You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Growth Of Self: The Release

Last night I cried.

I cried tears that came from no where

That had no where to go

I cried for loneliness

I cried for happiness

For hope and for loss 

I let them roll down my face

Onto my pillow

I gave into my weakness 

Which fuelled their power

I cried for me, for him & for her

I cried until I had nothing else

Then a peace descended on me

And I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber 

How Dare You!

I have a very dear friend, who has gone through SO much over the last 2-3 years, and that hasn't changed in the short time that I've known her. 

We met (properly) on a girly holiday last year and I'd say our bond was instant. She was present at one of the worse experiences of my life and has supported me ever since. Funnily enough we also share the same birthday. 

With all the stuff that's been happening in her life - not my place to say - I advised her to start a blog, as mine has helped me get stuff off my chest, I hoped she could do the same. So she did, anonymously, and for the last 5 months I've seen her open her mind to release the thoughts that, left unsaid, could tip anyone over the edge. 

Until today. Because today some selfish s**thead outted her. 

They hacked her phone and sent a nasty letter to all her friends, family, work colleagues, even her dentist, claiming that 'no-one should have secrets'! 

I am outraged. If I found out who it was - oooh, there would be trouble. 

If you knew how unassuming and nice she was, how hard she tries to keep her problems out of other people's lives. If you knew a smidgen of the crap she's been dealing with, you'd understand the f**king break she needs, but this person/people… clearly have NO compassion and definitely no respect. 

I'm speechless that there are people like this in the world. 

If you read this, please share with others. Let's spread the word that BULLYING is unacceptable. 

Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

Just Hold On

Straight to the heart

No planned diversions

Words fired at speed

They're impact dead certain

The wall, it then crumbles

Just debris at my feet

Torn and now exposed

A soul incomplete

A remedy made available

For all this heartache

I was caught with my guard down

Vulnerable, awake

Now here we are

where damage is done at close range

Questioning the future

Regrets we cannot change

Straight to the heart

Sudden tears of relief

I am not unloved

I am not

Start From Scratch

You could move to a small town
Leave behind everything you know
Head to a place you can start again

Work as a waitress
In a cafe off the main street
Be someone new, a new life, a new name

The let downs, new expectations
Pressure, the moment you step out the door
It would be nice not to feel

Time can only do so much
Friends can only listen so long
Moving forward is the way to deal

You could drive out to the ocean
Throw pebbles out into the sea
One for every day things were fine

You could move to a small town
Because you are healing, getting stronger,
One step at a time.

Make An Effort

How do you know if/when your friendships have run their course?

Does the time between communication get longer and longer?
Do your meet ups suffer from those 'awkward' silences?
Are you making excuses NOT to see them?
Avoiding phone calls or your calls never answered?

And what happens if it's family?

I'm finding that my patience is wearing thin. I know I'm being stubborn but I'm just really sick and tired of being a pushover. I've always been the one to put myself out there, make the first contact but this time, I'm digging my heels in. And unfortunately that will mean me missing out on things, on people.

It REALLY upsets me that the people I love and care for the most seem to find it so easy to forget me, but life moves on. The sun rises and sets, bills still need to be paid, work still needs to be done.

Yet I feel selfish for not making an effort to communicate, to find out how they're doing, are they okay? But as time passes and my phone remains silent, I can feel a slow anger build inside of me.

So I get up, do my thing, try to do something every day that will help me improve, and repeat. Every day I'm changing, moving further away from the person they know. I'm moving on.

IF that means without them, so be it. I deserve better, even if what I really want is them to wake up and realise what's happening before it's too late.

Sadly, I know however far I get I'll always need them - and every night I wish they felt the same.

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Blast from the past

Out of the blue,

Ironic timing. 

Emotions running high, 

Left over from losing him.

It was definitely love once, 

Way back in the day.

He brings back strong memories, 

So much has changed.

Unhealed hurts tumbling out,

Pandora's box opened.

It took so much to get over,

The beast awoken.

You

Me

Her

Another life

Emotions

When something amazing happens to you, you're naturally sad when it's all over. It was like a flashback and I revelled in it, enjoying every second.

Like the last few warm rays of sunlight caressing my skin, I closed my eyes and felt the tingle spread from head to toe.

And though that light has gone and I'm left in the shadows; the chill bringing goosebumps to the surface, my arm hairs standing on end, a smile lingers on my lips as the memory replays in my mind.

Though you cannot start reading the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one, it's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

Today the sun is shining and it's a new beginning - for us both.

I've plans for a little wine this evening, lots of laughter and dancing with friends old and new. I feel as though Spring has blessed me with a touch of her love.

“It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want — oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” 

Mark Twain

I can lie to everyone but not to myself

How do I feel now he's actually leaving?

Six months ago I would have been an absolute wreck. The mere idea that I would never see him again filled me with such loneliness.

I don't feel sad, I don't feel relieved, I haven't cried... yet. Truth is, until this post, I haven't really given it much thought. I've over-analysed what has been said, implied, written, allowed 'what ifs' more space in my head than has most probably been healthy. So, for the most part, I'm numb.

Though not living together, still living in the same city made me feel safe. Like, there was still a chance. Now he's packing up and leaving town... As it happens, we've only seen each other three times since I moved out in September, and hey, I'm still standing.

Guess I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

We spoke on the phone the other night, for over an hour, and to begin with it was 'tres' awkward. I had a lot of resentment. How dare he contact me after yet another stint of silence, and expect me to be all chatty and normal? So I acted aloof... for all of 5 minutes because to be honest, I can't be arsed.

I've imagined what it would be like to hear that he was with someone else and truthfully, it made me feel sick. Friends and family have questioned whether our break up was down to there being someone else and to start with I was 100% sure that it wasn't; but when a person you spend every day with, confide in, share a bed, a life with, suddenly (for you) decides that they no longer want to be with you, how sure can you really be?

However, despite what has happened between us, the good, the bad and the ugly, I still love this person. With every day that passes, a little less in the romantic sense of the word, mainly because my heart is finally accepting what the head already knows, but he taught me SO much and we shared a lot in our time together. At the end of the day, he just wants to be happy. Who am I to resent him for that?

So we chatted, and we laughed. He still knows me so well and it made me happy to speak with him.

He said that I'll find happiness with someone else, and I have no doubt I will. Will I be happier than when I was with him...? Who knows.

There's a quote about exes being friends.

"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they were never in love, or still are"

I'd really like to believe that love can still exist between two past lovers without it being so black and white but maybe it would be healthier to cut all ties and start from scratch.

The friend in need

One of my closest male friends, someone I hoped would be there for me when my world crashed around me, has recently found himself alone and heartbroken. He text me and said "I finally know how you felt".

And you know what?

I felt as though I had NO advice to give him.

Not because I hadn't learnt something from these past 6 months, but because nothing I say will help. EVERY day will be hard until one day you wake up and it's not so hard anymore.

I'm friends with both of them. They are both trying to cope with the loss of someone that means/meant everything to them. 

All I could say was:

It'll take time lovely. Give yourself the space to grieve what you had. 

My only advice is to keep your distance as much as possible for now. Plus, no one expects you to jump into anything just yet. 

Love is a powerful drug, it takes a while for it all to work out of your system. I'm not fully recovered yet, but I'm no longer so under Love's influence that I can't see doing what I need to do is the best thing for me right now. 

Look after you and rest will work itself out x

How much of that I actually believe, I don't know but it's how I feel. 

The week leading up to yesterday I found myself scouring the net, reading 'how to get over/let go of your ex' articles in an effort to keep hold of my sanity. I've been like 'if I can preoccupy my mind by following a couple of things they suggest, I'll not feel so helpless and unwanted'.

I came across this article - Different Hearts, Same Heartbreak - and I thought, yes this is exactly how it feels.

So I hope they read this blog and the one I've linked to. It won't lessen the pain he's feeling but it helps (a minuscule amount) with the loneliness because everyone feels the same heartbreak…

"Don't try to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted."

Ghosts of relationships' past

My emotions were pushing hard against the barriers I've put in place to keep them contained and cracks were appearing. It was getting too much for me to carry, standing tall.

My fitness has been slipping, something I'd grabbed hold of over the last few months, something I could control. I have been losing myself to it all the last couple of weeks - the stress of looking for a 'home', a place I could start again, the loss of HIM and our friendship, our love, our connection, possible future.

And then HE texts me.

When the floodgates opened I was scared that I'd relapse. Taking deep breaths seemed to make me feel like I was shrinking, my surroundings growing bigger, closing in on me. The only thing to do was to embrace it but power through whatever I was doing, not stopping to let it take over me completely.

I slept uneasy, made restless by my thoughts - what do I want?

HIM - still *sigh*

But I made the right decision… for me

The sun was shining when I woke this morning so I decided to walk part of the way into work, the crisp air pinking up my cheeks. I could feel the part of my anxiety easing with every step I took, the act of being outside in the winter sun, moving forward.

Putting aside the feelings that had haunted me all night I'm ready to tackle a new day…

My phone beeps, it's one of the girls I'm hoping to move with - we got the flat we'd had our hearts set on.

Finally, I can begin to move on.

I wish

I know it's not going to be immediate but I wish it would all stop. 

At first I wished I could make it better. 

Then I wished I could pretend it didn't happen.

I wanted it to not be real; moving out proved I was definitely not dreaming.

I thought we could be friends, but that only works when you're both over it. I'm not sure if I ever will be. 

For a week or two I wished I could meet someone else. 

I wish we could talk but I've got nothing to say, except those 3 words I forbid myself to utter. I won't let them escape. 

I write you texts and delete them. I write you emails and discard them. I dream of you often and think of you always. 

I wish you'd take it all back. It's just not fair.

 

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

Glutton for punishment

I tried my best. No one can say that I didn't try because I really DID. I have no shoulda, woulda, coulda's left. He's looking for the chance to find true love, something I apparently cannot offer. I can only offer REAL love and that's just not enough for him. But I understand that this isn't about me, it's about him and how he feels and that's nothing I can influence or control.

C'est la vie

So, I'm going to have to pack up all the memories, the good feelings I had for him, the in-jokes and intimate thoughts. They'll all go in an archive box to be stored in the shadowed regions of my heart for a while. When I'm strong enough, I may take it out every once and a while to remind myself about the good times but that won't be for a few months yet.

It's sad, I'm not going to lie, and it's hard. Who really wants to know that you're not enough for someone to love?! However, he answered my questions - in a vague, contradictory way - but his overall message was clear:

Move on and don't look back. 

I'm not down on myself though, not this time. I'm just sad, because I thought we had something really great.

Friends think that he'll regret it, but I don't. Even years down the line, if he's still looking, he won't regret this decision. And hopefully one day soon, I won't even care if he does or doesn't.

I'm literally speechless now. I'll never be able to convey just how perfect I felt we were, and I wasn't the only one who thought so, but there you go… you can never guarantee how things work out and if that's true about anything, it's LOVE.

Goodbye you - I hope that one day you fully understand just how much you gave up but that you can look back and it still warms your heart to know you were loved SO much x

Down the rabbit hole I go

Of course there would be more of me scraping my knees along the gravel before I would finally pick my a** up from the bottom of the pit and start to climb towards the light…

However, I'm not sure if I have actually hit rock bottom yet. Yes, I belittle myself by begging and crying in public - not both at the same time thank goodness, perhaps I still have a little more to go down the rabbit hole before this ends? But I'm still as befuddled towards the reasonings as the day my world was turned upside down.

My sister says it's something to be proud of, the fact that I am fighting for something I believe in. I am amazed - at my capacity to make myself so vulnerable and still keep going back for more. I DO believe in this - in love! It's not the fairytale ending Disney led us to believe growing up folks.

Ever wonder why the story ends when the girl and guy gets together? Because shit gets messy! Values are questioned, wants and needs are examined, then your boyfriend decides that you are not as important to him as possible life experiences… he's not actually said this I'm presuming reasons because I cannot get straight forward answers…

So what do I do? I send him another email asking him to change his mind. You may read this and think "God, that's so pathetic", it is and I woke up this morning feeling like I sold my soul but at least I went down'n'out fighting - HARDCORE.

Anyway, I've not heard anything back which is probably a good thing. The longer he can stay away from me and I not hear from him, the better all round. The hardest part is knowing that I've made myself about as vulnerable as can be - completely exposed - and I'm effectively being rejected BUT I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix, just hopefully not as destructive as Dr Jean Grey.

I joked that I'm half tempted to just show up on his doorstep. Imagine it, he arrives home after a late session with a client, tired, and I'm sitting there, completely rain sodden, big doe eyes, ready to plead. Now in the movies this would work.

I'm not afraid to say I still love him. He was my family, my lover, my past and my future, he held my heart, soul, mind and body, he was my joker, my challenger, my best friend. And  I just cannot manage to make it through the day without thinking of him, how he's doing, if he's happy, if he has someone to talk to.

Everyday, even after a particularly hard one, I wake up with hope. I don't know why because I've only ever received negative results in this situation, but the positivity keeps bubbling to the surface briefly.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.