50 Shades Of The Same Old Ish

After work failed to pay us at the end of Jan (there was a reason but the minus sums in my account seemed to speak louder than those excuses) I started to panic about my attitude to money.

I love buying new clothes - I feel like I'm always writing about this, perhaps I am. I really enjoy being able to reinvent my look or just buying the smaller size in something I already own because I've lost a couple of pounds #WIN

Recently my purchases have been sport related because I'm doing more of it; but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm spending money when I probably shouldn't. 

So I'm adopting a new attitude; trying it on for size for a month and then review how I've done.

There are so many places I'd like to visit, experiences I'd like to have this year and I need my game face.

So far this year I've been pretty good at working towards strength but I know I can achieve more.

Enough of this 'same old same'.

I have some really amazing friends, I live in one of the most connected cities in the world, I need to start utilising my time better, get out there and explore to world... well maybe not the world but definitely the UK. 

Edinburgh for Easter is booked, a trip to the Lake District needs to happen and a visit to Bournemouth - if I want to move there I should at least go there for a day trip. 

Life is what you make of it... so I'm letting my creative juices flow! 

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Under the weather

What does that even mean? Whatever it is, I feel it.

Maybe it's the shock of doing serious exercise or the dramatic reduction in 'crap' but my body just cannot handle it. I'm annoyed though because I had a flu jab before Christmas and suddenly I'm experiencing flu-like symptoms.

When will winter be over?! I'm done with the dark, cold, the wet and windy - unless that's the name of an awesome cocktail. In which case, I'll be seeing you in February ;)

I can see why people who vow not to touch a drop to drink throughout Jan as a New Year's Resolution fail miserably and end up rob ably drinking more in the first 2 weeks of Jan than they did all of December. It's a crappy month. It's dark, you're back at work, you're broke because of Christmas, the weather is shite, etc

But don't lose hope.

If you are on that 'Dry Jan' journey like me, and have found yourself succumbing to winter weariness, treat yo self!

Schedule in a few evenings or days in the month where you do something for you. Be it time to soak in the bath reading a trashy novel, pampering yourself with a face steam/mask (boys too), doing your nails, watching your favourite programme or films back to back.

Turn off your phone. Log off Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tinder/POF and relax. Instead of that boring piece of chicken breast for dinner, grab a steak. Do something you love but feel you never have time for. Summer will soon be around, your social calendar will fill up and you'll really have time for yourself.

Use these annoying dull days to do something for you - even if that's planted to the sofa recovering from a stupid cold like me *sniff*

What do I want?

So this weekend I spent Saturday wandering around Home-ware stores with my mum fantasising about how we would kit out our homes if:
1) I won the lottery and bought a cottage down by the sea
2) Mum kicked my brother and sister out and had the place to herself

I feel more motivated now to make that dream come true. I can actually visualise it, and we all know what happens when you visualise… :D

I'm still very wistful about my situation with him but I guess it's all part of letting go of those dreams you had of your future together. Just because he's no longer part of them, doesn't mean I can't still have what I dreamed of.

A lot of my friends are studying hard to better their present situations, putting in the work now preparing for the future and I feel like I've been neglecting that for a long time.

A lot of it comes from the reality of me just not knowing what I want out of life; and a situation one of my closest friends is going through has made me question how much importance I put on financial stability, career stability and overall 'SUCCESS' when all I want is to be happy, and in fact striving to achieve these things makes me unhappy… hmmmmmmm.

I found this interesting article on LinkedIn about being bored rather than busy, and this snippet made SO much sense:

"So many of us desperately want to feel alive—but instead, we’re left chasing our own tails, always hoping that this next thing will be the thing that saves us.

It’s sort of like what happens when you want something to eat, but you aren’t sure what. So you start by making yourself a sandwich, but soon realise that wasn’t it. So you go for some potato chips, but that wasn’t it. So you have a few spoonfuls of ice cream, but that wasn’t it. So you migrate to leftover spaghetti, but that doesn’t do the trick either. Now you’re onto a bag of marshmallows, but STILL NOT HITTING THE SPOT, and the more you eat, the more annoyed you get, because even though you’re stuffed you’re still craving that ONE THING and you don’t know what it is so you go ahead and HELP YOURSELF TO EVERY REFRIGERATOR!"

So what do I want?

Love, in the romantic sense :)
Always top of my list and presently an area I'm not doing well in AT ALL

A place in the country
I'm only going to be able to own if I win the money, have it bought for me or cease having a social life for the rest of my days in order to save the money myself

To go on a Salsa holiday for a couple of weeks
Cuba, South America

To work for myself
Doing what, I've no idea yet :) to be brainstormed in 'What do I want: part two'

Family
And by that I mean one of my own; children, a husband/better half, family dog… eventually

They say life is what you make it and I think a lot of people make it about money & success, but to whose definition of the words?!

For me, if I manage to GET that cottage/house by the sea I'll know that I have definitely succeeded in something - who wouldn't be happy watching the sunset across the sea from their own garden?

Seven days (Day 4)

Ugh, I wake up drunk.

I literally roll out of bed, as late as I can, and into the shower. The water feels like a hammer to my body but the heat is at least waking me up. It's foggy out but the weather man has promised sunshine later so I'm wearing a summer dress. I slip on a pair of my new trainers, grab my overnight bag and head out the door throwing a "Morning, Goodbye" towards my housemate.

It's not cold out but I keep my cardi on as I walk to work. The state I'm in, I need the fresh air. I take the same route as yesterday and it takes exactly 45 minutes. That's not a bad walk if I can manage it at least 5-6 times a week, there or back.

The first thing I do before even speaking to anyone in the office is top up my litre water bottle. I'm going to need it today. I haven't got a headache but I feel tired and a little sick. Breakfast this morning was an apple and a banana yazoo. Breakfast of champions.

I have a meeting at ten am. I take my water with me. It lasts longer than expected but that's okay because it means most of the morning has gone. It's half twelve when I start thinking about lunch. My head just isn't in the game today.

Oomph - I need food. I've just hit that low.

So I bought a dress on Sunday and although it looked nice, it wasn't really ME. I walk to Angel's Chapel Market at lunch to exchange it for a lovely pink paisley one in the same style. I didn't bring lunch in today because, well I had a liquid dinner last night, so I opt for a burrito - regret it as soon as I take the last bite because I just want to sleep now.

The afternoon passes at a snails pace and I'm dreading Boxercise later. My colleague is telling me that I shouldn't really do any exercise because I'm dehydrated. If I don't go, I'll have skipped exercise for 3 days running. For the old Amy that would have been acceptable but not this version.

Finish my 2 ltrs of water, but I think I should try another. Still got an hour and a half to go till I can get out of here. I'm playing about with a spreadsheet in an attempt to tidy up one of our many processes and it makes me frustrated that this simple task hasn't already been done. Ooh, my fingers ache - interesting. Could I get away with a bowl of cereal?

I treat myself to a walk and buy some Sweet 'n' Salt popcorn, a small bag of almonds and one of those Naked smoothies from Sainsbury's. Arctic Monkeys have a new tune out so that's on repeat a few times as I wait for the day to come to a close. Starting to feel that sleepiness again.

I get a phone call from St. Mungo's. I'm going over to see them in a couple of weeks about being a volunteer. I might as well put my new found free time to good use.

Forty minutes left.

Today has been a pretty shocking day in terms of dragging it's butt! I think that's partly down to the fact that I've not got much to do at the moment and also the affect of the alcohol. I manage one more glass of water before I leave.

The journey to my mum's is hot and sticky but at least I get a seat. I have to be quick about it. I almost give it away because the other person going for it gives me a pleading look; any other day... I ignore the lool and make myself comfortable, well that is until a pregnant lady gets on and there's no hesitation. The bloke that was sitting next to me looks sheepish and so he should.

I won't have time to eat dinner so I'm snacking on the almonds for energy. I'm close to calling time on the Boxercise idea though, I feel so rough.

I get in and decide I'm not going, but mum and I go for a forty-five minute walk before having dinner. I'm tired and not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's nine twenty pm.

I shower before bed and end up ridiculously hot. I lie awake for a little while and start thinking about him. I'm upset I've not heard from him and with each day that passes, it's becoming more and more real - this is never going to change. 

I cry. It's ten past eleven pm.

Seven days (Day 2)

I'm dreaming. It's a nice dream, at least I think it is. I feel relaxed and… happy. However there's a pressure in my body which forces me awake.

I notice that the hall way light is still on, it means my housemate is still up. I get up and go to the toilet, purposefully not turning the light on so I don't wake up fully. Back in bed I can't get comfortable…

It's 5.45 when a screaming child rips me from my slumber WTF? See you your mini person! He shuts up about 15 minutes later and I slip back into slumber reasonably easy.

My alarm goes off as I hear my housemate go into the bathroom, I press snooze. I get up and have a wash, I showered late last night and I've not done anything to get remarkably dirty in the last 8 hours.

Again no breakfast but my bag is packed for the gym again and I've got my lunch. I'm catching the bus to work today. I plan to get off early and head to the supermarket. I'm picking up some cereal so I can have breakfast at work. I'm not prepared to wake up earlier to enjoy it at home.

The first half of my day passes unremarkably. I manage to secure a black Flapper dress on eBay for my sister but spend most of the morning emailing friends and uploading information to our online HR system. I have leftovers for lunch.

It's two pm and I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys. I plan to work through a NLP values exercise this afternoon, once I've had an 'informal' meeting about product training.

Oh god, what am I doing in life? Everyone around me appear to have a purpose for their day. My only purpose is to drink a minimum of 1.5 litres of water. I message friends to keep occupied and enjoy regular trips to the toilet - result of drinking so much water.

I read an article about why we fall out of love - interesting!
Our sub-conscious has a compelling drive to repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs. The way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide. It looks for someone who carries all the positive AND negative traits of our caretakers. Although we consciously look for only the positive traits our sub conscious selects the negative as well seeking to heal those traits.
But it's too deep to continue.

I get an email to tell me that my new watch has arrived at it's pick-up point. I'm excited, though I know I've spent far too much money since I got dumped - I like using that word, it makes me angry and anger is a hell of a lot more motivational than sadness. I've made my last luxury purchase for the rest of the month.

I want to eat because I'm bored but I have no snacks. I brought in an apple and plum from home, bought a yogurt and a banana on my way in, and the banana is for an hour before I workout. There are constantly snacks being offered in my office but I refuse to give in.

I stare at the NLP exercise questions. The first exercise is about values. You have to think about the last time you experienced an uncomfortable tug as if you were being pulled away from the path you feel is right for you. Then write down what was or is important to you about that experience. I'm not in the mood to do this. I've also given in and eaten my banana.

I leave five minutes early, like yesterday so I can catch the bus to the gym... 40 minutes later I'm still on the bus no where near my destination. Major traffic! I walk home, attempting to grab some extra veg for dinner this evening - Tesco on Kingsland Road is rubbish! No broccoli? What is the world coming to?!

Dinner is jerk chicken, spring greens, carrots and sweet potato mash. I have a chat on the phone with my nan, eat, sit up and watch The Switch, with my housemate talking over most of it, until my eyelids are fighting me to close. I bid the housemate goodnight and head for my room. I've not heard anything from him but I shouldn't really expect to, still it makes me feel sad. It's eleven o'clock and I'm asleep. 

Working 9 to 5

*Sigh* I'm having trouble at work, in the sense that I never want to be here.

I've never really known what I wanted to do with my life - work wise - and I'm still struggling. I used to work at a college coordinating international visits, but thought I wanted to be a Project Manager. I then got a job as a Project Manager, realised what a thankless job it is and hated every second of it so handed in my notice.

The sense of relief was amazing and I felt free to explore what else was out there. I love the freedom my boyfriend has with his day. Yeah he has to get up at god-awful times in the morning, but he gets to nap during the day. Or if the freaking sun decides to grace us with it's presence, he gets to relax in the park topping up his tan!

Last year I went to a Zumba workshop, bought for me by my boyfriend, which resulted in me obtaining an instructor's certificate. I'd always been far too scared to consider making a living from it but this time round I suddenly had the enthusiasm and gusto to potentially go for it.

Then an opportunity presented itself to me at my old company. I hadn't even finished working my notice yet, but given my feedback as to why I chose to hand in my notice (lack of training) and feedback they had received from others, I was offered the position to set up our own training department. Now, I've got absolutely NO training experience but I want to make this work. If I am passionate about one thing it's supporting the well-being of staff. I know what it's like to have work drive you to depression. Life can be one hell of a bitch at the best of times, so I want to assist with work being the place that helps pay your bills, but also stretches your mind.

So I have days when I'm all go, go, go! And then I hit a wall and all creativity, momentum, motivation disappears and suddenly all I can think about is being at home, nursing the baby my boyfriend refuses to give me at this moment in time :)

I will make something of this role. I have to. I will not be that 30 year old woman who has no idea what she wants or has nothing to show for the 18 years in work.

Powered by such a depressing goal, I'm reaching out to old colleagues who work or worked in Education, Management & Leadership for tips. It's not what you know but who, right?!

Let's get this party started.  

Womb - Office - Tomb

In the last 7 months I've announced "A new start to life" at least 5 or 6 times. And every time it's had its highs and lows.

The highs are when you feel indestructible. You vow never to take any ‘shit’ from any one, ever again. You make plans upon plans so you know exactly what your next steps are; where you are going, when and why. Your days are full. So full that when you finally get home, you are completely exhausted, and just kind of collapse in a heap on your bed. Then you get up and do it all again.

The lows are when you realise that you have no time to yourself to just relax. You are starting to be forgetful and ditzy, you doubt the reasons you are doing something or going somewhere and in the end you suddenly feel as if you are right back where you started.

Since leaving Foxtons, I've not known where I'm going for the best of times. I'm just kind of milling through life, enjoying the time I have free with friends and family. All my life I've been trying to figure out what it is that I'm meant to be doing. Aiming for something because people expect you to make something of yourself.

Well, why?

I don't need, nor want, to be the next successful entrepreneur, or CEO/Marketing Director blah blah blah of any business! Yes, I want to make money so I can live comfortably. Yes, I want to be able to afford my own home at some point, and yes, I want to be able to go on nice holidays. But why am I aiming to reach a position in a company whose workload requires me to stay late, every night, encroaching into my time with the family I hope to have.

I sit at my desk today and make chit chat with the people I work with. They all seem to be really nice, genuinely friendly, but hardly any past me without complaining about being here.

I'm not saying be a bum. Please do go out to work, make that money, and enjoy yourself. I hold high regard for those who know what they want and are on the path to getting it. And I completely understand those who are still looking but are happy to work away until something sticks. Rent and bills have to be paid.

Just don't be taken for a fool.

Just can't be bothered - Another rant at life

Why are some days just SUCH an effort? Once you wake up all you can think about is going back to sleep.

Are there times when you just can't be bothered to:

*Get up in the morning
*Have a shower (I know people who fail to know the importance of being clean)
*Make the journey into work
*Work itself
*Make the journey home from work
*Cook dinner
*Go to the gym
*Wash your hair, dry/wrap it, grease it, straighten it
*even watch TV

And then, finally, you slip under the duvet in your favourite PJs, snuggle down until you're all warm and comfy, you close your eyes and heave out a big sigh because you're happy the day is at an end. And what happens next?

You find you can't BLOODY sleep!

Boredom

As tiredness sets in I just sit and stare at my screen.
I'm itching for the minutes to pass so that I can walk out of here and catch the last of the sun on my face.
I think of the warmth and close my eyes, just for a second.

Fifteen fifty two.
My lids are heavy and TLC plays in my ears
Sipping herbal tea and clicking from one firefox tab to the next.
Fifteen fifty three.
'She' speaks and I listen.
Fifteen fifty four.
Now Hil St. Soul is playing and I doing an online search
Fifteen fifty five.
Fifteen fifty six.
I'm downloading something
Fifteen fifty seven

Just one hour and eighteen minutes to go.

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

There was something about him that made her feel like a sixteen year old, but she just couldn’t quite place her finger on it. His ears stuck out slightly like Will Smith’s and his voice wasn’t exactly the most masculine she’d ever heard. But she found whenever he looked in her direction, her stomach started doing mini somersaults.

Standing out on the patio opposite her desk in his slick black shirt and faded jeans; chatting away on his mobile completely oblivious to the fact that she was staring him down. It was enough to make a girl crazy.

“Come on. Get back to work! He’s not interested. And of course you’ve got a boyfriend at home; who’s planning on leaving your ass in a few weeks, but for now he is still your loving boyfriend.”

And then he glanced up, caught her eye and smiled shyly. Suddenly all thoughts of Matthew melted away and she found herself smiling back, feeling colour flood to her cheeks. Bloody crushes.

It wasn’t anything serious thank god. Once she left the office, he was forgotten and Matthew was her only concern. She wasn’t the cheating type. Oh fantasies were a different area altogether. But they never invaded her and Matthew’s time together. But she did wonder.

Was thinking about another man, just to wile the hours away at work, did they count as being unfaithful? Did they devalue her feelings for Matthew? She did sometimes feel guilty. Imagining that Matthew never thought of anyone else and here she was daydreaming about flirting with this office stranger.

It was silly to dwell on it. Nothing was ever going to develop and as much as she happily wasted her day thinking about it, she didn’t want anything to happen. They were from two different worlds and even after Matthew left, she wasn’t planning on jumping into anything with anyone else for years, well maybe not years but for a while at least.

Why did she do it? Why was she compelled to look at him every time he walked past the office? And why did he look so good to her? She could ask questions about it all day but she’d never find an answer unless she asked him, and that was never going to happen.

In a way the ‘Spring’ office party that evening was the answer to her prayers. Maybe he’d speak to her. She didn’t even want to go really. She didn’t know anyone well enough to give up her time to stand around drinking crap wine with a bunch of pretentious fogies. But he wasn’t a fogie.

They had never really spoken. Not really. A joke or two by the kettle didn’t count as a conversation. And he looked so young. Around her age, but he seemed so good at his job and so confident. The kind of confidence that could only come with experience. Maybe he was just a confident person? She didn’t know anything about him.

She glanced up at the time display on her computer. Five-thirty. Almost time to go home, thank god. Oh damn, the party. Bugger it. Hmmm, make an appearance, have a drink, mingle… a little and then leave. Good plan. Another glance at the time and only seven minutes had passed. It was officially the longest day of her life, she thought. Fuck it, just make an excuse and go home. She couldn’t stand these people anyway.

Grabbing her coat and bag, leaving everything on her desk exactly where it was, mess or not, she switched of the computer and sauntered out of the office. The warm spring wind blowing through her hair and tingling every inch of her skin. At last, she was free.