Deepest Regret

We take it all for granted, don't we, life.

A lot of the time our priorities are anything but. We run towards money, prestige, to some extent education and away from enriching experiences, family & love.

It's a weird experience finding out that one of your parents is poorly.

I feel so bad for not reacting more. when asked if I was okay, I replied with a jovial "Yeah, fine." When in reality I was terrified. Listening to words that didn't quite make sense but felt more real than I could have ever imagined.

I really wish I reacted more emotionally, if only to show that I care - of course I do - we're just not like that.

So I stifled the fear I feel, my eyes brimming, and spoke calmly about options and side effects to treatments.

There's still hope, in fact a lot of it, this time in six months it could be like nothing had happened. But I hope that it changes things.

For a start, that we make more of an effort with each other, because one day we just might have run out of time.

How Dare You!

I have a very dear friend, who has gone through SO much over the last 2-3 years, and that hasn't changed in the short time that I've known her. 

We met (properly) on a girly holiday last year and I'd say our bond was instant. She was present at one of the worse experiences of my life and has supported me ever since. Funnily enough we also share the same birthday. 

With all the stuff that's been happening in her life - not my place to say - I advised her to start a blog, as mine has helped me get stuff off my chest, I hoped she could do the same. So she did, anonymously, and for the last 5 months I've seen her open her mind to release the thoughts that, left unsaid, could tip anyone over the edge. 

Until today. Because today some selfish s**thead outted her. 

They hacked her phone and sent a nasty letter to all her friends, family, work colleagues, even her dentist, claiming that 'no-one should have secrets'! 

I am outraged. If I found out who it was - oooh, there would be trouble. 

If you knew how unassuming and nice she was, how hard she tries to keep her problems out of other people's lives. If you knew a smidgen of the crap she's been dealing with, you'd understand the f**king break she needs, but this person/people… clearly have NO compassion and definitely no respect. 

I'm speechless that there are people like this in the world. 

If you read this, please share with others. Let's spread the word that BULLYING is unacceptable. 

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

GOOD friends

Recently I always seem to be in and out of a funny head space. And when I'm in those lows it's because I feel like I'm missing out on things.

People all around me are either buying houses, getting married, or having babies. And it's clear to me in those moments that he was right, I want or I'm ready for those things now.

I'm dead set on getting myself in serious shape and I'm trying to make the best of things at work in an effort to set myself up for a decent career in the future, but late at night, when the lights are out and the housemates are all settled, I think about these things.

Sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm deep into a scenario in my head and I have to force myself to go to sleep.

These pesky thoughts are a constant reminder that I'm lonely.

So it's great that I can escape them on nights like last night. Thriller LIVE (yes, again) with my ride or die chicks; the girls I met and have grown with through our late teens, early adulthood. These women know who I am, sometimes more than I do.

We sang, we danced, we laughed and we cried from laughing so hard. By the time we hugged and said our goodbyes, the smile on my face was there to stay for the rest of the evening.

Earlier in the day I'd signed up to a happiness challenge called #100happydays and I knew, even before I'd met them at our agreed spot, that they were my happiness on Day One. And when I fell asleep last night, my mind didn't wander, it didn't settle on my loneliness, it just drifted off into a warm nothingness where I replayed the night.

Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives and remembering what one receives. 

Alexander Dumas

Find the ones worth suffering for

Okay so this post goes out to my friends and family, who have shown their true colours this past month. You guys rock - hardcore! 

Urban Dictionary: 
A conflictingly, unproven belief that all of life's problems/obstacles can all be conquered/averted by simply believing in friendship, or the belief in others close to a particular individual or group of friends.

Sad to say but when shit hits the fan, you can clearly identify who your friends for a 'season' are in all their glory. It can be a bloody painful realisation, and the pain feels 100 times worse if you're already going through something emotionally challenging. You've invested a great deal of time in a relationship and it suddenly buckles under-pressure.

I received an amazingly touching message over the weekend from someone I've never necessarily considered close (mainly as it's an ex connection). Her words cut through the bullshit and hit my core. It was everything I'd been feeling, fearing, questioning and suddenly there it was, summed up beautifully.

"I think one of the hardest parts about deciding what you want is admitting the possibility that it may involve leaving people behind - that your relationships won't stand up to the changes you're making to be more you. It's painful to look at this possibility, because at one point those relationships were vital, had a spark and a connection. The prospect of leaving them behind, and the prospect that someone might let me leave, is gut-wrenching because it makes me wonder if that connection was real, or if I imagined it in the first place."

Please don't get me wrong. Real friendship is not something I've just learned about, I know I have great friends and I feel undoubtedly blessed because of it. It makes me smile to know I have so many people who care for me that are not just blood relations. I just wanted to share the love with you.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” 

― Bob Marley

Awaken Your Inner Coach

I am responsible for organising and communicating all training, as well as ensuring that my company are supporting staff with meeting agreed goals to the best of their ability. It might be the maternal side of me but I like helping people feel supported and assisting them, in some manner, to achieve what they want to achieve.

Whilst completing my appraisal questionnaire the other day, I realised that a lot of my achievements were based on my feelings of 'support' and 'help' given to others, which got me thinking (again) about coaching.

For those who are not familiar, I refer to coaching as described by BusinessBalls:
"aims to draw out a person's potential rather than puts in aims and knowledge from outside. It develops rather than imposes. It reflects rather than directs. If effective, it is a form of change facilitation - it enables people, rather than trains them."

Instead of expecting work to front up cash for a course in coaching, especially when I have invested my own cash previously and not done anything with it, I signed up to a free webinar given by The Coaching Academy that ran yesterday at noon BST. They had Dawn Breslin as a guest speaker, and her offered tips to awakening your inner coach has inspired me to take a step back.

In my current emotional state - for those unaware please refer to an earlier post, Kicking a habit - it is very easy to make rash decisions, but what I need to do is take this opportunity to observe, reflect and review what it is I want out of my life.

She gave an example of a way to do this, by looking at pictures of ourselves before we were 12 years old and just remembering what we liked, what we wanted to do, how we approached new things, what characteristics we had, etc Reconnect with our core being, the essence of ourselves. Note down our Key Desired Feelings. What do I want to feel every day? And create goals from this. As she put it "Living from the heart is living from INSPIRATION"

Her main tip was to TRUST your intuition; acknowledge it, habituate it. Take baby steps, make a gentle shift.

Most people find it difficult to trust their their intuition for fear of... well, lots of things. If you do not want to just jump in, try tracking your 'truth' by writing it down. Dawn was very strong on observing and listening to your true feelings - eventually leading to your very own inner guiding system.

In time, the goal is that you will be able to draw out your own potential, develop, reflect and facilitate change for yourself. The trick is to just take it one step at a time.