Losing Grip

And so she held her breath once again,
Hoping that the wave of emotion seemingly taking over her body subsided.
She opened her eyes to see flicker of day light;
It felt like she was drowning.

The world around her dipping and swaying,
Pressure pushing hard against her chest, her head swimming in a drunken haze.
She hoped that she'd escaped feeling this again,
That she had control and yet her she was, feeling weightless, helpless.

She kicked her feet hard, praying that it would push her closer to the surface.
Running out of energy to fight;
Her mind began to slip.

Her lungs burned as they fought against a lack of air.
Her senses dulled to nothing;
Slowing but surely losing grip.

Deepest Regret

We take it all for granted, don't we, life.

A lot of the time our priorities are anything but. We run towards money, prestige, to some extent education and away from enriching experiences, family & love.

It's a weird experience finding out that one of your parents is poorly.

I feel so bad for not reacting more. when asked if I was okay, I replied with a jovial "Yeah, fine." When in reality I was terrified. Listening to words that didn't quite make sense but felt more real than I could have ever imagined.

I really wish I reacted more emotionally, if only to show that I care - of course I do - we're just not like that.

So I stifled the fear I feel, my eyes brimming, and spoke calmly about options and side effects to treatments.

There's still hope, in fact a lot of it, this time in six months it could be like nothing had happened. But I hope that it changes things.

For a start, that we make more of an effort with each other, because one day we just might have run out of time.

How Dare You!

I have a very dear friend, who has gone through SO much over the last 2-3 years, and that hasn't changed in the short time that I've known her. 

We met (properly) on a girly holiday last year and I'd say our bond was instant. She was present at one of the worse experiences of my life and has supported me ever since. Funnily enough we also share the same birthday. 

With all the stuff that's been happening in her life - not my place to say - I advised her to start a blog, as mine has helped me get stuff off my chest, I hoped she could do the same. So she did, anonymously, and for the last 5 months I've seen her open her mind to release the thoughts that, left unsaid, could tip anyone over the edge. 

Until today. Because today some selfish s**thead outted her. 

They hacked her phone and sent a nasty letter to all her friends, family, work colleagues, even her dentist, claiming that 'no-one should have secrets'! 

I am outraged. If I found out who it was - oooh, there would be trouble. 

If you knew how unassuming and nice she was, how hard she tries to keep her problems out of other people's lives. If you knew a smidgen of the crap she's been dealing with, you'd understand the f**king break she needs, but this person/people… clearly have NO compassion and definitely no respect. 

I'm speechless that there are people like this in the world. 

If you read this, please share with others. Let's spread the word that BULLYING is unacceptable. 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Nine

Don't Stop Believing

They say you should never compare yourself to others, but I feel like there's no harm in it if it feeds you a little more motivation. 

In my post, Qualification Necessity or Fancy?, I rambled on about needing a qualification to certify my knowledge... It saddens me to say that I've still not taken the leap of spearheading into my career with confidence alone. 

I enjoy what I do. 

I feel I still have a lot to learn, but I enjoy the fact that I'm good at what I can do. 

Naturally, I want to be better; so I'm going to bite the bullet and book myself on a course/workshop. If I want to progress then I need this knowledge. And by just deciding this I'm SUPER excited! 

Every year since I was about 25, I've felt anxious leading up to my birthday. I think it's because I feel I should be in a certain place in my life and if I'm not then I feel bad, but this year was different. 

I've been through some emotional bad times in the last couple of years, and every time I felt like I was back on my feet something else would knock me off balance. So I guess, with all the baggage and counselling and the lost friendships, I've finally started living for me. If it doesn't bode well for me, then I don't have time for it.  

As cliche as this sounds, life is too short; and ain't nobody living this life but me so I'm going to do what I want to do and damn well enjoy myself.  

Peace! 

Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Three

Qualification Necessity or Fancy? 

I have a perfectionist streak. I like to know that I actually know what I'm doing before I do it. Regardless of whether I'm cooking or working, I want to feel confident that I'm doing it right. 

And that trait is often a major hindrance for me. 

For my birthday one year, my ex bought me what I thought would be a day of Zumba, and at the time I went once a week religiously and RAVED about it to everyone I could. I love to dance around, it makes me feel free and careless. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make, it turned out to be an instructors workshop. At the end of it, you had the 'ability' to be a Zumba instructor… you still had to subscribe to their network, get insurance to instruct and a licence to play music that the ZIN (Zumba instructors network) didn't provide you, but you had the essentials to teach a class. 

I loved Zumba. I was good at most of the steps. When I attended a local class for the first time, the instructor asked if I was one! But I was missing one vital thing… confidence to just do it. I felt I wasn't ready. I made excuses like "I need to be better at Salsa" or said things like "Who would want to pay someone to teach a class, when they're no better than anyone attending?". In the end, a year passed and my certificate became void. 

So I'm sitting here now thinking about what I want to do with my life; not in the big sense because I know, but I'm talking about my next step and I'm contemplating whether I should do a qualification. 

I want to design learning programmes, both face-to-face and online but something inside me, that annoying trait, is telling me that I'll never be sure that I can do it without 15 months of study and a certificate telling me I can… 

So what do I do? 

One of my best friends forward me an article about everything I'm feeling right now. It spoke about finding the courage to rise above your fear - you can find more about this here - but I'm still hesitating... problem is, the fear just feels too strong :( 

Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

Tick Tock

It's been highlighted to me more than once in the last 6 months that I'm expect a lot from myself and I guess I do put a bit of pressure on myself to be better, looker sexier or be funnier or smarter now I'm single. 

But then I think, well hang on a minute, you should be a bit hard on yourself because you've got a lot to prove. It's that old comparison of where I am versus where I think I should be rearing it's ugly head again.

I live in shared accommodation, I barely have any savings, my relationship status is currently sitting between nun and no hope, and yes I may adore my housemates and have wonderful friends but London makes me feel isolated, stressed, claustrophobic and like I'm under performing.

It took me over 2 hours to visit a friend on the other side of the city. I could almost make it to my grandparents house in Norfolk in that same time frame. 

I've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and when he and I split I wasn't sure if by making the move I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. But now that I've recovered from everything and my heart is healing finally, it feels like the right decision... for me. 

I woke up yesterday to a WhatsApp message from a fellow Arian:

"You are definitely not a follower, Aries. Then again, while you are certainly capable of being a leader, you often choose to go off in your own direction. Right now the stars are encouraging you to blaze a trail to something exciting and new. There is a path you have been longing to take, and the time is right for taking it. Even if it happens rather offbeat, and even if those in your inner circle don't approve of it, you must do what you must do. Your bold ventures will result in success."

What more do I need to say? 

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Better Than You Know

I DID IT!

I actually made it through what was the hardest physical event I've ever done.

It was the furthest I've ever ran, I was dunked into the coldest water my skin has ever had contact with, I HAVE been muddier but NEVER electricuted. I crawled through tunnels, jumped off a 15ft plank, was the only person in my group to complete the 'Funky' monkey bar challenge, been hauled up a wall by my arse cheek... and enjoyed every bit of it.

The beer at the end of the course was quite possibly the best beer I've ever tastet and you know why? Because I worked damn hard for that beer! I was petrified at the start because even the running, which I'm more familiar and trained for, was hardcore. I never realised here heavy trainers caked in mud were. I could feel it dragged my feet closer and closer to the floor. It was like gravity was bumped up a notch or two and my body was having to fight against it, INSANE!

The comraderie, the laughs, the injuries, I felt such a high upon completition that I'm still wondering if I should sign up for another one.

The bruises on my knees and lower legs, the aches and pains in my shoulders, ribs and hip, the pure exhaustion I feel; that was 3 hours and 15 minutes I'll never regret.

So proud!

A Year On: Believe In Your-F**king-Self

Confidence.

It's so complex.

I was having a conversation the other week with a male friend of mine and at one point it got amusingly heated because though he said he felt he was winning in the end we just ran out of steam. I kept fighting back his argument. I wasn't wholly destroying it because I partly agreed with him, but what I was trying to say was:

Men and women will never be equal because we play from different rule books and speak a different language.

True, no?

Now when I said this to one of my closest female friends she almost slapped me, but hear me out...

I'm not claiming that women are the weaker sex; women lift weights, run ma-hou-sive organisations & countries - we are NOT weak, it's just that most of us merely approach things from a different perspective to men and THAT's what I'm getting at.

It's also driven by the perception of how a woman should act.

Most of the time if a woman says she doesn't want to have children, people bulk. If she has children but leaves them most of the day because of her passion for her work, she's seen as neglectful. If she acts in a way that appears detached, she's viewed as cold-hearted and called a bitch. Men, not so much. They'd be praised and more often than not, promoted.

The conversation all stemmed from a simple question:

Do you think you're confident? 

I can be, in situations. On the whole, I wouldn't say I was. As an Aries, confidence is supposed to be ingrained but I have deep insecurities I try to keep hidden, that I cannot explain. One characteristic I do have of a typical Arian is that I hate failure but the fear is so large I just don't try.

When I look in the mirror I'm aware of the things that can be improved, which is bizarre when others around you are saying otherwise.

How easy is it to REALLY change that behaviour and turn limiting beliefs into positive ones?

Just Hold On

Straight to the heart

No planned diversions

Words fired at speed

They're impact dead certain

The wall, it then crumbles

Just debris at my feet

Torn and now exposed

A soul incomplete

A remedy made available

For all this heartache

I was caught with my guard down

Vulnerable, awake

Now here we are

where damage is done at close range

Questioning the future

Regrets we cannot change

Straight to the heart

Sudden tears of relief

I am not unloved

I am not

Start From Scratch

You could move to a small town
Leave behind everything you know
Head to a place you can start again

Work as a waitress
In a cafe off the main street
Be someone new, a new life, a new name

The let downs, new expectations
Pressure, the moment you step out the door
It would be nice not to feel

Time can only do so much
Friends can only listen so long
Moving forward is the way to deal

You could drive out to the ocean
Throw pebbles out into the sea
One for every day things were fine

You could move to a small town
Because you are healing, getting stronger,
One step at a time.

Just Keep Swimming - motivational quotes

When it gets hard to focus or you lose sight of your goal, sometimes a little reminder does the trick!  

 

 

 

 

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

Do you have presence or are you a shrinking violet?

This was something raised in my annual appraisal and it's a question I have been asking myself ever since.

Do you have presence? Are you visible, heard?

Because there's a difference between being seen and someone seeing you, or being heard and someone actually hearing what you have to say.

I was in a meeting on Monday morning with a real L&D trainer, an aspiring trainer, their boss and a salesman. I came prepared, notes at the ready, desired outcome and participant action points in mind. Though the trainer was asking questions, I felt confident in my knowledge, what I wanted out of the meeting and held the attention of each attendee as I spoke.

I had presence in that meeting. Why? Because I viewed all of them my equal. But as soon as I walked out of the room and back to my desk, which happens to be in the corner of an office full of designers - none of whom I liaise with for work - I knew that presence had dissipated. I am left alone, to my own devices.

I feel my contribution falls on deaf ears and so I question my use, my capabilities, my worth. And so it all boils down to this... if invisible is how I feel, what am I going to do about it? Have I done all I can to make my presence felt? And more importantly, do I want to be noticed?

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary