Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

Winner

It's come about so quickly I've hardly had a second to really take it in.

In T minus 16 hours I will be starting the toughest fitness challenge of my life.

Why I agreed to do this I have no idea. In January this seemed like a laugh... the day before it, I am terrified.

There's 7 of us doing it together (4 girls and 3 boys) and some have trained more than others. I've done my fair bit but it's been no where near consistent enough, which you know from my previous posts.

I'm not going to say much more on the subject because I am literally lost for words.

All there is left to do is... SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

A Year On: Handling Business

The reason I have never wanted to be a manager or hold an equivalent status is because I'd have to be invested in office politics, and I just do not have the patience or brain capacity to put up with bullsh*t like that.

And yet I have found my Tuesday morning dealing with a manager trying to avoid getting blamed for crap organisation by pointing his fag-stained finger firmly in my direction.

I am so enraged and I do not handle anger in a professional manner FULL STOP. So profanities flew out of my mouth for all on my floor to hear as I read his poorly written emails palming off HIS responsibilities in my lap.

It's things like this that make me want to throw in the towel and get a job in a shop. F**K!

And now there's a part of me that questioning if he's actually right and I should have done more.

What REALLY got me was when he described himself as a 'middle man' only passing on requirements, not an expert. Well, as far as I'm concerned, given his role in the company, he should be an expert in his field and therefore the perfect person to run a session meant for clarifying aspects relating to his work, no?

Ultimate RAGE coursing through my veins right now. ULTIMATE RAGE!

A Year On: In Between The Lines

You receive a text from a boy.

It's not asking a question, in fact it's more of a statement, so you don't need to reply. It's complimentary and you're flattered, but despite what he's said his actions are contradictory.

What message do you go with?

Further to my Shut That Door post, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards the men in my life that seem to want me to wait for when the timing is good and ready for THEM.

It's like that song by Loose Ends 'Hanging On A String' whose lyrics are:

I've waited oh so long for you to come to me

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me

Baby I feel it too, What am I supposed to do?

Maybe I've just changed, Or could I be wrong for you?

You, you've got me hangin' on a string now

I'm not your plaything x2

You never told me you were waiting, contemplating

With my heart, my love x2

Do you mean to say that after all this time

I've waited like a fool, now who's been changin' you?

And that's my biggest fear.

Someone said to me recently that perhaps I'm attracting men at a crossroads because I'm at a crossroads. At a fork in the road. 

I think it's probably best for me to cut myself off. 

Feeding or bruising the ego

At what point should I get offended that I just cannot seem to secure a date?

I've not been on Tinder since the beginning of Jan. That date has put me off a little.

But I did match with another guy, who seemed super keen, organised a date with me then cancelled the day before - something about a funeral for his step mum's sister-in-law - and then didn't contact me for a week. When he did it was like "Hey been busy with work and extra-curricular activities. Will be available in a week. Hope I'm still in your considerations" like I'm sitting at home in my onesie, drinking wine with my housemates every night... which is totally what I'm doing.

But not only that, in the last month I've had TWO guys from my past message me out of the blue, both who are now married with children. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?

Is this what I've got to look forward to? Now that I'm wandering in to district 31 all that awaits me are guys who think I must be desperate enough to become a home wrecker? No thanks.

Someone said to me today, a guy I might add, that all my past relationships and flings have ended because the men I've liked/loved have not quite been ready to take care of a woman like me.

Well, as much as I'd love to be taken care of, I'd just really like someone nice to share my life experience with, even the mundane experiences like a bad wax - you know?

Falling

How crazy is it that it's been 32 hours since I last kissed you but I can still feel the touch of your lips.

I can still smell you on my pillow and can still imagine the warmth of you lying beside me.

I love and hate feeling like this, because now I'm just waiting to hear from you again so that I can get all of this back for real.

I'm playing the game to keep me allusive, keep you comfortable and at a distance.
When all I want to do is see you or hear from you, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not thinking about it; not thinking about you.

You have something I can't have but I'm indulging myself.
God what a dangerous game, because if I get swept up in it, I lose and if I lose...

I've been here before so many times.
Why don't I know better?

Text message - fake

At lunch, when I was away from my desk, I sent myself a text message with the name of a columnist I wanted to research.

Just now I went to check my phone and saw I had received a message. I got all excited thinking it was someone of importance... obviously I was bitterly disappointed.

I lead a boring life

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

WISH I MEANT MORE

Sitting here, waiting for you to join me.
Oh dear, I let myself get carried away again.
Getting my hopes up that you actually want to spend time with me.
What a fool!
Why on earth would you want to do that?