Start From Scratch

You could move to a small town
Leave behind everything you know
Head to a place you can start again

Work as a waitress
In a cafe off the main street
Be someone new, a new life, a new name

The let downs, new expectations
Pressure, the moment you step out the door
It would be nice not to feel

Time can only do so much
Friends can only listen so long
Moving forward is the way to deal

You could drive out to the ocean
Throw pebbles out into the sea
One for every day things were fine

You could move to a small town
Because you are healing, getting stronger,
One step at a time.

Ghosts of relationships' past

My emotions were pushing hard against the barriers I've put in place to keep them contained and cracks were appearing. It was getting too much for me to carry, standing tall.

My fitness has been slipping, something I'd grabbed hold of over the last few months, something I could control. I have been losing myself to it all the last couple of weeks - the stress of looking for a 'home', a place I could start again, the loss of HIM and our friendship, our love, our connection, possible future.

And then HE texts me.

When the floodgates opened I was scared that I'd relapse. Taking deep breaths seemed to make me feel like I was shrinking, my surroundings growing bigger, closing in on me. The only thing to do was to embrace it but power through whatever I was doing, not stopping to let it take over me completely.

I slept uneasy, made restless by my thoughts - what do I want?

HIM - still *sigh*

But I made the right decision… for me

The sun was shining when I woke this morning so I decided to walk part of the way into work, the crisp air pinking up my cheeks. I could feel the part of my anxiety easing with every step I took, the act of being outside in the winter sun, moving forward.

Putting aside the feelings that had haunted me all night I'm ready to tackle a new day…

My phone beeps, it's one of the girls I'm hoping to move with - we got the flat we'd had our hearts set on.

Finally, I can begin to move on.

Final straw

I have reached my limit. I feel so utterly miserable about my living arrangements.

In hindsight I totally rushed into this decision but I felt it was right at the time.

Saturday morning was spent skulking about in my room and cleaning the bathroom (I hope to his high standards) until he left the house.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I've not left anything out of place; I even plump up the cushions on the sofa so it looks like I've not been in there.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

So I've made plans to stay with a friend until I can find something more permanent, which I hope is ASAP. I want to be in my new 'home' by Christmas. It's time to start my new life.

Sisters doing it for ourselves

So after my rant about everything being sh*t and my stupid housemate complaining about me leaving an empty loo roll in the bathroom, I decided to matters into my own hands.

I woke up on Monday morning and was like "right, f**k this sh*t, time to take control". I logged into Spareroom and fired up it's buddy up option. After reading through a few profiles of girls looking for something similar to me in the same kind of areas I was and with the same budget I drafted an email and sent it out with hope that they were as tired as I was of the whole room search.

Within a couple of hours I'd heard back from them all, excited and raring to go. Throughout the week we've been firing emails back and forth arranging a time to meet each other, arranging viewings and general banter.

Last night we went to see 2 flats and finished the night at a pub, chatting, joking and genuinely enjoying each others company. It was fantastic and I feel re-energised knowing that wherever we end up, it'll be a home because the effort we'll all put in making it so.

It's about time for some happier frickin' days :)  

Oh no you didn't - yes, yes I did *hangs head in shame*

It's been a drunken, emotional weekend; and I had my first EVER experience of a drunken text to the ex :/

I was swaying in the middle of an O'Neill's pub after enjoying a fun and fancy-free evening at my cousin's 18th; my state sponsored by Captain Morgan's and coke. I don't know why but I just suddenly started to miss him. I knew then and there that I needed to stop what I was drinking and head home, home for that evening being my mum's couch.

I jumped into a cab, mum in tow, stumbled out of my dress and heels and collapsed on the sofa. Even as I was writing the text, I could barely see it, I knew it was a BAD idea and yet I still ploughed through the pain of double vision and sent it.

Sleep swept me off into oblivion for a few hours but I woke up feeling physically sick at my weakness and of course, I've received no response - not that I expected one.

I got a text from a flat I really wanted to say, oh what a surprise, I didn't get it.

Then last night my housemate accused me of 'taking my eye off the ball' because I've forgotten to throw out the empty toilet roll once or twice and I don't stand around all night listening to him witter on about stuff I don't find interesting. I NEED to escape.

SO not happy right now :(

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It's out. After a week, it's out. 

They said it would settle but you know when your body is telling you something, you just bloody listen. My head was telling me it was too heavy, too exposed, and f**king uncomfortable. I slept badly and in turn found myself being grumpy and eating sugary foods to keep my energy up.

When you've managed to lose 8lbs and been able to keep it off over 2 months, you don't want to fall back into bad habits. I look good and I feel good. Sacrificing that for cool hair… er, no! So it's back to my natural tresses, although I shall be wearing it semi-straight during the week.

Rolling stone

I'm still struggling with this room search. Spareroom is leaving me ready to breakdown.

It's almost as expensive to rent a room in my ideal location, as it would be to rent a studio or 1 bed flat somewhere a bit further out. I'm now in a position where I have to question whether comfort (standard of accom) and location are worth spending upwards of 65% of my monthly salary on rent & bills. Trying gumtree for a week.

I really don't want to be in this house when Christmas rolls around. I'm tired of my own company - is that weird? I mean I like the odd day to do nothing but relax with myself, reading of having a movie day but I still feel that odd anxious feeling when I've got an entire free weekend looming on the horizon and knowing that my Sunday spent on the sofa will benefit by having others around, just makes me feel more comfortable.

Best way to get over someone...

People are pushing me to get out there and date. Let me make this clear I.AM.NOT.READY. I'm not even thinking about that yet. Yeah the colder months would be nicer if I had someone to snuggle with BUT no, no, no. It'll happen when it happens, until then I'm fine just trying to settle into my new single status; there'll be no rushing in that department. Unless Ben Cohen (Strictly Come Dancing) leaves his wife and children ;) What a dancing hottie!

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

Quick fix

So though most will be wishing away the remaining days of this short week, due to the bank holiday, I will be moping about in my new room in my new onesie.

I am absolutely dreading this move. Although I am happy with the property and its occupant, I just do not want to live there. No offence to my new roomie, I'd feel this way if I had to move anywhere. It's because I do not want to move on without him.

This is going to be a major shock to the system and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to face up to reality; the "sticking my head in the sand till it blows over" technique, is one I'd gladly adopt. 

EVERYONE is telling me it'll all be okay, it takes time, it'll get easier - well it doesn't feel that way right now and that's all I can wrap my broken self around at the moment. 

I try to think about the people who are worse off than me, how they still get up every day and 'plod on' because that's life, it keeps on moving, but I feel stuck; like my feet are cemented to the ground and no matter what I do I cannot move - in any direction! I just end up flapping my arms about like some loon, begging for assistance but I'm told over and over the same solution, something that will take ages to take effect. 

It's no good - I'm an Aries, impatient, I need a quick fix, give me a damn quick fix!