Thirty-two And A Spinster - Part Three

Qualification Necessity or Fancy? 

I have a perfectionist streak. I like to know that I actually know what I'm doing before I do it. Regardless of whether I'm cooking or working, I want to feel confident that I'm doing it right. 

And that trait is often a major hindrance for me. 

For my birthday one year, my ex bought me what I thought would be a day of Zumba, and at the time I went once a week religiously and RAVED about it to everyone I could. I love to dance around, it makes me feel free and careless. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make, it turned out to be an instructors workshop. At the end of it, you had the 'ability' to be a Zumba instructor… you still had to subscribe to their network, get insurance to instruct and a licence to play music that the ZIN (Zumba instructors network) didn't provide you, but you had the essentials to teach a class. 

I loved Zumba. I was good at most of the steps. When I attended a local class for the first time, the instructor asked if I was one! But I was missing one vital thing… confidence to just do it. I felt I wasn't ready. I made excuses like "I need to be better at Salsa" or said things like "Who would want to pay someone to teach a class, when they're no better than anyone attending?". In the end, a year passed and my certificate became void. 

So I'm sitting here now thinking about what I want to do with my life; not in the big sense because I know, but I'm talking about my next step and I'm contemplating whether I should do a qualification. 

I want to design learning programmes, both face-to-face and online but something inside me, that annoying trait, is telling me that I'll never be sure that I can do it without 15 months of study and a certificate telling me I can… 

So what do I do? 

One of my best friends forward me an article about everything I'm feeling right now. It spoke about finding the courage to rise above your fear - you can find more about this here - but I'm still hesitating... problem is, the fear just feels too strong :( 

Dancing In The Rain

Saturday morning I met up with my friend for our first Zumba class together in Camden. We found it as a deal on Groupon and needed a kick start to our Bank Holiday weekend.

Five minutes in and we were sweating, panting and counting down the hour. F**k Tough Mudder, this class was an INSANE workout! But we left feeling on top of the world, ready for Carnival on the Monday.

As you'd expect from British weather, the day I was due to dance in the street wearing next to nothing it rains.

I woke up yesterday morning after a shocking nights sleep, feeling exhausted and lazy. Having stayed over my friends house so we could go to Carnival together, we both sat on the sofa bed staring out at the bleak weather feeling less than motivated to leave the house. 

The general consensus was that we'd stay home or go bowling, but at some point during breakfast we were convinced by her boyfriend that even if we went for an hour, we should make the most of the opportunity, after all we'd paid for the privilege of dancing within a secured area, unlimited alcoholic drinks and snacks. 

Donning our outfits, plus an extra t-shirt and hoodie, we ventured out into the cold - the rain had stopped. Our spirits high, we got to Kensal Rise within 45 minutes of leaving the house. Unfortunately by the time we'd got there it was raining HARD. 

We'd took shelter underneath a shop canopy and waited for the rain to ease about 15 minutes. I was tempted to go home. In fact I announced it a couple of times. I said my goodbyes and was about to leave BUT, for some unknown reason, I changed my mind and we continued on. 

Music, alcohol, laughter and lots of dancing! 

We were soaked through but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! 

Do you have self-discipline?

My friend sent over a link to me this morning titled:

No Excuse! The Power of Self Discipline

So far I've only managed to listen to the first 18 minutes of it. Not because it's heavy going, it's just not something you can listen to whilst trying to think, plan or note down others things; it's something you should really pay attention to.

However, even above the hubbub of my normal working day I heard something important, something that made me stop what I was doing and listen properly. It was this quote:

"Self discipline is the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not."

Whether you LIKE it or NOT. 

Now, that's where my ears pricked up. That has made me sit at my desk and reflect on all the things that I do because I'm too lazy to put in the hard work. 

My career. So I've never known what I've wanted to do in life, but if I had put in the HARD WORK who knows where I'd be now. 

My fitness. My ex was a PT. He would talk for ages about the things he'd read or learnt, tried to show/guide me a few times, he thought I was good enough to be a Zumba instructor and so paid for me to get my certificate. Though I found it all interesting, the healthy eating, meal planning, weight lifting, responsibility... it all seemed like such HARD WORK. So, two years on, I'm at square one instead of square 50 or something. 

My finances. I've been very open about my weakness for spending. I like pretty things, what can I say? I want those gorgeous Irregular Choice shoes, I want that nice fake fur coat, I want those trainers, that tattoo, to go to that gig... etc. Saving means I miss out on those things. Saving means I'm at home because I cannot 'afford' to go for drinks AND put money away this month. Saving sounds boring. It's all just too much HARD WORK. 

18 minutes was all it took for me to start thinking perhaps taking the 'path of least resistance' isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

Watch this space people! 

Ctrl Refresh

I can honestly say that after this last week, I've felt like running away. Just packing my shit up and leaving.

I've felt alone and confused, and even though I've not cried for 24 hours I am under no illusion that the worst has yet to come. He still needs to leave and eventually he'll find someone else. These thoughts make me physically sick.

But I am making progress.

This time last week I was just waiting, waiting for him to clarify my fate. And for the last seven days I've had to think about money, new living arrangements and the fact that my planned future no longer exists.

Do you want to know what I've been thinking the most though? That I really wish my Zumba class was still going. I could do with just shaking my hips to Latin influenced music and sweating for an hour.

Suddenly having something like this shake you to your core, gets you thinking about what you like to do and want out of life.

I love Zumba. Even if I've had a bad day and I struggled to get myself to the class by the end of the hour I'm on top of the world, strutting home with a smile on my face. I hate going to the gym because it's boring and I've never felt confident that I'm doing things right.

So I'm thinking that I might retrain, part-time, as a personal trainer. I'd work my own hours and I'd have something to really work for - myself!

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up hand in my notice tomorrow to start a new career but as I'm in a time of ambiguity, I have a blank canvas to write/draw/paint/adorn. Who or what says I have to pick up the pieces and carry on as normal? Why not use this time, opportunity, to recreate myself?

At this time I'm just thinking. I'll give myself a little time to let the dust settle. I might find that once I can see clearly again, things may have rearranged themselves.

But three things are certain - he'll be gone, I'll be living somewhere new and my heart will be broken.

Lets get physical

So Zumba last night was pretty intense. 

I wasn't so sure about it at first, there were only 7 of us and the instructor kept trying to get us to make noises to show our enthusiasm, which was consistently met with silence so also a bit cringe, but once we'd warmed up I started to thoroughly enjoy myself. 

Having not done any real exercise in several weeks, and hadn't attended a Zumba class since October 2012, I found myself seriously sweating and more than a little out of breath but I kept going, giving every move everything I could muster at that moment. The result - an amazing high!

The instructor also paid me an awesome compliment when she asked if I was an instructor myself, which has only fuelled my enthusiasm to start going on a regular basis. 

I love it when you work out and have fun! It feels a hell of a lot more rewarding. 

Get back on that horse!

Not literally. I'm actually referring to... exercise *shudder*.

Considering I was quite athletic at school and have a PT as a boyfriend, I'm ridiculously lazy. Where I fall off is consistency. I do not go regularly enough.

I signed up to a pretty cool gym in April, Market Sports, which is literally 10 minutes walk from my flat but guess how many times I've gone? Three times. THREE! And they've got a cool chlorine free swimming pool and a steam room *rolls eyes at self*

I have an okay body, but like most women, I see room for improvement. I'd like to trim some fat from my waist, tone my arms and back and get rid of the orange peel effect that's trying really hard to work itself on to my thighs.

I'm not going to achieve any of that sitting at my desk or slumped on my sofa eating chunks of cheese - I actually do this, no joke.

So, how do you enthuse yourself to do something you do not want to do? Find something fun is often the best advise people have to offer.

I used to love Zumba, even obtained an instructor certificate, but stopped going when I joined a new company and couldn't make the classes any more. I'm not exactly sure why I didn't try to find another class - I guess that there is a major sign of my laziness.

Oooh I've just found one that is super close to my flat and it's running a class tomorrow night! Whoop.

Well, here goes..... Fit booty, here I come (I hope)

Working 9 to 5

*Sigh* I'm having trouble at work, in the sense that I never want to be here.

I've never really known what I wanted to do with my life - work wise - and I'm still struggling. I used to work at a college coordinating international visits, but thought I wanted to be a Project Manager. I then got a job as a Project Manager, realised what a thankless job it is and hated every second of it so handed in my notice.

The sense of relief was amazing and I felt free to explore what else was out there. I love the freedom my boyfriend has with his day. Yeah he has to get up at god-awful times in the morning, but he gets to nap during the day. Or if the freaking sun decides to grace us with it's presence, he gets to relax in the park topping up his tan!

Last year I went to a Zumba workshop, bought for me by my boyfriend, which resulted in me obtaining an instructor's certificate. I'd always been far too scared to consider making a living from it but this time round I suddenly had the enthusiasm and gusto to potentially go for it.

Then an opportunity presented itself to me at my old company. I hadn't even finished working my notice yet, but given my feedback as to why I chose to hand in my notice (lack of training) and feedback they had received from others, I was offered the position to set up our own training department. Now, I've got absolutely NO training experience but I want to make this work. If I am passionate about one thing it's supporting the well-being of staff. I know what it's like to have work drive you to depression. Life can be one hell of a bitch at the best of times, so I want to assist with work being the place that helps pay your bills, but also stretches your mind.

So I have days when I'm all go, go, go! And then I hit a wall and all creativity, momentum, motivation disappears and suddenly all I can think about is being at home, nursing the baby my boyfriend refuses to give me at this moment in time :)

I will make something of this role. I have to. I will not be that 30 year old woman who has no idea what she wants or has nothing to show for the 18 years in work.

Powered by such a depressing goal, I'm reaching out to old colleagues who work or worked in Education, Management & Leadership for tips. It's not what you know but who, right?!

Let's get this party started.