Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

Open Your Ears

Spotify has often been my saviour.

When a mood hits me, music has often been the one thing that can determine whether it’s a good or bad day.

Coming back to work after a nasty stint of the flu, having to force yourself to concentrate on a brightly lit screen for 8 hours of your day, enclosed by white brick and glass, I turned to Spotify for entertainment and, I’m happy to say, I was not disappointed.

I’m a big fan of Ben Howard. I love his heartfelt words and recent dark, gripping guitar rifts. So I put my trust in Spotify’s Discover and ’opened my ears’ to Nick Mulvey. I was half way through his 2014 album ‘First Mind’ and I was already recommending him to friends I thought would appreciate him.

His song ‘April’ reminds me of my favourite Howard song on the latest album, ‘In Dreams’, because of it’s haunting effect. I’m a sucker for music that makes me feel, and I really like this album.

It’s also the kind of thing I think my ex would like, so if by chance he reads this - Get on it! I think you’ll particularly like Juramidam.  

"Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours". 

Elton John  

GOOD friends

Recently I always seem to be in and out of a funny head space. And when I'm in those lows it's because I feel like I'm missing out on things.

People all around me are either buying houses, getting married, or having babies. And it's clear to me in those moments that he was right, I want or I'm ready for those things now.

I'm dead set on getting myself in serious shape and I'm trying to make the best of things at work in an effort to set myself up for a decent career in the future, but late at night, when the lights are out and the housemates are all settled, I think about these things.

Sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm deep into a scenario in my head and I have to force myself to go to sleep.

These pesky thoughts are a constant reminder that I'm lonely.

So it's great that I can escape them on nights like last night. Thriller LIVE (yes, again) with my ride or die chicks; the girls I met and have grown with through our late teens, early adulthood. These women know who I am, sometimes more than I do.

We sang, we danced, we laughed and we cried from laughing so hard. By the time we hugged and said our goodbyes, the smile on my face was there to stay for the rest of the evening.

Earlier in the day I'd signed up to a happiness challenge called #100happydays and I knew, even before I'd met them at our agreed spot, that they were my happiness on Day One. And when I fell asleep last night, my mind didn't wander, it didn't settle on my loneliness, it just drifted off into a warm nothingness where I replayed the night.

Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives and remembering what one receives. 

Alexander Dumas

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Are you healing through music?

So, I'm listening to two new albums at the moment. The artists and feel of the music couldn't be more different but both are striking a cord with me.

Arctic Monkeys released their new album this week, AM. Starting off with "Do I Wanna Know", where several lyrics mirror my state of mind:

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat...

(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay...

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new...

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts...

Fireside, which is not only a tune you can easily bop to whilst walking down the street, it speaks to my soul - I know kinda deep but honestly, give it a listen. Alex T is clearly talking from experience and he puts it beautifully, in a twisted descriptive way.

I love the way he puts the absence of a loved one:

Like in my heart there's that hotel suite and you lived there so long, 

It's kinda strange now you're gone

And

And I thought I was yours forever

Maybe I was mistaken but I just cannot manage to make it through the day

Without thinking of you lately

Oh my god! 

Anyway, in general the album flows through an array of emotions about having lost someone you love with catchy beats and chorus'. It's an album anyone can relate to whether they've been in love or had an unhealthy crush - you know what I'm talking 'bout!

The other is London Grammar's debut album, If You Wait.

Haunting melodies and insightful lyrics, these guys tap into the dark and twisty side of your emotions evoking thoughtful analysis of what you really want out of life and love. Phew! That was a bit deep, huh? But their album review by WHATCULTURE quoted "A combination of ambience, trance and a classical aura create an intoxicating blend which somewhat demands you to listen to them."

Metal and Dust paints the picture of all relationships that are built and then crumble, offering their observation in both verses:

And so, you built a life on trust

Though it starts, with love and lust

And when your house, begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

And all foundation that we made

Built to last, they disintegrate

And when your house begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

Flickers is more about those haunting - there's that word again - images and thoughts of the person who left you behind. Much like my post "Full of you". The guitar and bass rifts gives it an uplifting reggae feel. But it's the chorus:

And everytime I go to bed

An image of you flickers in my head

And everytime I fall asleep

An image of you flows in my dream

I think my favourite part of the song is towards the end around the 2.50-3 min mark when the beat kicks in a bit more and Reid draws you in with her own rifts. I get goosebumps listening to it.

Last but not least, the title track "If You Wait".

And if you wait 

I will trust in time that we will meet again

Have a listen to both, even if you think either are not really your cup of tea musically. Open yourself up.

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.

Seven days (Day 6)

I wake up, exhausted. There's light shining through my curtains but it sounds like its raining. I was planning on going out for a run. I don't want to go anywhere in this weather but I have a schedule to keep. 

So he did message me after all. I read it once my eyes have adjusted to the world again. Why am I so tired? 

Even though its raining, I'm trying to think of ways I could go without getting too wet, or more to the point, without getting my new trainers and iPhone wet. 

I tidy my room as I wait for my housemate to get out of the bathroom. Once he is, I'm in and out like a shot, gym gear on and old trainers for the walk. It's not that warm out and there's a breeze that chills you to the core. 

I manage 5 miles on a random programme but I walk the last fifteen minutes and feel like a bit of a failure. I walk home, looking forward to my shower. The house is empty so I put on the radio, letting it play whilst I'm washing my hair. I put on a load of washing and paint my toenails as I wait for it to finish. 

I'm not going to make it to Camden and back in time for my wax appointment so I take the time to epilate my legs, paint my finger nails and relax. I'm not meeting him till five pm now anyway. 

I wear my new paisley dress with my blue converse (the ones I won in Bidding Wars) throwing a denim jacket over my shoulders as it's breezy out. The wax is painful and I end up with a lot less than I expected - can anyone say Hollywood?! A misunderstanding which I pay for in more ways than one. 

I'm waiting around forever because he's pushed the meeting time back half an hour and it's now that I realise I haven't eaten anything. I grab a portion of chips and walk around Brick Lane for a bit. It's getting cold so I decide to head towards the flat anyway, I still know the code to get in the building an if I need to I'll wait in the hallway for him. But as I near the block of flats he texts me that he's home.

Here we go...

We're drinking beer as he eats and already I want him. I'm sitting in the front room watching TV whilst he's in the shower. Now I need a wee. My left foot is aching, probably from all the exercise and running I'm doing now that I never did before. Shock to the body, I guess. He kindly performs some MAT on my foot and ankle, which makes a massive difference in the tightness I am feeling. Now the right needs some work :)

Turns out he's got the wrong date and the gig's in a month's time. I'm thinking I should go home but I don't, I stay because I miss him and this is an opportunity to not be alone. BUT, to get through tonight I've got to stop thinking about him as my ex and see him as my friend; we're just going out for drinks. It's hard.

Even as we're walking down the street towards a bar, I'm aware of the distance between us. We stop at traffic lights, waiting for them to change and we're literally people apart. A stranger looks at me and then him and I feel as though he knows... this is not an awkward first date, it's an awkward break-up get together.

When we get to the entrance of the bar, we're actually pretty hungry again. There's plenty of places to chose from but we end up in The Diner. It's here I let my guard slip. He lets on that he's been too busy this week to think about things - I don't say this but my mind is screaming:

I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS

Here's where we differ. Here's where I should pick up my big girl panties and move on, never to look back, but here's where the wounds of my heart start to weep because he's getting on just fine without me.

Dinner ends on a bum note but we walk back to the bar anyway. He asks me if I actually want to go in as we're waiting in the queue outside, and I'm torn between running home to cry or taking my friend's advice: Go out and have a fabulous time. It might be your last. 

We go in, have a couple of nice drinks, check out the dancefloor, have a laugh about him thinking a song was called "Niggas in France" when it was called "Better than Prince" and he puts his arm around me... it's a friendly gesture, it's a friendly gesture, it's a friendly gesture.

Drinks run low, the music isn't great, the night has come to an end.

He walks me to the nearest bus stop and waits with me for the bus to arrive. We hug goodbye. I don't want to cry, I just don't want to go. He's not the bad guy, he's just had a change of heart, which can't be helped.

I get back to an empty house again, which is fine because all I'm going to do is curl up and go to sleep. It's eleven thirty-four pm and I wish I was climbing into bed next to someone who loves me... one day I hope.