You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Losing Grip

And so she held her breath once again,
Hoping that the wave of emotion seemingly taking over her body subsided.
She opened her eyes to see flicker of day light;
It felt like she was drowning.

The world around her dipping and swaying,
Pressure pushing hard against her chest, her head swimming in a drunken haze.
She hoped that she'd escaped feeling this again,
That she had control and yet her she was, feeling weightless, helpless.

She kicked her feet hard, praying that it would push her closer to the surface.
Running out of energy to fight;
Her mind began to slip.

Her lungs burned as they fought against a lack of air.
Her senses dulled to nothing;
Slowing but surely losing grip.

50 Shades Of The Same Old Ish

After work failed to pay us at the end of Jan (there was a reason but the minus sums in my account seemed to speak louder than those excuses) I started to panic about my attitude to money.

I love buying new clothes - I feel like I'm always writing about this, perhaps I am. I really enjoy being able to reinvent my look or just buying the smaller size in something I already own because I've lost a couple of pounds #WIN

Recently my purchases have been sport related because I'm doing more of it; but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm spending money when I probably shouldn't. 

So I'm adopting a new attitude; trying it on for size for a month and then review how I've done.

There are so many places I'd like to visit, experiences I'd like to have this year and I need my game face.

So far this year I've been pretty good at working towards strength but I know I can achieve more.

Enough of this 'same old same'.

I have some really amazing friends, I live in one of the most connected cities in the world, I need to start utilising my time better, get out there and explore to world... well maybe not the world but definitely the UK. 

Edinburgh for Easter is booked, a trip to the Lake District needs to happen and a visit to Bournemouth - if I want to move there I should at least go there for a day trip. 

Life is what you make of it... so I'm letting my creative juices flow! 

Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

Mars Versus Venus

I have been struggling since my return from holiday.

I've felt quite lost and unsettled. It's affected my sleep pattern, my appetite, my productivity at work, the effort I put in with my friends...To top it off, last Saturday my ex got in contact with me again after 3 months silence.

I think with everything that's happened, all the emotions I've been feeling with the pregnancy and my family, I just kind of clung to the possibilities of it's meaning.

Honestly, after the initial annoyance of hearing from him again I was fantasising about us getting back together. I don't know why I do it to myself. 

Of course that's not how it all worked out, come on, I don't get happy endings! (Can you tell I'm feeling a little bitter as I write this post?)

I'm not angry at him anymore. I was for a little while after he left the country and went quiet but in hindsight I'm actually angry at myself for failing to read in between the lines, for failing to take what was said at face value.

They say that women should take men for the simple creatures that they are, that what men say is what they mean, and yet when he said:
'I care deeply for you and find what we have easy and natural'
I heard:
'Why am I questioning us? This is obviously the right relationship for me I'm just a bit scared to admit that right now'.

Oh yeah I'm putting it all out there in this post because hopefully it will teach me to stop being such a frigging idiot!

I'm very clear now that we're done. I'm hoping, with this realisation after 15 months of our relationship ending, that the stupid thoughts and fantasies that have haunted me will now fade away into oblivion.

I have loved this man with every fibre of my being, believed whole-heartedly that what we have/had was so special it was worth fighting for and trust me, I have fought to exhaustion.

Ironic that John Legend sang Ordinary People on X-Factor tonight because that's all I want to recite to him but...

After everything each of us have gone through, if he does not feel like it's worth it despite admitting that he could see us together - then I guess I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat.

This isn't letting go, this is definitely giving up... and f*** me it hurts like crazy. 

Time To Take It Seriously

Money has always been my biggest weakness. I'm useless with it. As soon as it hits my account, it's gone... doesn't help that I have an addiction to eBay.

I want to save but the things I want to experience cost money.

I have to make peace with the fact that I will never be in a position that I will be able to afford my own home. It's something you really need to start to save for early on, something I wish someone had made clear to me in my late teens.

So this year I've made the decision to invest in my education and life experiences. I've finally found a job that I enjoy and it marries most of my interests.

It's time!

I'm not getting any younger and time just seems to be slipping through my fingers scarily fast.

In two months the lease will be up on our flat and there will be two options: our rent will stay the same and I'll stay or I'll have to move.

As much as I want to get out of London I have finally built up the momentum where I could learn and experience a lot (professionally). I'm not sure if that means staying in my current role, although I'd need to continue REALLY shaking things up, or seek other opportunities.

I've felt myself slip into a bit of a lull recently and I wonder if that's because I've not had a proper break since Christmas. I'm second guessing myself every day. I'm at a point where I feel like I want to just escape it all for a while.

I think I need to refocus. I've got my next coaching session on Saturday morning and I feel like I should reduce the time between sessions for the next few, get back that momentum I had.

One thing I do know is that come January 2015 (eek!!) I'm going to be starting my CIPD course and that will take me one step closer to where I want to be professionally. I have to remember that I'm not superhuman and I have to be careful not to overload myself but I just want to be AWESOME!!

And on that note, here's a link to a real guide on 'How to be Awesome'. I'll be following these tips religiously for the next month to see if it makes any difference.

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

A Year On: Don't Look Back In Anger

So here we are.

I'm actually really surprised at how 'okay' I feel.

The first three months were HELL. In the midst of them I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I would be stuck in that pain forever; drowning.

When I found the girls (housemates) things started to change. I felt at home in the flat we rented. I felt happier to spend time on my own. I'd made new friends.

Christmas was hard. I didn't hear from him at all and that really hurt me. At a time for family and friends, I was silently recovering from losing someone I loved so deeply.

Our contact started up again late January; February.... happened and then he left London.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, like my feelings for him would leave my body, setting me free but that didn't happen. Instead I'd count the days in between conversations and purposefully not initiate contact.

March, April, May.

So much was happening for me at work, I could feel myself getting stronger and more confident, I finally had direction, a sense of purpose but he was still on my mind every night.

Then we had a chat and he told me his plans, it was all starting to fall into place, he was actually going. As much I liked hearing the news from the horse's mouth, knowing what was happening instead of wondering, it was like I kept picking at a scab trying to heal.

June. His last month in the UK.

The words he said... the words he didn't. And then he was gone.

I'd like to say that I'm moving on, I try to stay away but I always find myself giving in. I'm torn. My head knows what I need to do, I just can't seem to convince my heart.

"Is there still a chance? Xx"

A text from his mum 

I shouldn't have to wait. I shouldn't have to be a choice. I'm worth and deserve so much more? So WHY can't I let it go?

I know what will happen, it's happened before. I'll not let go because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic and believe it will all work out and in 6 - 12 months he'll find someone else and I'll have to start from scratch.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love"

Warsan Shire

Seven Year Detox

I came across an article this week, which stated, over a period of sevens years all the cells in your body are renewed so you are in fact a completely different person you who you were seven years ago. Amazing huh?

So I figured, what with this old boyfriend popping up in my life again, what would the calculations look like if I applied this to 'getting a boy out of my system'?

Here are the phases:
P1: Age 0 - 7
P2: Age 7 - 14
P3: Age 14 - 21
P4: Age 21 - 28
P5: Age 28 - 35

I met boyf #1, the out of the blue boyf Blast From The Past is about, when I was 19, last stages of P3. We were together for all of about 5-6 months and went through some pretty life changing experiences, for me at least. I'd say he was my first love.

I met boyf #2 when I was 16 but we didn't get romantically involved until P4. He left me for America. If you really want to be depressed, read some of my earlier blogs. They were written around that time. Blogging helps heal the heart :)

And I met boyf #3, him, when I was 28. Unfortunately that means, if this theory is correct, I have 4 years and 23 days left before his hold over me wears off.

Damn, this boyfriend detox is worse than working cocaine out of your system. That only lasts 90 days, and I know this because I did my research, not from personal experience :)

One step...

The onesie rut

Sitting at home watching movies with your girls is all right every once and a while but when you take stock of your month and see that it happens each and every evening and weekend… it's time to re-evaluate your social life.

The problem with January is it's a 'poor' month for me. I over spend at Christmas because it's the party season and I've seem to continued with that level of spending into the New Year. It's day 20 and I've already had to dip into my savings to save me from going too far into my overdraft.

We all know I love to spend.

In the last month alone I've had to fork out for 3 family birthday presents, lots of travel and then there's my shopping habit (2 coats, 3 pairs of shoes and some new gym kit - not apologising for the the last one though).

This has GOT TO STOP. With 11 days left of the month I'm looking at my calendar and thinking - I can hold on for a little bit longer if it means I am in a better position financially.

My hair is badly in need of a trim but with some serious deep conditioning and homemade oil treatments, my ends can survive for another 2 weeks. And now that I've recovered from my common but brutal cold, I'll fill a couple of week nights with visits to the gym, even if it's just for 30 minutes in the sauna.

My work lunches will be brought in from home EVERY DAY and I will use whatever I have in the cupboards. Dinner will be sponsored by Scandal, meaning that I shall be eating nothing but popcorn until pay day next Friday, and at the weekend I can make a point of visiting my mum's to get fed.

Bloody hell, I'm nearly 31 and I'm living like a student.

In the meantime I should probably invest in a few more onesies... I think I might have a shopping addiction.

Scandal

As I've been off sick this week I've pretty much had nothing, well I've not had the energy to do anything but watch movies and catch-up on shows.

Before Christmas, a colleague told me to check out Shonda Rhime's newest hit, Scandal. I forgot about it for weeks but after 1 episode, I was hooked.

I've found myself staying up into the early hours of the morning damning Shonda for keeping me so gripped that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep.

I have smiled until my cheeks hurt, been brought to tears, frightened, angry, absolutely SHOCKED, disgusted, jealous of the lead's wardrobe with EVERY episode, fallen in love, been aroused…  My diet shall consist of nothing but popcorn and Bordeaux from hereonin.

I frickin' LOVE it - and now I've run out of episodes to watch so I must wait like normal people.

Damn you Shonda, damn you!!

Fallen off the wagon

I made myself a promise to try as hard as I could, to resist temptation...

But I have yet again let myself down.

And the thing is I really, really wanted to show myself that I was better off..

I guess I just cannot help myself.

So I'll start again tomorrow.

First with a week, then maybe two...  

Kicking a habit

So I know I’ve been quiet for a few days but if I’m honest, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

Me and the boyf have called it quits.

Sounds so bizarre after I’ve been writing posts about how much I love him and idolise our relationship, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’ve found myself in a dark place this past week, my head shifting from complete understanding to a whirlwind of confusion.

I’ve tried to make him understand how and why I’m feeling the way I do but I just couldn’t quite articulate it correctly. I wanted to understand why it hurts so much, hoping that by knowing the emotional/physical reasons that I’d start to be able to come to terms with my new reality. As you do, you head to Google, and I found the following: Heal heartbreak

I think my favourite quotes from this article are “Separation annihilates all those lovely dreams - it wipes out all those fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.“ and "There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity."

That is exactly how I feel.

And get this explanation for the physical pain - you are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug.

In the midst of all this mind and heart paralysing state of affairs, I’m looking for a new place to live and a new purpose for life because, sad as it sounds, he was my passion.

I’ve got new friendships to make and new adventures to experience. Right now that seems SO daunting but time, they say, is a healer.

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

UNDRESS ME

Shopping is a drug. I intended to pop out for 15 minutes but managed to lose a whole hour in the world of hats, shoes and pretty dresses. I was lost in a jungle of colours. And then out of the darkness came a glowing light, to which I was drawn.

There she was. She was absolutely beautiful. My soulmate. "I gots to have her!" But I'm not in a position to approach her right now so I had to turn away. Walking away, I cast one last loving look in her direction.

My love.

My soul.

Soon to be my dress! Bring on pay day.

x