Mars Versus Venus

I have been struggling since my return from holiday.

I've felt quite lost and unsettled. It's affected my sleep pattern, my appetite, my productivity at work, the effort I put in with my friends...To top it off, last Saturday my ex got in contact with me again after 3 months silence.

I think with everything that's happened, all the emotions I've been feeling with the pregnancy and my family, I just kind of clung to the possibilities of it's meaning.

Honestly, after the initial annoyance of hearing from him again I was fantasising about us getting back together. I don't know why I do it to myself. 

Of course that's not how it all worked out, come on, I don't get happy endings! (Can you tell I'm feeling a little bitter as I write this post?)

I'm not angry at him anymore. I was for a little while after he left the country and went quiet but in hindsight I'm actually angry at myself for failing to read in between the lines, for failing to take what was said at face value.

They say that women should take men for the simple creatures that they are, that what men say is what they mean, and yet when he said:
'I care deeply for you and find what we have easy and natural'
I heard:
'Why am I questioning us? This is obviously the right relationship for me I'm just a bit scared to admit that right now'.

Oh yeah I'm putting it all out there in this post because hopefully it will teach me to stop being such a frigging idiot!

I'm very clear now that we're done. I'm hoping, with this realisation after 15 months of our relationship ending, that the stupid thoughts and fantasies that have haunted me will now fade away into oblivion.

I have loved this man with every fibre of my being, believed whole-heartedly that what we have/had was so special it was worth fighting for and trust me, I have fought to exhaustion.

Ironic that John Legend sang Ordinary People on X-Factor tonight because that's all I want to recite to him but...

After everything each of us have gone through, if he does not feel like it's worth it despite admitting that he could see us together - then I guess I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat.

This isn't letting go, this is definitely giving up... and f*** me it hurts like crazy. 

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

Blast from the past

Out of the blue,

Ironic timing. 

Emotions running high, 

Left over from losing him.

It was definitely love once, 

Way back in the day.

He brings back strong memories, 

So much has changed.

Unhealed hurts tumbling out,

Pandora's box opened.

It took so much to get over,

The beast awoken.

You

Me

Her

Another life

Emotions

When something amazing happens to you, you're naturally sad when it's all over. It was like a flashback and I revelled in it, enjoying every second.

Like the last few warm rays of sunlight caressing my skin, I closed my eyes and felt the tingle spread from head to toe.

And though that light has gone and I'm left in the shadows; the chill bringing goosebumps to the surface, my arm hairs standing on end, a smile lingers on my lips as the memory replays in my mind.

Though you cannot start reading the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one, it's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

Today the sun is shining and it's a new beginning - for us both.

I've plans for a little wine this evening, lots of laughter and dancing with friends old and new. I feel as though Spring has blessed me with a touch of her love.

“It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want — oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” 

Mark Twain

I can lie to everyone but not to myself

How do I feel now he's actually leaving?

Six months ago I would have been an absolute wreck. The mere idea that I would never see him again filled me with such loneliness.

I don't feel sad, I don't feel relieved, I haven't cried... yet. Truth is, until this post, I haven't really given it much thought. I've over-analysed what has been said, implied, written, allowed 'what ifs' more space in my head than has most probably been healthy. So, for the most part, I'm numb.

Though not living together, still living in the same city made me feel safe. Like, there was still a chance. Now he's packing up and leaving town... As it happens, we've only seen each other three times since I moved out in September, and hey, I'm still standing.

Guess I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

We spoke on the phone the other night, for over an hour, and to begin with it was 'tres' awkward. I had a lot of resentment. How dare he contact me after yet another stint of silence, and expect me to be all chatty and normal? So I acted aloof... for all of 5 minutes because to be honest, I can't be arsed.

I've imagined what it would be like to hear that he was with someone else and truthfully, it made me feel sick. Friends and family have questioned whether our break up was down to there being someone else and to start with I was 100% sure that it wasn't; but when a person you spend every day with, confide in, share a bed, a life with, suddenly (for you) decides that they no longer want to be with you, how sure can you really be?

However, despite what has happened between us, the good, the bad and the ugly, I still love this person. With every day that passes, a little less in the romantic sense of the word, mainly because my heart is finally accepting what the head already knows, but he taught me SO much and we shared a lot in our time together. At the end of the day, he just wants to be happy. Who am I to resent him for that?

So we chatted, and we laughed. He still knows me so well and it made me happy to speak with him.

He said that I'll find happiness with someone else, and I have no doubt I will. Will I be happier than when I was with him...? Who knows.

There's a quote about exes being friends.

"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they were never in love, or still are"

I'd really like to believe that love can still exist between two past lovers without it being so black and white but maybe it would be healthier to cut all ties and start from scratch.

Over before it began

Whatever happened to men wooing women?

When exactly did the tables turn and the woman had to ask the man out for a date? I've heard the term "if you want something doing..." but this is a tad ridiculous.

At my age, I'm sorry to say, it's slim pickings. If they haven't got children already, they have serious baggage AND men just do not dust their shoulders off and get back on the relationship saddle in the same way that women do.

I mean, look at me; heart ripped from chest, stamped on, set alight and then promptly shoved back into my chest barely still beating, and yet I'm riding that old mare as if I never fell.

However, all my 'big and brave' talk means absolutely nothing when I'm trotting in a field full of seemingly gay horses. Obviously I'm not being literal but seriously, when did men making the first move become extinct?

I'm not looking to jump into another relationship by any means, I'm only just starting to enjoy this time on my own. I've managed to make working out into a habit, although like washing my hair I don't look forward to it because it's such an effort, I know with time I'll start seeing some great results.

It's been the same getting over him.

At first it was hard to get up every morning, hard to spend time on my own but the more time that passed, the more distance I put between myself and that event, I started to feel more content and appreciative of the things that I already had in my life which made me happy.

And now, what would make me that little bit happier is a smidgen of male attention.

What?

I'm still a hot-blooded female, last time I checked, with a cracking smile and a great personality (no that doesn't mean I'm ugly).

Such a shame that all this chit chat about men being stronger than women only applies to the physical and even then, it's all relative.

Come on boys, take a chance. 

Waiting for the phone to ring

I've never been very good at the whole dating thing. I've kind of just ended up getting into relationships with friends, or friends of friends.

They already know some or all of my 'special' qualities so I'm more comfortable around and that makes the flirting side of things A LOT easier.

My ex and I met under special circumstances. We took things into our own hands. If we hadn't I'm sure we would probably have never met. And, though it ended, we had a great time together.

So here I am, single, my heart on the mend and a recent influx of male attention. A guy has asked me out on a date, we've confirmed the day but not the time and that's the last I've heard from him.

I refuse to get in contact with him first but am I entitled to feel pissed off with the fact we've not communicated for over 5 days?

I feel like calling the whole thing off just out of principle.

Urgh, what a headache!

End Of The Road

So, we made it
It's been six whole months
Have we really changed?

I am confused,

Shouldn't things get better?

Yes, time passes

But the reasons it's over still matter.

Is my laughter really real,

Or have I found it's the only way?

Taking those deep breaths, in and out,

Denying things I still want to say.

Nobody wants to hear it any more, 

Because it seems enough time has passed.

I should just be over it all,

No longer allowed to feel so crushed.

You don't call or text,
I guess that says it all really.
My days and nights are still full of us,
But you're managing fine without me.

And that's normal I suppose,
I mean, you wanted it this way.
You want to find true love, that's not me I get it,
I just wish I felt the same.

So smile, be happy, move on, go date

That's what I should do.

And only ever cry, hidden, when I remember,

That all I ever wanted,
Was you.

Metal and Dust

I'm not very good at letting go. I flirt with the idea of moving on every now and again but I've yet to give it my best shot. 

The thing is, I'm still 'in love' with what was. The future hasn't won me over just yet. 

I think I secretly like hurting myself, reliving the moments I cherished the most, the ones that give me the most pain... How f***ed up is that? 

Yesterday I cried because he didn't text me Merry Christmas... It's been five months! I should be stronger than that and yet I'm aware that a year ago today we moved into our flat. 

I got teary listening to London Grammar's version of Nightcall as I was travelling to meet a friend to do something FUN! 

I'm SO sick of this. 

If I've learnt anything it's that the more you love, the more it hurts when it ends - so just don't bother.