When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Just Keep Swimming - motivational quotes

When it gets hard to focus or you lose sight of your goal, sometimes a little reminder does the trick!  

 

 

 

 

Pass the **** out

So guys, day one didn't go according to plan, but when does anything.

I was away this weekend visiting the ailing grandparents and had packed some running gear but because it was raining heavily both days, I didn't make it out.

Monday, back at work, I had the brainwave that I'd do this 21 day workout thingy I wrote about in my last post. However, because I wasn't expecting to go to the gym when I packed for the weekend, I forgot 2 vital things... my padlock and more importantly, my membership card. They wanted to charge me £20 for guest pass - safe to say, I went home.

Anyway, yesterday (initially day two) I came prepared.

Day One's workout was pretty much interval running for 52 minutes. There are 3 levels to try over the 3 weeks you follow the regime. I can run comfortably at the suggested level 2 speeds already so I decided to start with those. the plan was to then do Day Two afterwards.

I did the run. 5 miles later and I'm seriously sweaty and ready to collapse.

Usually I'd be happy to go home at this point but I drag myself over to the weights area and grab two of the 6kg dumbbells. I push out 4 sets of 15 bench press, alternating with 4 sets of 8 split squats on each leg.

The burn at this point is making me feel a bit sick, but that's only 2 of the suggested 7 exercises in the programme.

Because there are no mats around for push-ups, some of the men at the gym stand in this area barefoot - euw, I continue with the bench press but upping my weight to 8kg and reducing the number of reps to 10 (this must sounds so boring to those of you who are just not interested in this kind of thing - trust me, I used to be one of those people) alternating the heavier sets with dumbbell deadlifts.

I'm supposed to do ab work... that's all I have to say on that.

My quads feel like they are on fire and my hips are really sore. In the shower I stretch; before bed I do a few moves to open up my hip region and then I pass the **** out.

I'm out at gigs for the next two nights and have plans for Friday so am unable to continue with my workout. I should have just started this at the weekend - HINDSIGHT

Still...

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

The wind blowing against my skin, pushing my cardigan away from my body

Mellow guitar cords strumming in my ears

Making the perfect soundtrack

All these elements create a feeling inside of me that I just can't shake

Like it's haunting me 

Life is going on around me

Happy, smiling

Painful, sad 

A group of girls giggling

A father pushing a buggy

Lads playing football

And me, the observer of life

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

Are you worth it?

I'm doing Dry Jan. I almost wrote 'attempting' but I know I can do this.

I was never really a big drinker before the break-up, don't get me wrong I liked a drink but since August most of my social activities have been mainly drinking based. I know it's bad to wait until the New Year to make changes but in a sense it's kind of easier; you've got a clear starting and end point.

Anyway, I digress, so it's been six days and I've not given in to having a drink, which is quite a feat considering the amount of alcohol we still have at the flat and my housemates like a cheeky wine with dinner. I've not really been tempted either.

I have lapsed on the sugar though :( I just cannot stop myself when I'm at home. I just want to eat, eat, eat. But I should give myself a little slack. I can't do everything at once because it'll be too hard and far too daunting a task, resulting in a massive binge and no doubt 500 steps in the wrong direction.

So I'm sticking with just a few goals for January:

• Try to get in at least 3 forty-five minute workouts in a week. Running, weights, walking, Zumba, an hour on the Wii - anything!
• Cut out the following from your diet - fizzy drinks, alcohol, junk/fast food
• Reduce the number of lunches you buy on the day to one a week
• Do 10 push-ups every day... and I mean EVERY DAY

Got my personal training session tomorrow with Kix Training and I'm excited. He's going to work me till I cry but if it gets me to where I want to be, I'm up for it. I've made too many excuses for too long and I know I cannot do this alone. 

It's going to take time. 

It's going to take discipline. 

It's going to take a lot of hard work. 

But it's all going to be worth it :) 

It's those little things

I got my hair did - done :) and I think I look completely different.

It's taking some getting used to because there's a lot of it and it's much heavier but it's nice to feel different, even if it's superficial.

I sat at home last night reading some chick lit on my kindle and I had my iTunes playing a loud on random. Suddenly this song came on, I didn't even know I was paying any attention to it until I burst into tears - oh dear. And that was it. It took about 45 minutes to get a hold of myself again but for the rest of the evening my head swam with memories and I was overtaken with a new sense of loss.

It's been over a month since I last saw him - the longest time period in 2 years. I still think about him every day in some way or another but I must confess that it is getting easier… obviously when I'm not hijacked by traitorous repressed emotions. I hope that he misses me too but there is a good chance that he doesn't, and that's okay it really is because we're no longer a couple, we no longer have ties, and most importantly he's entitled to move on.

I'm currently busy looking for new rooms to rent, in fact I've got two viewings this evening, which is exciting. But I am in a bind, I'm not sure if I should tell my landlord that I'm looking or just surprise him with a month's notice once I've found a place.

I've also got three exciting weekends lined up. This week I'm off to the country to visit my grandparents where I'm also planning on attempting my first 7-10 mile run (eek), next weekend I'm going to the ARCTIC MONKEYS CONCERT, visiting the BRUTAL exhibition, have a dinner party invite for a friend's birthday and a brunch date, and the following weekend I'm dressing up for Halloween for work, going to two fancy dress parties - Great Gatsby themed for my cousin's 18th and 90's pop acts themed for my friend's 29th. And that's October done and dusted.

I'm grateful for my health, my friends and family and for the little things that make me smile every day.

If you're going through something similar, it's not hopeless but it helps to just get through each day as it comes x

Quick fix

So though most will be wishing away the remaining days of this short week, due to the bank holiday, I will be moping about in my new room in my new onesie.

I am absolutely dreading this move. Although I am happy with the property and its occupant, I just do not want to live there. No offence to my new roomie, I'd feel this way if I had to move anywhere. It's because I do not want to move on without him.

This is going to be a major shock to the system and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to face up to reality; the "sticking my head in the sand till it blows over" technique, is one I'd gladly adopt. 

EVERYONE is telling me it'll all be okay, it takes time, it'll get easier - well it doesn't feel that way right now and that's all I can wrap my broken self around at the moment. 

I try to think about the people who are worse off than me, how they still get up every day and 'plod on' because that's life, it keeps on moving, but I feel stuck; like my feet are cemented to the ground and no matter what I do I cannot move - in any direction! I just end up flapping my arms about like some loon, begging for assistance but I'm told over and over the same solution, something that will take ages to take effect. 

It's no good - I'm an Aries, impatient, I need a quick fix, give me a damn quick fix!