Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

A Year On: Taking Control

Last night before bed I did some Ab work. I intended on getting up this morning to do them again but I chose to stay in bed and snooze.

When I'm looking at exposing my stomach to the world in less than 6 weeks, I really need to make defining them a priority but I guess I can't want it that bad if I opt to sleep over having a decent brekkie and a quick workout before my morning shower.

I had M&S cornflakes instead for breakfast, which by the way taste nothing like Kellogg's. In fact they are thicker and therefore chewier. I don't like them. I meant to pick up my smoothie from the fridge to have on the bus ride in but forgot it.

So now it's 11.12 am and I've already had my fruit snack. My stomach is crying for some food but I refuse to give in and have my crisps - I just cannot condone snacks like that before noon.

I plan to do some interval training tonight to get my sweat on and follow that up by some weights. Squats & lunges are on my mind…. as well as lunch. What's the canteen got on the menu today? Fish… might need to go to the salad bar and get some chicken or a damn burrito - I'm verging on HANGRY.

Four hours later

I stuffed my face.

Had a curried chicken stir-fry/paella-esque thing with roasted vegetables and roasted chicken. It was delicious.

Enjoyed a cup of tea, whittled my unread emails down by half and finally finished the report for my boss with a working table of contents, which I had to Google in order to get working.

I've also asked a boy out.

the decision came from a little bit of peer pressure but also, I just need to get out there. I spend most of my free time on the sofa, which isn't healthy.

I'm in my early 30's, I'm good looking, smart and funny. I'm wasted sitting at home, even if I'm there with the girls. It's time I put on my gladrags and stepped out into the world, I've got enough clothes for it after all #guilty #ebaying.

No response yet but at least I'm taking control.

And on that note, I really need to review my coaching action points....

Hopeless Romantic

The door opens and then closes heavily a couple of seconds later.

The sound of keys dropped in a glass bowl resound and I hear her footsteps progressing towards the front room, where I'm sat watching television. But I'm now looking at the doorway, waiting.

I can tell from her stride that she's had a couple of drinks; and suddenly she there, smile on her face and cheeks a little flushed.

We catch eyes and laugh. She stumbles over to where I'm sitting and flops down on the sofa next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Are you in love?"
"I'm in love Amy."

Said at the exact same time, we giggle together. This has happened a couple of times. It's a harmless inside joke, that after a couple of drinks on a date she's in love. Rose tinted glasses working their magic on life, making it all seem so wonderful.

I envy it.

I'm having a hard time not to feel jaded towards the idea of love at the moment. I know what the real thing feels like and I guess I'm still clinging to it.

They never last though, these dates. After the second or third, the novelty has worn off. But that first date :) it even brings me a tingle of excitement and I'm not the one going on it.

#NeverGiveUpOnLove

No Love Allowed

I live with 3 beautiful women. That's not me being nice, these girls are gorgeous.

Each of them smart, funny and cultured. Found each other by chance, and it was the best thing that could have happened for me.

What do we have in common? We're single in London.

Whether fresh out of a relationship, been single for a while, suffering from trust issues, the one thing we all agree we crave is simple love and affection.

And it's proving hard to find someone on the same page.

Using a variety of means to meet someone new, it seems there is just too much temptation for some guys to remain keen enough to move passed the first or second date. Some don't even put in the effort to make it that far.

As much as I personally crave the attention and the physical affection (not referring to sex here) I'm also very aware that my heart is still healing, despite it nearly being a year, but I don't want anyone serious. There will be no Mr. Right. I'm not ready, it's still too raw.

I just want some good company, someone to laugh with, someone to talk to. It's probably what I miss the most.

Feeding or bruising the ego

At what point should I get offended that I just cannot seem to secure a date?

I've not been on Tinder since the beginning of Jan. That date has put me off a little.

But I did match with another guy, who seemed super keen, organised a date with me then cancelled the day before - something about a funeral for his step mum's sister-in-law - and then didn't contact me for a week. When he did it was like "Hey been busy with work and extra-curricular activities. Will be available in a week. Hope I'm still in your considerations" like I'm sitting at home in my onesie, drinking wine with my housemates every night... which is totally what I'm doing.

But not only that, in the last month I've had TWO guys from my past message me out of the blue, both who are now married with children. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?

Is this what I've got to look forward to? Now that I'm wandering in to district 31 all that awaits me are guys who think I must be desperate enough to become a home wrecker? No thanks.

Someone said to me today, a guy I might add, that all my past relationships and flings have ended because the men I've liked/loved have not quite been ready to take care of a woman like me.

Well, as much as I'd love to be taken care of, I'd just really like someone nice to share my life experience with, even the mundane experiences like a bad wax - you know?

Waiting for the phone to ring

I've never been very good at the whole dating thing. I've kind of just ended up getting into relationships with friends, or friends of friends.

They already know some or all of my 'special' qualities so I'm more comfortable around and that makes the flirting side of things A LOT easier.

My ex and I met under special circumstances. We took things into our own hands. If we hadn't I'm sure we would probably have never met. And, though it ended, we had a great time together.

So here I am, single, my heart on the mend and a recent influx of male attention. A guy has asked me out on a date, we've confirmed the day but not the time and that's the last I've heard from him.

I refuse to get in contact with him first but am I entitled to feel pissed off with the fact we've not communicated for over 5 days?

I feel like calling the whole thing off just out of principle.

Urgh, what a headache!

The Date

I've decided to accept that I simply cannot control my heart. It wants what it wants.

Kind of like when my body craves chocolate or sugary goods around the time of the month all women, and possibly men too, hate.

So drawing on the limited learning I've gained from my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course, I'm trying to change the way I interpret and respond to my surroundings.

Step 1: Be more active in terms of socialising and 'putting oneself out there'

Step 2: Strike up conversation with someone (a guy)

Step 3: Exchange numbers

Step 4: If you're not totally weirded out by the guy, set up a date

Step 5: Go on said date

So, that's what I've done; I've gone on my first date… It wasn't terrible but I'd rather not do it again.

He'll probably google my name now and read this but I have to be honest.

It wasn't him, I just didn't feel anything and in fact, we spent a great deal talking about our exes. Today was his ex's birthday and my 6th month anniversary. Dates to be remembered and not for the 5 beers and forced conversation.

Still, I did it and it was relatively painless... about as fun as a wax, which reminds me...