On Friday night I went to meet a friend for a drink in Putney. It was a gorgeous evening and although I was feeling anxious about my first weekend alone, I enjoyed the sun setting and how beautiful my surroundings were. Do you ever get a high from nature? God, I love walking through parks, beside water or just being outside in the country!
Here's a pic I took of Putney Bridge.
Anyway, my friend had been in Putney with a male companion all afternoon, eating, drinking and enjoying deep conversations. I arrived to join them at a time when they were discussing 'presence' and the reason we do react to things in certain ways.
Chris is the founder of
Take a Challenge. He is dedicated to helping others achieve their goals through his physical and emotional experience's of life's challenges, and trust me he's had some challenges. I digress, we discussed our understanding of our core being, our feelings/gut not emotions and how many of us lose that connection after the age of 8. Chris was basically saying that we as human's need to rekindle that connection in order to be true to ourselves and get to most out of living happy. Sounds similar to what was discussed in that webinar I wrote about '
awakening your inner coach', doesn't it?
"
We should be like dogs" he said "
You can leave a dog alone for a whole day, forget to feed them, tell them off or shout at them, and they will still love you. They are not expecting anything of their day, from you (other than to feed them), they just love."
I found what he was saying fascinating but I was plagued with the doubt that we could truly live like that. It was an idealistic view of life. He said we should live in the moment, be 100% present, not thinking or worrying about what has passed or what is to come, that we should live to give, with
NO expectations.
No dinner and half a bottle of prosecco later, we were leaving and I felt enlightened, i.e. PISSED. I wittered on to my friend about this theory in relation to the ex-boyf. I've constantly said that since the day he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that my love for him was not finished, it hadn't reached the end. In my opinion he was calling it too soon.
After this conversation of giving without expectation I started to wonder whether I could continue to love him without any expectation. Could I be there to share private but not intimate moments with him, enjoy his company with NO expectation that he would miss what we had, miss me and want me back?
Expectation is the root of all heartache - William Shakespeare
On Saturday I had to be back at the old flat to wait for a courier to collect some items I had arranged to sell. I saw him briefly in the morning before he went off to work and I was still there when he returned six hours later. I felt guilty that I was in his 'space' and wished that the courier had been already so that I wasn't left loitering around like some abandoned puppy.
Turns out we had a lovely couple of hours. We chatted, a little about us but mostly about him, which he never did; we had tea, had a giggle and shared a nice peace-offering hug. When I left him that evening I felt like "Yes, yes I can love him with no expectation". However, a day later and I'm feeling down, missing him intensely and constantly checking my phone in case he's sent me a message, because if he's sent me a message it would mean he was thinking of me… there's never a message.
*sigh* Maybe I'm just trying too hard to feel okay, after all I did get a tattoo to remind me to take things one step at a time... but I'm impatient, I'm emotionally exhausted and I want him back!
(leaves post for an hour)
I just got a text from the ex-boyf about meeting up at the weekend for an event…
