I can lie to everyone but not to myself

How do I feel now he's actually leaving?

Six months ago I would have been an absolute wreck. The mere idea that I would never see him again filled me with such loneliness.

I don't feel sad, I don't feel relieved, I haven't cried... yet. Truth is, until this post, I haven't really given it much thought. I've over-analysed what has been said, implied, written, allowed 'what ifs' more space in my head than has most probably been healthy. So, for the most part, I'm numb.

Though not living together, still living in the same city made me feel safe. Like, there was still a chance. Now he's packing up and leaving town... As it happens, we've only seen each other three times since I moved out in September, and hey, I'm still standing.

Guess I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

We spoke on the phone the other night, for over an hour, and to begin with it was 'tres' awkward. I had a lot of resentment. How dare he contact me after yet another stint of silence, and expect me to be all chatty and normal? So I acted aloof... for all of 5 minutes because to be honest, I can't be arsed.

I've imagined what it would be like to hear that he was with someone else and truthfully, it made me feel sick. Friends and family have questioned whether our break up was down to there being someone else and to start with I was 100% sure that it wasn't; but when a person you spend every day with, confide in, share a bed, a life with, suddenly (for you) decides that they no longer want to be with you, how sure can you really be?

However, despite what has happened between us, the good, the bad and the ugly, I still love this person. With every day that passes, a little less in the romantic sense of the word, mainly because my heart is finally accepting what the head already knows, but he taught me SO much and we shared a lot in our time together. At the end of the day, he just wants to be happy. Who am I to resent him for that?

So we chatted, and we laughed. He still knows me so well and it made me happy to speak with him.

He said that I'll find happiness with someone else, and I have no doubt I will. Will I be happier than when I was with him...? Who knows.

There's a quote about exes being friends.

"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they were never in love, or still are"

I'd really like to believe that love can still exist between two past lovers without it being so black and white but maybe it would be healthier to cut all ties and start from scratch.