50 Shades Of The Same Old Ish

After work failed to pay us at the end of Jan (there was a reason but the minus sums in my account seemed to speak louder than those excuses) I started to panic about my attitude to money.

I love buying new clothes - I feel like I'm always writing about this, perhaps I am. I really enjoy being able to reinvent my look or just buying the smaller size in something I already own because I've lost a couple of pounds #WIN

Recently my purchases have been sport related because I'm doing more of it; but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm spending money when I probably shouldn't. 

So I'm adopting a new attitude; trying it on for size for a month and then review how I've done.

There are so many places I'd like to visit, experiences I'd like to have this year and I need my game face.

So far this year I've been pretty good at working towards strength but I know I can achieve more.

Enough of this 'same old same'.

I have some really amazing friends, I live in one of the most connected cities in the world, I need to start utilising my time better, get out there and explore to world... well maybe not the world but definitely the UK. 

Edinburgh for Easter is booked, a trip to the Lake District needs to happen and a visit to Bournemouth - if I want to move there I should at least go there for a day trip. 

Life is what you make of it... so I'm letting my creative juices flow! 

A Year On: Down With The Clique?!

Housemate 1 is going away for a month. A while back she mentioned getting someone in to cover her rent and asked myself and Housemate 2 whether we'd be okay with it.

My initial reaction was a positive shrug. But then Housemate 3, the one that didn't get asked and who doesn't really hold Housemate 1 is high regard, pointed out that this person would be a stranger in our rented accommodation, with a key and no contractual responsibility.

Suddenly Housemate 2 and I felt sheepish and wanted to retract our agreement.

Fast forward a couple of months forward, two days before Housemate 1 is due to fly out, and she's got interest from a friend of a friend. She WhatsApp's a message about it to the group chat asking if we're available to meet her. I'm the only one around this evening and Housemate number 1 won't even be home to greet her.

Housemate 2 and 3 won't be around and express reservations. Housemate 1 suggest getting locks on doors and seems surprised at the reaction.

I feel bad because she's right, the consensus was to meet the person first and now that she's pointed it out, it would be highly unlikely that the person would be a friend we'd get to spend time with beforehand because wouldn't that mean they've got somewhere to stay in London already?

Part of me wonders if Housemate 2 and I just rushed in with our initial okay or if we've actually been swayed by Housemate 3.

A quick interview style meet'n'greet the day before she's supposed to move in just doesn't sit right with me but... are we being too harsh?

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

I don't have MONEY on my mind

Approximately 90% of people will see the same word first. But what does that word mean to you in terms of your priorities?

It could mean that the first word you see is the topic that's most on your mind at that time, in my case it's a matter of the heart. But then, how much are your results determined by the limited word offerings, their placement, or our western tendency to read from left to right, top to bottom?

I wrote down my top TEN in the order they 'appeared' to me:
Love
Experience
Success
Health
Power
Intelligence
Honesty
Beauty
Youth
Time
… Money

What do you see?

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

The onesie rut

Sitting at home watching movies with your girls is all right every once and a while but when you take stock of your month and see that it happens each and every evening and weekend… it's time to re-evaluate your social life.

The problem with January is it's a 'poor' month for me. I over spend at Christmas because it's the party season and I've seem to continued with that level of spending into the New Year. It's day 20 and I've already had to dip into my savings to save me from going too far into my overdraft.

We all know I love to spend.

In the last month alone I've had to fork out for 3 family birthday presents, lots of travel and then there's my shopping habit (2 coats, 3 pairs of shoes and some new gym kit - not apologising for the the last one though).

This has GOT TO STOP. With 11 days left of the month I'm looking at my calendar and thinking - I can hold on for a little bit longer if it means I am in a better position financially.

My hair is badly in need of a trim but with some serious deep conditioning and homemade oil treatments, my ends can survive for another 2 weeks. And now that I've recovered from my common but brutal cold, I'll fill a couple of week nights with visits to the gym, even if it's just for 30 minutes in the sauna.

My work lunches will be brought in from home EVERY DAY and I will use whatever I have in the cupboards. Dinner will be sponsored by Scandal, meaning that I shall be eating nothing but popcorn until pay day next Friday, and at the weekend I can make a point of visiting my mum's to get fed.

Bloody hell, I'm nearly 31 and I'm living like a student.

In the meantime I should probably invest in a few more onesies... I think I might have a shopping addiction.

What do I want?

So this weekend I spent Saturday wandering around Home-ware stores with my mum fantasising about how we would kit out our homes if:
1) I won the lottery and bought a cottage down by the sea
2) Mum kicked my brother and sister out and had the place to herself

I feel more motivated now to make that dream come true. I can actually visualise it, and we all know what happens when you visualise… :D

I'm still very wistful about my situation with him but I guess it's all part of letting go of those dreams you had of your future together. Just because he's no longer part of them, doesn't mean I can't still have what I dreamed of.

A lot of my friends are studying hard to better their present situations, putting in the work now preparing for the future and I feel like I've been neglecting that for a long time.

A lot of it comes from the reality of me just not knowing what I want out of life; and a situation one of my closest friends is going through has made me question how much importance I put on financial stability, career stability and overall 'SUCCESS' when all I want is to be happy, and in fact striving to achieve these things makes me unhappy… hmmmmmmm.

I found this interesting article on LinkedIn about being bored rather than busy, and this snippet made SO much sense:

"So many of us desperately want to feel alive—but instead, we’re left chasing our own tails, always hoping that this next thing will be the thing that saves us.

It’s sort of like what happens when you want something to eat, but you aren’t sure what. So you start by making yourself a sandwich, but soon realise that wasn’t it. So you go for some potato chips, but that wasn’t it. So you have a few spoonfuls of ice cream, but that wasn’t it. So you migrate to leftover spaghetti, but that doesn’t do the trick either. Now you’re onto a bag of marshmallows, but STILL NOT HITTING THE SPOT, and the more you eat, the more annoyed you get, because even though you’re stuffed you’re still craving that ONE THING and you don’t know what it is so you go ahead and HELP YOURSELF TO EVERY REFRIGERATOR!"

So what do I want?

Love, in the romantic sense :)
Always top of my list and presently an area I'm not doing well in AT ALL

A place in the country
I'm only going to be able to own if I win the money, have it bought for me or cease having a social life for the rest of my days in order to save the money myself

To go on a Salsa holiday for a couple of weeks
Cuba, South America

To work for myself
Doing what, I've no idea yet :) to be brainstormed in 'What do I want: part two'

Family
And by that I mean one of my own; children, a husband/better half, family dog… eventually

They say life is what you make it and I think a lot of people make it about money & success, but to whose definition of the words?!

For me, if I manage to GET that cottage/house by the sea I'll know that I have definitely succeeded in something - who wouldn't be happy watching the sunset across the sea from their own garden?

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It's out. After a week, it's out. 

They said it would settle but you know when your body is telling you something, you just bloody listen. My head was telling me it was too heavy, too exposed, and f**king uncomfortable. I slept badly and in turn found myself being grumpy and eating sugary foods to keep my energy up.

When you've managed to lose 8lbs and been able to keep it off over 2 months, you don't want to fall back into bad habits. I look good and I feel good. Sacrificing that for cool hair… er, no! So it's back to my natural tresses, although I shall be wearing it semi-straight during the week.

Rolling stone

I'm still struggling with this room search. Spareroom is leaving me ready to breakdown.

It's almost as expensive to rent a room in my ideal location, as it would be to rent a studio or 1 bed flat somewhere a bit further out. I'm now in a position where I have to question whether comfort (standard of accom) and location are worth spending upwards of 65% of my monthly salary on rent & bills. Trying gumtree for a week.

I really don't want to be in this house when Christmas rolls around. I'm tired of my own company - is that weird? I mean I like the odd day to do nothing but relax with myself, reading of having a movie day but I still feel that odd anxious feeling when I've got an entire free weekend looming on the horizon and knowing that my Sunday spent on the sofa will benefit by having others around, just makes me feel more comfortable.

Best way to get over someone...

People are pushing me to get out there and date. Let me make this clear I.AM.NOT.READY. I'm not even thinking about that yet. Yeah the colder months would be nicer if I had someone to snuggle with BUT no, no, no. It'll happen when it happens, until then I'm fine just trying to settle into my new single status; there'll be no rushing in that department. Unless Ben Cohen (Strictly Come Dancing) leaves his wife and children ;) What a dancing hottie!

Ctrl Refresh

I can honestly say that after this last week, I've felt like running away. Just packing my shit up and leaving.

I've felt alone and confused, and even though I've not cried for 24 hours I am under no illusion that the worst has yet to come. He still needs to leave and eventually he'll find someone else. These thoughts make me physically sick.

But I am making progress.

This time last week I was just waiting, waiting for him to clarify my fate. And for the last seven days I've had to think about money, new living arrangements and the fact that my planned future no longer exists.

Do you want to know what I've been thinking the most though? That I really wish my Zumba class was still going. I could do with just shaking my hips to Latin influenced music and sweating for an hour.

Suddenly having something like this shake you to your core, gets you thinking about what you like to do and want out of life.

I love Zumba. Even if I've had a bad day and I struggled to get myself to the class by the end of the hour I'm on top of the world, strutting home with a smile on my face. I hate going to the gym because it's boring and I've never felt confident that I'm doing things right.

So I'm thinking that I might retrain, part-time, as a personal trainer. I'd work my own hours and I'd have something to really work for - myself!

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up hand in my notice tomorrow to start a new career but as I'm in a time of ambiguity, I have a blank canvas to write/draw/paint/adorn. Who or what says I have to pick up the pieces and carry on as normal? Why not use this time, opportunity, to recreate myself?

At this time I'm just thinking. I'll give myself a little time to let the dust settle. I might find that once I can see clearly again, things may have rearranged themselves.

But three things are certain - he'll be gone, I'll be living somewhere new and my heart will be broken.

Urge to spend

All around us the economy is crumbling.

I don't take the time to read about it and I never watch the news. The closest I've come to a newspaper in the last 3 years is the free rags I pick up on the tube to pass the time of my journey. Even then I tend to read my horoscope and flick over the 'celeb' pages.

I moan about money all the time. I'm earning a 'comfortable' wage. It pays my rent and bills, and I could save some of it if I wasn't constantly buying clothes and shoes; handing over my hard earned cash to pay for the increasing flow of Rose I seem to be consuming and occasionally I satisfy the hunger pains.

I just don't care. It's true. I'm a grown, goddamn woman and I'm sitting here thinking "they don't each you how to deal with this shit at school, so how am I suppose to know what I should be worried about?"

Yep that's right, blaming everyone about my ignorance except myself. But you know what? Ignorance is bliss because right now the only thing on my mind is the sexy pair of brown wooden heels I plan to buy this weekend from River Island.

Up late, can't sleep, baring soul - Welcome!

If my life was someone else's I'd be shaking my head and thinking "she's fucked!"

But the craziest thing is that I feel a strange calm.

I need many things in my life;
Money - I'm happy with someone else's, Friends, Family, Happiness - yes, I mentioned the 'H' word again, but something I realised recently is I also need Time.

I have loved, deeply, and lost. Ever since I've been battling with getting over it, replacing the hole he left with drink, drugs and sex (no, not rock'n'roll) but at the end of the day I'm still empty.

Where I've been finding it hard, they've found it much easier and I'm happy for them, really. At first it hurt like a mother f**ker but eventually I realised that I WILL get there, I just need a little longer.

The same applies with my life. From the outside I look like I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'll let you in on a little secret... I don't! I'm completely winging it. I've never known what I wanted to do and still to this day, 41 days till I turn twenty-five, I'm just as clueless.

But I'm not giving up hope. Because I know in time I'll figure out what I'm meant to do with my life, and I'll find someone to replace the drink, drugs... I think I'll keep the sex. But in the meantime, keep a look out for my late night soul baring sessions. I'll be here all week x

UNDRESS ME

Shopping is a drug. I intended to pop out for 15 minutes but managed to lose a whole hour in the world of hats, shoes and pretty dresses. I was lost in a jungle of colours. And then out of the darkness came a glowing light, to which I was drawn.

There she was. She was absolutely beautiful. My soulmate. "I gots to have her!" But I'm not in a position to approach her right now so I had to turn away. Walking away, I cast one last loving look in her direction.

My love.

My soul.

Soon to be my dress! Bring on pay day.

x

WAITING FOR WORK

Yet another day in the office sipping coffee and surfing the net. Another day of wishing I had more money, more time at the weekends and a little less of my stomach! But I don't really help myself. I'm still spending more time doing any and everything else when I should be dedicating all of my time towards finding another job. One where I actually get to do something during the day.

BUT, my confidence and lack of experience in a specific area kinda gets in the way. So tonight people I HAVE got to fit in at least an hour on Mavis Beacon to improve my typing, and then another hour applying for positions.

What do I want to do? I have no bloody idea.

Four years ago I was carving a career in the Hospitality industry but that didn't exactly work out, and so now I'm trying to do the same in marketing. I read blogs and webpages daily to help improve my knowlegde but ultimately it all seems to go in through the eyes and out of my arse!

But you know what? As much as I complain about how 'useless' I may feel, I love to write and express myself. Which is why I'm here. I may not have to discipline to make it as a novalist but I can definitely while away the hours writing nonsense on here :)