You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

End Of An Era

Wow.

So the last few months have been a roller coaster and a half; emotionally, physically and professionally.

I have (literally) just finished a massive project at work that has taken over my life since March, and I am leaving my company in 2 weeks to start a new adventure in my career.

The next BIG step.

I'm sad as I write this because I have learned so much since being here; about myself as a person, a friend and a manager.

I've endured some pretty rough personal experiences since being here too and yet I am stronger than ever upon my leaving.

Really, this is a quick post just to say, watch this space... change is a'coming.

HASHTAG On It

So… it's been a while huh? :) 

Nothing really exciting has really happened, but I'm guessing you gathered from my last post that life was pretty busy. 

Work just seemed to get a bit manic all of a sudden, I was spending most weekends studying or attending workshops and then I went on 'holiday' with my niece for a week. 

To say the last 3 months have been a whirlwind in an understatement. 

My diary has become my lifesaver because I'm seriously at the point where I have to schedule time in with myself - yes, it's THAT crazy. 

Apart from days where I've been too exhausted to eat, it's not all been bad. 

I've met some incredibly wonderful people, learnt some really cool things, read some insightful books, been to some awesome places; laughed, cried, danced and suffered horrendous hangovers. And if the weather had been good for the duration, it would have bordered on perfect :) 

I still have a way to go till I'm where I want to be, but I can honestly say that I'm on my way. 

I've taken a little time off from studying but it's time to get back on it, or at least doing some active application. Which reminds me… I need to review my coaching action points and actually do some of them. 

Too much fun makes Amy a procrastinator! 

Growth Of Self: Finding The Time

I think I've been a 'victim' for far too long.

Accepting that you have the ability to create the life you have always dreamt of, can be extremely empowering. I'm literally buzzing with anticipation, excitement, at the possibilities; it's just about finding the time to fit everything in.

I'm blessed to have so many people in my life who want to spend quality time with me, and it does get a tad difficult making sure that I'm giving everyone their due attention, including myself.

I'm trying to read as much as I can, on the bus ride to and from work, just before bed, in the bath; my kindle has never seen so much action! But reading is just the start, in order to get to where I want to be I need to DO something.

I find this a lot easier to apply to things such as fitness... work on the other hand...

A review is in order because right now life is happening to me instead of me creating the life I want to live.

I hear my internal dialogue saying "let's start next week", "what if we wait until after our holiday, when we're rested?" and if I'm honest with myself, I'm listening to it when I shouldn't be because the way things are right now, it doesn't serve me well.

So here I am, Monday afternoon, looking forward to the end of the work day so I can get my fitness on, thinking - what can I do today that my future self will thank me for?

Wishing you a productive day people! 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Six

So I signed up for a 10K run with some friends, as I wrote in Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Three, with an aim to complete in under an hour. 

I'd been training with #LazyGirlRunning since the beginning of January. I signed up because I needed something to motivate me to go running on a regular basis and it was nice to run with other people, even though I'm a complete social retard and tend to stick to myself. 

Over the weeks I noticed that I had more power, I was faster and my level of endurance was higher. So in the end, I smashed the time I was aiming for and completed in under 50 minutes! 

So proud. 

My calves were tight as hell and my left ankle, which has been acting up recently, behaved itself and saw me through. I'm taking a little break to recover but I'm already on the look out for another 10K that I can sign up to.  

On the day we all met up at the registration desk, dropped in our bags and picked up our t-shirts. There was a nice mix of girls and guys and friendly acknowledgement of the times we all wanted to aim for. 

By the first corner, we'd pretty much split up. The boys dashed off, the girls hung back, and I set off at my own pace watching my breathing and trying not to twist my ankles on the verges. 

They - whoever 'they' are - were right when they said running is a mental exercise. I really struggled around 8K; I felt absolutely exhausted and all I could think of was that a half marathon was over twice the distance I was running! Urgh. 

Still, I was stoked with my race time. A few of the guys had finished ahead of me so it was great to have them cheering me on at the finish line, and welcomed the pulled pork sandwich and beer I ordered in a local pub afterwards with great appreciation. 

#LazyGirlRunning starts up again in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to pushing myself a little harder for better results :)      

Keep on running peeps! 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Four

One more week to go and I'll be a year older. 

So far my 30's have presented me with tough life experiences. Though I am not religious in any way I can't help but quote St Paul from Second Corinthians: 

'For when I am weak, then I am strong' 

After each event I've found myself in a strange but familiar darkness where I've experienced an acute anxiety of the future. 

Thursday is counselling day. 

An hour a week I am forced to look at WHY I do things, or think about things the way that I do, so it's no surprise that I have been drawn to topics like 'self-confidence', 'depression' and 'happiness' on TEDTalks.

Interestingly, some of the key messages I picked out fit nicely with the NLP course I'm about to embark on next weekend but also with the conversations I've been having with my counsellor.

When the final wave of my grief over my relationship ending I posted a status on Facebook by Bob Marley about being strong, and in the talk I listened to after last week's session by Andrew Solomon, those words were repeated:

"We seek our identities in the wake of our painful experiences" 

Well, hot damn, that's what I've been doing for the last 6 months... wow, it's been 6 months! How different life could be if I'd made a different decision.  

My favourite talk of them all was one by Shawn Achor 'The Happy Secret To Better Work'. Not only is Shawn an engaging speaker but he puts things into perspective.

The main thing I took away from his talk was the way he broke down the happiness formula that we all probably use:

"If I work harder I'll be successful. 

The more successful I am, the happier I'll be..."

And every time our brains register a success, we change the goal posts of what success looks like! Take this weekend for an example, I ran a 10k for the British Heart Foundation with some work colleagues and got a personal best, in fact I've never come close to getting that time before and yet I'm already scheming how I can better it rather than just being content.  

"If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there."

It's an interesting thing to consider though, no? 

What do you consider to be success and do you allow yourself to enjoy it when you get there or do you immediately move the goal posts and therefore delaying your happiness? 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Three

Qualification Necessity or Fancy? 

I have a perfectionist streak. I like to know that I actually know what I'm doing before I do it. Regardless of whether I'm cooking or working, I want to feel confident that I'm doing it right. 

And that trait is often a major hindrance for me. 

For my birthday one year, my ex bought me what I thought would be a day of Zumba, and at the time I went once a week religiously and RAVED about it to everyone I could. I love to dance around, it makes me feel free and careless. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make, it turned out to be an instructors workshop. At the end of it, you had the 'ability' to be a Zumba instructor… you still had to subscribe to their network, get insurance to instruct and a licence to play music that the ZIN (Zumba instructors network) didn't provide you, but you had the essentials to teach a class. 

I loved Zumba. I was good at most of the steps. When I attended a local class for the first time, the instructor asked if I was one! But I was missing one vital thing… confidence to just do it. I felt I wasn't ready. I made excuses like "I need to be better at Salsa" or said things like "Who would want to pay someone to teach a class, when they're no better than anyone attending?". In the end, a year passed and my certificate became void. 

So I'm sitting here now thinking about what I want to do with my life; not in the big sense because I know, but I'm talking about my next step and I'm contemplating whether I should do a qualification. 

I want to design learning programmes, both face-to-face and online but something inside me, that annoying trait, is telling me that I'll never be sure that I can do it without 15 months of study and a certificate telling me I can… 

So what do I do? 

One of my best friends forward me an article about everything I'm feeling right now. It spoke about finding the courage to rise above your fear - you can find more about this here - but I'm still hesitating... problem is, the fear just feels too strong :( 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part One

Like most Monday mornings, yesterday I found it very hard to get out of bed. I got home from my mum's and went straight to my room were I was reading until late (ish as it was still before midnight) caught up in a romantic piece of chick lit.

Then one of my housemates crashed home at 2 am after a boozy date and woke me up. So I'm tired, and apparently grouchy.

After 3 weeks of feeling poorly, I'm now feeling terribly portly! All this eating and no exercise is expanding my waistline. No fault of my own for a change, it's just amazing what a difference a break away from my routine can do.

So now that I'm back to good health, I just need to retrain my body and brain into the habit of exercising and eating better; as much as sitting on the couch eating ginger-nuts and drinking tea sounds like heaven in this bipolar weather.

• First step is to eat breakfast every day. 
• Second, try to get some protein in there.
• Third, eat a sufficient lunch and dinner.  
• Forth, run home twice a week.

I packed my bag and in it I put... my running kit and I ran home last night.

I decided to take a different route to normal, one I knew put hadn't checked the distance. By the time I got to just over 4km I could feel a dirty stitch developing underneath my ribs. I tried to run through it but it made me feel like I wanted to be sick so I gave into it, I finished logging my run and walked it out.

I didn't want to give up. I knew if I hadn't got the pain I'd have been able to run the whole way. Instead of letting the negative thoughts overcome me and giving up, I started a new workout and began jogging in a new direction. The pain was gone, my legs were still feeling okay, no harm done.

When I got home, dripping with sweat and feeling a tad over heated, I'd covered a longer distance in just over my normal time - chuffed to bits. Going to try to better this on my next run home. Typical Arian competitive streak coming out.

Getting my SEXY back is just one of the tasks I'm setting myself. There's a lot more to do!

50 Shades Of The Same Old Ish

After work failed to pay us at the end of Jan (there was a reason but the minus sums in my account seemed to speak louder than those excuses) I started to panic about my attitude to money.

I love buying new clothes - I feel like I'm always writing about this, perhaps I am. I really enjoy being able to reinvent my look or just buying the smaller size in something I already own because I've lost a couple of pounds #WIN

Recently my purchases have been sport related because I'm doing more of it; but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm spending money when I probably shouldn't. 

So I'm adopting a new attitude; trying it on for size for a month and then review how I've done.

There are so many places I'd like to visit, experiences I'd like to have this year and I need my game face.

So far this year I've been pretty good at working towards strength but I know I can achieve more.

Enough of this 'same old same'.

I have some really amazing friends, I live in one of the most connected cities in the world, I need to start utilising my time better, get out there and explore to world... well maybe not the world but definitely the UK. 

Edinburgh for Easter is booked, a trip to the Lake District needs to happen and a visit to Bournemouth - if I want to move there I should at least go there for a day trip. 

Life is what you make of it... so I'm letting my creative juices flow! 

Change In Perspective

Christmas is often a time for reflection on the year just passed. People start thinking about what went well, what didn't and what they want to achieve in the next year.

Last year was a lousy time for me. But this year I feel... different; more positive.

To quote my favourite song at the moment:

"I'm focused on my future, I've settled on the past"

A lot of sh*t went down in 2014. There were high times and some serious lows, but I'm still standing - taller than ever.

I am perfectly imperfect and everything that I do from hereon in will be focused on perfecting those perfect imperfections because that's what makes me ME.

Merry Christmas!

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

Tick Tock

It's been highlighted to me more than once in the last 6 months that I'm expect a lot from myself and I guess I do put a bit of pressure on myself to be better, looker sexier or be funnier or smarter now I'm single. 

But then I think, well hang on a minute, you should be a bit hard on yourself because you've got a lot to prove. It's that old comparison of where I am versus where I think I should be rearing it's ugly head again.

I live in shared accommodation, I barely have any savings, my relationship status is currently sitting between nun and no hope, and yes I may adore my housemates and have wonderful friends but London makes me feel isolated, stressed, claustrophobic and like I'm under performing.

It took me over 2 hours to visit a friend on the other side of the city. I could almost make it to my grandparents house in Norfolk in that same time frame. 

I've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and when he and I split I wasn't sure if by making the move I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. But now that I've recovered from everything and my heart is healing finally, it feels like the right decision... for me. 

I woke up yesterday to a WhatsApp message from a fellow Arian:

"You are definitely not a follower, Aries. Then again, while you are certainly capable of being a leader, you often choose to go off in your own direction. Right now the stars are encouraging you to blaze a trail to something exciting and new. There is a path you have been longing to take, and the time is right for taking it. Even if it happens rather offbeat, and even if those in your inner circle don't approve of it, you must do what you must do. Your bold ventures will result in success."

What more do I need to say? 

Mothers and Daughters

I wrote to my mum.

On Sunday night I was wide awake at midnight and I just felt like I needed to stop giving the silent treatment, which wasn't working anyway, and just say how I felt.

I don't think she fully understood the depth of how much her abandonment hurt me, but I guess her response and promise to try harder is a start.

I'm still going to spend Christmas with my grandparents this year though. An apology, of sorts, doesn't wipe the slate clean; we've got a lot of work to do on our relationship. However, I'm not punishing them with my absense, merely protecting myself from further disappointment.

"You always seem so self sufficient and not needing me".

I'm a grown ass woman who has a job and a rents her own home, yes, but I still need her, especially at times like that. Who the hell takes a termination in their stride?! And if she knew me at all she should know that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was old enough to take care of my baby (not so much a baby now as he's 24) brother.

I know that families aren't perfect, and I'm not asking for a phone call every day or family roasts every Sunday, I'd just like to have to do less of the initiating contact and organising; not to be taken for granted.

Actions shall speak louder than words...

Andrea Burden Painting

Changes I've been going through

I started this post over a week ago when I was still sunning myself on holiday but for whatever reason I didn't finish. So here goes...

I thought lying by the pool on a beautiful island like Barbados would help me get over a boat load of issues I've been carrying with me but it seems the Caribbean sun just brings them to the surface.

A few months ago I met someone new. He had left the country and we'd not spoken for weeks, I felt it was time to stop kidding myself about things 'finding their way', get off my ass and start dating. So I met this guy through a friend. He was lovely. We had easy banter and after a couple of weeks chatting we decided to meet up. A few dates later I let myself stay over at his. 

Everyone's schedule gets busy but after a couple of failed attempts to meet up afterwards, the calls and messages stopped. I was so busy with work and social activities, looking forward to my holiday, I wasn't really that fussed and it dawned on me that I perhaps didn't like him as much as I thought. C'est la vie.

I noticed that my mood was swaying between exhausted and irritable. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (not that hard as we all know) but even coming home to the girls, I just wanted to head straight to my room. My body was betraying me too and I put it down to stress. There was something very wrong. 

I left it for a week before I spoke to my housemates about it. As you may know from previous posts, I've battled with depression before, and I was worried that my behaviour was displaying it's return. 

But one morning I woke up and had a thought. I didn't believe I was, I mean how could I be? I slept with him once, it lasted 2 seconds because we were so drunk and more importantly we used protection. The facts were: my period was late, my boobs were swollen and hurt, I'd lost my appetite.

I cried so hard when I saw the test result. I convinced myself that it was a mistake and went to the doctor the very next day. I fell to the floor when she confirmed it. 

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me. I venture out into the world again in an effort to move on and the FIRST person... 

18 days ago, 9th October, I had a pregnancy termination. 

Even putting that down in black and white I can't believe it. 

I did it at home, where two of my housemates took care of me. Both my mum and my sister (who is pregnant by the way) knew what I was going through but it was two people I'd know less than a year who held my hand, wiped the tears from my face and nursed me as I writhed on the sofa in agony. 

I cannot begin to explain what it's like to feel your body reject a life and release it or the emotional trauma you go through. By the next day I was back at my desk completing the last few tasks before my holiday. Yes they said it would be fine to travel. Yes I would most probably bleed for a few days more but I should be perfectly capable of enjoying my trip.

Even as we arrived on the Sunday, I knew I wasn't back to my normal health. I was still experiencing an odd cramping feeling occasionally, which made it hard to sit comfortably. But I found myself, 4 days in, sweat dripping from my head, clutching my body, screaming out because I'm in so much pain. 

The flight had aggravated my cervix, which caused it to become inflamed. I was rushed to a private clinic and put on a drip as I waited for the ambulance. I don't remember much else about that night until I come round in the labour ward, side effects of the pain-killers worn off and I'm having a scan. I'm lucky because I got to go home that night with a prescription of antibiotics.

The flight home undid some of the medication's hard work, I was sick as soon as I got off the plane but I didn't wait around to seek help. As soon as I got back to my London flat, I made a doctors appointment for that day. 

I'm feeling much better. The medication I'm on now does make me feel drowsy, I have unsettling dreams, I'm still off my food so I look a bit scrawny but like I said, I'm feeling much better. 

Why am I bearing my soul to the world? 

Because I need to get it out. 

I'm angry that the only contact my mum has made since I last saw her on the 28th September was a shit text about her greying hair this morning, to which I've not replied. 

I'm angry that I wasn't made aware of the dangers flying could have and that I didn't get antibiotics straight away. 

I'm angry that it affected my holiday and that when I was in the throes of pain, I was silently praying he'd get in contact with me. 

I'm angry that I found myself in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm sad that I feel so alone. That despite speaking to so many people about it, it never feels over. 

I'm sad that the people I love and want to be loved by keep me at arms length. 

I'm sad that I feel I need their love at all; that the love I have for myself isn't enough.

Then I'm really scared. I'm scared that it's ruined me. My chances of love, of being a mother one day.

These are the thoughts that have kept me awake at night, that cause the tears I cry when I'm alone. This is the pain, the disappointment and the shame I feel. These are the changes I've been going through. 

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice" 

Bob Marley

 

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

Better Than You Know

I DID IT!

I actually made it through what was the hardest physical event I've ever done.

It was the furthest I've ever ran, I was dunked into the coldest water my skin has ever had contact with, I HAVE been muddier but NEVER electricuted. I crawled through tunnels, jumped off a 15ft plank, was the only person in my group to complete the 'Funky' monkey bar challenge, been hauled up a wall by my arse cheek... and enjoyed every bit of it.

The beer at the end of the course was quite possibly the best beer I've ever tastet and you know why? Because I worked damn hard for that beer! I was petrified at the start because even the running, which I'm more familiar and trained for, was hardcore. I never realised here heavy trainers caked in mud were. I could feel it dragged my feet closer and closer to the floor. It was like gravity was bumped up a notch or two and my body was having to fight against it, INSANE!

The comraderie, the laughs, the injuries, I felt such a high upon completition that I'm still wondering if I should sign up for another one.

The bruises on my knees and lower legs, the aches and pains in my shoulders, ribs and hip, the pure exhaustion I feel; that was 3 hours and 15 minutes I'll never regret.

So proud!

Winner

It's come about so quickly I've hardly had a second to really take it in.

In T minus 16 hours I will be starting the toughest fitness challenge of my life.

Why I agreed to do this I have no idea. In January this seemed like a laugh... the day before it, I am terrified.

There's 7 of us doing it together (4 girls and 3 boys) and some have trained more than others. I've done my fair bit but it's been no where near consistent enough, which you know from my previous posts.

I'm not going to say much more on the subject because I am literally lost for words.

All there is left to do is... SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

A Year On: Handling Business

The reason I have never wanted to be a manager or hold an equivalent status is because I'd have to be invested in office politics, and I just do not have the patience or brain capacity to put up with bullsh*t like that.

And yet I have found my Tuesday morning dealing with a manager trying to avoid getting blamed for crap organisation by pointing his fag-stained finger firmly in my direction.

I am so enraged and I do not handle anger in a professional manner FULL STOP. So profanities flew out of my mouth for all on my floor to hear as I read his poorly written emails palming off HIS responsibilities in my lap.

It's things like this that make me want to throw in the towel and get a job in a shop. F**K!

And now there's a part of me that questioning if he's actually right and I should have done more.

What REALLY got me was when he described himself as a 'middle man' only passing on requirements, not an expert. Well, as far as I'm concerned, given his role in the company, he should be an expert in his field and therefore the perfect person to run a session meant for clarifying aspects relating to his work, no?

Ultimate RAGE coursing through my veins right now. ULTIMATE RAGE!