Do you have self-discipline?

My friend sent over a link to me this morning titled:

No Excuse! The Power of Self Discipline

So far I've only managed to listen to the first 18 minutes of it. Not because it's heavy going, it's just not something you can listen to whilst trying to think, plan or note down others things; it's something you should really pay attention to.

However, even above the hubbub of my normal working day I heard something important, something that made me stop what I was doing and listen properly. It was this quote:

"Self discipline is the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not."

Whether you LIKE it or NOT. 

Now, that's where my ears pricked up. That has made me sit at my desk and reflect on all the things that I do because I'm too lazy to put in the hard work. 

My career. So I've never known what I've wanted to do in life, but if I had put in the HARD WORK who knows where I'd be now. 

My fitness. My ex was a PT. He would talk for ages about the things he'd read or learnt, tried to show/guide me a few times, he thought I was good enough to be a Zumba instructor and so paid for me to get my certificate. Though I found it all interesting, the healthy eating, meal planning, weight lifting, responsibility... it all seemed like such HARD WORK. So, two years on, I'm at square one instead of square 50 or something. 

My finances. I've been very open about my weakness for spending. I like pretty things, what can I say? I want those gorgeous Irregular Choice shoes, I want that nice fake fur coat, I want those trainers, that tattoo, to go to that gig... etc. Saving means I miss out on those things. Saving means I'm at home because I cannot 'afford' to go for drinks AND put money away this month. Saving sounds boring. It's all just too much HARD WORK. 

18 minutes was all it took for me to start thinking perhaps taking the 'path of least resistance' isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

Watch this space people! 

Waiting for the phone to ring

I've never been very good at the whole dating thing. I've kind of just ended up getting into relationships with friends, or friends of friends.

They already know some or all of my 'special' qualities so I'm more comfortable around and that makes the flirting side of things A LOT easier.

My ex and I met under special circumstances. We took things into our own hands. If we hadn't I'm sure we would probably have never met. And, though it ended, we had a great time together.

So here I am, single, my heart on the mend and a recent influx of male attention. A guy has asked me out on a date, we've confirmed the day but not the time and that's the last I've heard from him.

I refuse to get in contact with him first but am I entitled to feel pissed off with the fact we've not communicated for over 5 days?

I feel like calling the whole thing off just out of principle.

Urgh, what a headache!

End Of The Road

So, we made it
It's been six whole months
Have we really changed?

I am confused,

Shouldn't things get better?

Yes, time passes

But the reasons it's over still matter.

Is my laughter really real,

Or have I found it's the only way?

Taking those deep breaths, in and out,

Denying things I still want to say.

Nobody wants to hear it any more, 

Because it seems enough time has passed.

I should just be over it all,

No longer allowed to feel so crushed.

You don't call or text,
I guess that says it all really.
My days and nights are still full of us,
But you're managing fine without me.

And that's normal I suppose,
I mean, you wanted it this way.
You want to find true love, that's not me I get it,
I just wish I felt the same.

So smile, be happy, move on, go date

That's what I should do.

And only ever cry, hidden, when I remember,

That all I ever wanted,
Was you.

What's stopping you?!

Am I waiting for things to get better instead of just making them happen?

Because:
I'm unsure of what I want
I'm scared
I still want what I once had

So many reasons, barriers, excuses and all of them feel valid at the time said.

But then I think, a year ago I really struggled to run for 5 minutes consistently. I wanted to be better so I tried a little bit harder every time. Now I can run, comfortably, for just over an hour and I'm aiming for a half marathon next year.

It's all about taking baby steps. That's why I'm not pushing myself to feel 100% normal, 100% of the time.

I need to figure out what is really bothering me, what areas of my life I can improve and how?

Tonight I'm off out to see some fireworks with a friend. It's not going to be a late one so I should get home in good time to take a look at this: 

It's a wheel of life. 

If I can chart where I feel I am in each area NOW to identify what areas I'd like to improve and then jog down some action points to make them better, with a deadline - because every goal needs a deadline, perhaps I will stop feeling so listless in this immense period of change?! 

Will report back :D 

Oh no you didn't - yes, yes I did *hangs head in shame*

It's been a drunken, emotional weekend; and I had my first EVER experience of a drunken text to the ex :/

I was swaying in the middle of an O'Neill's pub after enjoying a fun and fancy-free evening at my cousin's 18th; my state sponsored by Captain Morgan's and coke. I don't know why but I just suddenly started to miss him. I knew then and there that I needed to stop what I was drinking and head home, home for that evening being my mum's couch.

I jumped into a cab, mum in tow, stumbled out of my dress and heels and collapsed on the sofa. Even as I was writing the text, I could barely see it, I knew it was a BAD idea and yet I still ploughed through the pain of double vision and sent it.

Sleep swept me off into oblivion for a few hours but I woke up feeling physically sick at my weakness and of course, I've received no response - not that I expected one.

I got a text from a flat I really wanted to say, oh what a surprise, I didn't get it.

Then last night my housemate accused me of 'taking my eye off the ball' because I've forgotten to throw out the empty toilet roll once or twice and I don't stand around all night listening to him witter on about stuff I don't find interesting. I NEED to escape.

SO not happy right now :(

Happy People

I'm back with this topic again because right after I posted the last one I had a shitty experience, which brought my mood and energy levels right down so...

Can you make yourself happier? 

This week I met a girl who had recently broken up with her boyfriend – 6 weeks ago – and she was walking on air. She told me that she’d since been doing any and everything that she’d ever wanted to do but felt hadn’t had time to do before, like late night museum visits, 11am clubbing on a Sunday, dining out more nights in the week than she should.

I could kind of relate. Since becoming single I have found that I’m making an effort to be out more, I’m more open to new experiences and I’m definitely dining out more; but am I in the same boat?

I know I’m doing all of these things because I have more time, but nothing stopped me from doing all this stuff when I was in a relationship, I just chose to spend my time with my significant other. I used to look forward to getting home after work and seeing him, even if that time was spent playfully nagging him to turn his phone on silent because he never stopped getting BBMs, emails, phone calls, etc and the vibrate annoyed me, or catching up on Inside the Actor's Studio sprawled across the sofa and each other.

He never stopped me from going to the gym, he never frowned on me going out for impromptu after work drinks, or grabbing a burrito with a mate instead of coming home for a home cooked meal, I did.

Which made me question:

Are we our own barriers to happiness? 

I’ve read up on this subject a lot over the last 3 months, and it’s the same message: The person you can change the easiest is you.

If you’re unhappy about something, most of the time your ego holds onto it and won’t let go of the fact that you cannot change it. This brings more pain that has especially to do with trying to control others or external situations.

Meh – never happy reading that crap but ultimately they’re right. My ego is bruised from being ‘dumped’, that word used to make me feel angrily motivated but now it makes me cringe. I don’t seek revenge but I cannot let go.

Anyhoo, happy people are more adaptable; they adjust themselves to accept what is not possible. In my case, getting back together with my ex. I’m at the stage of our break-up where I’m asking myself whether it’s what I truly want, or if I just miss what we had.

When we were together I never questioned what it was about our relationship that made me happy, I just knew I was and I’m glad I lived that way. I think we make things far too complicated by analysing ‘why?’

Make a change, by smiling and laughing! 

Research shows that you will feel better for smiling and laughing, even when you don’t feel like it! Your brain registers the movements of the muscles in your face when you smile and then releases hormones and chemicals that make you feel good. Your improved emotions will make it easier to change how you are thinking.

Positive thoughts make you happy and by training your brain to think more positively than negatively, you’ll become… happier YAY.

I read that it can be as easy as you adding a “but” to turn your unhappy thought into happier thought.

For example:
“I’m so unfit but I am now exercising and I’m getting fitter every day!” – started out as a negative thought, but got twisted into a positive thought. The result? One step closer to happiness!

If all else fails, fake it till you make it.

Let’s go get happy!

Working towards HAPPINESS - blog post 100

Well here we are, blog post 100. It should be something special. It should be something people will remember. Ultimately, it should be about something other than HIM. So I'm marking this milestone with a topic/s that is close to my heart - Happiness.

Back in June I wrote a post about LOVE and how it makes me happy. Little did I know at that point that the sun was about to set on that chapter of my life. So for the last 3 months I've been doing a lot of questioning.

AGM...

What really makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What are your core values? 

Funnily enough, all this questioning fell at the same time that I was preparing for my work appraisal, which I'm having this week by the way - yes 3 months later - and I found it SO hard to answer. I trawled the Internet for examples of goals to help me form my own responses.

I've never known what it is that I wanted to do as a career.

I've had roles in Marketing, where I found my love for writing; as a Lettings Negotiator, where I realised my need to be honest and helpful to others in finding what they are looking for; Events / Programme Co-ordination in learning environments, which honed my fulfilment for helping other achieve their development goals and now I'm a Training Manager, where I aim to assist colleague reach their full potential in our working environment.

I never set my mind to follow this path, I've simply found myself in these positions. I seem to be naturally drawn towards supportive roles, which I see as requiring 'maternal' skills - not to say that these skills are not also displayed by men, just that they are usually more prominent in females.

Anyway, LOVE still makes me happy even though my present situation makes me sad - I LOVE a lot. In the meantime:

What do I enjoy doing and what really makes me happy? 

Spending time with friends, going to the movies, fancy dress with friends/colleagues, being introduced to new music, looking and feeling amazing, going to gigs and dancing like nobody's watching, laughing so hard I might fart but I definitely snort, shopping (even when I don't have the money), being able to run further and faster than the last time I tried, hula hooping, knowing I have fun times planned with great people, the sun shining, wearing joggers and a hoodie eating popcorn and drinking tea on a comfy sofa, walks in nature, the beach (UK or abroad) and finally, loving and being loved - never gonna stop x 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins

Love and Hate

I've never questioned whether you can feel these two opposing emotions at the same time for one person; I guess I've never needed to.

It's strange. The battle can have the most bizarre effect on everything, from your health, energy levels, outlook, to the way you dress, how much make-up you apply or how you wear your hair, and the words you choose to use in conversation when talking about that person or the situation you find yourself in.

Today I'm low. I'm a lil' emotional, I'm incredibly tired and I'm just ready to give in. That lottery win is desperately needed to revive me. I'd buy a nice flat, so I don't have to deal with the ridiculous renting situ, and book myself and some friends on a holiday of a lifetime.

I must stress, I'm not relying on the lottery to solve my problems - it's just a pipe dream. In reality, I know it has a lot to do with not dwelling on it, being busy and time.

'It'll get better with time' is the phrase I hear the most, and I know that it will. It's only in moments like this that I feel like I've been terribly wronged and that all is hopeless.

I was venting to a friend earlier, got dramatic and said:

"I wish we'd never got together". 

She patiently responded:

"Well that's not good. Love is a good thing". 

Despondent me:

"Not when it ends!"

To which she replied:

"Nothing is when it ends. But at least you know true love, and now you know not to accept anything less." 

I didn't reply because all I could say is, I know how to give 'true love' not to receive it. He said he's not sure if he 'truly' ever loved me. But that's me being petty; it's also not 100% true - that's just my battered heart's understanding of what he said… it's also the one thing that keeps me awake at night and breaks my heart anew.

It'll fade, it'll all fade; and before my sense kicks in I'll probably be infatuated with another guy.

"All that's here is what you left behind (majesty), 

Slowly moving in the back of my mind (can't forget)

Take a moment to remember me (and our ways)

Make me blind so I don't ever look back"

Night Sky, Chvrches

I wish

I know it's not going to be immediate but I wish it would all stop. 

At first I wished I could make it better. 

Then I wished I could pretend it didn't happen.

I wanted it to not be real; moving out proved I was definitely not dreaming.

I thought we could be friends, but that only works when you're both over it. I'm not sure if I ever will be. 

For a week or two I wished I could meet someone else. 

I wish we could talk but I've got nothing to say, except those 3 words I forbid myself to utter. I won't let them escape. 

I write you texts and delete them. I write you emails and discard them. I dream of you often and think of you always. 

I wish you'd take it all back. It's just not fair.