You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Short Story - Test Of Character

What am I doing?

Alex tossed and turned in bed as she fought the flutters of unwanted excitement she felt in the pit of her stomach. This guy was NO good, and yet she couldn't help but fantasise scenarios where she took him up on his offer.

Alex checked her phone again. No more messages received; not that it mattered. Her mind was running wild without the need for more interaction from him.

Was this guilt? 

It couldn't be. The thoughts she was having about him clearly proved that she wasn't as concerned about his situation as she probably should be, which was even more worrying. Did this make her an awful person? How could she even be considering this?

She mentally shook herself and stared out into the darkness of her room. Alex needed to have a word with herself, a bloody stern word. Nothing had even happened… but she knew deep down, if she could have her way something definitely would. 

Alex flung the covers from her body and kicked them off her feet. She was burning up. All these naughty thoughts about a man who was completely unavailable to her, was having the most ridiculous physical effect.

Alex snatched her phone from the bed side table and opened her messages. She typed a quite note to her friend, Nina, who knew them both, and then turned her phone off. She wouldn’t be able to settle if there was a chance he could message again.

Wide awake and mildly disturbed by her desire, Alex got out of bed and walked through the dark flat towards the kitchen. The rest of the house were fast asleep and as much as she wanted a cup of tea, it was unfair to boil the kettle so far into the night; she’d have to settle for water.

Winter was descending on them and the streets of North London were glistening under the early morning frost. Everything was very still, which made the scene even more beautiful. Alex stood at the window looking out on the world from her 4^th floor flat. Moments like this reminded her to be grateful for everything that she had in life. Though, this particular feeling of appreciation was tainted by her attraction to a married man.

Darren just had something about him. He was what I suppose you would call a “lad’s lad”. When Alex met him, she was instantly attracted to him. He was tall, held his own and was extremely well-dressed. He seemed to stick out for all the right reasons and yet wasn't quite centre of attention.

They had spotted each other across the bar and shared a flirtatious smile, which made Alex’s groin shamelessly tingle. They didn't speak until the very end of the evening but when they did, he won her over with his cheeky persona and intense gaze.

Alex had never wanted to kiss a stranger so much. She wanted him bad and despite after months of flirting, when she found out that he was in fact married and expecting his first child, that desire had never subsided.

Alex pushed herself off of the wall she’d been leaning on to gaze out of the window, crossed the front room to the sofa and settled on a corner, pulling the communal throw over her shoulders. She remained sitting in the dark room, resting her head against the cushion, listening to the sounds of North London at night.  

It was really grating on her that she had again unconsciously fallen for someone she couldn't be with. Over the years, Alex had noticed that this was a defence mechanism. She did it to protect herself from getting hurt but it didn't always work.

The sound of a night bus rolling past was closely followed by a few drunken giggles and shouts and then silence again. Alex closed her eyes, allowing the feeling of ‘home’ wash over her. Darren was bad news but he was a welcome distraction from the, occasionally overwhelming, loneliness she sometimes felt. 

And just like that, she drifted off into a comfortable sleep. 

Raising Your Game

Self-discovery.

It sounds very wishy washy, doesn't it, and a lot of people believe that it is wasted time. Why spend time looking inwards? It means you're missing what's going on around you! And that's partly true. I suppose it very much depends on what you 'intend' to get out of your self discovery.

For me it started with finding myself again. When my last relationship ended I had 1,000,001 questions.

What had I done wrong?
What could I have done better?
Why wasn't I enough?
What will I do now?

And I felt very sorry for myself. I was obviously in need of improvement so I turned to the Internet and books.

How could I become a better person so that the person I loved wouldn't leave me? 

Now, you might read that and think I'm pathetic. I read that and think it's pathetic, but I don't think I am, well not any more at least. This journey I am on started with the right goal in mind but I was picturing the wrong person. The person that I didn't want to leave me was a guy, but over time, that person became me. And by better, I meant stronger. 

Have you ever found that when you're in a relationship, the things that used to be really important to you or that interested you and took up your time, they seem to just not be important any more? You don't see those friends, don't listen to that band, don't watch that show, don't play that sport or go to that gym class?

Your partner hasn't forced you to stop them, they just kind of fizzled out of your life. And regardless of whether your relationship ends or not, you just wake up one day and ask yourself "What did I used to do? What was I interested in?!"

Reconnecting with that you, that's self-discovery. Trying something new and finding out you're good at it or you hate it, that's self-discovery. Even being affected or NOT affected by something or someone after time has passed, that's self-discovery, because you're learning something about yourself.

Two and a half years ago I discovered that I liked training people.
A year and a half ago I accepted that I was quite good at it.
A year ago I decided that I wanted to get better at communicating so that I would be better at my job and that the people I trained would get more from the sessions I delivered.
Six months ago I pushed myself a little harder and discovered the power I held over my circumstances.
Three months ago I took a resourceful step towards the future I want.

The more I learn about myself and the capabilities I have and make use of the tools available to shape the world around me, the more flexible I become to meet my goals and 'be' successful.

Now that is definitely NOT wishy washy.

How Dare You!

I have a very dear friend, who has gone through SO much over the last 2-3 years, and that hasn't changed in the short time that I've known her. 

We met (properly) on a girly holiday last year and I'd say our bond was instant. She was present at one of the worse experiences of my life and has supported me ever since. Funnily enough we also share the same birthday. 

With all the stuff that's been happening in her life - not my place to say - I advised her to start a blog, as mine has helped me get stuff off my chest, I hoped she could do the same. So she did, anonymously, and for the last 5 months I've seen her open her mind to release the thoughts that, left unsaid, could tip anyone over the edge. 

Until today. Because today some selfish s**thead outted her. 

They hacked her phone and sent a nasty letter to all her friends, family, work colleagues, even her dentist, claiming that 'no-one should have secrets'! 

I am outraged. If I found out who it was - oooh, there would be trouble. 

If you knew how unassuming and nice she was, how hard she tries to keep her problems out of other people's lives. If you knew a smidgen of the crap she's been dealing with, you'd understand the f**king break she needs, but this person/people… clearly have NO compassion and definitely no respect. 

I'm speechless that there are people like this in the world. 

If you read this, please share with others. Let's spread the word that BULLYING is unacceptable. 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Five

When It Hurts So Bad

A broken heart mends.

Like a wound to your body, give it time and it heals. It might not work the same as it did before, sometimes it's weaker but sometimes it's a little tougher.

He is too intense. He wants everything I have and more.

I don't want to give it up.

I remember the feeling of loss that washed over me when my last relationship ended and I suddenly realised I'd invested too much of myself in him and our future together.

I want to go slow.

I want to take our time, enjoy talking on the phone, snatched evenings in-between my hectic study weekends, flirty messages. I want to learn about him, pick up on personality traits, let him teach me things about his interests and vice versa.

He wants me NOW. He wants to spend lots of time I don't have to give, meeting friends and family. He wants 'official'.

"Do not break my heart"

And then I get it.

He's pinning his hopes on me. He wants me to make it all better. I tick the right boxes, but he hasn't given it a chance to mature.

He's painted a picture and that's all he sees, but I'm interpreting things differently. I see danger. I see pain; and not mine.

I don't want to be the bad guy.

I don't like having people think negatively of me. I'd rather try to explain myself, make sure everything is out in the open and if we still can't get along then fair enough but right now I am uncomfortable.

My counsellor would tell me to try and stay in that uncomfortableness for as long as I can and not react like I usually do.

But I want to run; far and hard. I want silence. I want to rewind. I do not want this.

He wants me to save him, and all I want to do is save myself.

Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

Secretly

"Because I need to feel loved I allow myself to be used, just so I can feel something."

Anon

Lying awake in the dark, I listen to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores. I feel like with every breath you take they get louder.

Another night of very little sleep and yet I'm just glad I'm not here alone.

You turn and slip your arm around my waist. This is what I crave the most, the warmth of you beside me but it seems to come in short supply.

What really gets me is the way you can practically ignore me all week and then be someone completely different when we're alone.

When my counsellor talks of me needing to let down my guard, these are examples of the moments I keep those walls up for because if I made myself vulnerable to you, I'd be in pieces.

Am I the reason you act so cold? Did I set us down this path, and you're just reacting to me?

Your softer snores are almost endearing, as you nuzzle my neck and pull me closer to you. Is this how you really feel? Your unconsciousness betraying you as you sleep.

I am completely confused by your presense in my life at the moment. I flit between being annoyed with you and wanting more of you. 

As the sun rises, you will stir and I'll come face to face with the other you, the one who barely meets my eye and makes me feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Can you see why I distance myself further from you?

All these secrets are silently eating away at me. I recall this was supposed to be fun but I'm definitely not having fun anymore.

Then you will call me, and all these questions will melt away until you are sleeping soundly and I'm staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores.

Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

Lost My Mojo

I'm not feeling inspired. 

I go through this sometimes with my writing. When times are hard I have inspiration galore but as soon as things start to smooth out, I'm literally lost for words. 

A few years ago I started writing a book. It was all about my love life (sound familiar) and about the relationships I found myself falling into, or more often than not, falling out of. 

When I started dating my ex and I was content with the ways things were, it was all very laid back and casual to start with gradually morphing into something deeper; there was no real stress about it, well not that I remember, but the point is I stopped writing. 

Looking back I wonder if I stopped because I couldn't dramatise what was happening? If you're in love and happy, how can you describe that feeling without sounding like you're high on acid imagining butterflies, unicorns, rainbows and shit? 

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to write about it I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! "I've finally found a man I can be myself with and he loves me for it!" But it just sounded… silly. I couldn't make a story out of it because I didn't know where it was going - the story, not the relationship. 

Do they get married? Does she get pregnant? Is it a happy or sad ending? Will he cheat on her, or she cheats on him? I couldn't plan it because it was based on MY life and I just didn't know. 

So I started writing it here, in small digestible chunks and it was kind of exciting because you just never knew what was coming, I mean just check out the last few posts before the break up, I was blissfully unaware it was all about to go pete tong.  

Anyway, I'm whitening on now. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm trying but right now there's just nothing interesting to report. 

Over and out. 

Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

Open Your Ears

Spotify has often been my saviour.

When a mood hits me, music has often been the one thing that can determine whether it’s a good or bad day.

Coming back to work after a nasty stint of the flu, having to force yourself to concentrate on a brightly lit screen for 8 hours of your day, enclosed by white brick and glass, I turned to Spotify for entertainment and, I’m happy to say, I was not disappointed.

I’m a big fan of Ben Howard. I love his heartfelt words and recent dark, gripping guitar rifts. So I put my trust in Spotify’s Discover and ’opened my ears’ to Nick Mulvey. I was half way through his 2014 album ‘First Mind’ and I was already recommending him to friends I thought would appreciate him.

His song ‘April’ reminds me of my favourite Howard song on the latest album, ‘In Dreams’, because of it’s haunting effect. I’m a sucker for music that makes me feel, and I really like this album.

It’s also the kind of thing I think my ex would like, so if by chance he reads this - Get on it! I think you’ll particularly like Juramidam.  

"Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours". 

Elton John  

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

Having A Plan - Being Awesome

I've spent too much time letting life dictate to me how things are going to play out. 

So listen here life, I'm not having you walk all over me like you do. You might scare me with your lack of relevant opportunities where I want to move to and your lack of cooperation on the romance front but I'm not going to let you get me down. 

I'm making a plan of attack. I'm spending some me time getting my ducks in a row because next year I'm going to kick ass! 

I've done an alright job this year despite the challenges you threw my way so I'm going to do a little celebratory dance as a pat on the back. Well done me.

The pain you made me feel allows me to take pleasure and appreciate the small wins. The uncertainty and longing for what was, makes me value what I have so much more. I'm clearer on what I'm worth and what I deserve. 

You might think that it was all down to you that I am like this now, and to a certain extent that's true but you weren't the one who forced themselves out of bed each day when all you wanted was to disappear, you weren't the one who put in the hours of research and reading to further improve your skills and knowledge, you weren't the one who had the strength to ignore your heart and listen to your head. 

So this is how it's going to work, you're going to do your thing and I'm going to do mine. You'll test me and I'll overcome them because ... 

I AM AWESOME! 

Mars Versus Venus

I have been struggling since my return from holiday.

I've felt quite lost and unsettled. It's affected my sleep pattern, my appetite, my productivity at work, the effort I put in with my friends...To top it off, last Saturday my ex got in contact with me again after 3 months silence.

I think with everything that's happened, all the emotions I've been feeling with the pregnancy and my family, I just kind of clung to the possibilities of it's meaning.

Honestly, after the initial annoyance of hearing from him again I was fantasising about us getting back together. I don't know why I do it to myself. 

Of course that's not how it all worked out, come on, I don't get happy endings! (Can you tell I'm feeling a little bitter as I write this post?)

I'm not angry at him anymore. I was for a little while after he left the country and went quiet but in hindsight I'm actually angry at myself for failing to read in between the lines, for failing to take what was said at face value.

They say that women should take men for the simple creatures that they are, that what men say is what they mean, and yet when he said:
'I care deeply for you and find what we have easy and natural'
I heard:
'Why am I questioning us? This is obviously the right relationship for me I'm just a bit scared to admit that right now'.

Oh yeah I'm putting it all out there in this post because hopefully it will teach me to stop being such a frigging idiot!

I'm very clear now that we're done. I'm hoping, with this realisation after 15 months of our relationship ending, that the stupid thoughts and fantasies that have haunted me will now fade away into oblivion.

I have loved this man with every fibre of my being, believed whole-heartedly that what we have/had was so special it was worth fighting for and trust me, I have fought to exhaustion.

Ironic that John Legend sang Ordinary People on X-Factor tonight because that's all I want to recite to him but...

After everything each of us have gone through, if he does not feel like it's worth it despite admitting that he could see us together - then I guess I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat.

This isn't letting go, this is definitely giving up... and f*** me it hurts like crazy. 

Changes I've been going through

I started this post over a week ago when I was still sunning myself on holiday but for whatever reason I didn't finish. So here goes...

I thought lying by the pool on a beautiful island like Barbados would help me get over a boat load of issues I've been carrying with me but it seems the Caribbean sun just brings them to the surface.

A few months ago I met someone new. He had left the country and we'd not spoken for weeks, I felt it was time to stop kidding myself about things 'finding their way', get off my ass and start dating. So I met this guy through a friend. He was lovely. We had easy banter and after a couple of weeks chatting we decided to meet up. A few dates later I let myself stay over at his. 

Everyone's schedule gets busy but after a couple of failed attempts to meet up afterwards, the calls and messages stopped. I was so busy with work and social activities, looking forward to my holiday, I wasn't really that fussed and it dawned on me that I perhaps didn't like him as much as I thought. C'est la vie.

I noticed that my mood was swaying between exhausted and irritable. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (not that hard as we all know) but even coming home to the girls, I just wanted to head straight to my room. My body was betraying me too and I put it down to stress. There was something very wrong. 

I left it for a week before I spoke to my housemates about it. As you may know from previous posts, I've battled with depression before, and I was worried that my behaviour was displaying it's return. 

But one morning I woke up and had a thought. I didn't believe I was, I mean how could I be? I slept with him once, it lasted 2 seconds because we were so drunk and more importantly we used protection. The facts were: my period was late, my boobs were swollen and hurt, I'd lost my appetite.

I cried so hard when I saw the test result. I convinced myself that it was a mistake and went to the doctor the very next day. I fell to the floor when she confirmed it. 

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me. I venture out into the world again in an effort to move on and the FIRST person... 

18 days ago, 9th October, I had a pregnancy termination. 

Even putting that down in black and white I can't believe it. 

I did it at home, where two of my housemates took care of me. Both my mum and my sister (who is pregnant by the way) knew what I was going through but it was two people I'd know less than a year who held my hand, wiped the tears from my face and nursed me as I writhed on the sofa in agony. 

I cannot begin to explain what it's like to feel your body reject a life and release it or the emotional trauma you go through. By the next day I was back at my desk completing the last few tasks before my holiday. Yes they said it would be fine to travel. Yes I would most probably bleed for a few days more but I should be perfectly capable of enjoying my trip.

Even as we arrived on the Sunday, I knew I wasn't back to my normal health. I was still experiencing an odd cramping feeling occasionally, which made it hard to sit comfortably. But I found myself, 4 days in, sweat dripping from my head, clutching my body, screaming out because I'm in so much pain. 

The flight had aggravated my cervix, which caused it to become inflamed. I was rushed to a private clinic and put on a drip as I waited for the ambulance. I don't remember much else about that night until I come round in the labour ward, side effects of the pain-killers worn off and I'm having a scan. I'm lucky because I got to go home that night with a prescription of antibiotics.

The flight home undid some of the medication's hard work, I was sick as soon as I got off the plane but I didn't wait around to seek help. As soon as I got back to my London flat, I made a doctors appointment for that day. 

I'm feeling much better. The medication I'm on now does make me feel drowsy, I have unsettling dreams, I'm still off my food so I look a bit scrawny but like I said, I'm feeling much better. 

Why am I bearing my soul to the world? 

Because I need to get it out. 

I'm angry that the only contact my mum has made since I last saw her on the 28th September was a shit text about her greying hair this morning, to which I've not replied. 

I'm angry that I wasn't made aware of the dangers flying could have and that I didn't get antibiotics straight away. 

I'm angry that it affected my holiday and that when I was in the throes of pain, I was silently praying he'd get in contact with me. 

I'm angry that I found myself in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm sad that I feel so alone. That despite speaking to so many people about it, it never feels over. 

I'm sad that the people I love and want to be loved by keep me at arms length. 

I'm sad that I feel I need their love at all; that the love I have for myself isn't enough.

Then I'm really scared. I'm scared that it's ruined me. My chances of love, of being a mother one day.

These are the thoughts that have kept me awake at night, that cause the tears I cry when I'm alone. This is the pain, the disappointment and the shame I feel. These are the changes I've been going through. 

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice" 

Bob Marley

 

I only love you when I'm drunk

Have you ever reached that level of drunkeness when you just love everyone? 

It doesn't matter that they frustrated you earlier by talking over you or dismissed the point you were making or haven't made an effort in your life for weeks... you just LOVE them.

Life is too short to hate people, regardless of what they've done. Why poison your existence with bad feelings towards another?

I love you despite you putting my siblings first.
I love you despite you having left the company and me missing your ass like crazy.
I love you despite the fact I'm jealous of your new life and family.
I love you despite EVERY THING.

A Year On: Where Would You Rather Be?

A year ago today... It's a bit of a effed up anniversary but it's a good one to remember. 

So much, yet so little has changed.

The moment has come where I can say I've given it my all.

I've tried to be strong, nonchalant, vulnerable, supportive and loving; but there comes a time when you just have to admit defeat, collect what's left of your dignity and march forwards in a different direction.

Today is that day.

My actions from this point are not meant to cause harm or upset but it's time to act my worth.

For him I've always been an option, and I've waited long enough for him to realise things that have been obvious to me all this time. 

Time to refocus my energy.

In ten months time I want to be moving out of London, after having secured a new job and place to live.

A year ago I had to start thinking about me. It's time I reminded myself of that.

"When things aren't adding up in your life, start subtracting"

ANON

A Year On: Don't Look Back In Anger

So here we are.

I'm actually really surprised at how 'okay' I feel.

The first three months were HELL. In the midst of them I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I would be stuck in that pain forever; drowning.

When I found the girls (housemates) things started to change. I felt at home in the flat we rented. I felt happier to spend time on my own. I'd made new friends.

Christmas was hard. I didn't hear from him at all and that really hurt me. At a time for family and friends, I was silently recovering from losing someone I loved so deeply.

Our contact started up again late January; February.... happened and then he left London.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, like my feelings for him would leave my body, setting me free but that didn't happen. Instead I'd count the days in between conversations and purposefully not initiate contact.

March, April, May.

So much was happening for me at work, I could feel myself getting stronger and more confident, I finally had direction, a sense of purpose but he was still on my mind every night.

Then we had a chat and he told me his plans, it was all starting to fall into place, he was actually going. As much I liked hearing the news from the horse's mouth, knowing what was happening instead of wondering, it was like I kept picking at a scab trying to heal.

June. His last month in the UK.

The words he said... the words he didn't. And then he was gone.

I'd like to say that I'm moving on, I try to stay away but I always find myself giving in. I'm torn. My head knows what I need to do, I just can't seem to convince my heart.

"Is there still a chance? Xx"

A text from his mum 

I shouldn't have to wait. I shouldn't have to be a choice. I'm worth and deserve so much more? So WHY can't I let it go?

I know what will happen, it's happened before. I'll not let go because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic and believe it will all work out and in 6 - 12 months he'll find someone else and I'll have to start from scratch.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love"

Warsan Shire

A Year On: In Between The Lines

You receive a text from a boy.

It's not asking a question, in fact it's more of a statement, so you don't need to reply. It's complimentary and you're flattered, but despite what he's said his actions are contradictory.

What message do you go with?

Further to my Shut That Door post, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards the men in my life that seem to want me to wait for when the timing is good and ready for THEM.

It's like that song by Loose Ends 'Hanging On A String' whose lyrics are:

I've waited oh so long for you to come to me

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me

Baby I feel it too, What am I supposed to do?

Maybe I've just changed, Or could I be wrong for you?

You, you've got me hangin' on a string now

I'm not your plaything x2

You never told me you were waiting, contemplating

With my heart, my love x2

Do you mean to say that after all this time

I've waited like a fool, now who's been changin' you?

And that's my biggest fear.

Someone said to me recently that perhaps I'm attracting men at a crossroads because I'm at a crossroads. At a fork in the road. 

I think it's probably best for me to cut myself off.