Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Seven

Freak Of Nature

Oh. Holy. Shit. I have had a nightmare week. 

First, I got into the office on Monday to find that all the work we've done towards the video stuff (scripts, guidelines, research, etc) has gone, poof, disappeared. Six weeks of work - I'm not ashamed to say that I cried.

Then the crazy guy from my post Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Five, has ramped up the volume on the psycho notch. I feel like I've ended a relationship and he's trying to convince me otherwise except in this case I HAVE NEVER MET HIM! 

Seriously!

Monday night I received two voicemails and countless 'apologetic but meaningless' texts after I had to block him from sending me whatsapp messages. 

Tuesday morning he called again, from a private number.  

Yesterday he text me again. This experience was starting to freak me out. I replied - why? because this guy needed to be told about himself. His persistence to contact me after I had asked SEVERAL times to stop is the exact reason I blocked him in the first place. He apologised. 

It was over. I went to bed with a sense of closure and slept deeply, peacefully. 

This morning... ready for a new day… he called again, leaving a voicemail, inviting me to his birthday drinks tomorrow night.

"If you decide to come, and you like me, it will make it the best birthday EVER." 

I mean, what the actual f**k? I'm beyond speechless and I'm also really uncomfortable, to the point that I feel irrationally scared. 

I've asked him to stop. 

I've told him to stop. 

Now I'm ignoring him. 

What scares me most is that he doesn't see his behaviour as inappropriate. He feels that if he contacts me enough times, exercising the exact behaviour he is apologising for, I'll be won over.

10 missed calls, 7 voicemails, 573 texts *swoon* I'm yours! - er, nope. I don't know what rule book he's reading from, but in mine, that s**t is CRAZY.  

                                                                                     *because I never did!

Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

When All Is Said

Being honest with yourself can sometimes feel like an epiphany. A sense of euphoria washes over you and it's almost like a weight has been lifted... 

But realisation is the easy part, even if you felt the journey to it was tough, after the honesty comes the real work.

I'm not patient, I think we've all established that through other posts; I like to think it's because I'm an Aries rather than a general character flaw (denial is a girls best friend). 

In the last month I've made a few major decisions, taken some substantial actions, in my life:
To be or not to be a single mummy
Called time on the twisted ill-fated friendship I had with my ex
Called my mum out for being lazy with our relationship  

The result?

Feeling the most unwanted and most lost I've ever experienced in my life. 

I've literally been dreaming of packing up my shit and leaving everything, everyone behind in an effort to just start from scratch. I wouldn't do anything as 'drastic' as changing my name but I'd just kind of wipe the slate clean and start my life again. No pregnancy, no ex drama, no work expectations, no shitty family relations.  

Just me in a new place with everything to live for.

My dad said I need to find what makes me happy and just concentrate on that, but what if what makes you happy is a person or a job or a place? Apparently that's just stuff that shouldn't have an impact on your true happiness.


So what is happiness?





This, I fear, will be the real work after the epiphany.... FML

Time To Take It Seriously

Money has always been my biggest weakness. I'm useless with it. As soon as it hits my account, it's gone... doesn't help that I have an addiction to eBay.

I want to save but the things I want to experience cost money.

I have to make peace with the fact that I will never be in a position that I will be able to afford my own home. It's something you really need to start to save for early on, something I wish someone had made clear to me in my late teens.

So this year I've made the decision to invest in my education and life experiences. I've finally found a job that I enjoy and it marries most of my interests.

It's time!

I'm not getting any younger and time just seems to be slipping through my fingers scarily fast.

In two months the lease will be up on our flat and there will be two options: our rent will stay the same and I'll stay or I'll have to move.

As much as I want to get out of London I have finally built up the momentum where I could learn and experience a lot (professionally). I'm not sure if that means staying in my current role, although I'd need to continue REALLY shaking things up, or seek other opportunities.

I've felt myself slip into a bit of a lull recently and I wonder if that's because I've not had a proper break since Christmas. I'm second guessing myself every day. I'm at a point where I feel like I want to just escape it all for a while.

I think I need to refocus. I've got my next coaching session on Saturday morning and I feel like I should reduce the time between sessions for the next few, get back that momentum I had.

One thing I do know is that come January 2015 (eek!!) I'm going to be starting my CIPD course and that will take me one step closer to where I want to be professionally. I have to remember that I'm not superhuman and I have to be careful not to overload myself but I just want to be AWESOME!!

And on that note, here's a link to a real guide on 'How to be Awesome'. I'll be following these tips religiously for the next month to see if it makes any difference.

A Year On: Handling Business

The reason I have never wanted to be a manager or hold an equivalent status is because I'd have to be invested in office politics, and I just do not have the patience or brain capacity to put up with bullsh*t like that.

And yet I have found my Tuesday morning dealing with a manager trying to avoid getting blamed for crap organisation by pointing his fag-stained finger firmly in my direction.

I am so enraged and I do not handle anger in a professional manner FULL STOP. So profanities flew out of my mouth for all on my floor to hear as I read his poorly written emails palming off HIS responsibilities in my lap.

It's things like this that make me want to throw in the towel and get a job in a shop. F**K!

And now there's a part of me that questioning if he's actually right and I should have done more.

What REALLY got me was when he described himself as a 'middle man' only passing on requirements, not an expert. Well, as far as I'm concerned, given his role in the company, he should be an expert in his field and therefore the perfect person to run a session meant for clarifying aspects relating to his work, no?

Ultimate RAGE coursing through my veins right now. ULTIMATE RAGE!

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere

A Year On: Taking Control

Last night before bed I did some Ab work. I intended on getting up this morning to do them again but I chose to stay in bed and snooze.

When I'm looking at exposing my stomach to the world in less than 6 weeks, I really need to make defining them a priority but I guess I can't want it that bad if I opt to sleep over having a decent brekkie and a quick workout before my morning shower.

I had M&S cornflakes instead for breakfast, which by the way taste nothing like Kellogg's. In fact they are thicker and therefore chewier. I don't like them. I meant to pick up my smoothie from the fridge to have on the bus ride in but forgot it.

So now it's 11.12 am and I've already had my fruit snack. My stomach is crying for some food but I refuse to give in and have my crisps - I just cannot condone snacks like that before noon.

I plan to do some interval training tonight to get my sweat on and follow that up by some weights. Squats & lunges are on my mind…. as well as lunch. What's the canteen got on the menu today? Fish… might need to go to the salad bar and get some chicken or a damn burrito - I'm verging on HANGRY.

Four hours later

I stuffed my face.

Had a curried chicken stir-fry/paella-esque thing with roasted vegetables and roasted chicken. It was delicious.

Enjoyed a cup of tea, whittled my unread emails down by half and finally finished the report for my boss with a working table of contents, which I had to Google in order to get working.

I've also asked a boy out.

the decision came from a little bit of peer pressure but also, I just need to get out there. I spend most of my free time on the sofa, which isn't healthy.

I'm in my early 30's, I'm good looking, smart and funny. I'm wasted sitting at home, even if I'm there with the girls. It's time I put on my gladrags and stepped out into the world, I've got enough clothes for it after all #guilty #ebaying.

No response yet but at least I'm taking control.

And on that note, I really need to review my coaching action points....

21 Days to Tone and Sculpt

Gearing up to Summer, magazines and online sites are full of regimes that promise you a body worthy of walking through the busy streets of London / New York / {Insert City Name Here} in just a bikini & heels.

I have friends readying themselves for holidays abroad, big birthday events, weddings, etc and all they are talking about is 'slimming down', 'toning up' or 'detoxing', and that's pretty much ALL I'll be hearing or talking about for the next few months; until the nights begin to grow colder and we start to cover ourselves up again.

I have exactly 3 months to improve my fitness levels for Tough Mudder and though at the start of the year I was making good on this, my fitness routine has left me feeling rather stale of late; that and the boozy, take-away laden bank holiday weekends.

I'm not consistent enough and I LOVE my carbs - simple & complex. Fact is, I'm eating too much and working out (weight-training) too little.

So I'm setting myself a mini 21 day work-out experiment/challenge.

It's made up of both cardio and weight-training exercises, 6 days a week with one day off to rest. Day one starts today with some interval running and light stretching.

It's a fad regime, I'm aware of this. It's also not something that you can realistically maintain, but like I said, it's an experiment. I want to see if it actually works, and more importantly, if I can push myself to do it - EXACTLY as it states, no slacking.

Less alcohol - No crap - No more excuses!

More water - More vegetables - More effort!

After I've successfully completed this 'quick fix', I need to bump up the 'warrior' workouts at the gym from 0 to 2, and run 10k twice a week because I'll have just under 12 weeks until I have to prove myself.

AND I WILL NOT DIE ON THAT COURSE!

Too good to be true

Have you ever felt like the stars had aligned and everything was finally going your way?

Your ego is being stroked - in a PC kind of way.

People are talking to you and about you as though your not the 'fake' you're always afraid of being found to be.

Your passions and interests are merging to create the 'dream' job.

The future is being painted in bright positive colours that call out to you.

You're dancing in the sunshine, in your prettiest dress, twirling, twirling... and then the skies open suddenly and it's raining all over your beautiful picture. Those clear, defined lines, now smudges on an old canvas - the dull picture from before becoming visible once again.

I know, it's shit.

But despite this hiccup, what is already going right for you?

Remind yourself of those things and don't allow the negative in. In may not have worked out this time round but it doesn't mean that it won't.

Get back to what you were doing and put in an extra 10%. Do it for you, to know that you mean business in everything that you do, whether you like it or not - remember?

We'll see who gets the last laugh....

Scandal

As I've been off sick this week I've pretty much had nothing, well I've not had the energy to do anything but watch movies and catch-up on shows.

Before Christmas, a colleague told me to check out Shonda Rhime's newest hit, Scandal. I forgot about it for weeks but after 1 episode, I was hooked.

I've found myself staying up into the early hours of the morning damning Shonda for keeping me so gripped that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep.

I have smiled until my cheeks hurt, been brought to tears, frightened, angry, absolutely SHOCKED, disgusted, jealous of the lead's wardrobe with EVERY episode, fallen in love, been aroused…  My diet shall consist of nothing but popcorn and Bordeaux from hereonin.

I frickin' LOVE it - and now I've run out of episodes to watch so I must wait like normal people.

Damn you Shonda, damn you!!

Getting stuck in

It's that time of year when pretty much ALL motivation for fitness, bar making sure you can fit into that LBD, goes flat - as flat as you wished your stomach would be but isn't because… it's that time of year!

I feel horrible but it's as if I cannot stop. The intention is there, I want to be fitter, trimmer, stronger, but I just keep on giving into the laziness.

I've touched on this a few times over the last 3 months, it's a reoccurring theme for me but I'd really love to know:

How do you keep the motivation to exercise? 

It's never too late to make a start but I do feel it's pointless in December. However, I'm not going to let THAT let me off the hook so I WILL go to the gym this evening. I WILL run 5k, I WILL use the ab machine and then I'll go home, eat eggs, epilate my legs and go to bed early again.

I've ripped the following of off Fitwatch in the hope that:
a) I'll remember I wrote this and make use of the tips
b) You find this interesting and can make use of the tips

So here goes…

1) Find A Role Model  
Who has that “perfect” body that you would love to have?

Many women tape up pictures of someone they aspire to be like, as it's a great way to keep your goals fresh in your mind, and to remind you what you’re striving towards.

Make sure that you choose someone deserving of your admiration – not someone who has an impossible to achieve image.

2) Set Small Goals
If you have set the bar too high by setting goals that are too tough to reach, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Just set smaller, easy to achieve goals and work your way towards the bigger goals. Start with something simple like, “I will work out three times this week.”

3) Reward Yourself 
Setting goals is a great way to get yourself going in an exercise program, but if you have a hard time keeping yourself going, don’t be afraid to offer yourself rewards for any small achievements.

Just remember that if you’re working out to lose weight, don’t reward yourself with food!

4) Get A Buddy 
Having someone to work out with makes it much more fun, and will keep you more motivated to exercise. Having a buddy makes it much harder for you to skip your workout, because they will be there to hold you accountable.

If you can’t find a buddy to work out with, hire a personal trainer to give you that extra push.

5) Make It Fun 
Exercise doesn’t have to be boring or repetitive. If you don’t like your exercise routine, change it and make it more exciting.

If your exercise routine is fun, you will end up looking forward to exercise, instead of dreading it.

6) Mix It Up 
Anything you do over and over every day is going to get boring, no matter how motivated you are to succeed. Find several different exercises you enjoy, and alternate.

Whenever you find yourself getting bored with a workout, replace it with something else you enjoy, and go back to it again when you’re ready.

7) Don’t Take It Too Seriously
If you start treating exercise like hard work, that’s exactly what it will become. Don’t let yourself get a bad attitude towards exercising, or you will be more likely to give up.

Staying motivated isn’t hard if you approach your exercise program with an open mind. Be flexible and let yourself have fun.

I go to a GYMBOX gym franchise and it's full of people who already look like they workout every day, eat uber healthily (tofu, sushi and whatnot) and never drink. I'd love to get involved in a class but I'm worried that I'll look like a fool as I've never done it before. Everyone else look like professionals!

So… how does one get over ones self? To be continued…

Die HOPE, Die

This was the reason I shouldn't have given into seeing him. My mind goes off on it's on tangent and creates ridiculous fantasies of romantic reunions, hand holding and skipping off into the horizon towards Happily Ever After!

It's all BULLSH*T and it won't stop.

I've tried TVD (The Vampire Diaries) marathons, the gym, unpacking and repacking, Pinterest, hell I've even signed up to Tinder to try and focus on other men!

I can't sleep, my diet this week has gone to pot and I'm uber frustrated. Three months ago I'd be desperately holding on to these insane imaginations of getting back together but now I've accepted the truth they're just darn annoying.

How do you extinguish the flame?

It's sad to say but that LOVE has no place here anymore, so how do you turn it off?

Final straw

I have reached my limit. I feel so utterly miserable about my living arrangements.

In hindsight I totally rushed into this decision but I felt it was right at the time.

Saturday morning was spent skulking about in my room and cleaning the bathroom (I hope to his high standards) until he left the house.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I've not left anything out of place; I even plump up the cushions on the sofa so it looks like I've not been in there.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

So I've made plans to stay with a friend until I can find something more permanent, which I hope is ASAP. I want to be in my new 'home' by Christmas. It's time to start my new life.

Sisters doing it for ourselves

So after my rant about everything being sh*t and my stupid housemate complaining about me leaving an empty loo roll in the bathroom, I decided to matters into my own hands.

I woke up on Monday morning and was like "right, f**k this sh*t, time to take control". I logged into Spareroom and fired up it's buddy up option. After reading through a few profiles of girls looking for something similar to me in the same kind of areas I was and with the same budget I drafted an email and sent it out with hope that they were as tired as I was of the whole room search.

Within a couple of hours I'd heard back from them all, excited and raring to go. Throughout the week we've been firing emails back and forth arranging a time to meet each other, arranging viewings and general banter.

Last night we went to see 2 flats and finished the night at a pub, chatting, joking and genuinely enjoying each others company. It was fantastic and I feel re-energised knowing that wherever we end up, it'll be a home because the effort we'll all put in making it so.

It's about time for some happier frickin' days :)  

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It's out. After a week, it's out. 

They said it would settle but you know when your body is telling you something, you just bloody listen. My head was telling me it was too heavy, too exposed, and f**king uncomfortable. I slept badly and in turn found myself being grumpy and eating sugary foods to keep my energy up.

When you've managed to lose 8lbs and been able to keep it off over 2 months, you don't want to fall back into bad habits. I look good and I feel good. Sacrificing that for cool hair… er, no! So it's back to my natural tresses, although I shall be wearing it semi-straight during the week.

Rolling stone

I'm still struggling with this room search. Spareroom is leaving me ready to breakdown.

It's almost as expensive to rent a room in my ideal location, as it would be to rent a studio or 1 bed flat somewhere a bit further out. I'm now in a position where I have to question whether comfort (standard of accom) and location are worth spending upwards of 65% of my monthly salary on rent & bills. Trying gumtree for a week.

I really don't want to be in this house when Christmas rolls around. I'm tired of my own company - is that weird? I mean I like the odd day to do nothing but relax with myself, reading of having a movie day but I still feel that odd anxious feeling when I've got an entire free weekend looming on the horizon and knowing that my Sunday spent on the sofa will benefit by having others around, just makes me feel more comfortable.

Best way to get over someone...

People are pushing me to get out there and date. Let me make this clear I.AM.NOT.READY. I'm not even thinking about that yet. Yeah the colder months would be nicer if I had someone to snuggle with BUT no, no, no. It'll happen when it happens, until then I'm fine just trying to settle into my new single status; there'll be no rushing in that department. Unless Ben Cohen (Strictly Come Dancing) leaves his wife and children ;) What a dancing hottie!

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

A Random One

This post will be a bit of a mix about everything.

Firstly,  THIS weekend will see me trudging through muddy waters on a 12k trail of up-hill runs and obstacles with my very close friend, Mojo. I'm weirdly excited but more than a bit anxious. Look at this crap!

What was I thinking?! Mojo is bringing a waterproof camera so we're hoping that we can get a few snaps during the course - you know, something to show the grandkids.

I've not run properly in over a week but I did manage a 3k jog into work with my heavy rucksack on Wednesday morning. I was very disappointed in my performance given the distance but trust me, that bag was fricking heavy! Trust me to decide to wear biker boots and wash my hair on the one day I attempt the jog.

I went to karaoke on Wednesday - yes the same day I jogged in, washed my hair at work and broke my back carrying my life in a bag - with a group of girls from work and some of their friends. I'm always terrified that I'll make a fool of myself by singing out of tune and ruining a perfectly good song but it was SO evident that no-one really cares!

This has been a big trend in my life over the last few weeks. We push far too much importance of ourselves on others; worried about what everyone else thinks of us, when really they're all worried about the same thing - what we think of THEM. I hate to do this but #GetOverYourself

I put in an earlier post that I'll most likely decide to move house, well I plan to do so when my 3 month tenancy runs out. Everything happens for a reason and I think that I needed to move out when I did to start this recovery, otherwise if I'd waited till I found or figured out exactly what I wanted, I'd still be thinking/hoping he'd change his mind instead of feeling more like my normal self - I know I've had a few blips but overall I'm doing pretty darn good.

So I'm back on Spareroom and Gumtree looking for a new home. There's no pressure this time so I can find somewhere I actually see myself being long-term.

Final thought - my colleague and I have just decided that we're going as vampire Bananas in Pyjama's for our Halloween day at work! SO excited.

Signing off - Happy Friday Biatches :) x

Rage Against the *love* Machine

I wrote him a letter and left it at the flat this weekend. I wasn't expecting him to find it so fast but I guess I didn't really hide it. He text me this morning to say that he found it. There's nothing to say to that.

I left it for a reason BUT I feel guilty and I'm not sure why. It could be because we had such a lovely day yesterday and I've now tarnished that for him (if he cares enough) or the fact he found it at the beginning of his day… whatever the reason, I now feel like a douche!

RAGE! Wtf? Why can I not stop thinking about this bullshit experience I'm going through? It's an unwanted shadow over my life. I've accepted the fact he doesn't want me, now let me move the f**k on!

I guess I've just slammed back into the "Anger" stage of grief/loss.

FML and take a deep breath

Quick fix

So though most will be wishing away the remaining days of this short week, due to the bank holiday, I will be moping about in my new room in my new onesie.

I am absolutely dreading this move. Although I am happy with the property and its occupant, I just do not want to live there. No offence to my new roomie, I'd feel this way if I had to move anywhere. It's because I do not want to move on without him.

This is going to be a major shock to the system and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to face up to reality; the "sticking my head in the sand till it blows over" technique, is one I'd gladly adopt. 

EVERYONE is telling me it'll all be okay, it takes time, it'll get easier - well it doesn't feel that way right now and that's all I can wrap my broken self around at the moment. 

I try to think about the people who are worse off than me, how they still get up every day and 'plod on' because that's life, it keeps on moving, but I feel stuck; like my feet are cemented to the ground and no matter what I do I cannot move - in any direction! I just end up flapping my arms about like some loon, begging for assistance but I'm told over and over the same solution, something that will take ages to take effect. 

It's no good - I'm an Aries, impatient, I need a quick fix, give me a damn quick fix!