HASHTAG On It

So… it's been a while huh? :) 

Nothing really exciting has really happened, but I'm guessing you gathered from my last post that life was pretty busy. 

Work just seemed to get a bit manic all of a sudden, I was spending most weekends studying or attending workshops and then I went on 'holiday' with my niece for a week. 

To say the last 3 months have been a whirlwind in an understatement. 

My diary has become my lifesaver because I'm seriously at the point where I have to schedule time in with myself - yes, it's THAT crazy. 

Apart from days where I've been too exhausted to eat, it's not all been bad. 

I've met some incredibly wonderful people, learnt some really cool things, read some insightful books, been to some awesome places; laughed, cried, danced and suffered horrendous hangovers. And if the weather had been good for the duration, it would have bordered on perfect :) 

I still have a way to go till I'm where I want to be, but I can honestly say that I'm on my way. 

I've taken a little time off from studying but it's time to get back on it, or at least doing some active application. Which reminds me… I need to review my coaching action points and actually do some of them. 

Too much fun makes Amy a procrastinator! 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Four

One more week to go and I'll be a year older. 

So far my 30's have presented me with tough life experiences. Though I am not religious in any way I can't help but quote St Paul from Second Corinthians: 

'For when I am weak, then I am strong' 

After each event I've found myself in a strange but familiar darkness where I've experienced an acute anxiety of the future. 

Thursday is counselling day. 

An hour a week I am forced to look at WHY I do things, or think about things the way that I do, so it's no surprise that I have been drawn to topics like 'self-confidence', 'depression' and 'happiness' on TEDTalks.

Interestingly, some of the key messages I picked out fit nicely with the NLP course I'm about to embark on next weekend but also with the conversations I've been having with my counsellor.

When the final wave of my grief over my relationship ending I posted a status on Facebook by Bob Marley about being strong, and in the talk I listened to after last week's session by Andrew Solomon, those words were repeated:

"We seek our identities in the wake of our painful experiences" 

Well, hot damn, that's what I've been doing for the last 6 months... wow, it's been 6 months! How different life could be if I'd made a different decision.  

My favourite talk of them all was one by Shawn Achor 'The Happy Secret To Better Work'. Not only is Shawn an engaging speaker but he puts things into perspective.

The main thing I took away from his talk was the way he broke down the happiness formula that we all probably use:

"If I work harder I'll be successful. 

The more successful I am, the happier I'll be..."

And every time our brains register a success, we change the goal posts of what success looks like! Take this weekend for an example, I ran a 10k for the British Heart Foundation with some work colleagues and got a personal best, in fact I've never come close to getting that time before and yet I'm already scheming how I can better it rather than just being content.  

"If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there."

It's an interesting thing to consider though, no? 

What do you consider to be success and do you allow yourself to enjoy it when you get there or do you immediately move the goal posts and therefore delaying your happiness? 

Check Me Out

I'm trying to be playful with my style - NOT by buying more clothes for a change.

I've noticed that I frequently get compliments at work about my clothing and hair styles, so I'm trying to make the most of 'what I got', my hair especially.

I'm blessed to have soft, ringlet curls, which I can blow out should I feel the urge. As much as I find straight hair easier to style, I try not to do it often as it dries my ends and means that I need more cut off when it's time for a trim.

However, 2nd day curly hair is NOT fun! You can't wear it out because it's flat and matted where you've slept on it, and putting it in a ponytail makes me look about 12. This is where Pinterest has become a lifesaver. I found some cool pins, which show step-by-step guides on cool and stylish up-dos.

They come from a blog on Loxa Beauty, but the author who has changed my life is Samantha Harris. I'm being more adventurous and completely open to being more versatile with my hair.

The gorgeous Samantha Harris  |  My 'smaller scale' attempt

Although my hair isn't the same length or texture as Samantha's, I just make slight amendments to suit my own hair type, and so far I'm happy with the outcomes.

If you have the same problems as I do with being creative with your hair, check out this lovely lady's blog posts here.


Keep 'em coming Samantha, keep 'em coming!

Finding That Secret Formula

And let me tell you, it's not Twiglets! (I've been eating a lot of these of late)

What with the theme of my last few posts being about me feeling down and whatnot, I've been trying to climb out of this funk and evoke some Christmas cheer.

I work on the Commercial floor at my company. The average age on this floor is probably about 25 and they have been playing Christmas songs since mid-November. I've always LOVED Christmas but this year I seem to be the resident Grinch... the songs have not helped! I've been included in their floor Secret Santa and invited to their floor party.

I have resisted the 'far-too-early' singalongs, boozy Friday night gatherings at the company bar and the Christmas jumper outings BUT they have now introduced a desk decoration competition and THAT is something I find fun!

Some have gone for a 80's retro look, i.e. brightly coloured foil lanterns and banners, some have embraced a film theme 'Narnia' with an actual Fur Coat rail and tables littered with fake snow, we've got a real tree, Santa's workshop with elves (colleagues wearing elves hats and ears)... I've gone for a minimalist but stylist look.

My office has glass walls and door so I've cut out snowflakes and icicles and decorated some of the glass. I've not finished yet. Still got a few more snowflakes to make, and I want to create a small family of polar bears (got some spare A3 paper) - anything I can do for free.

I'm not giving in and buying tinsel or anything because it's all going to be thrown away in a couple of weeks... though I've just heard there's a celebrity judge, but I love a bit of arts and crafts :)

Anyway by joining in a bit I'm feeling happier. Even though it only lasts a short while, I'm no longer all "BAH HUMBUG".

When All Is Said

Being honest with yourself can sometimes feel like an epiphany. A sense of euphoria washes over you and it's almost like a weight has been lifted... 

But realisation is the easy part, even if you felt the journey to it was tough, after the honesty comes the real work.

I'm not patient, I think we've all established that through other posts; I like to think it's because I'm an Aries rather than a general character flaw (denial is a girls best friend). 

In the last month I've made a few major decisions, taken some substantial actions, in my life:
To be or not to be a single mummy
Called time on the twisted ill-fated friendship I had with my ex
Called my mum out for being lazy with our relationship  

The result?

Feeling the most unwanted and most lost I've ever experienced in my life. 

I've literally been dreaming of packing up my shit and leaving everything, everyone behind in an effort to just start from scratch. I wouldn't do anything as 'drastic' as changing my name but I'd just kind of wipe the slate clean and start my life again. No pregnancy, no ex drama, no work expectations, no shitty family relations.  

Just me in a new place with everything to live for.

My dad said I need to find what makes me happy and just concentrate on that, but what if what makes you happy is a person or a job or a place? Apparently that's just stuff that shouldn't have an impact on your true happiness.


So what is happiness?





This, I fear, will be the real work after the epiphany.... FML

Everything To Live For

I have 12 sleeps until I'll be jetting off to the beauty of Barbados. I booked my flights back in May and I have been holding on to my sanity ever since.

The last 14 months have been a roller-coaster of highs and depressing lows, confusing twists and turns. I feel like I deserve to treat myself to this, kind of like a little celebratory break for surviving.

Last night I started my packing. I've separated the 'holiday' wear from the 'everyday' wear so I could be clear on what I'm still missing.

Because the last 3 weeks have been a bit of a health nightmare, I've put on just under 3 kgs and it all sits on my stomach, the one place I'd worked so hard to trim down. Sods law really but I won't let it ruin my holiday.

I woke up motivated to go to the gym this evening but as usual that dread has set in. I shall go anyway. I just need to get back into the habit of exercise. I know I'll feel better for going, and will sleep like a log tonight.

I've been training for something on and off for the last year, exercise being the substitution for my lost relationship. Sad really, and yet it's probably the best thing I could have done.

It's better than going out and getting pissed, ending up in bed with a random and okay perhaps I don't enjoy it as much I probably would the getting pissed and ending up in bed with a random, but I've learnt a lot about myself in those hours spent at the gym...

• I'm actually a decent runner when I can empty my mind
• I can achieve most things I put my mind too
• I enjoy the short lived sense of achievement
• It's a great way to spend 30-45 minutes on myself

I'm sure I can lose half of that weight gain in 2 weeks if I'm just consistent and watch what I eat (she says as she finishes a mini Terry's Orange bar). So, as I check the clock... 55 minutes left of my work day... I guess I'll see you on the flip side - or the gym's changing room. Got a beach body to regain!

I only love you when I'm drunk

Have you ever reached that level of drunkeness when you just love everyone? 

It doesn't matter that they frustrated you earlier by talking over you or dismissed the point you were making or haven't made an effort in your life for weeks... you just LOVE them.

Life is too short to hate people, regardless of what they've done. Why poison your existence with bad feelings towards another?

I love you despite you putting my siblings first.
I love you despite you having left the company and me missing your ass like crazy.
I love you despite the fact I'm jealous of your new life and family.
I love you despite EVERY THING.

Dancing In The Rain

Saturday morning I met up with my friend for our first Zumba class together in Camden. We found it as a deal on Groupon and needed a kick start to our Bank Holiday weekend.

Five minutes in and we were sweating, panting and counting down the hour. F**k Tough Mudder, this class was an INSANE workout! But we left feeling on top of the world, ready for Carnival on the Monday.

As you'd expect from British weather, the day I was due to dance in the street wearing next to nothing it rains.

I woke up yesterday morning after a shocking nights sleep, feeling exhausted and lazy. Having stayed over my friends house so we could go to Carnival together, we both sat on the sofa bed staring out at the bleak weather feeling less than motivated to leave the house. 

The general consensus was that we'd stay home or go bowling, but at some point during breakfast we were convinced by her boyfriend that even if we went for an hour, we should make the most of the opportunity, after all we'd paid for the privilege of dancing within a secured area, unlimited alcoholic drinks and snacks. 

Donning our outfits, plus an extra t-shirt and hoodie, we ventured out into the cold - the rain had stopped. Our spirits high, we got to Kensal Rise within 45 minutes of leaving the house. Unfortunately by the time we'd got there it was raining HARD. 

We'd took shelter underneath a shop canopy and waited for the rain to ease about 15 minutes. I was tempted to go home. In fact I announced it a couple of times. I said my goodbyes and was about to leave BUT, for some unknown reason, I changed my mind and we continued on. 

Music, alcohol, laughter and lots of dancing! 

We were soaked through but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! 

Better Than You Know

I DID IT!

I actually made it through what was the hardest physical event I've ever done.

It was the furthest I've ever ran, I was dunked into the coldest water my skin has ever had contact with, I HAVE been muddier but NEVER electricuted. I crawled through tunnels, jumped off a 15ft plank, was the only person in my group to complete the 'Funky' monkey bar challenge, been hauled up a wall by my arse cheek... and enjoyed every bit of it.

The beer at the end of the course was quite possibly the best beer I've ever tastet and you know why? Because I worked damn hard for that beer! I was petrified at the start because even the running, which I'm more familiar and trained for, was hardcore. I never realised here heavy trainers caked in mud were. I could feel it dragged my feet closer and closer to the floor. It was like gravity was bumped up a notch or two and my body was having to fight against it, INSANE!

The comraderie, the laughs, the injuries, I felt such a high upon completition that I'm still wondering if I should sign up for another one.

The bruises on my knees and lower legs, the aches and pains in my shoulders, ribs and hip, the pure exhaustion I feel; that was 3 hours and 15 minutes I'll never regret.

So proud!

Hopeless Romantic

The door opens and then closes heavily a couple of seconds later.

The sound of keys dropped in a glass bowl resound and I hear her footsteps progressing towards the front room, where I'm sat watching television. But I'm now looking at the doorway, waiting.

I can tell from her stride that she's had a couple of drinks; and suddenly she there, smile on her face and cheeks a little flushed.

We catch eyes and laugh. She stumbles over to where I'm sitting and flops down on the sofa next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Are you in love?"
"I'm in love Amy."

Said at the exact same time, we giggle together. This has happened a couple of times. It's a harmless inside joke, that after a couple of drinks on a date she's in love. Rose tinted glasses working their magic on life, making it all seem so wonderful.

I envy it.

I'm having a hard time not to feel jaded towards the idea of love at the moment. I know what the real thing feels like and I guess I'm still clinging to it.

They never last though, these dates. After the second or third, the novelty has worn off. But that first date :) it even brings me a tingle of excitement and I'm not the one going on it.

#NeverGiveUpOnLove

GOOD friends

Recently I always seem to be in and out of a funny head space. And when I'm in those lows it's because I feel like I'm missing out on things.

People all around me are either buying houses, getting married, or having babies. And it's clear to me in those moments that he was right, I want or I'm ready for those things now.

I'm dead set on getting myself in serious shape and I'm trying to make the best of things at work in an effort to set myself up for a decent career in the future, but late at night, when the lights are out and the housemates are all settled, I think about these things.

Sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm deep into a scenario in my head and I have to force myself to go to sleep.

These pesky thoughts are a constant reminder that I'm lonely.

So it's great that I can escape them on nights like last night. Thriller LIVE (yes, again) with my ride or die chicks; the girls I met and have grown with through our late teens, early adulthood. These women know who I am, sometimes more than I do.

We sang, we danced, we laughed and we cried from laughing so hard. By the time we hugged and said our goodbyes, the smile on my face was there to stay for the rest of the evening.

Earlier in the day I'd signed up to a happiness challenge called #100happydays and I knew, even before I'd met them at our agreed spot, that they were my happiness on Day One. And when I fell asleep last night, my mind didn't wander, it didn't settle on my loneliness, it just drifted off into a warm nothingness where I replayed the night.

Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives and remembering what one receives. 

Alexander Dumas

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Too good to be true

Have you ever felt like the stars had aligned and everything was finally going your way?

Your ego is being stroked - in a PC kind of way.

People are talking to you and about you as though your not the 'fake' you're always afraid of being found to be.

Your passions and interests are merging to create the 'dream' job.

The future is being painted in bright positive colours that call out to you.

You're dancing in the sunshine, in your prettiest dress, twirling, twirling... and then the skies open suddenly and it's raining all over your beautiful picture. Those clear, defined lines, now smudges on an old canvas - the dull picture from before becoming visible once again.

I know, it's shit.

But despite this hiccup, what is already going right for you?

Remind yourself of those things and don't allow the negative in. In may not have worked out this time round but it doesn't mean that it won't.

Get back to what you were doing and put in an extra 10%. Do it for you, to know that you mean business in everything that you do, whether you like it or not - remember?

We'll see who gets the last laugh....

We're not old, we're retro - rant

Another one bites the dust.

My friend is pregnant. In the last 6 months she's found the love of her life and now, she's pregnant.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I knew it would be him :) they light up around one another but, I'm sad too. Not because I'm losing another friend to motherhood, it's more selfish than that; it's because I'm exactly in the same place as I was 5 years ago... getting over a boy, not sure what I'm doing with life. 

It's a numbing reality. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with work. Two weeks of Jan have passed and they have done so like thieves in the night, without me noticing. It's a sobering thought that time can pass so silently. 

I know why I'm freaking out. I've got 9 weeks left. This year, my 30th year, started on such a high, had a drastic dip and has now plateaued. I had imagined it SO differently. 

If you had the option to read about what would happen in your life over the next year, would you? I think after the last year... I might consider it, just to prepare myself for ANYTHING. 

I promise, I'm not drunk. Still sober 19 days in. I think this is a sugar rant, or lack of. 

One step at a time x

What's stopping you?!

Am I waiting for things to get better instead of just making them happen?

Because:
I'm unsure of what I want
I'm scared
I still want what I once had

So many reasons, barriers, excuses and all of them feel valid at the time said.

But then I think, a year ago I really struggled to run for 5 minutes consistently. I wanted to be better so I tried a little bit harder every time. Now I can run, comfortably, for just over an hour and I'm aiming for a half marathon next year.

It's all about taking baby steps. That's why I'm not pushing myself to feel 100% normal, 100% of the time.

I need to figure out what is really bothering me, what areas of my life I can improve and how?

Tonight I'm off out to see some fireworks with a friend. It's not going to be a late one so I should get home in good time to take a look at this: 

It's a wheel of life. 

If I can chart where I feel I am in each area NOW to identify what areas I'd like to improve and then jog down some action points to make them better, with a deadline - because every goal needs a deadline, perhaps I will stop feeling so listless in this immense period of change?! 

Will report back :D 

Happy People

I'm back with this topic again because right after I posted the last one I had a shitty experience, which brought my mood and energy levels right down so...

Can you make yourself happier? 

This week I met a girl who had recently broken up with her boyfriend – 6 weeks ago – and she was walking on air. She told me that she’d since been doing any and everything that she’d ever wanted to do but felt hadn’t had time to do before, like late night museum visits, 11am clubbing on a Sunday, dining out more nights in the week than she should.

I could kind of relate. Since becoming single I have found that I’m making an effort to be out more, I’m more open to new experiences and I’m definitely dining out more; but am I in the same boat?

I know I’m doing all of these things because I have more time, but nothing stopped me from doing all this stuff when I was in a relationship, I just chose to spend my time with my significant other. I used to look forward to getting home after work and seeing him, even if that time was spent playfully nagging him to turn his phone on silent because he never stopped getting BBMs, emails, phone calls, etc and the vibrate annoyed me, or catching up on Inside the Actor's Studio sprawled across the sofa and each other.

He never stopped me from going to the gym, he never frowned on me going out for impromptu after work drinks, or grabbing a burrito with a mate instead of coming home for a home cooked meal, I did.

Which made me question:

Are we our own barriers to happiness? 

I’ve read up on this subject a lot over the last 3 months, and it’s the same message: The person you can change the easiest is you.

If you’re unhappy about something, most of the time your ego holds onto it and won’t let go of the fact that you cannot change it. This brings more pain that has especially to do with trying to control others or external situations.

Meh – never happy reading that crap but ultimately they’re right. My ego is bruised from being ‘dumped’, that word used to make me feel angrily motivated but now it makes me cringe. I don’t seek revenge but I cannot let go.

Anyhoo, happy people are more adaptable; they adjust themselves to accept what is not possible. In my case, getting back together with my ex. I’m at the stage of our break-up where I’m asking myself whether it’s what I truly want, or if I just miss what we had.

When we were together I never questioned what it was about our relationship that made me happy, I just knew I was and I’m glad I lived that way. I think we make things far too complicated by analysing ‘why?’

Make a change, by smiling and laughing! 

Research shows that you will feel better for smiling and laughing, even when you don’t feel like it! Your brain registers the movements of the muscles in your face when you smile and then releases hormones and chemicals that make you feel good. Your improved emotions will make it easier to change how you are thinking.

Positive thoughts make you happy and by training your brain to think more positively than negatively, you’ll become… happier YAY.

I read that it can be as easy as you adding a “but” to turn your unhappy thought into happier thought.

For example:
“I’m so unfit but I am now exercising and I’m getting fitter every day!” – started out as a negative thought, but got twisted into a positive thought. The result? One step closer to happiness!

If all else fails, fake it till you make it.

Let’s go get happy!

Working towards HAPPINESS - blog post 100

Well here we are, blog post 100. It should be something special. It should be something people will remember. Ultimately, it should be about something other than HIM. So I'm marking this milestone with a topic/s that is close to my heart - Happiness.

Back in June I wrote a post about LOVE and how it makes me happy. Little did I know at that point that the sun was about to set on that chapter of my life. So for the last 3 months I've been doing a lot of questioning.

AGM...

What really makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What are your core values? 

Funnily enough, all this questioning fell at the same time that I was preparing for my work appraisal, which I'm having this week by the way - yes 3 months later - and I found it SO hard to answer. I trawled the Internet for examples of goals to help me form my own responses.

I've never known what it is that I wanted to do as a career.

I've had roles in Marketing, where I found my love for writing; as a Lettings Negotiator, where I realised my need to be honest and helpful to others in finding what they are looking for; Events / Programme Co-ordination in learning environments, which honed my fulfilment for helping other achieve their development goals and now I'm a Training Manager, where I aim to assist colleague reach their full potential in our working environment.

I never set my mind to follow this path, I've simply found myself in these positions. I seem to be naturally drawn towards supportive roles, which I see as requiring 'maternal' skills - not to say that these skills are not also displayed by men, just that they are usually more prominent in females.

Anyway, LOVE still makes me happy even though my present situation makes me sad - I LOVE a lot. In the meantime:

What do I enjoy doing and what really makes me happy? 

Spending time with friends, going to the movies, fancy dress with friends/colleagues, being introduced to new music, looking and feeling amazing, going to gigs and dancing like nobody's watching, laughing so hard I might fart but I definitely snort, shopping (even when I don't have the money), being able to run further and faster than the last time I tried, hula hooping, knowing I have fun times planned with great people, the sun shining, wearing joggers and a hoodie eating popcorn and drinking tea on a comfy sofa, walks in nature, the beach (UK or abroad) and finally, loving and being loved - never gonna stop x 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins

One of those days

Already today most things are annoying me.

I'm too hot

My head itches (apparently it's where my scalp is exposed)

I can't sleep properly, because of all this hair, so I'm tired 

Every song that plays on my iTunes this morning is making me think of him

And, oh yeah I seem to have mislaid some of my salary this month *rolls eyes*

Luckily two things today make this all bearable:

1. I'm going to see my favourite auntie and my grandparents 
2. IT'S FRIDAY

I'm almost as excited about that last one as I would be if someone told me we'd be getting paid today!

I've also kind of found my outfit for my colleagues birthday party. I think I mentioned this before, it's a 90's themed fancy dress party and me, along with 4 others, are going as spice girls. Can you guess who I'm going to be?

Of course, Scary!

Now had this party been a month ago, I'd already have the perfect hair for it but as it happens I'm going to need to locate a wig for the occasion. I'm sorry, what? eBay, I hear you say? Uh huh - purchased for £5. Hmm, now I'm starting to see where my money is going and it's all stuff that I'll only wear on occasion... but at least I'll look bloody fantastic.

Happy Friday everybody!

D is for desperate (break-up mind dump)

I've not done one of these for a while, for which I'm grateful; but it becomes necessary when your mind is a whirlwind of questions, theories on what happened, and possible solutions.

This is what I'm working with:
1) He's not 100% sure he wants to have children with me
2) He feels I'm holding back on my career because I'm waiting for the marriage and the children
3) He's believes I deserve to be loved 100%
4) He has love FOR me… feels protective of me and cares about me
5) He feels SAD about everything

But I bet he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night paralysed with sadness about his dreams having been swept away, that a group of amazing people have just been removed from his life, that past happiness is now in doubt of ever being real, and the sad realisation that his ability as a partner has been under question for over a year…

I am deluding myself into believing that he's going through some 'stuff' that has absolutely nothing to do with me but he just feels that he needs to do this to sort it all out... it's so much easier to believe that over 'he's just not that into you'.

I feel empty. I bet he doesn't feel that either.

How can this be happening when it all seemed so perfect. We laughed, we talked, we planned, we shared, I loved…

The crazy thing is that if he took my hand this evening and told me that he's not sure he's doing the right thing and asked if we could work it out - I wouldn't hesitate. As far as I'm concerned there is something wrong in his head because this decision he's made, it's completely out of character. And then I question, how well do I really know him?

I thought I had found that grown up love. I thought we made each other happy.

I made him an offer last week. "Go! Go and experience that life you are craving on your own. Find that part of yourself you feel is missing, then come back to me because we are not finished." He acknowledged it but never agreed or disagreed to it.

In limbo I must float I guess because asking him anything else just makes me feel desperate, and though I feel it I don't want to show him. The person I am right now (the person he has made me) is not the person he fell in love with, if he ever loved me.

Feeling HOT, HOT, HOT

Sweaty doesn't even begin to describe it. Add sticky, thirsty, uncomfortable and, for some, a little smelly to the mix and we might be getting somewhere.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the sunshine. It makes most people happier, friendlier sometimes more outgoing!

We wait months and months, praying for a summer to rival The Med islands we now pay a fortune to visit for a week or two and when we get it, EVERYONE starts to complain.

HA!

I may have a need for a cold shower and reapply the sweat smudged make-up by the time I've walked to work but isn't it glorious?

This is from my lunch break!!!!

"I'm loving it, loving it, loving it"