A Year On: Handling Business

The reason I have never wanted to be a manager or hold an equivalent status is because I'd have to be invested in office politics, and I just do not have the patience or brain capacity to put up with bullsh*t like that.

And yet I have found my Tuesday morning dealing with a manager trying to avoid getting blamed for crap organisation by pointing his fag-stained finger firmly in my direction.

I am so enraged and I do not handle anger in a professional manner FULL STOP. So profanities flew out of my mouth for all on my floor to hear as I read his poorly written emails palming off HIS responsibilities in my lap.

It's things like this that make me want to throw in the towel and get a job in a shop. F**K!

And now there's a part of me that questioning if he's actually right and I should have done more.

What REALLY got me was when he described himself as a 'middle man' only passing on requirements, not an expert. Well, as far as I'm concerned, given his role in the company, he should be an expert in his field and therefore the perfect person to run a session meant for clarifying aspects relating to his work, no?

Ultimate RAGE coursing through my veins right now. ULTIMATE RAGE!

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Scandal

As I've been off sick this week I've pretty much had nothing, well I've not had the energy to do anything but watch movies and catch-up on shows.

Before Christmas, a colleague told me to check out Shonda Rhime's newest hit, Scandal. I forgot about it for weeks but after 1 episode, I was hooked.

I've found myself staying up into the early hours of the morning damning Shonda for keeping me so gripped that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep.

I have smiled until my cheeks hurt, been brought to tears, frightened, angry, absolutely SHOCKED, disgusted, jealous of the lead's wardrobe with EVERY episode, fallen in love, been aroused…  My diet shall consist of nothing but popcorn and Bordeaux from hereonin.

I frickin' LOVE it - and now I've run out of episodes to watch so I must wait like normal people.

Damn you Shonda, damn you!!

Stuck in the FUNK

Do you ever feel like you're in a funny head space?

There are times, when the grey clouds cover the sky, and I feel myself tuning out of life. My mood shifts from 'general sunny disposition' to 'don't even fucking look at me as I do and will bite'.

If this mood happens to fall on a weekend you should count yourselves lucky, because I spend my time stuck to the sofa, flicking from channel to channel muttering expletives because I cannot find anything worthy to watch, stuff my face with crap and then get really annoyed at myself being I feel fat, and so restless that I could scream - NO, this is not PMS if that's what you're thinking.

If I have to go to work, I don't talk to anyone, reschedule my meetings and spend the entire day with my headphones in, sporting the best bitchy-resting-face I can be arsed to muster. These are potentially some of the most productive days in my working week because I do not put up with distractions. If I have to answer questions, I do not speak them, in fact I'm sure any form of verbal communication comes out as an actual bark.

Motivation is at an all time low, if I can even be bothered to get up it'll take a few hours for me to get in the shower and get dressed - many times I've just sat around in a towel all day. I feel lost, confused and a little upset. I start to question what I'm doing with my life, my worth, and WTF I've spent my months wages on.

BAD times.

Sometimes it only lasts for a day, maybe two.

Then I'll wake up the next day and before I've even realised, I'm in a better place. The clouds in my mind have dissipated and I can see clearly again.

I try not to let this mental rage hurricane darken my skies but sometimes, just like you need to cry for no particular reason, I just need ride it out. I'll pre-warn my friends and family so they know what they're dealing with and just get ready to face the storm.

If you find yourselves feeling the same, here's a cool blog post I found with 20 ways to pull yourself out of a funk.