Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Seven

Freak Of Nature

Oh. Holy. Shit. I have had a nightmare week. 

First, I got into the office on Monday to find that all the work we've done towards the video stuff (scripts, guidelines, research, etc) has gone, poof, disappeared. Six weeks of work - I'm not ashamed to say that I cried.

Then the crazy guy from my post Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Five, has ramped up the volume on the psycho notch. I feel like I've ended a relationship and he's trying to convince me otherwise except in this case I HAVE NEVER MET HIM! 

Seriously!

Monday night I received two voicemails and countless 'apologetic but meaningless' texts after I had to block him from sending me whatsapp messages. 

Tuesday morning he called again, from a private number.  

Yesterday he text me again. This experience was starting to freak me out. I replied - why? because this guy needed to be told about himself. His persistence to contact me after I had asked SEVERAL times to stop is the exact reason I blocked him in the first place. He apologised. 

It was over. I went to bed with a sense of closure and slept deeply, peacefully. 

This morning... ready for a new day… he called again, leaving a voicemail, inviting me to his birthday drinks tomorrow night.

"If you decide to come, and you like me, it will make it the best birthday EVER." 

I mean, what the actual f**k? I'm beyond speechless and I'm also really uncomfortable, to the point that I feel irrationally scared. 

I've asked him to stop. 

I've told him to stop. 

Now I'm ignoring him. 

What scares me most is that he doesn't see his behaviour as inappropriate. He feels that if he contacts me enough times, exercising the exact behaviour he is apologising for, I'll be won over.

10 missed calls, 7 voicemails, 573 texts *swoon* I'm yours! - er, nope. I don't know what rule book he's reading from, but in mine, that s**t is CRAZY.  

                                                                                     *because I never did!

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Six

So I signed up for a 10K run with some friends, as I wrote in Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Three, with an aim to complete in under an hour. 

I'd been training with #LazyGirlRunning since the beginning of January. I signed up because I needed something to motivate me to go running on a regular basis and it was nice to run with other people, even though I'm a complete social retard and tend to stick to myself. 

Over the weeks I noticed that I had more power, I was faster and my level of endurance was higher. So in the end, I smashed the time I was aiming for and completed in under 50 minutes! 

So proud. 

My calves were tight as hell and my left ankle, which has been acting up recently, behaved itself and saw me through. I'm taking a little break to recover but I'm already on the look out for another 10K that I can sign up to.  

On the day we all met up at the registration desk, dropped in our bags and picked up our t-shirts. There was a nice mix of girls and guys and friendly acknowledgement of the times we all wanted to aim for. 

By the first corner, we'd pretty much split up. The boys dashed off, the girls hung back, and I set off at my own pace watching my breathing and trying not to twist my ankles on the verges. 

They - whoever 'they' are - were right when they said running is a mental exercise. I really struggled around 8K; I felt absolutely exhausted and all I could think of was that a half marathon was over twice the distance I was running! Urgh. 

Still, I was stoked with my race time. A few of the guys had finished ahead of me so it was great to have them cheering me on at the finish line, and welcomed the pulled pork sandwich and beer I ordered in a local pub afterwards with great appreciation. 

#LazyGirlRunning starts up again in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to pushing myself a little harder for better results :)      

Keep on running peeps! 

Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

Finding That Secret Formula

And let me tell you, it's not Twiglets! (I've been eating a lot of these of late)

What with the theme of my last few posts being about me feeling down and whatnot, I've been trying to climb out of this funk and evoke some Christmas cheer.

I work on the Commercial floor at my company. The average age on this floor is probably about 25 and they have been playing Christmas songs since mid-November. I've always LOVED Christmas but this year I seem to be the resident Grinch... the songs have not helped! I've been included in their floor Secret Santa and invited to their floor party.

I have resisted the 'far-too-early' singalongs, boozy Friday night gatherings at the company bar and the Christmas jumper outings BUT they have now introduced a desk decoration competition and THAT is something I find fun!

Some have gone for a 80's retro look, i.e. brightly coloured foil lanterns and banners, some have embraced a film theme 'Narnia' with an actual Fur Coat rail and tables littered with fake snow, we've got a real tree, Santa's workshop with elves (colleagues wearing elves hats and ears)... I've gone for a minimalist but stylist look.

My office has glass walls and door so I've cut out snowflakes and icicles and decorated some of the glass. I've not finished yet. Still got a few more snowflakes to make, and I want to create a small family of polar bears (got some spare A3 paper) - anything I can do for free.

I'm not giving in and buying tinsel or anything because it's all going to be thrown away in a couple of weeks... though I've just heard there's a celebrity judge, but I love a bit of arts and crafts :)

Anyway by joining in a bit I'm feeling happier. Even though it only lasts a short while, I'm no longer all "BAH HUMBUG".

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Pin-Addict

I love everything about Pinterest.

I happily waste a good few hours a week on it, pinning items I wish I had, quotes/saying I wish I had the guts to say, and places I wish I could go.

At the moment my biggest addiction is pinning decor for the home I 'hope' to buy, but will never be able to afford.

I pin anything I like. There's no real theme, except comfort.

I'm a girls girl so there's plenty of floral and colour, possibly and man's nightmare but from my experience they don't even notice unless it's pointed out to them… much like dust!

So I'm following an uber cool thread on Google + called Housetohome for inspiration and get emails from Joss & Main.

I have a good idea of how I want my living area and my kitchen. Ideally I'd love a cottage, so incorporate that into my pins. I think of coming home to sink into a comfortable sofa, surrounded by cushions, neutral and calm colours, making a cup of tea on my AGA ;)

Here are a few examples...

  

If you're more into cool prints, shower curtains and accessories, head to the American site Society6. Absolutely love the random bits you find on there.

I definitely nest. My home is my haven. It's the place I centre myself after a rough day or a hard experience. If my home is in order, life seems more bearable.

What centres you?

A Year On: Believe In Your-F**king-Self

Confidence.

It's so complex.

I was having a conversation the other week with a male friend of mine and at one point it got amusingly heated because though he said he felt he was winning in the end we just ran out of steam. I kept fighting back his argument. I wasn't wholly destroying it because I partly agreed with him, but what I was trying to say was:

Men and women will never be equal because we play from different rule books and speak a different language.

True, no?

Now when I said this to one of my closest female friends she almost slapped me, but hear me out...

I'm not claiming that women are the weaker sex; women lift weights, run ma-hou-sive organisations & countries - we are NOT weak, it's just that most of us merely approach things from a different perspective to men and THAT's what I'm getting at.

It's also driven by the perception of how a woman should act.

Most of the time if a woman says she doesn't want to have children, people bulk. If she has children but leaves them most of the day because of her passion for her work, she's seen as neglectful. If she acts in a way that appears detached, she's viewed as cold-hearted and called a bitch. Men, not so much. They'd be praised and more often than not, promoted.

The conversation all stemmed from a simple question:

Do you think you're confident? 

I can be, in situations. On the whole, I wouldn't say I was. As an Aries, confidence is supposed to be ingrained but I have deep insecurities I try to keep hidden, that I cannot explain. One characteristic I do have of a typical Arian is that I hate failure but the fear is so large I just don't try.

When I look in the mirror I'm aware of the things that can be improved, which is bizarre when others around you are saying otherwise.

How easy is it to REALLY change that behaviour and turn limiting beliefs into positive ones?

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

I don't have MONEY on my mind

Approximately 90% of people will see the same word first. But what does that word mean to you in terms of your priorities?

It could mean that the first word you see is the topic that's most on your mind at that time, in my case it's a matter of the heart. But then, how much are your results determined by the limited word offerings, their placement, or our western tendency to read from left to right, top to bottom?

I wrote down my top TEN in the order they 'appeared' to me:
Love
Experience
Success
Health
Power
Intelligence
Honesty
Beauty
Youth
Time
… Money

What do you see?

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Having trouble sleeping…

I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I lie awake for - god knows how long because I don't want to check my phone - I listen to the sounds of traffic coming from the road below me, and I wait. I've invested in an eye mask to keep the light out, I've stopped drinking caffeinated tea after 6pm and I've not had a drop of alcohol for 3 days.

Three weeks of high fat, high sugar indulgence is showing it's ugly head, and messing with mine. So I have to be careful with what I eat until my sleeping habits return to normal because not only does sleep deprivation literally mess with your mind but it seriously screws with your appetite as well.

When deprived of sleep, the body produces more ghrelin, a ”hunger hormone”, that increases your desire to eat… and eat… and eat.

Simply by getting enough sleep your body will better regulate those hunger cues all on its own, which will make it easier for you to moderate your consumption of any tasty, but pesky, leftover holiday treats that have managed to sneak their way into your office.

Moral of the story… Sleep more, snack less. Sleep more, weigh less.

Amen!

Die HOPE, Die

This was the reason I shouldn't have given into seeing him. My mind goes off on it's on tangent and creates ridiculous fantasies of romantic reunions, hand holding and skipping off into the horizon towards Happily Ever After!

It's all BULLSH*T and it won't stop.

I've tried TVD (The Vampire Diaries) marathons, the gym, unpacking and repacking, Pinterest, hell I've even signed up to Tinder to try and focus on other men!

I can't sleep, my diet this week has gone to pot and I'm uber frustrated. Three months ago I'd be desperately holding on to these insane imaginations of getting back together but now I've accepted the truth they're just darn annoying.

How do you extinguish the flame?

It's sad to say but that LOVE has no place here anymore, so how do you turn it off?

No time to excuse-ercise

I've gotten lazy.

I used to walk to and from work every day without fail through rain, sleet and proper snow. For the last 2 months I've taken a bus every day. It's been an added expense when really I could have flipping walked. Now I'm moving further away and I'll HAVE to get public transport, I'm kicking myself for not making the most of the opportunity.

I managed to get myself into a routine of hitting the treadmill and doing a little strength training 2-3 times a week AND eating healthier - as opposed to not eating at all, which was the case in September.

How is it possible to lose your fitness mojo when just yesterday it was SO strong?

So this is my vow: I WILL go to the GYM or a 20-30 minute run 3 times a week AND walk at least half of my journey into, and home from, work.

It's a start.

I don't want to fall back into the rut I found myself in earlier this year where I couldn't be arsed to do ANYTHING, except moan about how unfit and fat I thought I was. Jesus, no wonder he bloody dumped me :) - I know, poor humour.

My gym stuff is here (at work) with me today and I'm in two minds to hit the tread instead of staying behind for a couple of drinks with guys from the office and treat myself with 15 minutes in the sauna.

Then again I could do this tomorrow instead, if I'm not moving - and here we go again…

Train journey from hell

"Er, excuse me, you're sitting in my seat"

The woman I've spoken to looks up at me and then around at empty chairs surrounding us. 

"Can you not sit somewhere else? I'm all comfy now."

I'd be fucking comfy too if you got out of my fucking seat, but instead I did that English thing we do and not cause a scene.

Now I'm stuck with an older guy resting his musty smelling arse on my shoulder after he's thrust his groin in my face a few times whilst trying to put his bags on the rack above my head. 

And I'm not saying anything because I don't want to cause a scene!

It's been 20 minutes since he got on and invasion of my personal space started. If by the first station my situation hasn't improved I'm either going to snap and elbow him in the groin or I'll ask him 'politely' to move his wrinkly arse outta my face!