You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Open Your Ears

Spotify has often been my saviour.

When a mood hits me, music has often been the one thing that can determine whether it’s a good or bad day.

Coming back to work after a nasty stint of the flu, having to force yourself to concentrate on a brightly lit screen for 8 hours of your day, enclosed by white brick and glass, I turned to Spotify for entertainment and, I’m happy to say, I was not disappointed.

I’m a big fan of Ben Howard. I love his heartfelt words and recent dark, gripping guitar rifts. So I put my trust in Spotify’s Discover and ’opened my ears’ to Nick Mulvey. I was half way through his 2014 album ‘First Mind’ and I was already recommending him to friends I thought would appreciate him.

His song ‘April’ reminds me of my favourite Howard song on the latest album, ‘In Dreams’, because of it’s haunting effect. I’m a sucker for music that makes me feel, and I really like this album.

It’s also the kind of thing I think my ex would like, so if by chance he reads this - Get on it! I think you’ll particularly like Juramidam.  

"Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours". 

Elton John  

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

Putting yourself out there

Despite giving myself the 'talk' on my way to work this morning, I expected a response.

Me1 - "You won't get one. You know you won't. He's not like that."
Me2 - "I know but I can't help but think.."
Me1 - "Don't get your hopes up honey. I know you want to hear something back but don't expect anything."
Me2 - "You're right. I won't get anything."
Me1 - "Good girl."
Me2 - "You don't think maybe?"
Me1 - "No. Don't think about it."
Me2 - "You know I'm going to check my gmail account as soon as I get in though, don't you?"
Me1 - "Sigh. I know. Fingers crossed. I want there to be a response."
Me2 - "Me too."

I put it off for as long as I could... 20 minutes. No response. But I already knew that'd be the case.

Friends in need

The other night I was accused of 'killing the mood' - you know who you are! - when I started talking about getting older and being alone. It is a depressing subject but I wonder if it's something we even something we need to worry about.

The only reason I even brought it up was because I happened to see and elderly man getting off the bus by himself and I was thinking about what I'd look like at 60... the answer is still damn fine!

I mean we're delaying everything nowadays. Having kids, getting married (if we decide to), blah blah blah. And relationships rarely last "forever" anymore either.

I'm DEFINITELY not looking for my next relationship to last forever and ever Amen; I'm merely looking for someone to get along with. Someone I feel is a good friend as well as an intimate partner.

I think it's funny that we approach making a new friend differently to making a new partner in crime. And a lot of the time, we just can't help it. It's an automatic reaction to treat the situation differently. Why is that? If I don't understand a friends motive I simply ask them out-right "Oi, what's that supposed to mean?".

I can be brutally honest (and apparently a little intimidating) with the closest of my friends, and they with me. I think that's why we get on so well. I don't expect them to know my behaviour through and through so it's good to be able to tell them "I vont to be alone" and know it's not going to hurt their feelings.

Anyway, the point to this note finally, let's not put pressure on the definition of relationships. If you really like someone and get on like a house on fire - just enjoy the ride, stop taking everything so seriously.

And in the words of Jerry Springer, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Where do we go from here?

It's that confusion, where you think you have things pretty much sorted out in your head but then someone or something comes along and fucks it up. Why is it so hard to be happy? The truth hurts, like a bitch, but at least you know where you stand. At least then you can make an informed decision on how to proceed. There's only you to blame. Nobody is perfect. You shouldn't have to feel guilty. Shouldn't have to think 'even though I shouldn't have done that or said this'. Don't have any regrets. Do what makes you feel happy. I'm not saying disregard others feeling, just don't put theirs before your own so much.

MY IMPERFECTIONS

My letter to you...

Do you need to be perfect to be truly loved? I'm just wondering because we had a very interesting conversation last night, one which had me up until around two feeling sorry for myself, and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe you do. I could be over reacting here because you know that I am such a drama queen but being told, albeit in a roundabout way, that you're not good enough... it kinda gets you thinking, you know?

What does it take for someone to love me for who and what I am? Why must I reach for the stars? Why can't I just do things my way? Why must I do them your way? How can I know who I am if I'm always trying to act like someone you want me to be?

Hey, maybe I am weak. Maybe I don't always 'look on the bright side' but that's who I've always been and I've made it this far. So, a little advice... STOP pushing! I'll make it in my own time. If that's not good enough for you, I'm sorry we can't stay in each others lives. You are meant to be here to support and help me along, not push me into a box you think I should fit into.

I love you so so much, but last night you broke my heart.

x