Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part One

Like most Monday mornings, yesterday I found it very hard to get out of bed. I got home from my mum's and went straight to my room were I was reading until late (ish as it was still before midnight) caught up in a romantic piece of chick lit.

Then one of my housemates crashed home at 2 am after a boozy date and woke me up. So I'm tired, and apparently grouchy.

After 3 weeks of feeling poorly, I'm now feeling terribly portly! All this eating and no exercise is expanding my waistline. No fault of my own for a change, it's just amazing what a difference a break away from my routine can do.

So now that I'm back to good health, I just need to retrain my body and brain into the habit of exercising and eating better; as much as sitting on the couch eating ginger-nuts and drinking tea sounds like heaven in this bipolar weather.

• First step is to eat breakfast every day. 
• Second, try to get some protein in there.
• Third, eat a sufficient lunch and dinner.  
• Forth, run home twice a week.

I packed my bag and in it I put... my running kit and I ran home last night.

I decided to take a different route to normal, one I knew put hadn't checked the distance. By the time I got to just over 4km I could feel a dirty stitch developing underneath my ribs. I tried to run through it but it made me feel like I wanted to be sick so I gave into it, I finished logging my run and walked it out.

I didn't want to give up. I knew if I hadn't got the pain I'd have been able to run the whole way. Instead of letting the negative thoughts overcome me and giving up, I started a new workout and began jogging in a new direction. The pain was gone, my legs were still feeling okay, no harm done.

When I got home, dripping with sweat and feeling a tad over heated, I'd covered a longer distance in just over my normal time - chuffed to bits. Going to try to better this on my next run home. Typical Arian competitive streak coming out.

Getting my SEXY back is just one of the tasks I'm setting myself. There's a lot more to do!

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

A Year On: Youth

I remember when I could drink all night and manage a full day's work the next day. Now if I miss out on a couple of hours kip at night, I fall asleep on the bus home and miss my stop!

What happened to the the last decade of my life?

I went to a funeral on Friday. It was extremely emotional and if I'm honest, I felt like a bit of a fraud being there, crying. I haven't been in his life much the last few years and I just didn't feel I could justify my grief.

Anyway, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I drove up with my little brother, whose actually not that little anymore as he's creeping into his mid-twenties, and we had a 5 hour trip there and back to catch-up.

He finished his degree about 2 years ago now and he's spent that time working in a pub. Forty-five minutes into our journey the big 'learn from my mistakes' sister made an appearance.

I guess I'm just concerned that he's wasting time not working in a field relevant to his degree ESPECIALLY when he wants a career in it. I wanted to communicate, from experience, that it sucks to get to 30 and still be nowhere closer to where you should be in life. I was just giving him a heads up.

And I'm fortunate to have such a diverse group of friends because one of them already works in the field so I've put them in touch on Facebook, hoping that he'll take action and get back on track.

He's not getting the pep talks from either of my parents, they take a more laissez-faire approach, so I thought I'd step in. Five years makes a hell of a difference if you use it wisely.

So bro, get on it while you still have the energy to do it. It all gets harder after 25 ;)

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.

Seven Year Detox

I came across an article this week, which stated, over a period of sevens years all the cells in your body are renewed so you are in fact a completely different person you who you were seven years ago. Amazing huh?

So I figured, what with this old boyfriend popping up in my life again, what would the calculations look like if I applied this to 'getting a boy out of my system'?

Here are the phases:
P1: Age 0 - 7
P2: Age 7 - 14
P3: Age 14 - 21
P4: Age 21 - 28
P5: Age 28 - 35

I met boyf #1, the out of the blue boyf Blast From The Past is about, when I was 19, last stages of P3. We were together for all of about 5-6 months and went through some pretty life changing experiences, for me at least. I'd say he was my first love.

I met boyf #2 when I was 16 but we didn't get romantically involved until P4. He left me for America. If you really want to be depressed, read some of my earlier blogs. They were written around that time. Blogging helps heal the heart :)

And I met boyf #3, him, when I was 28. Unfortunately that means, if this theory is correct, I have 4 years and 23 days left before his hold over me wears off.

Damn, this boyfriend detox is worse than working cocaine out of your system. That only lasts 90 days, and I know this because I did my research, not from personal experience :)

One step...

Feeding or bruising the ego

At what point should I get offended that I just cannot seem to secure a date?

I've not been on Tinder since the beginning of Jan. That date has put me off a little.

But I did match with another guy, who seemed super keen, organised a date with me then cancelled the day before - something about a funeral for his step mum's sister-in-law - and then didn't contact me for a week. When he did it was like "Hey been busy with work and extra-curricular activities. Will be available in a week. Hope I'm still in your considerations" like I'm sitting at home in my onesie, drinking wine with my housemates every night... which is totally what I'm doing.

But not only that, in the last month I've had TWO guys from my past message me out of the blue, both who are now married with children. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?

Is this what I've got to look forward to? Now that I'm wandering in to district 31 all that awaits me are guys who think I must be desperate enough to become a home wrecker? No thanks.

Someone said to me today, a guy I might add, that all my past relationships and flings have ended because the men I've liked/loved have not quite been ready to take care of a woman like me.

Well, as much as I'd love to be taken care of, I'd just really like someone nice to share my life experience with, even the mundane experiences like a bad wax - you know?

Over before it began

Whatever happened to men wooing women?

When exactly did the tables turn and the woman had to ask the man out for a date? I've heard the term "if you want something doing..." but this is a tad ridiculous.

At my age, I'm sorry to say, it's slim pickings. If they haven't got children already, they have serious baggage AND men just do not dust their shoulders off and get back on the relationship saddle in the same way that women do.

I mean, look at me; heart ripped from chest, stamped on, set alight and then promptly shoved back into my chest barely still beating, and yet I'm riding that old mare as if I never fell.

However, all my 'big and brave' talk means absolutely nothing when I'm trotting in a field full of seemingly gay horses. Obviously I'm not being literal but seriously, when did men making the first move become extinct?

I'm not looking to jump into another relationship by any means, I'm only just starting to enjoy this time on my own. I've managed to make working out into a habit, although like washing my hair I don't look forward to it because it's such an effort, I know with time I'll start seeing some great results.

It's been the same getting over him.

At first it was hard to get up every morning, hard to spend time on my own but the more time that passed, the more distance I put between myself and that event, I started to feel more content and appreciative of the things that I already had in my life which made me happy.

And now, what would make me that little bit happier is a smidgen of male attention.

What?

I'm still a hot-blooded female, last time I checked, with a cracking smile and a great personality (no that doesn't mean I'm ugly).

Such a shame that all this chit chat about men being stronger than women only applies to the physical and even then, it's all relative.

Come on boys, take a chance. 

Are you being S.M.A.R.T or are you just being?

I held a training session this morning about setting S.M.A.R.T goals. I had no structure to my session as I hadn't prepared for it and I was basically bluffing my way through the session, but it did get me thinking.

I don't really have any goals. Crazy right?

I suppose I have some wishy washy ones:
"I just want to be happy"
"I'd like to have children one day"
"I hope to have a house in the countryside, walk my dogs along the beach and bake truly amazing cakes for my children's birthdays"
But where are the tangible career orientated goals; the ones that show I'm striving towards greatness?

Last night I spoke to someone I love dearly and felt as though they sounded so lost. It broke my heart. For as long as I've known them, they have pushed themselves to be the best that they can be, constantly reading up on their field of interest, answering work emails late into the evening, essentially working 7 days a week because of the need to prepare for the next week ahead. I found it SO frustrating that they so rarely let themselves have a day off, let alone a weekend.

I frequently ask what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I'm nearly 31 and I rent a room in someone else's house, I live pay cheque to pay cheque, I'm always in my overdraft because I like to buy cute things I don't need, eat out at nice places, drink myself into oblivion and dance like a crazy person, enjoy going to see live bands.

I'm not a saver, I'm not a 'put this aside for the future' kind of person, which is why I'll probably work until the maximum retirement age and won't be able to afford NOT to go back to work after having children, if I can even afford to have THEM.

But I love doing those things.

The fact that I'm 'a jack of all trades and master of none' of course bothers me but with 'great power, comes great responsibility'. And I honestly cannot be bothered with it. This way it means I can go home at a reasonable hour, have my weekends to myself and not have to squeeze in my holidays when I can, well squeeze them in. In a sense, I'm free. Free of responsibility, free of pressure, free of duty.

I hope they find peace, whatever they end up doing in life. And if you happen to read this and know it's you I'm referring to:

"To Live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

Oscar Wilde 

All my love x

Tinderlious

Oh god I'm here again and I'll tell you what, it NEVER gets easier.

In fact I think I'm pickier than when I was younger, when all I was looking for was someone tall, cute and fun. Now I'm looking for something long-term, husband material, someone I could see myself growing old with - what a tall order?!

And how do you even go about it? Long gone are the days when I have the time, money or energy to go out every night and meet someone organically. Now it's all down to these fandangled phone apps - and the fact I used fandangled just proves how out of the dating scene I am.

Tinder... actually, when I was still with my ex he had a client who was working on a BETA app that we signed up to as testers. It was under a different name back then but it's generally the same thing.

Using your location, it offers you pictures of guys and girls that you can either 'like' or 'dislike'. If you like someone and they like you, you 'match' and you have the option for communication. Great. Simple enough...

Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
It that really a penis? DISLIKE
OMG, really? Dislike

Hmm, maybe not as simple as I thought.

Am I rushing into this? No, it's nearly been 6 months; it's time to start the next stage. Can you do that if you haven't completely reached the finish line of the first? Shut up hope, shut up, we're doing this.

Ooh okay, cute. Like
Dislike
Dislike
Ha ha ha funny pictures. Like
Dislike
Dislike

Okay I'm bored now. I'll try again next month....

We're not old, we're retro - rant

Another one bites the dust.

My friend is pregnant. In the last 6 months she's found the love of her life and now, she's pregnant.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I knew it would be him :) they light up around one another but, I'm sad too. Not because I'm losing another friend to motherhood, it's more selfish than that; it's because I'm exactly in the same place as I was 5 years ago... getting over a boy, not sure what I'm doing with life. 

It's a numbing reality. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with work. Two weeks of Jan have passed and they have done so like thieves in the night, without me noticing. It's a sobering thought that time can pass so silently. 

I know why I'm freaking out. I've got 9 weeks left. This year, my 30th year, started on such a high, had a drastic dip and has now plateaued. I had imagined it SO differently. 

If you had the option to read about what would happen in your life over the next year, would you? I think after the last year... I might consider it, just to prepare myself for ANYTHING. 

I promise, I'm not drunk. Still sober 19 days in. I think this is a sugar rant, or lack of. 

One step at a time x

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

Body FAIL

At 30, I'm not old. Well, when you're under 25 I suppose 30 seems ancient but now I'm here, I am not old. So why is my body starting to fall apart?!

This weekend I got dressed up as an Avatar for a friend's 30th - I promised you a pic so here it is (eek)

I know, I know, I look like a twat but that what fancy dress is for!! 

Anyway, back on topic, obviously I got pretty drunk. I tumbled into a cab at about half past three in the morning, somehow was sober enough to wash ALL of my make up off before bed and then I promptly fell into bed STARKERS because I just couldn't function anymore to put on my PJs. 

Sunday morning brought with it glorious sunshine and horrendous body issues! WTF?! No hangover just a body that felt as though I'd been run down by a train, followed by a truck and swiftly beaten to a pulp by the Hulk. My throat ached, my nose hurt, I was suffering from an awful neck pain, shoulders ached, and my legs felt like dead weights.   

When did going out for a night of drinking, fun and dancing mean ending up in that state? 

I am not prepared. I guess my next online food shop will include more paracetamol and apparently some Deep Heat - good god! 

Taking care of the fam

My nan & grandad are getting on a bit now. Neither of them can really get around easily and I swear they rattle when they move for the number of pills they have to take. 

I love them dearly and am dreading the day *sob*, you catch my drift. But I've got to say what scares me most, hand on heart, is my grandad's driving in his death trap of a car. I swear to god, my hands ache after a trip with him from gripping the seat in fear for my life! 

So I'm in a bid to get my siblings and cousins saving £100-£150 a piece between now and Christmas (should be a piece of piss, right?) so we can go in together on a secondhand car. It's got to be better than what they've got now. We've also got to consider the state of my grandad's driving... there's no chance I'm trusting him with a new one. 

I just hope the family will all be on board. 

All for one....