Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Four

One more week to go and I'll be a year older. 

So far my 30's have presented me with tough life experiences. Though I am not religious in any way I can't help but quote St Paul from Second Corinthians: 

'For when I am weak, then I am strong' 

After each event I've found myself in a strange but familiar darkness where I've experienced an acute anxiety of the future. 

Thursday is counselling day. 

An hour a week I am forced to look at WHY I do things, or think about things the way that I do, so it's no surprise that I have been drawn to topics like 'self-confidence', 'depression' and 'happiness' on TEDTalks.

Interestingly, some of the key messages I picked out fit nicely with the NLP course I'm about to embark on next weekend but also with the conversations I've been having with my counsellor.

When the final wave of my grief over my relationship ending I posted a status on Facebook by Bob Marley about being strong, and in the talk I listened to after last week's session by Andrew Solomon, those words were repeated:

"We seek our identities in the wake of our painful experiences" 

Well, hot damn, that's what I've been doing for the last 6 months... wow, it's been 6 months! How different life could be if I'd made a different decision.  

My favourite talk of them all was one by Shawn Achor 'The Happy Secret To Better Work'. Not only is Shawn an engaging speaker but he puts things into perspective.

The main thing I took away from his talk was the way he broke down the happiness formula that we all probably use:

"If I work harder I'll be successful. 

The more successful I am, the happier I'll be..."

And every time our brains register a success, we change the goal posts of what success looks like! Take this weekend for an example, I ran a 10k for the British Heart Foundation with some work colleagues and got a personal best, in fact I've never come close to getting that time before and yet I'm already scheming how I can better it rather than just being content.  

"If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there."

It's an interesting thing to consider though, no? 

What do you consider to be success and do you allow yourself to enjoy it when you get there or do you immediately move the goal posts and therefore delaying your happiness? 

Are You Confident?

Confidence is an essential component to create a healthy relationship with yourself and in turn that inspires and motivates others to do the same.

Confident people:

• Focus on their positive characteristics.
• Tell themselves they are perfectly imperfect.
• Cherish and honour their principles.
• Respect their own needs and wants.
• Advertise their strengths, not their weaknesses.

Be kind to yourself

Become aware that if you are unkind to yourself, you will subconsciously attract others to be unkind to you. Let go of the compulsive need for approval.

Confident people know self-belief is the main pillar of success. They have indestructible self-belief; they let go of self-defeating beliefs about what might happen in the future and know they have to change their perceptions to change their lives.

It’s all well and good me writing this but the RESULTS are in the practice. I own about 3-4 books that say the same or similar things, it’s one of the main learnings of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

I’m a great reader. I have underlined these books to the max! I agree and believe in each point.

However, I’m not so great when it comes to ACTION.

Action seems like a dirty word to me. I know I have to do something but I just never seem to 'get round to it'.

Now you could say that it can’t be that important to me, it is I promise you, but I give into the limiting beliefs that tell me I’m not good enough or I can’t do it.

I couldn’t tell you where these feelings stem from, maybe it was feedback I received whilst growing up - my school teachers, my parents, friends, boyfriends, who knows - but they exist.

The catch 22? If I practice, I could reduce the strength of these limiting beliefs… sods law.

Am I confident?

I can be, but naturally no. It takes a strong worded pep talk for me to don the confident armour and that's usuallu accompanied by a couple of glasses of wine.

New Years Resolution #1 - work on confidence. It could be the key to getting to where I should be!

Finding That Secret Formula

And let me tell you, it's not Twiglets! (I've been eating a lot of these of late)

What with the theme of my last few posts being about me feeling down and whatnot, I've been trying to climb out of this funk and evoke some Christmas cheer.

I work on the Commercial floor at my company. The average age on this floor is probably about 25 and they have been playing Christmas songs since mid-November. I've always LOVED Christmas but this year I seem to be the resident Grinch... the songs have not helped! I've been included in their floor Secret Santa and invited to their floor party.

I have resisted the 'far-too-early' singalongs, boozy Friday night gatherings at the company bar and the Christmas jumper outings BUT they have now introduced a desk decoration competition and THAT is something I find fun!

Some have gone for a 80's retro look, i.e. brightly coloured foil lanterns and banners, some have embraced a film theme 'Narnia' with an actual Fur Coat rail and tables littered with fake snow, we've got a real tree, Santa's workshop with elves (colleagues wearing elves hats and ears)... I've gone for a minimalist but stylist look.

My office has glass walls and door so I've cut out snowflakes and icicles and decorated some of the glass. I've not finished yet. Still got a few more snowflakes to make, and I want to create a small family of polar bears (got some spare A3 paper) - anything I can do for free.

I'm not giving in and buying tinsel or anything because it's all going to be thrown away in a couple of weeks... though I've just heard there's a celebrity judge, but I love a bit of arts and crafts :)

Anyway by joining in a bit I'm feeling happier. Even though it only lasts a short while, I'm no longer all "BAH HUMBUG".

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

Sisters doing it for ourselves

So after my rant about everything being sh*t and my stupid housemate complaining about me leaving an empty loo roll in the bathroom, I decided to matters into my own hands.

I woke up on Monday morning and was like "right, f**k this sh*t, time to take control". I logged into Spareroom and fired up it's buddy up option. After reading through a few profiles of girls looking for something similar to me in the same kind of areas I was and with the same budget I drafted an email and sent it out with hope that they were as tired as I was of the whole room search.

Within a couple of hours I'd heard back from them all, excited and raring to go. Throughout the week we've been firing emails back and forth arranging a time to meet each other, arranging viewings and general banter.

Last night we went to see 2 flats and finished the night at a pub, chatting, joking and genuinely enjoying each others company. It was fantastic and I feel re-energised knowing that wherever we end up, it'll be a home because the effort we'll all put in making it so.

It's about time for some happier frickin' days :)  

Working towards HAPPINESS - blog post 100

Well here we are, blog post 100. It should be something special. It should be something people will remember. Ultimately, it should be about something other than HIM. So I'm marking this milestone with a topic/s that is close to my heart - Happiness.

Back in June I wrote a post about LOVE and how it makes me happy. Little did I know at that point that the sun was about to set on that chapter of my life. So for the last 3 months I've been doing a lot of questioning.

AGM...

What really makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What are your core values? 

Funnily enough, all this questioning fell at the same time that I was preparing for my work appraisal, which I'm having this week by the way - yes 3 months later - and I found it SO hard to answer. I trawled the Internet for examples of goals to help me form my own responses.

I've never known what it is that I wanted to do as a career.

I've had roles in Marketing, where I found my love for writing; as a Lettings Negotiator, where I realised my need to be honest and helpful to others in finding what they are looking for; Events / Programme Co-ordination in learning environments, which honed my fulfilment for helping other achieve their development goals and now I'm a Training Manager, where I aim to assist colleague reach their full potential in our working environment.

I never set my mind to follow this path, I've simply found myself in these positions. I seem to be naturally drawn towards supportive roles, which I see as requiring 'maternal' skills - not to say that these skills are not also displayed by men, just that they are usually more prominent in females.

Anyway, LOVE still makes me happy even though my present situation makes me sad - I LOVE a lot. In the meantime:

What do I enjoy doing and what really makes me happy? 

Spending time with friends, going to the movies, fancy dress with friends/colleagues, being introduced to new music, looking and feeling amazing, going to gigs and dancing like nobody's watching, laughing so hard I might fart but I definitely snort, shopping (even when I don't have the money), being able to run further and faster than the last time I tried, hula hooping, knowing I have fun times planned with great people, the sun shining, wearing joggers and a hoodie eating popcorn and drinking tea on a comfy sofa, walks in nature, the beach (UK or abroad) and finally, loving and being loved - never gonna stop x 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins

Bidding wars

I've never really tried to use eBay before. I have sold a couple of items on there but that's about it, never bought anything. In the last 2 months I've had to throw away a couple of my favourite pairs of shoes - my beloved converse (black & grey).

I decided, the cheapskate that I am, to buy a used pair because then not only would I be spending less money but I won't have to go through the 'breaking them in' pain.

Had a look on eBay, added a few items into my 'wish basket' and started bidding.
"Ooh 99p, yes please".
Within 30 minutes, these bad boys have crept up to £7 and there's still a whole day left on the offer.

I got into work this morning at 9am, I don't start until half past, and the first thing I did was log into my eBay account. I really want these hi-tops and the other bidders are really starting to annoy me.

I type in a pound more than what they've offered and I'm still out-bidded. How can this be? How fast are these people bidding? We still have over 6 hours left, why are they so desperate?!

I type in £2 more than the current bid and it's accepted. But hey, my bid amount isn't showing, yet eBay is telling me I'm now the highest bidder. I'm confused… Hang on a darn minute… what's this maximum bid thingy?

O M Jizzle, so this is how it works.

With 40 minutes left to bid, I'm the highest bidder at £26.50, still less than half the price for a new pair but I'll admit I'm not going over the half way mark for a used pair of trainers. They may be in 'good nick' but I'll be damned if I buy a used ANYTHING for close to the price of something new.

But it has to be said, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. And the best reward at the end of all this, even if I don't 'win' the trainers, I've not felt sad all afternoon :)

End of bid result: I got them! £31.00, steal of a price :D

GET IN!