You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

How profound…

Are you actually having a profound conversation or are you talking shit?

I've just spent the better part of an evening discussing the fact that no two people take away the same meaning from any conversation. We've both been learning about the origin of communication and how we can use it more effectively and yet we've spent the last few hours confusing each other with thoughts and descriptions of feelings that, if overheard by the untrained ear, could sound… well nuts. 

That's not to say that the other member of the conversation understood where I was coming from or my intention of the sentences that seemed to escape my lips like an unexpected but not unpleasant verbal fart. She nodded and responded in all the right places so one can only assume that one was understood. 

Anyway my point is, does anyone actually pay attention to the receivers feedback (facial expressions, body language, etc) when talking/having discussions, are we all just partaking in monologues with such similar themes that it gives the impression that we are ‘conversating’ or am I just looking for meaning were there is none to be found? 

Into The Darkness

From reading several articles on the matter, good visual design encourages learners to engage with e-learning content and positively affects the way in which learners absorb the key facts. 

How do I know that I am achieving this? 

Right now we're working on scripts for our training videos. We know what message we want to get across, but does that mean what we're saying is all relevant; are they real learning points?

The experts say: 

• Identify critical information and focus on that. 
• The most effective designs are clean and simple.
• Having one key element on the page will ensure learners remember it rather than getting distracted. 
• Make key elements larger or use contrasting colours.
• Design simple and intuitive navigation between sections with clear buttons and instruction so it is obvious what people have to do.
• Consistency gives the course a unified feel and pulls everything together.

It's all theory to me right now as I still do not have any completed content to work with, but the planning needs to happen now so we're ready to roll when we get it. Here's where I turn to t'internet for advice. 

There's only so much I can glean from these online resources. I want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing because ultimately I'm leading this project, I'm guiding others - the blind leading the blind, I fear. 

Tom Kuhlmann has a blog which shares 'practical tips & tricks to help you become a rapid learning pro'. Reading through it, I can't help but feel that you actually need to have a certain level of understanding of instructional design before you can really take these tips and run with them. 

I'm a novice; an enthusiastic novice but a novice nonetheless. I need a 'Dummy's Guide'; but let's see how it goes. 

"E-learning… The current adventure…

These are the voyages of AG-M.

Her continuing mission:

To explore emerging new learning trends…

To seek out new understandings; new ways to develop our species…

To boldly go where she's never gone before!" 

Secretly

"Because I need to feel loved I allow myself to be used, just so I can feel something."

Anon

Lying awake in the dark, I listen to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores. I feel like with every breath you take they get louder.

Another night of very little sleep and yet I'm just glad I'm not here alone.

You turn and slip your arm around my waist. This is what I crave the most, the warmth of you beside me but it seems to come in short supply.

What really gets me is the way you can practically ignore me all week and then be someone completely different when we're alone.

When my counsellor talks of me needing to let down my guard, these are examples of the moments I keep those walls up for because if I made myself vulnerable to you, I'd be in pieces.

Am I the reason you act so cold? Did I set us down this path, and you're just reacting to me?

Your softer snores are almost endearing, as you nuzzle my neck and pull me closer to you. Is this how you really feel? Your unconsciousness betraying you as you sleep.

I am completely confused by your presense in my life at the moment. I flit between being annoyed with you and wanting more of you. 

As the sun rises, you will stir and I'll come face to face with the other you, the one who barely meets my eye and makes me feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Can you see why I distance myself further from you?

All these secrets are silently eating away at me. I recall this was supposed to be fun but I'm definitely not having fun anymore.

Then you will call me, and all these questions will melt away until you are sleeping soundly and I'm staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores.

Lost My Mojo

I'm not feeling inspired. 

I go through this sometimes with my writing. When times are hard I have inspiration galore but as soon as things start to smooth out, I'm literally lost for words. 

A few years ago I started writing a book. It was all about my love life (sound familiar) and about the relationships I found myself falling into, or more often than not, falling out of. 

When I started dating my ex and I was content with the ways things were, it was all very laid back and casual to start with gradually morphing into something deeper; there was no real stress about it, well not that I remember, but the point is I stopped writing. 

Looking back I wonder if I stopped because I couldn't dramatise what was happening? If you're in love and happy, how can you describe that feeling without sounding like you're high on acid imagining butterflies, unicorns, rainbows and shit? 

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to write about it I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! "I've finally found a man I can be myself with and he loves me for it!" But it just sounded… silly. I couldn't make a story out of it because I didn't know where it was going - the story, not the relationship. 

Do they get married? Does she get pregnant? Is it a happy or sad ending? Will he cheat on her, or she cheats on him? I couldn't plan it because it was based on MY life and I just didn't know. 

So I started writing it here, in small digestible chunks and it was kind of exciting because you just never knew what was coming, I mean just check out the last few posts before the break up, I was blissfully unaware it was all about to go pete tong.  

Anyway, I'm whitening on now. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm trying but right now there's just nothing interesting to report. 

Over and out. 

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

Devotion - very short story

He smiled at me today.

Well that's not anything special. He tends to smile at me a lot nowadays; because he's happy, and if I'm honest I'm a little jealous.

I can't help but glance over at him from time to time. I don't even know I'm doing it until he glances up at me.

It all sounds so very stalkerish, but it's innocent I swear. I start off staring into space, not concentrating on anything in particular and then he's in focus. I come to, quickly averting my gaze.

But when he looks at me I get this fluttery feeling inside.

When we innocently touch, I get the strongest impulse to kiss him.

We barely talk, we have no need to, but when we do I feel like the only one in the room.

My entire body gets hot and he knows; I know he knows.

And I bet secretly he gets a kick out of it but I can't help myself.

I need this.

The thought of us together.

It's all I have. This crush. Because I missed my chance.

Scandal

As I've been off sick this week I've pretty much had nothing, well I've not had the energy to do anything but watch movies and catch-up on shows.

Before Christmas, a colleague told me to check out Shonda Rhime's newest hit, Scandal. I forgot about it for weeks but after 1 episode, I was hooked.

I've found myself staying up into the early hours of the morning damning Shonda for keeping me so gripped that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep.

I have smiled until my cheeks hurt, been brought to tears, frightened, angry, absolutely SHOCKED, disgusted, jealous of the lead's wardrobe with EVERY episode, fallen in love, been aroused…  My diet shall consist of nothing but popcorn and Bordeaux from hereonin.

I frickin' LOVE it - and now I've run out of episodes to watch so I must wait like normal people.

Damn you Shonda, damn you!!

How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

Getting back into the habit

For me that statement covers a variety of things – eating right, hitting the gym and reacquainting myself with an old flame, writing. I struggle with them all. Why? Basically I’m a part-time ambitious individual. 

I can work hard. I like the idea of it, but in reality I like nothing more than getting home from work, collapsing on the sofa; my only exercise being an arm stretch to reach the TV remote or a dash to the toilet during the ad breaks. Such a contrast from the boyfriend, a super buff personal trainer who eats a lot of protein, drinks his greens and believes cottage cheese is a treat - bleurgh. 

Why have I left it so long? I really have no clue. I’d occasionally get the urge but I wouldn’t be in the right situation to do anything about it there and then, it would get forgotten, time would pass, blah, blah, excuses, excuses. 

So now it’s May 2013. Summer is teasing its way back into our lives, my best friends have had babies, I am finally in a strong, loving relationship, living it up in Central London. 

I need to get my body ready for a fancy dress party in a month where I'm going as Neytiri from Avatar (what am I thinking?!) and start documenting my random every day experiences because they make me who I am – and that person is utterly FABULOUS - you need a bit of that in your world ;) 

Let’s start this show!

WAITING FOR WORK

Yet another day in the office sipping coffee and surfing the net. Another day of wishing I had more money, more time at the weekends and a little less of my stomach! But I don't really help myself. I'm still spending more time doing any and everything else when I should be dedicating all of my time towards finding another job. One where I actually get to do something during the day.

BUT, my confidence and lack of experience in a specific area kinda gets in the way. So tonight people I HAVE got to fit in at least an hour on Mavis Beacon to improve my typing, and then another hour applying for positions.

What do I want to do? I have no bloody idea.

Four years ago I was carving a career in the Hospitality industry but that didn't exactly work out, and so now I'm trying to do the same in marketing. I read blogs and webpages daily to help improve my knowlegde but ultimately it all seems to go in through the eyes and out of my arse!

But you know what? As much as I complain about how 'useless' I may feel, I love to write and express myself. Which is why I'm here. I may not have to discipline to make it as a novalist but I can definitely while away the hours writing nonsense on here :)