great. We hurt each other through our words, I expected a lot from him and in turn he urged me to be a more ambitious person, eventually he fell out of love with me.

It took a long time for my heart to heal after that and I found myself drawn to someone completely different. He made me laugh and opened me up again. I started to think about a future with someone again, wanted to support someone emotionally, to feel trusted and intimate. 

However, he wasn't quite ready for that. At least, not with me. Yeah, that hurt but I was quite thankful to him for it because it just proved that I could and would love again. 

After that, I stopped looking for love. I needed a break from it to allow my wounded heart to mend. But it wasn't long before I started seeing someone. 

He was lovely. Nothing like the first, and absolutely nothing like the second. We had a laugh, there was obviously chemistry between us, he was easy to talk to and he made it clear that he felt the same ease around me. We were happy just being 'friends'. 

Before I knew it, I started to really like him. I wanted to spend more time with him, share more of myself with him - after 3 months I confessed to my bestie (best friend) I wanted more from him - but I fought it a little while longer because I wasn't sure I was emotionally ready to try again. 

Eventually I told him what I wanted, a boyfriend - eek, and he wasn't keen. Ha ha. Like me, he wasn't sure he was ready. I wasn't upset, a little disappointed I guess but you can't help how you feel. I thought that was it but he still wanted to see me so we agreed to just take it a day at a time. 

Six hundred and ninety days later, we've lived together for fifteen months and are still going strong. He makes me a better person. I love being in his company and he has me in frequent fits of laughter. Even when he's 10,263 miles away, he still manages to make me smile. 

But you don't have to be in love to be happy. This is just what makes me happy today. Most other days, it's chocolate ;) 

WHOOP! HAPPY FRIDAY PEOPLE

LOST

I wake from a sad dream to find reality much the same.
Although the 'spring' sun shines through my window,
The warmth of its rays are empty when they touch my skin.
All feeling lost.

Life passes me by and I'm stuck in a limbo,
Neither coming or going.
Eyes ache from tears that have kept me company at night.
Sick with a want that has to be denied.

WISH I MEANT MORE

Sitting here, waiting for you to join me.
Oh dear, I let myself get carried away again.
Getting my hopes up that you actually want to spend time with me.
What a fool!
Why on earth would you want to do that?