Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

GOOD friends

Recently I always seem to be in and out of a funny head space. And when I'm in those lows it's because I feel like I'm missing out on things.

People all around me are either buying houses, getting married, or having babies. And it's clear to me in those moments that he was right, I want or I'm ready for those things now.

I'm dead set on getting myself in serious shape and I'm trying to make the best of things at work in an effort to set myself up for a decent career in the future, but late at night, when the lights are out and the housemates are all settled, I think about these things.

Sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm deep into a scenario in my head and I have to force myself to go to sleep.

These pesky thoughts are a constant reminder that I'm lonely.

So it's great that I can escape them on nights like last night. Thriller LIVE (yes, again) with my ride or die chicks; the girls I met and have grown with through our late teens, early adulthood. These women know who I am, sometimes more than I do.

We sang, we danced, we laughed and we cried from laughing so hard. By the time we hugged and said our goodbyes, the smile on my face was there to stay for the rest of the evening.

Earlier in the day I'd signed up to a happiness challenge called #100happydays and I knew, even before I'd met them at our agreed spot, that they were my happiness on Day One. And when I fell asleep last night, my mind didn't wander, it didn't settle on my loneliness, it just drifted off into a warm nothingness where I replayed the night.

Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives and remembering what one receives. 

Alexander Dumas

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.

Brand New Start, Same Old Nonsense

I've moved - YAY! The last weekend of November 2013 was a hectic weekend of lugging boxes and personal affects, cleaning and furniture window shopping. I am still truly exhausted.

There were no tears but I did feel melancholy. I mean this is my life for the next year at least, and if I'm honest - I still hoped, you know? So I've got a new routine to get used to, new people to learn about and a new future to carve…

The countdown to the end of 2013 has begun. I'm making a note of 12 things I want to achieve/experience in 2014, one for each month of the year. So instead of New Years Resolutions, which I'll break within two weeks, I'm treating myself to 12 awesome activities.

I'm planning to have fun and let loose in 2014 - start really enjoying my life.

Friday night I was supposed to go out for a drink... with a boy. I was fretting about this because deep down I know I'm not over him but, as my friends have been saying, I've got to start somewhere.

Anyway, I was kind of excited. I'd spoken to this fella a couple of times during the week and he seemed really NORMAL and nice, why shouldn't I be excited? We were going to meet after work for a drink in London Bridge, as it's half way between our respective homes, but he bailed on me last minute; something to do with work. He suggested we meet on Sunday instead, 'I'll make it up to you' he said.

Now, I had a busy day Saturday.

I walked into Camden (I can do that from my new place) with my housemate Mel, we wandered around the market for a bit before she had to head back and I had rush around to buy some running gear. I had arranged to meet my old housemate/landlord that afternoon for a catch-up and to return my keys, then I was due to head down to Brixton for drinks with a colleague and friend.

I got in really late, swaying and glad I'd made the effort. Laziness would have had me staying in alone instead of socialising with new fun and friendly people, but I won this battle. So yesterday morning was a struggle.

Row, one of my other housemates, and I went to a vintage fair, enjoyed tea and cake, and then did a spot of shopping in Hampstead. I'd exchanged a couple of messages with this matey-boy but there was no mention of meeting up. It was his suggestion and he didn't even bring it up.

I just can't be bothered with that nonsense. I'm not looking for anything serious so I'm not fussed by it, just can't stand people wasting my time. So I stayed in and cooked a chicken curry for me and Row to enjoy. We stuffed our faces (she also bought naan bread and poppadoms) whilst watching X-Factor, followed by I'm a Celebrity and then Jess came home with 2 boxes of 12 Krispy Kreme's - OMG.

I had two. No wonder I couldn't sleep last night - on a sugar HIGH.

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

Bidding wars

I've never really tried to use eBay before. I have sold a couple of items on there but that's about it, never bought anything. In the last 2 months I've had to throw away a couple of my favourite pairs of shoes - my beloved converse (black & grey).

I decided, the cheapskate that I am, to buy a used pair because then not only would I be spending less money but I won't have to go through the 'breaking them in' pain.

Had a look on eBay, added a few items into my 'wish basket' and started bidding.
"Ooh 99p, yes please".
Within 30 minutes, these bad boys have crept up to £7 and there's still a whole day left on the offer.

I got into work this morning at 9am, I don't start until half past, and the first thing I did was log into my eBay account. I really want these hi-tops and the other bidders are really starting to annoy me.

I type in a pound more than what they've offered and I'm still out-bidded. How can this be? How fast are these people bidding? We still have over 6 hours left, why are they so desperate?!

I type in £2 more than the current bid and it's accepted. But hey, my bid amount isn't showing, yet eBay is telling me I'm now the highest bidder. I'm confused… Hang on a darn minute… what's this maximum bid thingy?

O M Jizzle, so this is how it works.

With 40 minutes left to bid, I'm the highest bidder at £26.50, still less than half the price for a new pair but I'll admit I'm not going over the half way mark for a used pair of trainers. They may be in 'good nick' but I'll be damned if I buy a used ANYTHING for close to the price of something new.

But it has to be said, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. And the best reward at the end of all this, even if I don't 'win' the trainers, I've not felt sad all afternoon :)

End of bid result: I got them! £31.00, steal of a price :D

GET IN!

D is for desperate (break-up mind dump)

I've not done one of these for a while, for which I'm grateful; but it becomes necessary when your mind is a whirlwind of questions, theories on what happened, and possible solutions.

This is what I'm working with:
1) He's not 100% sure he wants to have children with me
2) He feels I'm holding back on my career because I'm waiting for the marriage and the children
3) He's believes I deserve to be loved 100%
4) He has love FOR me… feels protective of me and cares about me
5) He feels SAD about everything

But I bet he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night paralysed with sadness about his dreams having been swept away, that a group of amazing people have just been removed from his life, that past happiness is now in doubt of ever being real, and the sad realisation that his ability as a partner has been under question for over a year…

I am deluding myself into believing that he's going through some 'stuff' that has absolutely nothing to do with me but he just feels that he needs to do this to sort it all out... it's so much easier to believe that over 'he's just not that into you'.

I feel empty. I bet he doesn't feel that either.

How can this be happening when it all seemed so perfect. We laughed, we talked, we planned, we shared, I loved…

The crazy thing is that if he took my hand this evening and told me that he's not sure he's doing the right thing and asked if we could work it out - I wouldn't hesitate. As far as I'm concerned there is something wrong in his head because this decision he's made, it's completely out of character. And then I question, how well do I really know him?

I thought I had found that grown up love. I thought we made each other happy.

I made him an offer last week. "Go! Go and experience that life you are craving on your own. Find that part of yourself you feel is missing, then come back to me because we are not finished." He acknowledged it but never agreed or disagreed to it.

In limbo I must float I guess because asking him anything else just makes me feel desperate, and though I feel it I don't want to show him. The person I am right now (the person he has made me) is not the person he fell in love with, if he ever loved me.