Short Story - Test Of Character

What am I doing?

Alex tossed and turned in bed as she fought the flutters of unwanted excitement she felt in the pit of her stomach. This guy was NO good, and yet she couldn't help but fantasise scenarios where she took him up on his offer.

Alex checked her phone again. No more messages received; not that it mattered. Her mind was running wild without the need for more interaction from him.

Was this guilt? 

It couldn't be. The thoughts she was having about him clearly proved that she wasn't as concerned about his situation as she probably should be, which was even more worrying. Did this make her an awful person? How could she even be considering this?

She mentally shook herself and stared out into the darkness of her room. Alex needed to have a word with herself, a bloody stern word. Nothing had even happened… but she knew deep down, if she could have her way something definitely would. 

Alex flung the covers from her body and kicked them off her feet. She was burning up. All these naughty thoughts about a man who was completely unavailable to her, was having the most ridiculous physical effect.

Alex snatched her phone from the bed side table and opened her messages. She typed a quite note to her friend, Nina, who knew them both, and then turned her phone off. She wouldn’t be able to settle if there was a chance he could message again.

Wide awake and mildly disturbed by her desire, Alex got out of bed and walked through the dark flat towards the kitchen. The rest of the house were fast asleep and as much as she wanted a cup of tea, it was unfair to boil the kettle so far into the night; she’d have to settle for water.

Winter was descending on them and the streets of North London were glistening under the early morning frost. Everything was very still, which made the scene even more beautiful. Alex stood at the window looking out on the world from her 4^th floor flat. Moments like this reminded her to be grateful for everything that she had in life. Though, this particular feeling of appreciation was tainted by her attraction to a married man.

Darren just had something about him. He was what I suppose you would call a “lad’s lad”. When Alex met him, she was instantly attracted to him. He was tall, held his own and was extremely well-dressed. He seemed to stick out for all the right reasons and yet wasn't quite centre of attention.

They had spotted each other across the bar and shared a flirtatious smile, which made Alex’s groin shamelessly tingle. They didn't speak until the very end of the evening but when they did, he won her over with his cheeky persona and intense gaze.

Alex had never wanted to kiss a stranger so much. She wanted him bad and despite after months of flirting, when she found out that he was in fact married and expecting his first child, that desire had never subsided.

Alex pushed herself off of the wall she’d been leaning on to gaze out of the window, crossed the front room to the sofa and settled on a corner, pulling the communal throw over her shoulders. She remained sitting in the dark room, resting her head against the cushion, listening to the sounds of North London at night.  

It was really grating on her that she had again unconsciously fallen for someone she couldn't be with. Over the years, Alex had noticed that this was a defence mechanism. She did it to protect herself from getting hurt but it didn't always work.

The sound of a night bus rolling past was closely followed by a few drunken giggles and shouts and then silence again. Alex closed her eyes, allowing the feeling of ‘home’ wash over her. Darren was bad news but he was a welcome distraction from the, occasionally overwhelming, loneliness she sometimes felt. 

And just like that, she drifted off into a comfortable sleep. 

Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

Mothers and Daughters

I wrote to my mum.

On Sunday night I was wide awake at midnight and I just felt like I needed to stop giving the silent treatment, which wasn't working anyway, and just say how I felt.

I don't think she fully understood the depth of how much her abandonment hurt me, but I guess her response and promise to try harder is a start.

I'm still going to spend Christmas with my grandparents this year though. An apology, of sorts, doesn't wipe the slate clean; we've got a lot of work to do on our relationship. However, I'm not punishing them with my absense, merely protecting myself from further disappointment.

"You always seem so self sufficient and not needing me".

I'm a grown ass woman who has a job and a rents her own home, yes, but I still need her, especially at times like that. Who the hell takes a termination in their stride?! And if she knew me at all she should know that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was old enough to take care of my baby (not so much a baby now as he's 24) brother.

I know that families aren't perfect, and I'm not asking for a phone call every day or family roasts every Sunday, I'd just like to have to do less of the initiating contact and organising; not to be taken for granted.

Actions shall speak louder than words...

Andrea Burden Painting

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

A Year On: Down With The Clique?!

Housemate 1 is going away for a month. A while back she mentioned getting someone in to cover her rent and asked myself and Housemate 2 whether we'd be okay with it.

My initial reaction was a positive shrug. But then Housemate 3, the one that didn't get asked and who doesn't really hold Housemate 1 is high regard, pointed out that this person would be a stranger in our rented accommodation, with a key and no contractual responsibility.

Suddenly Housemate 2 and I felt sheepish and wanted to retract our agreement.

Fast forward a couple of months forward, two days before Housemate 1 is due to fly out, and she's got interest from a friend of a friend. She WhatsApp's a message about it to the group chat asking if we're available to meet her. I'm the only one around this evening and Housemate number 1 won't even be home to greet her.

Housemate 2 and 3 won't be around and express reservations. Housemate 1 suggest getting locks on doors and seems surprised at the reaction.

I feel bad because she's right, the consensus was to meet the person first and now that she's pointed it out, it would be highly unlikely that the person would be a friend we'd get to spend time with beforehand because wouldn't that mean they've got somewhere to stay in London already?

Part of me wonders if Housemate 2 and I just rushed in with our initial okay or if we've actually been swayed by Housemate 3.

A quick interview style meet'n'greet the day before she's supposed to move in just doesn't sit right with me but... are we being too harsh?

Make An Effort

How do you know if/when your friendships have run their course?

Does the time between communication get longer and longer?
Do your meet ups suffer from those 'awkward' silences?
Are you making excuses NOT to see them?
Avoiding phone calls or your calls never answered?

And what happens if it's family?

I'm finding that my patience is wearing thin. I know I'm being stubborn but I'm just really sick and tired of being a pushover. I've always been the one to put myself out there, make the first contact but this time, I'm digging my heels in. And unfortunately that will mean me missing out on things, on people.

It REALLY upsets me that the people I love and care for the most seem to find it so easy to forget me, but life moves on. The sun rises and sets, bills still need to be paid, work still needs to be done.

Yet I feel selfish for not making an effort to communicate, to find out how they're doing, are they okay? But as time passes and my phone remains silent, I can feel a slow anger build inside of me.

So I get up, do my thing, try to do something every day that will help me improve, and repeat. Every day I'm changing, moving further away from the person they know. I'm moving on.

IF that means without them, so be it. I deserve better, even if what I really want is them to wake up and realise what's happening before it's too late.

Sadly, I know however far I get I'll always need them - and every night I wish they felt the same.

Over before it began

Whatever happened to men wooing women?

When exactly did the tables turn and the woman had to ask the man out for a date? I've heard the term "if you want something doing..." but this is a tad ridiculous.

At my age, I'm sorry to say, it's slim pickings. If they haven't got children already, they have serious baggage AND men just do not dust their shoulders off and get back on the relationship saddle in the same way that women do.

I mean, look at me; heart ripped from chest, stamped on, set alight and then promptly shoved back into my chest barely still beating, and yet I'm riding that old mare as if I never fell.

However, all my 'big and brave' talk means absolutely nothing when I'm trotting in a field full of seemingly gay horses. Obviously I'm not being literal but seriously, when did men making the first move become extinct?

I'm not looking to jump into another relationship by any means, I'm only just starting to enjoy this time on my own. I've managed to make working out into a habit, although like washing my hair I don't look forward to it because it's such an effort, I know with time I'll start seeing some great results.

It's been the same getting over him.

At first it was hard to get up every morning, hard to spend time on my own but the more time that passed, the more distance I put between myself and that event, I started to feel more content and appreciative of the things that I already had in my life which made me happy.

And now, what would make me that little bit happier is a smidgen of male attention.

What?

I'm still a hot-blooded female, last time I checked, with a cracking smile and a great personality (no that doesn't mean I'm ugly).

Such a shame that all this chit chat about men being stronger than women only applies to the physical and even then, it's all relative.

Come on boys, take a chance. 

Too good to be true

Have you ever felt like the stars had aligned and everything was finally going your way?

Your ego is being stroked - in a PC kind of way.

People are talking to you and about you as though your not the 'fake' you're always afraid of being found to be.

Your passions and interests are merging to create the 'dream' job.

The future is being painted in bright positive colours that call out to you.

You're dancing in the sunshine, in your prettiest dress, twirling, twirling... and then the skies open suddenly and it's raining all over your beautiful picture. Those clear, defined lines, now smudges on an old canvas - the dull picture from before becoming visible once again.

I know, it's shit.

But despite this hiccup, what is already going right for you?

Remind yourself of those things and don't allow the negative in. In may not have worked out this time round but it doesn't mean that it won't.

Get back to what you were doing and put in an extra 10%. Do it for you, to know that you mean business in everything that you do, whether you like it or not - remember?

We'll see who gets the last laugh....

Under the weather

What does that even mean? Whatever it is, I feel it.

Maybe it's the shock of doing serious exercise or the dramatic reduction in 'crap' but my body just cannot handle it. I'm annoyed though because I had a flu jab before Christmas and suddenly I'm experiencing flu-like symptoms.

When will winter be over?! I'm done with the dark, cold, the wet and windy - unless that's the name of an awesome cocktail. In which case, I'll be seeing you in February ;)

I can see why people who vow not to touch a drop to drink throughout Jan as a New Year's Resolution fail miserably and end up rob ably drinking more in the first 2 weeks of Jan than they did all of December. It's a crappy month. It's dark, you're back at work, you're broke because of Christmas, the weather is shite, etc

But don't lose hope.

If you are on that 'Dry Jan' journey like me, and have found yourself succumbing to winter weariness, treat yo self!

Schedule in a few evenings or days in the month where you do something for you. Be it time to soak in the bath reading a trashy novel, pampering yourself with a face steam/mask (boys too), doing your nails, watching your favourite programme or films back to back.

Turn off your phone. Log off Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tinder/POF and relax. Instead of that boring piece of chicken breast for dinner, grab a steak. Do something you love but feel you never have time for. Summer will soon be around, your social calendar will fill up and you'll really have time for yourself.

Use these annoying dull days to do something for you - even if that's planted to the sofa recovering from a stupid cold like me *sniff*

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

Full of you

My mind is full of you

I go to sleep with thoughts of you

I wake with thoughts of you

You haunt me 

Like a fragrance in the wind, lingering on

You are like a serpent 

Wrapped around me, refusing to let me free

I am SO mad at you for doing this to me 

But if you asked I would take you back

I cannot get over how 

I can still have love for you, dripping from me

Where yours has run dry

It is so unfair

That our love has changed 

Now my love, 

Unrequited 

Auditioning for a home

It's hard not to feel defeated when looking for a house/flat share after a break up, well at any time to be honest.

Trawling through adverts delivered as they match your search preferences, reading into the tone of the blurb (do they have a personality?) sending umpteen messages about yourself and trying to arrange viewings.

Then IF you get a response you are given a tour of the accommodation, mainly focused on the room you are hoping to rent, have a forced cheerful conversation in an attempt to impress followed by the WAIT. I've been to six viewings in the last two weeks; I've liked one, didn't get it and felt crushed.

I'm now looking for two rooms as a friend wants to move with me and I think I'll need her over the next few months. I've managed to secure a viewing today. Fingers crossed this one is perfect because I need to get out of my flat. Living with someone you love, but whom doesn't love you anymore is not healthy.

I thought, as we're still good friends, I could handle being there with him; and I can but I've suddenly noticed that he acts a bit differently now. That glint he always had in his eye when he looked at me as now disappeared. That. Just. Kills. Me.

Last night I cried for the first time in four days because I finally understood - this is it. I've been telling myself for two weeks that he still loves me, that he's going away to find himself but he'll be back in six months, a year, and we'll pick up where we left off because he loves me… but last night it finally clicked.

I obviously couldn't sleep so I spent a couple of hours, until my eyes wouldn't stay open a second longer, checking spareroom and gumtree, typing witty messages in an effort to show a bit of my sparkling personality.

I'm auditioning; applying for a role as a suitable housemate. There are no call backs - you're either in or you're out.

It's cut-throat, it's competitive and it's all just very overwhelming for me right now.

Kicking a habit

So I know I’ve been quiet for a few days but if I’m honest, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

Me and the boyf have called it quits.

Sounds so bizarre after I’ve been writing posts about how much I love him and idolise our relationship, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’ve found myself in a dark place this past week, my head shifting from complete understanding to a whirlwind of confusion.

I’ve tried to make him understand how and why I’m feeling the way I do but I just couldn’t quite articulate it correctly. I wanted to understand why it hurts so much, hoping that by knowing the emotional/physical reasons that I’d start to be able to come to terms with my new reality. As you do, you head to Google, and I found the following: Heal heartbreak

I think my favourite quotes from this article are “Separation annihilates all those lovely dreams - it wipes out all those fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.“ and "There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity."

That is exactly how I feel.

And get this explanation for the physical pain - you are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug.

In the midst of all this mind and heart paralysing state of affairs, I’m looking for a new place to live and a new purpose for life because, sad as it sounds, he was my passion.

I’ve got new friendships to make and new adventures to experience. Right now that seems SO daunting but time, they say, is a healer.

Thanks for your time

British people do not complain... we get shit service and we accept it, right? Well, in normal circumstances I don't really and get really angry about it afterwards. However, this blog post is actually an extension of a complaint that I've taken with the BUXTON Group for the last two months.

I'll give you some context and then I'll be sharing my, and the boyf's, communication with this stupid company. So, we rent a flat through an agency based in Shoreditch but the building we live in is owned or managed by the Fuckston, I mean, Buxton Group.

The boyf and I had been living in our one bedroom flat for 6 months before deciding to buy a sofabed so friends could stay. This meant we had to store the current sofa somewhere. We decided that it wouldn't hurt to put the sofa outside in our hallway in the meantime as there had been chairs sitting there since the day we moved in and it hadn't been a problem.

One day, I was leaving the flat to go to work and there was a man dismantling our sofa. I asked who he was and he claimed that he worked for the Buxton Group, that the sofa was a fire hazard and he had to take it away. I told him that it belonged to our landlord and that I'd need to inform the agency we rent the flat through. He said he'd get in touch with them himself. Anyway, I left and emailed my agency that day explaining what happened. But when I got home, this is what I found....

As if that's NOT a fire hazard now!! Before the sofa was pressed against the wall on the right, out of the way of the window. I was fucking fuming! So I wrote the following email....

Dear Scott, 

My name is Amy Gentles-McKie and I am a current tenant of 15 Turin Street, E2 6NJ. 

I'm forwarding an email I sent to a general information email address for Buxton Properties as though I was told the building is serviced or managed by the Buxton Group, I needed to report an incident I experienced last Monday. 

As I rent my flat through an agency I had no means to confirm your company details except for the Cleaning Attendance signing sheet we have taped up in our hallway. Our agency was kind enough to pass on your email address but only after I sent the original email. 

I do hope you can help as I'm slightly concerned that what I experienced may have potentially been a burglary in action.  

I hope to hear from you soon. 

Fwd: To whom this may concern, 

On Monday morning when I was leaving my flat for work at about 8.55am, I came across a man who said he worked for your company, dismantling a sofa that was being stored at the end of our landing. The sofa belongs to the flat I live in and we rent it through Bridge Estate Agents. 

This person said that it had to be removed immediately because it caused a fire hazard, even though it was neatly positioned out of the way, not obstructing any exits. We had already spoken to our neighbours that share the floor about storing the furniture out there and they had confirmed previous tenants had used that space to store items. My partner and I had just bought a new sofa and were making plans to put the old one into storage at the weekend anyway. 

I was a bit concerned that we were given no warning of it having to be moved, therefore not giving us a chance to arrange our own removal seeing as it is not our property but that of our landlord. I immediately contacted our agency, who were also unaware of this happening. 

When I returned home that evening I was met with the sofa partially dismantled and more of an obstruction than it had initially been thought - see attachment. We have now had to move the remainder of the sofa, as the legs and arms are now missing, back into our flat for safe keeping. 

This person said they would report to our agency as I had clearly said the property was that of the landlord and therefore managed by Bridge, but the agency have not heard anything as yet. This is the reason I am now contacting you.

I am deeply concerned especially now I have realised parts of the original sofa have been taken which could result in a cost to us through no fault of our own. 

I have also attached a photograph of the signed sheet for cleaning attendance that is currently taped to the wall of our main entrance hallway - please be aware that no name was signed on Monday this week. 

I would like to contacted, or at least my agency contacted, with an explanation and a time for the legs and arms of the sofa to be returned. My contact at the agency is Michael Murphy, whom I have cc'd in this email. 

Regards,

This email bounced and so I went searching online to find another email address or telephone number. I finally found another email address and sent the above to them, followed up with several calls that never got answered. By this point I'd had enough so the boyf's took over - he has more patience.

He finally got through to someone five days ago. The person on the phone wouldn't help - yes I said WOULDN'T HELP - but gave yet another email address to contact. The boyf sent this:

I've just been given this address following a telephone conversation with one of your colleagues.  She mentioned that you are out of the office today but would be contactable via email.

I'm a resident at 15 Turin Street, Bethnal Green.  Last month, my girlfriend and I purchased a new sofa and had placed our old sofa out in the hallway ready to be put in to storage.  As my girlfriend was leaving for work one day, she found a man dismantling the sofa, saying that he worked for the Buxton Group and was removing it as it was a fire hazard - it was not blocking any stairwells and was placed where two large chairs had been situated since we moved in to the property.  My girlfriend explained the situation, before heading off to work.  We arrived home to find half of the sofa gone.  We brought the remaining parts of the sofa back in to our flat and contacted Bridge Estate Agents and a Buxton Group representative about getting the rest of our sofa back.  We have not received any correspondence from anyone at your company and Bridge only direct us to you.

Obviously we would like the original sofa back or a suitable replacement, as we will be liable to pay for the sofa at the completion of our lease.

Please advise on how we should proceed.

Many thanks

No response. RAGE! So he called again yesterday and then sent me a text saying:
"Just spoke to a woman from the Buxton Group, so dismissive. I remained polite, but put the phone down and called her a f*****g w***e". 

She must have been a bitch if he got angry because he is such an easy-going guy. The agency contacted the landlord who called the Buxton Group; end result? They said it's OUR fault for leaving it out there. OUR FAULT.

I'm now going to contact the local police and seek advice as, as far as I'm concerned, that sofa was stolen and the Buxton Group are not taking responsibility for their dodgy employees.

So a word of warning to all those looking for a flat/apartment to live, renting or buying; double check who owns your building because the Buxton Group looks after number one!

My rant is over!

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Text message - fake

At lunch, when I was away from my desk, I sent myself a text message with the name of a columnist I wanted to research.

Just now I went to check my phone and saw I had received a message. I got all excited thinking it was someone of importance... obviously I was bitterly disappointed.

I lead a boring life

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

Up late, can't sleep, baring soul - Welcome!

If my life was someone else's I'd be shaking my head and thinking "she's fucked!"

But the craziest thing is that I feel a strange calm.

I need many things in my life;
Money - I'm happy with someone else's, Friends, Family, Happiness - yes, I mentioned the 'H' word again, but something I realised recently is I also need Time.

I have loved, deeply, and lost. Ever since I've been battling with getting over it, replacing the hole he left with drink, drugs and sex (no, not rock'n'roll) but at the end of the day I'm still empty.

Where I've been finding it hard, they've found it much easier and I'm happy for them, really. At first it hurt like a mother f**ker but eventually I realised that I WILL get there, I just need a little longer.

The same applies with my life. From the outside I look like I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'll let you in on a little secret... I don't! I'm completely winging it. I've never known what I wanted to do and still to this day, 41 days till I turn twenty-five, I'm just as clueless.

But I'm not giving up hope. Because I know in time I'll figure out what I'm meant to do with my life, and I'll find someone to replace the drink, drugs... I think I'll keep the sex. But in the meantime, keep a look out for my late night soul baring sessions. I'll be here all week x

WISH I MEANT MORE

Sitting here, waiting for you to join me.
Oh dear, I let myself get carried away again.
Getting my hopes up that you actually want to spend time with me.
What a fool!
Why on earth would you want to do that?